375. Chapter 375

Her “hey you” had been the best words Maggie had ever heard.

Because staring out the window, Maggie had been seeing all the ways they could have been just a few minutes later. All the ways they could have been just a few minutes earlier.

Because later, and Alex would be… no. She’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine. Right?

Because earlier, and maybe Maggie would hate herself a little bit less, because she couldn’t imagine the pain, the terror, the…

Because she would never get the image of Alex’s body, floating there, out of her mind, so she can’t imagine how Alex can possibly forgive her for getting there so late, so literally last second, so…

The “hey you” had brought her back. Had roused her from her waking nightmare. Had brought her into Alex’s arms.

And then Alex had asked if she was okay. Of course Alex asked.

And Maggie brushed her off.

Brushed her off because she was the one whose lungs had burned, she was the one who’d sliced open her own body with a credit card, for crying out loud, she was the one who’d almost…

Brushed her off because it’s whatever, because Alex is fine now, right, because Alex needs all the attention, all the care, not Maggie.

Maggie, who almost didn’t rescue her in time.

So she brushes Alex off, because Alex has suppressed her own feelings, her own needs, for far too long, and Maggie will be damned if she lets her do that now, of all times.

But all that dedication, all that determination, can’t stop the nightmares.

Alex is having a lot of her own, lately – more than usual, anyway – but when she’s having a dreamless sleep, she’s out cold, and Maggie has to put her head on her chest to feel it rise, feel it fall. Hear Alex’s heartbeat.

But it’s good, too, because when Alex sleeps that hard, she can’t hear Maggie’s nightmares. Can’t hear the aftermath.

Can’t hear Maggie’s sobs, her desperate gasping for breath.

Her wishing she’d been the one kidnapped, not Alex, not Alex, because god, hasn’t that woman been through enough?

She’s been through enough – more than enough – so when Maggie wakes in a cold sweat from a dream, a dream where Alex is floating, floating, but she doesn’t gasp for breath when Kara punches the glass, doesn’t move, doesn’t react, doesn’t gasp back to life, back to herself, back to the woman Maggie’s in love with, back to the woman Maggie is supposed to share all her firsts with, doesn’t respond to Maggie’s shouts and her CPR and her desperate, desperate pleas… when Maggie wakes, she can’t tell which parts of her face are covered in sweat and which parts of her face are covered in tears.

She doesn’t want to wake her – god, she doesn’t want to wake her – but she needs to see her chest rise and fall, needs to feel her breathing, breathing, breathing.

She turns desperately in bed, her own chest racking with violent sobs, and Alex gives her more than deep breaths. Alex cracks open her eyes, and Alex sits up immediately, because Maggie’s eyes are wild and her face is contorted and soaked and Alex knows.

“Come here,” she says without asking for an explanation, because she doesn’t need one. She holds out her arms, but Maggie refuses them, refuses them, because she’s the one who’s supposed to be taking care of Alex, she’s the one who’s supposed to be –

“Maggie, I’m right here. I’m right here, please – please, let me hold you, let me – “

“No, you don’t get to do that, Danvers! You don’t get to make like you’re fine, like everything’s fine, because it’s not fine, Alex! Nothing’s fine. You almost died, I almost lost you, you had to cut into your own skin with that damn credit card and now I panic and almost throw up every single time I’m at the damn grocery store and pay with my bank card because he tortured you, Danvers, you, not me, so you don’t get to comfort me, I’m not the one who gets to be comforted, you understand me, I’m not the one who almost…”

She breaks and she collapses and for a long, long moment, she’s the one without breath, gasping for air like each time might be her last, and she’s clinging to Alex helplessly, helplessly, because Alex’s arms are strong and they’re warm and Alex is alive, alive, alive.

“Maggie, I’m here. I’m here and hey, listen to me, hey, hey, hey.” Maggie looks up and her lips tremble and her eyes are bloodshot, and Alex kisses her face over, and over, and over.

Because this is why she held on.

“Maggie, he didn’t just torture me. He didn’t just stalk me. That was both of us, babe. Kara, too. He put you both in an impossible position, Maggie, and he – I wasn’t the only one, Maggie. You’re allowed to have feelings, you’re allowed to react. You’re allowed to have nightmares, babe. If it had been you, I…” She shudders and the only thing that stops her from starting to hyperventilate is Maggie’s hand on her chest, her lips on her jawline.

“We’re in this together, okay? We held on together, and we’re going to figure out how to keep living together, okay babe? I love you, Maggie. I love you, and that means we’re gonna do this together. Okay?”

“Say it again?” Maggie whispers, because she’ll never forgive herself for not letting Alex say it earlier, because what if, what if, what if.

Alex smiles and kisses her lips slow and tender and long.

“I love you, Maggie Sawyer. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

A fresh wave of tears spring into Maggie’s eyes – to match the ones swimming in Alex’s – and she can’t help the smile on her face, the leaping in her heart.

“I love you too, Alex Danvers. I love you so damn much.”

There will be more nightmares. Too many.

There will be more cold sweats and more screams.

They both know.

They both know, but tonight?

Tonight, there will only be more I love yous.

And all those future nights, with terrors and tortures and tremors?

They’ll get through those together.

Because I love you, I love you, I love you.