281. Chapter 281

Maggie has held her tongue through a lot. She’s only had gentle, measured responses to Eliza – and a firm, supportive hand on Alex’s thigh – through the worst of it so far.

Oh honestly, Alexandra, putting Kara in the position where she had to blow out her powers again just to save you from your own reckless decision?

Respectfully, Dr. Danvers, if Alex hadn’t been so incredibly brave, we would have had no way to stop that ship at all, and hundreds of innocent people would have been stranded all the way on the other side of the galaxy and most likely left to suffer and die.

Alexandra, I know you’re still upset about your father, but really, that’s no reason to drink yourself into another stupor.

Actually, Dr. Danvers, it’s root beer, so the only stupor anyone will be in is from sugar overload.

She always does it with a gentle tone, and she does it with a modicum of respect in her voice, because Eliza likes her – really likes her – and she knows it’s better for everyone, better for Alex, if it stays like that.

But that doesn’t mean she’s going to just watch Alex get gaslighted, get beaten down, get loved so painfully by a woman who doesn’t know how to love properly, doesn’t know how to say Alex I love you to the ends of the earth and you terrify me because I’m always so worried about you.

And since then?

Since then, Maggie has held Alex’s hand while they managed to stumble through yet another coming out to Eliza – another I feel more like me than I ever have, and that reason is – what, no Barry Allen mystery portal this time? Great, I was kind of counting on – Mom, I’ve never felt more like myself than I do now, because I realized that I didn’t grow up knowing any labels that fit me right, but now I – I’m nonbinary, Mom, I’m – I’m me, same as ever, but they and them instead of she and her, because it just… it makes so much sense, you know? – and Alex had nearly broken her fingers with the force of their grip as Eliza had blinked, had blinked again, had stood, had swallowed, had looked directly at Alex and after long, long minutes of Alex quietly begging her to say something, said, So you’re not quite a boy but you’re not quite the beautiful young woman I raised, and I assume your very lesbian girlfriend is for some reason okay with this because she’s holding your hand, and your sister is giving you that unconditionally supportive look because her heart is purer than mine will ever be, so I assume I’m alone when I say I’m a little bewildered and am going to have to get used to losing my daughter.

Kara’s arms are around Alex before the first sob can choke out of their lips, and Maggie holds them from behind and Alex splutters and Alex breaks as Eliza retreats to Kara’s bedroom.

Kara – once her own temper with Eliza has calmed somewhat – runs interference between her sibling and her foster mother, enough of it to get them back in the same room, enough of it to get Eliza’s arms around a crying Alex while Maggie watches with rage on her face. Kara slips her fingers into Maggie’s.

“They’re going to be okay. They have us. They have you,” Kara whispers, and Maggie kisses her on the cheek.

“I love you, Little Danvers.”

Kara smiles with sad eyes as they both watch Alex sniffle in Eliza’s arms.

And now?

Now it’s been a month, and there have been good phone conversations – Alex, you’re my da – my child, and I will always love you, and I will always be proud of you, however you are – and there have been explosive phone conversations – I’m sorry, Alexan – Alex – it’s a mother’s instinct, I’ve known you one way for twenty-eight years and you’re expecting me to catch up with all these sudden changes overnight! – and now, there’s another family dinner.

Alex throws up with nerves beforehand, Maggie and Kara taking turns between rubbing Alex’s back and holding their hand and making sure the apartment is in order for Eliza’s arrival.

“How’re they doing?” Maggie calls into the bathroom as she sets the table, deliberately addressing Kara so Alex can hear their pronouns, so Alex can hear their validation, and sure enough, Alex’s stomach settles somewhat.

Kara smiles and kisses the back of Alex’s neck and calls back out, “They’re doing just great, they could infiltrate Cadmus single-handedly all over again!”

Alex laughs wearily and leans back into their sister gratefully.

It’s the last laugh they get that evening.

Because Eliza blinks a little too much before complimenting – stiffly – Alex’s new haircut; stares a little too hard when Maggie switches easily between calling Alex babe, honey, Alex, and Al; completely blanches when Kara calls Alex both Al and Alex and refers to the Danvers siblings; and clenches her jaw when Kara passes behind Alex to get the cookies from the oven and rubs the back of their head, with its newly buzzed style, and laughs about how scared she is that Lena – who’s unfortunately out of the country right now – might just leave her for Alex, if the way she loves touching Alex’s new cut is any indication.

“So you’re saying your sister’s doing this to be more, what, butch, is that the word? That she just wants to be more attractive to women? I thought she – I thought you already have Maggie, dear, and everyone’s completely fine with you being a lesbian, no one would care if you cut your hair this way and wore those shirts and were just a woman, so I don’t understand why you feel the need to make things more complicated by – “

Maggie is up before Alex can start crying and she’s up before Kara can say more than Eliza, you need to –

“You know what, I’ve been respectful and I’ve held my tongue and I’ve – no. No more. Dr. Danvers, you’re having trouble processing your kid’s identity? Fine. Whatever. Talk to people, talk to Kara, talk to me. Hell, talk to Alex if you want to, but don’t you dare misgender them just because you can, just because that’s what makes you feel more comfortable, more righteous. Not in this place, this place where Alex feels at home with their sister. And you know what else, did you ever stop to think that Alex lives in the same damn world as you do? That they have been forced to swallow the same heteronormative bullshit about you’re either a man or a woman, this way or that way, nothing else, no complexity, no wiggle room, and if you feel outside of that, you’re a freak, you’re just trying to get attention, you’re just trying to make your life harder, you’re being selfish, you’re being ridiculous? Did you ever stop to think that Al has been forced to swallow those same toxic lies, so maybe they have the same questions, the same insecurities and fears and terrors and self-doubts, that you’re interrogating them about? That you’re hitting every one of their fears, every one of their triggers, and to what? You think they haven’t already been over and over all of this with themselves, with me, with Kara and James and J’onn and Winn and Vasquez and Lena, nights of agonizing and crying, not because the nonbinary part is the hard part, but because toxic expectations like the ones you’re laying out are the only thing that surrounds them? It’s not about being difficult, and it’s not about making anything harder, it’s about discovering that there is something that fits you better, that helps you breathe better, than the little boxes we’ve all been hacked and wrangled into. It’s not Al’s fault that they grew up without the proper language to fit themselves, with all the shame that you’re shoving onto them with this interrogation. Because you know, don’t you, Dr. Danvers, that there’s a difference between questions and interrogations. This is your child. Love them. That’s it. Just love them. And if you can’t do that properly right now, I’m sorry Kara, I know this isn’t my house, but you need to leave. Now.”

There’s a long silence, and Maggie’s chest heaves slightly as she glowers, trembling, at Eliza; Kara beams sadly at the woman she hopes her sibling marries; Alex stares up at Maggie in disbelief, in relief, in shock, in gratitude; and Eliza stares between the three of them in a very different kind of shock.

“Alexan – Alex, you’re going to let your girlfriend speak to your mother that way?”

It’s Kara who answers. “Eliza, please. Not now. Maggie said what Maggie said, and I… I agree with her. And so does Alex. Please. We’ll try this again another time, okay?”

The pit in Maggie’s stomach – the pit in all of their stomachs – doesn’t even begin to fade until hours later, when they’re sharing two tubs of vegan ice cream, Alex cuddled between their favorite girls under layers of throw blankets, and Maggie’s phone buzzes.

Maggie dear. I’ve thought a great deal about what you said, and I wanted to thank you for saying it. You clearly love my child very much, and I am very grateful that they found you. I don’t imagine they want to speak with me right now, and I understand that. But when they’re ready, perhaps you can show them this message? Thank you for fighting for Alex when I don’t know how to. They’ve always fought for everyone else; I’m so glad they’ve finally found someone to fight for them.

“What’s that, babe?” Alex asks. Maggie stares at their red-rimmed, still swollen eyes and kisses their nose.

“Show you later. For now, more cuddles.”

“Cudddlessssssss,” Kara throws her arms over both of them, and as their girlfriend leans over them to tickle their little sister, Alex can’t help but smile; can’t help but laugh; can’t help but feel safe, and loved, and wanted, and defended. Can’t help but feel perfect.

Because they are, they are, they are.