112. You misread my meaning

“I called him.”

“Why?” Detective Beckett cries. “Why would you do that?”

“To make sure he was sober,” Mr Castle snaps. “If he hadn’t been, you’d never have forgiven yourself. If he’d been drunk I’d have got him into rehab.” He snaps his mouth shut. Detective Beckett is opening and closing her mouth and clearly not finding any suitable words. Dr Burke is very glad of that. He does not approve of profanity. “He was desperate. He said you were everything. He said he couldn’t bear you walking away again.”

Mr Castle mutters something under his breath. Dr Burke thinks it might have been I think I know how he feels.

“He said it again. What would he do without you? You were his only family.” Dr Burke has the peculiar impression that Mr Castle has censored that conversation. “He was absolutely devastated, Beckett. Every time I spoke to him, he was utterly miserable. All he could do was be miserable and then yell at me.”

“He yelled at you?”

“About taking care of you. Yeah. He got pretty damn protective, your dad.” Mr Castle was clearly unimpressed by this behaviour. Dr Burke, by contrast, entirely approves. Mr Castle’s previous reputation would have given any father pause.

“Why was he yelling at you? I can take care of myself.”

Mr Castle opens his mouth, closes it, clamps his arm around Detective Beckett in a fashion more suggestive of arrest than amorosity, and opens his mouth again.

“So, to summarise your experience, Mr Castle,” Dr Burke interjects before he might be embroiled in a row between Mr Castle and Detective Beckett. Such an incident would be unpleasant. In any event, if Dr Burke had wished to practice in the field of relationship counselling he would have done so. He did not so wish then, and has no desire to alter that decision now, certainly not with these two. He may be at the top of his profession but the relationship in front of him is several lifetimes’ work. “Mr Beckett has consistently said or implied to you that Detective Beckett is the most important part of his life, to the point where he has come into direct conflict with you. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” Mr Castle states.

“Please describe in more detail the ‘conflict’ issue.”

Dr Burke wishes to draw out a point which he believes it very important for Detective Beckett to understand. She had accused her father of trying to destroy her relationship with Mr Castle, having previously destroyed her relationship with ‘Will’, whoever he may have been, in order to ensure that she remained at his beck and call. Dr Burke considers that, from admittedly a standpoint of believing that Mr Beckett had no such intention, the embarrassment that having to reveal Mr Beckett’s commentary will cause Mr Castle is quite amply justified if it should show Detective Beckett that her father has been actively promoting Mr Castle’s advances.

Mr Castle appears to be about to argue. Dr Burke fixes him with a meaningful stare, until light dawns. Then Mr Castle squirms uncomfortably, recollects himself, appears to ensure that his arm is still preventing Detective Beckett’s escape should such be required, and scowls. Naturally, such an expression has no effect upon Dr Burke, who is not susceptible to manipulation. He preserves an expression of calmness, and does not tell Mr Castle to stop his childish expressions.

“He said,” Mr Castle forces out, “that it looked like he and you were going to be part of my family. He thought that was a reasonable assumption. Then he complained I was keeping you from him, and I lost my temper and he said all he wanted was to be your dad and I’d better know what I was doing.” He pauses, and calms himself. “And then you said I was to get him to see Dr Burke, so I went to see him. He didn’t believe me. I told him you’d be safe with me even if you never saw him again and he called me some names.” – Detective Beckett tries to pull away, and is prevented – “Anyway. He wound up the last time I spoke to him by asking me my intentions, like some Civil War era father, and told me he’d come after me with a gun if this all didn’t work to help you.” The last sentence is emitted through Mr Castle’s firmly gritted teeth, with an expression of extreme dislike for the necessity of articulating it.

“I should like to point out, Detective Beckett, that Mr Castle’s comments are precisely in accordance with those that your father has made to me. Mr Beckett opened our acquaintance by informing me that if I thought he did not wish to see you again I was a – quote – quack charlatan.” Mr Castle snorts. Detective Beckett looks as if she might be inclined to agree with her father. “However, on discovering that I was a worthy foe, he then informed me that he had thought that Mr Castle would be good for you. He believes that both of you have strong feelings for the other, although he was far more sure of Mr Castle’s feelings than of yours, Detective Beckett. He thinks that to be a good thing.”

Dr Burke observes the scarlet faces of both Mr Castle and Detective Beckett with some satisfaction.

“In short, your father has made a considerable number of comments which together have given me the clear impression that he is not merely supportive of a relationship between you, but was actively promoting it: most plainly by showing Mr Castle the family” – Dr Burke has chosen that word entirely deliberately – “photographs and then by manoeuvring him into extending the invitation for both you and your father to join his family for dinner. He wished, I believe, to see how your respective families might fit together.”

Detective Beckett is pallid. Mr Castle is still somewhat scarlet about the tips of his ears. He is also still preventing Detective Beckett from fleeing the room. It is perfectly clear that she is assessing the fastest way to leave.

“He was matchmaking?” she finally says, appalled. Mr Castle looks distinctly vindicated.

“That is a definite possibility,” Dr Burke says dryly. “In any event, the one action it is clear that your father was not taking was attempting to dissociate you from Mr Castle. Quite the reverse.”

“Wish he’d told me that,” Mr Castle mutters darkly. Perhaps fortunately, Detective Beckett does not appear to have heard this. Dr Burke does not think that she is appreciating her father’s actions, although he is unsure whether she is white with rage or with ghastly realisation. When she swallows convulsively, he concludes that it is the latter.

“No…” she says, almost entirely bloodless, and then, “Let go!” She pulls away from Mr Castle and exits precipitately. Dr Burke listens carefully and infers that she has reached the female restroom. He raises an eyebrow towards Mr Castle.

“This” – Mr Castle gestures to the door – “happened before. She’s throwing up in the restroom. And no,” he adds forcefully, “she is not pregnant. At least I really hope not.” Dr Burke does too. That would not be a helpful or indeed happy event.

“This happened before?” Dr Burke queries.

“Yeah. After she ran off from Julia Berowitz and her dad. After he called her the next morning and she lost it with him and I said he’d gone to see Ed straight after Julia – she went running for the restroom just like that and then Montgomery” – Dr Burke raises his eyebrows again – “Captain Montgomery, her boss – offered her time out to take care of him and she did it again and then he benched her because she was either sick or unfit for duty.”

“I do not imagine that being suspended made Detective Beckett happy?”

Mr Castle fixes Dr Burke with a very sardonic expression. “You’ve been treating her for several weeks and you ask that? Rhetorical questions are my department, not yours.”

Dr Burke allows himself to make an appreciative gesture. “Indeed. It might be advisable for her Captain not to be made aware of her moment of weakness.” For the first time, Castle acquires a slight feeling of liking for Dr Burke. “I do not believe such knowledge would be helpful to any party.”

“No.”

“Now, Mr Castle, why do you think Detective Beckett has exhibited the same reaction as previously?”

“Oh, because she can’t cope with being reminded of either her own or her father’s weakness,” Mr Castle says, as if that must be the most obvious conclusion to draw. “It’s all stress.   She’s always stressed and she’s always hiding herself from everything. She hid from her dad until he worked out it was wrong and then she threw up when it all got too much. Now she’s finding that she can’t hide from herself any more, and it’s all got too much.”

Dr Burke regards Mr Castle with some fascination. It appears that Mr Castle might have a future as a psychiatrist, should he ever wish to cease writing potboiler novels, although his methods are perhaps too unusual for general application.

“What did you do last time?”

Mr Castle colours faintly. “Followed her,” he says shortly. Ah. Physical consolation. Again. Dr Burke does not need to know about that.

“Mm. I would prefer you did not do that in these offices. My staff would not appreciate it.”

Mr Castle quite noticeably does not assent to that comment. “If she needs me, I’m going,” he says instead.

Of course he will, Dr Burke thinks. There is no point trying to stop him. Wrestling is undignified. Most fortunately, at that moment Detective Beckett re-enters and sits down. Mr Castle immediately puts his arm back around her. It still bears a close resemblance to an arrest. Detective Beckett’s skin is green tinged, and Dr Burke observes a decided lack of dark eyeliner and a preponderance of redness.

“He wanted to push us together?” Detective Beckett’s words are ragged. “Not… get in the way? He wanted you to… to look after me? Oh, God.”

Detective Beckett has become very pale again. Mr Castle has clearly expected this.   His posture becomes exactly as it had been on Friday evening: wholly protective and suddenly very much larger than Detective Beckett, enveloping her. Dr Burke finds it necessary that he should abruptly remember that he has an urgent matter to discuss with one of his colleagues, makes a swift apology for his impending brief absence, and exits, rapidly.

Castle wraps his arms round his absolutely shocked Beckett-bundle as soon as Dr Burke leaves the room and tries to infuse her with warmth and strength. It’s totally clear that she had not expected to find that her father was actively encouraging Castle’s relationship with her. She shivers, and curls closer into the safe haven of his body. A few minutes pass. Dr Burke re-appears, almost unnoticed.

“He asked you your intentions?” she finally emits, sounding confused. Castle still holds her more closely, and waits. “Why?”

“I expect he didn’t want me to hurt you,” Castle says. “I’d do the same.”

There is no answer. Detective Beckett is obviously trying to absorb and understand this information. Dr Burke observes, and waits patiently.   Realisation should not be hurried. Detective Beckett must reach her own conclusions in her own good time. Forcing the pace will certainly not help. It appears that Mr Castle has also taken that lesson, following Thursday. His fingers, however, unlike his mouth, are not still; stroking over Detective Beckett’s hands. Mr Castle, Dr Burke thinks painedly, is a very fidgety man. Still, if it soothes Detective Beckett, which it appears to do, he will not object.

“He wasn’t trying to push us apart? Oh, God.” She gulps. “I said…” Another gulp. “He’ll never forgive me. He didn’t mean that and now he’s never going to forgive me for thinking he did.”

Somewhat to Dr Burke’s surprise (he is never subject to consternation), Detective Beckett does not begin to cry. He had expected it, as, too from his expression, had Mr Castle; who looks at Detective Beckett and then murmurs something to her. She shakes her head. Mr Castle shrugs.

“Up to you, Beckett,” he says more audibly. “Just say if you want to, though.”

“What else has my father said to you?” Detective Beckett looks, half-frightened, at Dr Burke. “What did you think of it?”

Dr Burke steeples his fingers and collects his thoughts in an orderly fashion. “He informed me of his feelings after your mother died, and told me that he had let you down then. He says that he remembers nothing of the times when he was not sober, and I consider this to be the truth.”

Detective Beckett regards him straightly, but says nothing. Dr Burke appreciates her focused attention, and is grateful for the drive that has taken her to the NYPD. He considers that such focus, applied to criminal behaviour, can only make the city safer.

“Mr Beckett had begun to be concerned that you, Detective Beckett, were concealing your feelings from him, and that what he believed to be ordinary family activity, such as dining together, was in fact, in your mind, protecting him from his own weaknesses. He was, in fact, worried about you at the time at which – as he put it – he ‘finagled’ Mr Castle into a dinner invitation.” Dr Burke taps his fingers together where they are steepling and unsteepling, and considers his next words carefully. “Your father told me that this particular dinner was the first time he had been around another” – the emphasis is very pointed and entirely deliberate – “family for some considerable time. He referred to your visits as his family. It is my view that the most unfortunate word choice which he used to you, Detective Beckett, was an error. A considerable error, which it is entirely unsurprising that you misinterpreted as you did, but still, an error. He did not mean that you were not his family, nor did he mean that he wished for another, different, or apparently better family.”

Mr Castle has, in the course of that discussion, tightened his clasp around Detective Beckett, in almost a precise ratio to her face whitening. Dr Burke pauses in his exposition, in case she should wish to comment.

“He didn’t… it was all a mistake?” She pulls her rising voice back down, and her expression freezes. “My mistake,” she says coldly. “All down to me. He wanted our family and I fucked it up” – Dr Burke winces – “by abandoning him again.” Tears crawl from her eyes, but her hard control does not falter. “Doesn’t matter what I do, it’s all just one long screwed up mess and it’s all my fault.”

Detective Beckett wipes her pallid face, and forces her eyes to dryness. “I’d better get used to no family. Seeing as how I’ve driven it away.” Her voice is flat: this is how it is so deal with it. Mr Castle looks extremely concerned.

“Why do you persist in blaming yourself and assuming that mistakes cannot be mended?” Dr Burke says sternly. “You have not heard your father’s views, and yet you assume without evidence that he will not forgive you for a misunderstanding which you assume is solely your error. It was not. You continually take an absolutist view, which is equally unjustified and unhelpful.” Mr Castle raises eyebrows at the tone taken. Dr Burke is entirely undeterred.

“You may believe you cannot be forgiven, but that is simply because you appear to be unable to stop blaming yourself for actions which were neither your fault nor your responsibility. Merely because you are unable to forgive yourself does not mean that no-one else, specifically your father, will forgive you, nor does it mean that you do not deserve forgiveness. You did not cause your father’s fall, nor did you put erroneous words in his mouth. Why then do you continue to blame yourself for his actions?”

Detective Beckett is silent for a moment.

“Because every time he saw me when he was drunk it was my fault for being so like my mother. You heard him say it on Friday. You looked like her and you sounded like her and you behaved like her. That’s what he said. That’s why he drank. He had to forget. He had to forget me so he drank. Who else caused it? If I’d never been there he wouldn’t have carried on drinking because there wouldn’t have been anything to trigger his memories.”

“And yet he said that you were the only thing he had left to love.”

“Words are cheap,” Detective Beckett says bitterly. “You can buy them by the million in any bookstore. Actions are more truthful.”

Mr Castle, who had looked particularly pained by her first statement, appears to be considerably relieved by her second. Dr Burke notes that Detective Beckett’s fingers are entangled in Mr Castle’s and she appears to be clinging to him, again. He concludes that Mr Castle’s actions are providing Detective Beckett with the reassurance that she needs as to his feelings.

“In that case, let us consider your father’s actions. At first, he drank. When drunk, he rejected you. When sober, he clung to you. After you refused, quite correctly, to enable him any further, he first tried to become sober without assistance, predictably failed, and then went to rehabilitation. He still attends support meetings and is in regular contact with his sponsor.” Detective Beckett nods once, sharply.

“He then spent five years ensuring that he was in contact with you. He waited to approach you until he had remained sober for long enough to prove that he was entirely serious, and then kept in very regular contact. Neither of you had any reason to consider the underlying, and unresolved, issues.” Dr Burke pauses. “Until, that is, the advent of Mr and Mrs Berowitz and of Mr Castle.”

Mr Castle startles. Detective Beckett simply becomes more colourless.

“The case of the Berowitzes brought alcoholism, and your experiences, back to you. Coincident with that occurrence, Mr Castle was reminding you of the manner in which a caring father behaves while simultaneously appearing to disapprove of your relationship with your father, which he had fundamentally misunderstood. The combination served to re-awaken the resentments which you thought that you had overcome, and imposed a great deal of unacknowledged stress upon you.”

Mr Castle has tensed. Dr Burke regrets the necessity, but the only way in which this situation can be properly resolved is with complete honesty. Mr Castle has been a very important part of the tangled interactions, and while he is a force for good in this matter, he has also committed some errors. Not nearly as many as both Detective and Mr Beckett, however, and in general not nearly as significant.

“You and Mr Castle managed to resolve your differences. However, your father detected that you were unhappy, and sought to alleviate that by encouraging you to spend time with Mr Castle. Unfortunately, he was not aware of his own actions while drunk, and therefore was unaware of the difficulties which you experience” – the present tense is deliberately used – “when you are placed in the position of observing a normal father-daughter relationship.” Dr Burke steeples his fingers. “I find it very surprising that you were able to maintain your composure in the face of such a stressful situation. Few people in your position would have been able to attend at all, still less conceal their stress throughout the whole evening. However, your father did not understand why you were, as he put it, out of sorts.”

Dr Burke pauses there, and considers whether to continue. Mr Castle appears to have recovered himself. Detective Beckett appears, by contrast, to be approaching a point where she might no longer be able to absorb further information. On balance, Dr Burke thinks that he will be able to finish his exposition, and then end the session, in order to allow Detective Beckett to consider his words at her leisure.