157. Chapter 157

It’s been months, and it doesn’t matter how many algorithms she runs with Winn and it doesn’t matter how many biotrackers she develops in her lab. It’s been months, and she can’t figure out how to find Cadmus’s newest lair, can’t figure out how to find the White Martians that psychologically attacked M’gann. It’s been months, and she can’t figure out how to rescue her father, and she can’t figure out how to protect J’onn. And all of them.

She sits on the couch with her head in her hands, and she thinks, unbidden, about her first mission. About the girl, the alien, that she was hunting. The girl, the alien, who saved her, saved her because she was arrogant, and she was terrified, and that blend made her lose her grip, miss her step, made her fall, fall, fall, and the alien girl saved her, caught her, dragged her up to safety.

And was promptly shot, despite Alex’s pleas, by the rest of her team.

She’d failed then, and she was failing now.

She drank deeper, drank until Maggie’s fingers wrapped around her glass and gently pulled it out of her grasp.

“Wanna talk to me instead of the whiskey, babygirl?”

Alex smiles despite herself, because it doesn’t matter how terrible she feels; it doesn’t matter how much of a failure she is; Maggie calls her babygirl, because she is Maggie’s babygirl, and that is always, always, always a comfort.

“Kara’s angry at everyone, J’onn’s a wreck about M’gann and the other White Martians that are apparently heading this way, Cadmus killed so many of your friends at the bar, and I can’t… I can’t fix my sister, I can’t help J’onn, or M’gann, or anyone, I can’t rescue my father, I can’t… What good am I, huh? As an agent, as a person, if I can’t… If I’m useless to… I..”

“Ally,” Maggie whispers, and pulls her close, kissing her hair and kissing her eyes and kissing her knuckles. “Alex, you… you are the best agent – the best person – I’ve ever met. You have to let people fight their own battles, Ally, you have to believe they can. You can’t battle the entire world on your own, babe. I mean, if anyone could, damn, it’s you, but… do you know why I took you to the bar, that first time?”

“You wanted to buy me a drink?” Alex sniffles, and Maggie kisses her softly.

“Well, yeah. But I could’ve bought you a drink anywhere, Alex. And if I didn’t trust you, I would’ve. But I took you there, because you… you were so… dedicated. So focused, so fierce, so… sharp, and tough, and quick, and smart, and just so… Alex, you were everything that made a good agent, a great agent, but you were more than that, too.”

Alex furrows her brow and lets Maggie continue stroking her hair. “You had a fire in you, babe. A fire that makes you want to protect people, that makes you… that makes you love people, even though you also kind of hate people.”

Alex laughs wetly and Maggie kisses her again, softly, gently, chastely.

“Your standards are impossible, Alex. Your standards are for the world to be perfect around you because you’ve fixed every single problem for every single person and done it all on your own. But babe, by any other standard? Literally any other standard? You’re perfect, babe. You’re fantastic, Ally. A brilliant agent, an incredible woman, you… you take my breath away, Alex Danvers. And you will help Kara, and you will help J’onn, and M’gann, and you will rescue your dad. You will. Because you’re not alone, Alex. You’ve got me. Okay?”

“You promise?” Alex needs to know, and Maggie smiles, and Maggie kisses the tears away from Alex’s eyes.

“Cross my heart.”

Alex smiles, because it’s one of their phrases, and she sinks into Maggie’s body, her own relaxed, because maybe Maggie’s right: maybe she’s pretty damn good, after all.