308. Chapter 308

Alex has always been a little on the side of reckless.

A little on the side of ruthless.

A little on the side of you-threaten-people-I-love-and-I’ll-enjoy-torturing-you.

But lately?

Since Cadmus, since Jeremiah, since Kara has almost died again, and again, and again?

Lately, “gone rogue” has been Alex’s middle name.

Lately, “you can catch me torturing people on my lunch break” has been her first name.

So when the bounty hunter goads them that humans don’t have what it takes – that they’re too weak-willed, too sensitive, too soft, too moral – to get the information they need from him, Alex demands a wrench.

And she doesn’t only mean it.

She wants it.

And J’onn steps in, not only because his way is less messy. But because his way will spare the shattered remains of his eldest earth daughter’s soul.

“So I heard about the wrench thing, babe,” Maggie tells her, because of course Kara called her, and of course they made a plan.

Because she’s been getting better in some ways: she’s been drinking less, laughing more. Sleeping more. Taking more time to herself. Learning to assert what she wants, what she needs.

But she still also needs, apparently, to beat the living shit out of people when she feels out of control. When she needs to protect the people she loves.

“Don’t get me wrong, babe, I love that about you. How fiercely protective you are of the people you love. I admire it. I admire you. But Danvers, have you considered – ”

“That I have anger issues? Yeah, your friend at the bar suggested it.”

A long silence. A kiss, because Maggie, too, isn’t here to judge. She’s here to help her heal.

“Have you considered he might be a little right?”

Alex pffts and Alex stands and paces and stares to Kara and J’onn for support, and they give it to her, but not the kind she wants.

She wants the kind that says Maggie’s wrong, that it’s leadership skills, that it’s part of being a good soldier.

Instead, they give her the support of, we understand, we love you anyway, we’re here for you.

So she concedes – she’s not quite sure if it’s J’onn’s concerned eyes or Kara’s pout or Maggie’s soft, reassuring kisses – to heading over to Earth 1 to grab a coffee with Oliver Queen and Sara Lance.

He’s stoic and she’s flirty, but she’s also serious, because there are storms just behind her impossibly blue eyes that Alex is surprised to realize that she’s seen in her own mirror.

“So Alex, your sister says you’re enjoying torturing people these days,” Oliver begins, and Sara groans.

“Way to kill all possibilities of small talk, Ollie. He does this. I’m sorry.”

Oliver shrugs and allows himself a small smile, and Alex can’t help but grin. “Well she didn’t travel to a different universe to chat about the weather.”

“No, apparently I came for an intergalactic intervention therapy session… thing.”

Sara sighs and nods across Jitters to the table where Kara and Maggie are sitting with their heads together, whispering about who knows what.

“They really care about you. To bring you all this way to talk to the most messed up people they could think of.”

“That’s not quite how Kara – ”

“No, of course not, Kara’s made of literally nothing but sunshine over all that grief she keeps so well hidden, but even if she had said it directly, she wouldn’t be wrong,” Oliver deadpans, and Alex furrows her brow.

“He’s always like this. Except when he’s all domesticated by Felicity. He makes souffles.”

“I tried to make Maggie tiramusu. It didn’t work.”

“The trick is in the ice – ”

“Oh god, they have something else to talk about other than torturing people. Can I go sit with Kara and your girlfriend?”

“Sara.”

“Alex, it’s a rush, right? To control someone’s life like that, because you can’t control whose they take? The more of someone else’s blood is on your knuckles, the less blood your sister, your girlfriend, will shed? Right? But then it becomes a rush. An addiction. A thirst.”

Alex swallows and looks down into her coffee cup.

“We’re trained to not feel anything, but then we’re told that there’s a code,” Oliver says softly. “It can get confusing for your body to know which way is up.”

“And how much blood is too much.”

Alex blinks and grips at the table, because they understand, they understand, they understand.

“I just want to protect her. Both of them. J'onn. My friends.”

Oliver and Sara both nod, and Sara hesitates with her hand hovering above Alex’s until Alex nods, and their hands touch softly on the table.

“Our hands – his too – are lethal. Our hands were made to kill. But yours? I bet they’re so gentle when you touch her.”

She nods over at Maggie, and a soft smile grows on Alex’s lips. “You have to let her love you, Alex. Both of them. All of them. Getting lost in it is so easy, and it happens before you even can identify it. But you have to. That rage, that anger, that hate… you can’t take it out on yourself, not completely, because if you do, you won’t be able to protect them. But you’ve gotta get it out, and why not on a prisoner you need information from, right? But Alex, you… they love you. They love you, and you have to love you, or you’re not… You love them so hard you’ll torture and kill for them, Alex, but you’ll make yourself less human in the process. You’ll make yourself the thing you’re trying to protect them from.”

“The road back is the hardest one,” Oliver says softly, thinking about Felicity and Diggle and the League and falling off a mountain with a hole in his torso.

“Let them love you, Alex,” Sara almost whispers. “It’s not a cure. There isn’t one. And you’re going to have to keep fighting. Every day. But look at them. Look at the way they love you.”

Alex turns to see her girlfriend and her little sister both pretending not to watch the three of them, and she can’t help but smile.

“I used to believe the hero couldn’t have the girl, Alex. And I…” Oliver thinks of Felicity and he swallows and he moves on. “But that girl? Don’t let her go. Don’t let her go, Alex. She just traveled to a parallel universe to get you help. Let her love you. Alright?”

Alex watches as Maggie makes Kara’s face red with laughter, and she smiles faintly and squeezes Sara’s hand.

“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”