449. Chapter 449

She knows the moment she steps out of the bathroom, teeth freshly brushed, and looks at them.

The way they’re frozen at their drawers, staring in at the tank tops and sweaters and jeans, shit, their jeans.

Because half their jeans are tight as sin and the others – the newer ones, the ones they’ve started acquiring since coming out – are looser, thicker material, lighter colors.

Because Alex is standing in boy shorts and a lacey bra, and they’re frozen.

“Hey sweetie,” Maggie offers softly, softly, gingerly avoiding beautiful or handsome, because this happened last weekend when they went to a new club and this happened the week before when they were seeing Adrian for the first time since coming out.

Alex nods but doesn’t turn around. Can’t turn around.

“Need some help?” Maggie asks, like she’s offering Alex coffee, not help picking clothes, not help stemming the spiral of panic, not help breaking the cascade of terror, of is this real am I real I’m twenty-nine years old shouldn’t I just be able to get dressed in the morning.

“No,” Alex snaps, and Maggie nods with a tilted head and pursed lips.

“Danvers,” she starts.

“I’m sorry,” Alex turns around, tears in their eyes and real remorse on their face. “I’m sorry, Maggie, you didn’t deserve that, I just…”

Maggie crosses the room and offers her hands out to Alex, who nods and Maggie touches their arms. Alex immediately relaxes.

“Having trouble figuring out how to represent yourself today?” Maggie offers a small smile, and Alex’s face burns while they nod.

“That’s okay, it’s hard.”

Alex’s heart floods and they nod again, biting the inside of their cheek.

“I’m gonna see people I haven’t really seen since I came out today. In the locker room at work. They’re back from this mission in London. And I don’t want them to think I’m not… J’onn made sure everyone knows about my… my pronouns… but I don’t want anyone to think… it’s not real, or it’s about me being gay, or something…”

“Well, if they thought that, they’d be wrong. Because you are real, Alex. So real. And you’re perfect.”

“And you’re biased because you love me,” Alex protests, and Maggie giggles and leans up to kiss their nose.

“Mmmm, that I do, Danvers. But I’m also 100% accurate. At all times, as you well know.”

Alex rolls their eyes with a watery smile and shakes their head.

“I want to bind because I’m gonna see everyone, or more specifically, they’re gonna see me, so I want to bind, I have to bind, but I feel girly, but if I bind I can’t be girly, but if I don’t bind I’ll freak out because they’ll only see what my body’s giving them, which is boobs and a girl, but I’m not a girl, and I just – “

Alex’s voice breaks and Maggie’s heart does along with it, but she nods and she waits to see if Alex has spiraled themself out before saying anything.

“You’re not a girl, Alex, you’re right. You know what you are? You are Alex Danvers; you’re a badass and you’re the most incredible partner I’ve ever had or ever will have, and you’re sexy as all get out, whether you’re in your binder or flipping lingerie. But you can be girly while you’re binding, babe, you know. Maybe a henley with your binder and tight jeans? Or you can say fuck what you think they might see and wear the most low cut shirt in your arsenal if that’s what you’re feeling. Whatever you want, Alex.”

Alex snorts through shaky tears. “My arsenal.”

“I mean hey, binding or lace bra-ing, your perfect outfits with that perfect body can kill a person, Danvers. Seriously.”

“I’m not doing this wrong?”

Maggie shakes her head and runs her thumbs across Alex’s cheeks.

“Al, you can’t possibly be yourself the wrong way. And you? You’re the person I am wildly in love with. No matter how many times you have to change in the morning to figure out what feels good today.”

“Even if I have to take a stupid anti-anxiety pill to do it?”

“Even then, Danvers. Even always, how about that?”

Alex lowers their forehead to Maggie’s and breathes Maggie’s breath into their lungs.

“Always doesn’t sound too bad.”