202. Chapter 202

She doesn’t say anything about it on the days when it hits her worst. She doesn’t say anything about it because talking isn’t exactly her style.

But she hits at her heavy bag harder, she takes more risks at work, she takes more shots at the bar, she’s quieter at dinner, she’s quieter in bed.

She doesn’t say anything about it, but Alex knows anyway.

Knows that Maggie tries not to – tries so hard, sometimes, that it tears away at her insides and eats away at her perfect smile – but she knows that Maggie believes the things her exes have said to her, the things her father has said to her, the things the chemical imbalances coursing through her bloodstream and neural pathways say to her, the things the world has said about brown queer girls who think they have a right to be happy.

Knows that more often than not, Maggie Sawyer feels worthless.

Feels like she’s just going through the motions. Like every achievement she’s had is luck. Like every tear she sheds is weakness. Like every struggle she has is fake. Like every break she takes from a job full of death and full of torture and full of iron bars eats away at her value as a person, because how can she be worth anything at all if she’s not spending all her time, every second of it, in service to others?

So on the days when Maggie’s smile is just a little forced; the mornings when Alex catches her just staring at the ground, elbows resting on spread knees, chewing on her lip; the nights when she laughs a little too loudly or doesn’t laugh much at all; the afternoons when she works at the heavy bag until she can barely stand up; Alex makes sure to tell her extra, to show her more, to prove to her… everything.

She’ll bring her lunch at the precinct, and she’ll whisper “for the most beautiful woman in the multiverse” in her ear as she slips it into her hands.

She’ll draw her a bath and take off her jacket and boots when she walks in the door, and she’ll murmur “only the best for the best girlfriend in history” into her ear as she slowly strips off her clothes and leads her to the candlelit bathroom.

She’ll pull her close during game night, when she’s forcing a laugh that’s slightly louder than it would normally be, not detectable to anyone else, but Alex knows, so Alex tickles her, and Alex kisses her ear and ignores James and Winn’s whooping as she teases, “I’m so proud to finally have such an incredible and perfect girlfriend to help me kick these losers’ asses”, and she smiles when that’s what gets a genuine smile to flicker across Maggie’s face, and actually reach her eyes.

She’ll text her in the middle of the day, just because, and the just because texts range from thinking of you, beautiful girl to I hope the best cop ever is having the best day ever to Have I told you lately that you’re more beautiful than the most perfect sunrise? Because… you are to I had an amazing time last night, Mags. I can’t wait to be in your strong, gorgeous arms again.

She’ll stare across the living room at Maggie, pretending to read while Maggie pretends to work, watching Maggie’s eyes just fix on a single spot on the ground, her jaw grinding slightly. And Alex will take off her glasses, and she’ll close her book, and she’ll just straight up tell her: “Maggie, you know I… I’ve never been in love before. But I’m in love with you. Because you are the kindest, most generous, bravest woman I have ever known. And yes, yes, I know Supergirl’s my sister, but Kara doesn’t count, okay? I just… Maggie, you are everything I have ever wanted, and you are just… you’re smart, and you’re tough, and you’re just… beautiful. You’re so beautiful. That’s what I told my sister, you know, the day I came out to her. About you. And now that we’re dating, now that I know you better? Maggie, my life changed forever the day Kara came into my life. And the day J’onn came into my life. And it… it changed, I hope forever, the day you came into my life. Because you… you’re amazing, Maggie. You’re amazing, and I admire you. I admire you and I… I’m in love with you. And that’s… you… you’re worth everything. You are everything. I just… I just want you to know that, in case I don’t say it enough, or show you enough, I just… I need you to know those things.”

And suddenly Maggie is on her knees, on the ground in front of the couch, and Alex tosses her book away and she collects Maggie into her arms, because Maggie is sobbing, her entire body wracked with sobs, with grief, with relief, with disbelief, with I don’t deserve you and why would you say those things and Al, Alex, Al, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry and I don’t deserve you, I don’t, I don’t, I’m sorry.

And Alex is shushing her softly and Alex is rocking her gently, and Alex is kissing her hair and kissing the tears off her face and pulling her closer into her lap and, when Maggie’s breathing finally starts to even out again, she’s cupping her face in her hands and looking her straight in the eyes.

“Maggie, I’m not going anywhere. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, but that’s not even the point: let’s just say we deserve each other and call it even, okay?”

This gets a shaky laugh out of Maggie, and Alex kisses her nose.

“You’re worth it, Maggie. You’re worth everything. If I am, you certainly are. Okay? We can be worth it together. Deal?”

There’s a long pause and Alex holds her breath, because she’s never done this with anyone but Kara and maybe she’s bad at it, but then Maggie’s lips are quirking into a smile and Maggie is wrapping her arms around Alex’s shoulders.

“You getting soft on me, Danvers?”

“Always, Sawyer.”