493. Chapter 493

Alex stops pacing and splutters, her heart seizing.

“What do you mean different, Mom?”

“Oh, nothing negative, sweetie! I just mean… you’ve seemed happier. Lighter. Less singularly focused on your job.”

She gets defensive and she tenses up, and Eliza tries to talk her down, because – this time, anyway – she genuinely didn’t mean it like that.

“It was a compliment, Alexandra; Maggie seems like she’s good for you, that’s all I was trying to say. Honestly, dear.”

She tries to accept Eliza’s words at face value.

But she can’t let them go.

“Kara. Do you think I’m different now?”

Kara looks up from her potstickers later that night. Sisters’ Night.

“Diffent ow? Is en?”

“Say what?”

Kara grins and takes a gigantic gulp.

“Different how? And since when?”

Alex shakes her head and sighs.

“Since… I don’t know. Since I started dating Maggie, I guess.”

Kara squints and leans forward slightly, staring at her sister like she can see any differences with her x-ray vision. And maybe she can.

“I think you’ve been…” Kara chooses her words carefully. Carefully, because she’s not the only Danvers sister who gets a crinkle between her eyes when something’s bothering her.

“I think you’ve been focused on yourself more lately. Which is a really great thing. What did you say Maggie wants you to do? Stop burying your feelings? I think you’ve been listening. To that. You’ve been being more of yourself. Like you told Eliza at Thanksgiving. You seem like… you seem like you feel more like yourself. So I think the changes have been good.”

“So there… so there have been changes?”

Kara leans forward and takes Alex’s hands into hers. “Good changes, Alex. Good ones. I promise.”

Alex forces a smile and she nods, and she cuddles into Kara all night long, her nerves calmer, because her sister’s there. Her sister’s got her.

Her sister thinks the changes have been good.

But when Kara heads off to CatCo in the morning, her heart rate shoots up again.

Her mind starts spiraling again.

Her hands start wringing again.

And that night – Maggie had promised her dinner and a movie, because “we could use a little normalcy now and then, ey Danvers?” – Alex’s mind still hasn’t slowed down.

Alex’s ruminations still haven’t stopped.

“You like me, right Maggie?” she asks, in response to Maggie’s asking if she thought Remus Lupin as Ares was as cool as Maggie had.

“I – Danvers, what – of course I do, babe, I – yeah, I like you. A lot. More than I’ve ever… Why, Alex, what’s… what’s wrong?”

Alex sighs and shakes her head and pushes her pasta around her plate.

“Nothing, I just… I had a conversation with my mom – “

“Uh oh.”

“No, no, we didn’t fight, I just… you know what? I’m ruining our date, I’m sorry, I – “

“Hey, hey, Danvers, slow down,” Maggie reaches across the table and hesitates before covering Alex’s hands with her own. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. It’ll be okay. And you’re not ruining everything. You can tell me – “

“You liked me because I saved you, right? When the president was in town? Because I had tech too fancy for a fed and live for my job, right?”

“Alex, I – “

“Didn’t you? Isn’t that why?”

Maggie studies the panic in Alex’s eyes, the barely suppressed anxiety, the poorly shielded self-loathing.

She doesn’t answer. She just waits with a tilted head and a questioning smile. Because she knows Alex. She knows.

Sure enough, Alex continues.

“My mom says I’m different. Now. After starting… after starting dating you. Kara says it, too. They both say I’m different now.”

Maggie nods softly, her eyes even softer.

“Different how?” she asks, voice low and kind.

Alex sighs and shakes her head as her eyes drift up to the ceiling.

“Happier. Lighter. More… myself. But Mom said I’m less focused on work than I used to be, and Kara said I’m more myself, so what if… what if being more me means being… bad at work? Less dedicated? In my job – in our jobs, Maggie – less dedicated means people die. So what if…”

Maggie stiffens for the first time, her eyes shielding themselves for the first time.

“What if what?” she asks, her voice less soft, more tense.

More terrified.

Alex’s eyes are on the ceiling again, but when she brings them back down to meet Maggie’s, her heart shatters.

“You still like me?” she asks, her voice broken.

Maggie stands – restaurant etiquette be damned – and crosses to Alex’s side of the table, kneeling and taking her hands into her own.

“Alex. I like you because you’re tough, and because you’re a badass, sure. But I also like you because of the way you squint when you think hard, the way you protect your sister. And I don’t mean with your… job… I mean with your heart. The way you’re devoted to your family, the way you care about people. That’s not about your job, Alex. That’s about you. It’s about who you are, Alex, and that hasn’t changed. That’s not going to change. Because that, Alex? That’s fundamentally… you. And you’re the woman I… I’m crazy about you, Danvers. The day we met, and right now. Alright?”

Alex swallows tears – barely – and she nods, her throat too tight to speak. Until she chokes out, “You look like you’re proposing.”

Maggie blushes deeply and kisses Alex’s knuckles with a gentle determination that’s almost reverent.

“One day, Alex. For now? I’m crazy about you, understand? Changes and all. Happiness suits you, Danvers.”

Alex smiles through her tears, and Maggie leans up to kiss her nose.

“See? That there? That smile? It’s my favorite sight in the world.”