345. Chapter 345

Alex is her first phone call.

Alex is always her first phone call.

Her shirt is burned through and her jacket smells of gasoline, smells of fire, smells of ash.

Smells of the ash of the man who had just been speaking to her, confiding in her.

Trusting her.

And she failed him.

Failed him, like she failed all the aliens in the bar that night she wasn’t there to stop the massacre.

Failed him, like she failed to save Kelly the night of Myriad, because James and Winn were her friends, and somehow that made their lives more valuable than the life of someone she barely knew but saw every day for two years.

Failed him, like she failed time and time and time again.

So she calls Alex.

She calls Alex, and she can do nothing but sob.

Alex comes to get her, and she’s in DEO gear, and she’s in the DEO van, but that’s not how they’re leaving.

Because Alex isn’t there to pick her up to report for work.

She’s there to take care of her sister.

Of Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El. Not Supergirl.

Supergirl can be debriefed later.

Kara needs comfort, now.

“I got you,” is all Alex says as Kara falls into her arms, as Alex covers her burnt-through shirt with a pullover sweater as Kara shrugs out of the jacket that smells like her failure, like his death, and then there are sirens, and Maggie is sprinting out of her cop car like a bat out of hell, and Kara dimly assumes that she’s running for Alex, but she’s not, she’s not, because when she grinds to a halt in front of them, it’s Kara’s name that’s on her lips.

“Kara, I am so sorry, are you – are you hurt, I mean, physically? You know it wasn’t your fault, right? The explosion pattern, there wasn’t anything you could have done – “

And Kara breaks, then, because Maggie knows, and Alex knows, exactly what is on her mind.

That a man with a husband and kids and a mother and a father and a best friend from high school is dead.

And it’s her fault.

Maggie knows, and Alex knows, because they’re both experts in blaming themselves for deaths they couldn’t possibly have prevented.

“Sawyer! You gonna get a witness statement or what?” her partner calls, and Maggie tilts her head at her girlfriend’s little sister.

“Do you want to go home, Kara? I can hold off my guys for you if you need to breathe for a while before we – ”

But Kara, still wrapped in Alex’s strong arms, shoots out a hand for Maggie’s wrist.

“I want to go home. But come with us,” she barely whispers, and Alex almost sobs, and Maggie has to fight down tears, and Kara doesn’t even bother, her tears tracking through the ash on her face.

“Come on, you two. I’m gonna get her attended to, I’ll have the statement for you later. Catch a ride back with Taylor, would you?” Maggie calls, and her partner gives a curt nod, and Maggie ushers her Danvers girls into her squad car.

She doesn’t comment when Alex slides into the back seat with Kara instead of riding in the front with Maggie, and she doesn’t comment when instead of buckling up, Kara just lays down on the seat and puts her head in Alex’s lap and lets Alex pet her hair, whisper in her ear, kiss her forehead, hold her steady.

She doesn’t comment. She just drives extra carefully, because she has precious cargo in the back seat.

Alex helps Kara stumble out of the car when they get to her apartment, and Maggie carries Kara’s jacket as Alex half-carries her upstairs.

“It’s my fault,” are Kara’s first words when they step inside.

“I get to live because I can just fly out of there, because nothing’s going to penetrate my skin, but he… he doesn’t even… his family won’t even have a body to…”

“Kara. This… this isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have anticipated it, you couldn’t have known – ”

“Alex, what good am I if my reporting puts people at risk and I can’t even rescue them as Supergirl? How… what good am I, then? Any of it?”

“Kara, listen to me. If you start blaming yourself for things you can’t control? You’re never going stop. Ever. Trust me. I know. You can’t let this get inside you like this. You can’t. This wasn’t your fault.”

“Alex, I’m not a soldier, I don’t – ”

“Hey, Little Danvers, listen, neither am I. Look, you can grieve, Kara, and you can rage and you can mourn, and James told me you used to set up a car next to his heavy bag and have a punching fit, and I can take you out to the garage right now if you need to. But your sister’s right. You start blaming yourself for this, and it’s not gonna stop, and you don’t deserve that. I promise you, you don’t.”

“But I lived. And he died.”

“There’s no shame in surviving, Kara,” Alex whispers, and Kara sobs, and Alex wraps her in her arms, shushing her and soothing her and holding in her own tears because her little sister needs her right now.

Maggie kisses Alex’s forehead and puts a hand on Kara’s shaking shoulder before she stands up and pads into the kitchen.

“Where you going?” Kara mutters from where she’s buried her face in Alex’s polo.

“To order you some potstickers, Kid Danvers.”

Kara sniffs and Alex grins.

“So can I keep her?” she asks, and Kara sniffles and nods.

“You can keep her,” she agrees, and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, if she has big sisters like this, she might be worth something after all.