279. Chapter 279

It’s always the other way around.

She’s always the one accused of putting work ahead of the relationship, always accused of not caring enough – even though she bends over backwards, every day, every night, every moment in between, to be as affectionate as she can be, to be as thoughtful as she can be, even when she’s exhausted, even when she’s a nervous wreck, even when god this really has to get done, but she needs to know she means something to me – but now?

Now that she’s dating a secret agent with a superhero for a sister?

Now, she thinks she knows a little bit what it feels like.

And she understands, she does. She truly, truly does. Because their jobs are so different, but they’re also so the same.

So when Alex’s workplace is on lockdown and she misses their first concert together, she gets it.

And when Alex gives her a quick kiss and a grimace and a promise to make it up to her and sprints to the DEO in the middle of dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in the city because Kara – well, Supergirl – needs something that only Alex can give, she understands.

And when Alex leaves early – so early the sun isn’t even up yet – and Maggie wakes up to a cold, empty bed, she’s not angry.

(Especially because Alex leaves the sweetest notes: You’re so beautiful while you sleep, princess, I didn’t want to disturb you; I can’t wait to see you tonight, beautiful; Thank you for an amazing, amazing, mind-blowing night (I always thought that was an exaggeration. Thank you for proving my hypothesis wrong, Detective); There’s coffee and a dry double-toasted bagel (gross) on the table for you, beautiful.)

So it’s not Alex. Truly, it’s not.

It’s the ghosts of everyone else – everyone else who’s left her, everyone else who’s done everything in their power to prove she isn’t worth anyone’s time, anyone’s effort, anyone’s real love – that seep into her head, her heart, and twist her stomach into knots.

So when Alex comes home – three hours later than she’d said she would – and kicks off her boots and pulls Maggie into a soft kiss, Maggie melts.

She melts, but she’s also fighting tears, fighting fear, fighting the terror that Alex only wants her when it’s convenient, that Alex only wants her because it’s convenient, that Alex only wants her when Alex wants her, and nothing more.

Alex feels it, feels her stiffen at the same time as she melts, and she runs her hands down Maggie’s arms until she’s holding her hands, and she pulls away from their kiss and she looks down with concerned eyes and a soft voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Maggie steps back automatically. “Nothing, I – you guys get that last weapon back in containment?”

“Yeah, we did, Winn and I had to – no, Maggie, no. Something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Alex, it – I – ”

Alex’s stare is fixed, but her eyes aren’t angry. They’re worried, and more than a little tired, and guilt digs into Maggie’s veins.

“I’m sorry. Nothing’s wrong, Danvers. Did you eat dinner?”

“Maggie.”

“Danvers. Did you eat dinner?”

“Maggie, please.”

Maggie’s back is to her, now, and Alex watches as her shoulders stiffen, as her hands open and close, as her left hand rises to her chin, then falls and rubs nervously up and down her own thigh.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to spend time with me.”

Whatever Alex is expecting to hear, it isn’t that. “Like I have to – what?”

Maggie whirls around, and her eyes are calm on the surface, but raging just beneath, terrified just beneath, and Alex’s heart threatens to break.

“You just got off a – what – sixteen hour shift? After yesterday’s twelve? You should be able to rest when you come home, not listen to your girlfriend….”

Alex shakes her head and furrows her brow and steps forward tentatively, stopping just short of touching Maggie. “Listen to my girlfriend what?”

“You know what, Danvers, it doesn’t matter, I – if you didn’t eat, I made you that pesto pasta stuff you like, there’s leftovers in the fridge, I’m going to bed – ”

“Maggie. Are you angry that I didn’t come home on time?”

“No. No, I’m not angry, I’m not, I just… I don’t want to take up more of your time, Danvers. You’re only human, even though you don’t treat yourself like one. You run yourself into the ground at work, for Kara, and that’s… that’s what I love about you, Alex, but I don’t want to be… a distraction, or an annoyance, I don’t want you to feel like you have to come home and entertain me, like you’re obligated to spend time with me when you’re tired or you just want to be alone or – ”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Alone time’s important. But I go for my runs, and you do your heavy bag, and I think we’ve been pretty decent at carving out other separate time. Your outings with James, mine with Winn, and with Kara, your video games sessions with Winn… But if you think we need to get better at that, Maggie, that’s okay – I didn’t have to come over tonight, I just thought – ”

“Right, exactly, you thought I needed you to, and I don’t want to put that burden on you, Alex.”

“Can I touch you?”

“What?”

“Can I touch you? Would you like it if I touched you? I want to hold you. If you want to be held.”

Maggie blinks down tears and nods defiantly, and Alex wraps her up in her arms and kisses her forehead.

“Maggie, you are never a burden. I love spending time with you. I love coming home to you. And yeah, okay, I don’t have the most spare time in the world, but the spare time that I do have, Maggie? The spare time that I’ve created for myself since I met you? And no, stop, please, don’t apologize – I love it, Maggie. Because I love… I love you, and carving out time for you, for us? That’s part of carving out time for me. Because you make me so happy, Mags. I never could have imagined being as happy as I am with you, I… you’re never a burden, Maggie. I don’t care how many hours I work, or how demanding both of our jobs are. Loving you, Maggie Sawyer, will never be anything but an honor and a joy. I promise.”

“Even when I get all whiny and insecure like a twelve year old?”

“Even when you get all self-deprecating and have legitimate trauma from being abandoned so often and need some understandable reassurance, yes.”

“Big words there, Danvers.”

Alex preens. “I went to Stanford.”

“Nerd.”

“Your nerd, Maggie. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“You said you made pasta?”

“Your favorite.”

“Ugh, you really are the best.”