161. Chapter 161

Maggie had told her she only got one.

She told her, and Alex listened, but Alex is panicking.

Because she’d told Maggie she’d never felt comfortable with intimacy. That she’d thought she wasn’t built that way.

And they’d gotten together, because of two kisses: Alex kissed her, and, a week or so later, Maggie kissed her back in earnest, and it was, in a world, breathtaking.

So Alex figured she could do the intimacy thing after all. Because she loved kissing Maggie. She loved kissing her and she loved holding her and she loved being held by her and she loved cuddling with her and she loved their evolving pet names and their flirting and their teasing and their brushing fingers and their burning desire for, simply, each other.

She loved touching Maggie’s skin and she loved when Maggie touched hers, fingertips on cheeks, fingertips on arms, fingertips on abs, fingertips running through each other’s hair, because god, did Maggie have gorgeous hair.

But now she’s panicking, because she knows that Maggie would never pressure her – hell, Maggie always seeks permission before even kissing her – but she also knows that Maggie wants more. Sexually.

And Alex? Alex doesn’t.

She wants more of Maggie. Wants more of her time, more of her affection, more of her voice, more of her stories, more of her laughter, more of her body warm and close and safe next to hers.

But Alex doesn’t want more sexually. And she knows Maggie does.

So she’s panicking, and she wants to run.

But Maggie had said she only got one, so instead of running, Alex calls her, and Alex paces, and Alex waits, and Alex resists finishing the bottle of bourbon in the cabinet.

“You know how scary it is to just be told to come over because we need to talk, right?” Maggie half-teases when Alex opens the door for her, and Maggie’s body language is guarded, and Alex’s stomach swoops unpleasantly because she’s afraid she’s lost her before she even properly tried to explain.

“Yeah, I do, I’m sorry, I just… I’m not trying to run. You said I get one, and I heard you, so I’m… I’m not trying to run, Maggie, but I…”

Maggie blinks and crosses her arms over her chest and sets her jaw. “But you?”

“I’m scared this isn’t going to work. For… for you.”

“For me.”

“Yeah.”

“Why… why would you think that?”

“I don’t know how to explain.”

Maggie takes a deep breath and tries to quell the growing pit in her stomach. “You’ve gotta give me more than that, Danvers.”

Alex perches on the edge of the couch and she stares up into Maggie’s shuttered, guarded eyes and she tries to trust, to trust, to believe, to hope.

“You want to have sex with me,” Alex winds up spluttering, and Maggie tilts her head and quirks her lips and uncrosses her arms.

“I… yes. Yeah, I do, but not until you’re ready, Alex, I – I don’t – “

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”

Maggie’s arms are crossed again and she backs up a small step. “I… I knew this would… you meet someone? I told you it was all just shiny, it – “

“What? No, Maggie, I don’t want to have sex with someone else. I told you I don’t know how to explain, I… I like… I love… I love being with you. I love kissing you and I love when you hold me and I love holding you, I love everything we’ve been doing, I love that you’re my girlfriend, I want you to be my girlfriend, I just… I don’t think I want to have sex.”

Maggie stills and watches her for a moment, tilted head and slowly unshuttering eyes and slowly uncrossing arms. She leans back against the counter and nods to herself, slowly, quietly, watching Alex’s rapidly reddening face, her rapidly tear-filling eyes.

“So you’re figuring out that you do like intimacy with girls. With me. But not all kinds of intimacy. Not sex.”

Alex’s lips trembles and Alex nods and Alex starts to creak out an apology, but suddenly Alex is wrapped in Maggie’s arms because suddenly Maggie is cradling her close to her chest and kissing her hair and rubbing small circles on her back.

“Shit, Danvers, I thought you were trying to leave me for someone else, this… it’s okay, it’s alright, you know you – hey, Al, look at me, babe – babe, you can be gay and you can be asexual – did you know there’s a word, a lot of them, for what you’re describing? – shit, Alex, I’m sorry, I thought you were trying to break up with me, I wouldn’t’v been so… Alex, it’s okay – “

“How is it okay?” Alex chokes. “You like having sex. You like sex. You want sex. With me.”

Maggie nods and Maggie smiles and leans down to kiss the tears off of Alex’s cheek. “Yeah. I like having sex. I like sex. I want sex. With you. But I don’t want sex with you if you don’t want it, Al, if that’s not the kind of intimacy you want. I want you, Alex, I… I’m falling in love with you. Not your body, not…”

“But how – “

“Does it make you uncomfortable? That I want you sexually?”

Alex shakes her head and sniffles, and Maggie nods.

“You trust that I wouldn’t try to get more from you than you want to give me?”

Alex nods and brings her hands up to Maggie’s face, and Maggie turns her face to kiss Alex’s palms.

“Would it make you uncomfortable if I um… if I thought about you? When I um… on my own… when I masturbate?”

“You would want to?”

“Think about my girlfriend when I need to make myself cum, yeah, but only if it doesn’t make you feel objectified or uncomfortable or – “

“No. It – no. You can, it… but won’t you… miss it?”

“You like what we’ve been doing so far? The kissing, the touching, the cuddling?”

Alex smiles through a sheen of tears. “I love it.”

“I only need from you the things you love sharing. I only want from you the things you love sharing. Alex, this… you being ace, it… you’re perfect, Alex. You are perfect. And if you wanna be with me, I wanna be with you. Only with you. I told you, Al: I don’t wanna imagine my life without you in it. And now, now that you’re my girlfriend, I don’t… I don’t wanna imagine my life without you as exactly that. As my girlfriend. And maybe, one day, as more. You’re perfect, Alex, okay? Perfect.”

“You’re not mad?”

“I have zero reason to be.”

“You wanna be with me?”

Maggie glances at Alex’s mouth and raises her eyebrows, and Alex answers her question by bringing her lips up to meet Maggie’s.

Maggie smiles into their kiss, and Alex does, too.

“Yes, Alex Danvers. Of course I wanna be with you.”