572. Chapter 572

Nothing had even happened. Not really.

Just a typical day on the force.

A typical day with its typical irritations.

And that’s what they would be to someone else. Someone… normal.

Irritations.

But to Maggie?

When she was feeling like this, she didn’t know what irritation was. Irritation would have been easy, would have been a comfort.

Hell, even anger would have been easy, would have been a comfort.

But Maggie often doesn’t get irritated. She doesn’t even get angry.

She goes straight to enraged.

It took a few years – well, nearly a decade and a half, really – but she finally has a system down.

Pushups when she doesn’t have access to her heavy bag.

Holding her breath, because it works better for her than deep breaths do.

Holding ice in her fist above the sink, because it won’t hurt her, but it’s pain, anyway.

She refuses to have sex with Alex when she’s like this.

Alex can. Alex can have sex when she’s enraged. She can channel it into Maggie’s body, into their making love, and still, somehow, make it feel like making love. Rough, sure. Hard, sure. But the way Alex holds her, the way her eyes burn for her? Maggie always feels cared for, always feels respected.

Always feel safe, and wanted, and loved.

Maggie doesn’t trust herself enough to make Alex feel that way when she’s like this.

So the best coping mechanism? Is her heavy bag.

Nothing happened – nothing in particular, anyway – but there’s the rage, again, there’s the fury, again.

There’s the terrifying part of Maggie’s core that wants to do nothing but hit, nothing but kick. Nothing but scream and curse. That wants to do nothing but destroy. To tank relationships and to break her body into submission, into something that people tell her is sanity. Mostly, to destroy herself.

So now she’s tearing into her heavy bag – tearing into herself – and her headphones are blasting so loudly and her fists and her feet at working so quickly that she doesn’t hear Alex come in.

She doesn’t know that Alex stands for long, long minutes in the doorway, watching with a broken heart and a worried frown.

So she’s surprised when, just at the moment her knuckles are starting to crack, even beneath her wraps, and her form is starting to break, a pair of strong arms wrap around her body.

Maggie tenses, then resists.

Alex can’t touch her. Not now.

Not when she’s… this.

Not when she’s nothing but destructive, nothing but pure rage.

Not when she’s just as sociopathic as her ex said she was.

She tugs out of Alex’s grasp and her guilt, her self-hatred, her rage, only increases when Alex stumbles.

“I’m sorry,” she reaches out to catch her, but Alex just shakes her head.

“I’m a DEO agent, babe, you’d think I’d have better balance.” Her soft joke, her kindness, only makes it worse.

Only makes everything worse.

“Danvers, listen, I… I’m gonna hit the gym, okay? I – “

“Maggie, you’re drenched and you’re breathless and your muscles are shaking. I think you’ve had your workout.”

“But I – “

“Maggie. Talk to me. Please. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Maggie says, and it’s louder than she intended it to be. Alex doesn’t flinch. But she does tilt her head.

Maggie hates seeing the similarities in their movements, the way Alex is picking up some of her habits. She knows Alex has her own rage issues, but she would never want the woman she loves to pick up on… this.

“Sorry. Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, Danvers, that’s exactly the problem. I’m just… I’m just super fucked up, okay? Even when things are going fine, I can’t… the slightest thing will just… you know what, it’s whatever, I’m gonna take a shower – “

“And turn the water on so hot it burns you?” Alex asks, and Maggie hates that she knows.

Alex asks, and Maggie loves that she knows.

But she doesn’t want her to. Because she doesn’t deserve any of this.

“Dammit, Danvers.” Her words are soft, but her gestures are big. She slams her fists into her own thighs, and only then does Alex look somewhat alarmed.

She reaches her in a single stride and grips her wrists. Hard.

“You wanna snap at me, Maggie, you snap at me. But don’t hurt yourself like that. Please.”

“That? That was nothing, please, you know what we both take in the field.”

“Maggie – “

“No! No, Alex, you can’t pretend this is okay! I snapped at you and I raised my voice at you, and I’m doing it again right now, and I’m fucking crazy, Alex, I just hit myself for crying out loud, who the hell does that, Alex, why – I’m just super fucked up, okay? You don’t have to pretend like you want to stick around, it’s okay, I understand, just let me shower and I’ll be out of your – “

“No.”

Alex’s voice is low, but it’s harder than Maggie’s ever heard it when they’re not in the field. It’s enough to stop Maggie from struggling to get out of Alex’s grip.

“No?”

“No. I’m not pretending anything. And you’re not crazy. Who hits themselves like that, Maggie? People. People do, people who are in pain. And you’re in pain. And no, hey, my turn to talk, okay? It doesn’t matter that there’s not an immediate reason. It’s okay that you’re scaring yourself. I mean, it’s not okay, it’s awful, but it doesn’t make you awful, Mags. I scare myself, too. And Kara, you think she doesn’t scare herself? J’onn? What would you call us, Maggie? You gonna go around saying terrible things to everyone who’s ever been in so much pain that we don’t know where to put it? I love you, Maggie. And I’m not here to judge you for your feelings, okay? I’m here to help you find a place for them. I love you. Do you understand me?”

A long silence rises between them. A silence that contains both of their Elizas and both of their fathers. A silence that holds busted knuckles and tortured prisoners; a silence that screams the pain of finding a family after having lost one so long ago.

“How could you love me anyway, Alex? I’m… I’m a monster when I get like this, I’m abusive, I’m just… I’m just a monster – “

“No. Hey, no. You’re not. You’re a person, Maggie, and you’re in pain. And you’re right, okay, fine, maybe it’s not super great that you snap at me. But you know what I think, Maggie? I think for the little bit you snapped at me, you’re raging at yourself so much harder. You have so much control, Maggie. All the time. Over your emotions, over your actions. Sometimes, that control’s gonna slip. And we’ll work on it. But snapping at someone, isolated like this – babe, that doesn’t make you abusive. I’ve been emotionally abused, remember? And this isn’t it. This is you raising your voice for point two seconds and trying to run away from me so you don’t hurt me.”

“Alex – “

“No, I’m not done. Just one more thing. I don’t love you anyway, Maggie. I love you because. You have… you have all these feelings inside you that… that hurt. So badly. And what you are, with all these feelings, isn’t a monster. What you are is the woman I love, the woman who was perfect and selfless when I came out to her even though you were in twenty kinds of pain after watching people die out of nowhere; the woman who didn’t ask any questions when I needed to go after my father, you just supported me and helped me; the woman who threw me a Valentine’s prom when really, we should have been focusing on your own pain. Maggie, you’re wonderful, and that… that monstrousness inside you? It could make you cruel, and abusive, you’re right. But it doesn’t. It’s just made you… loving. And I love you. All of you. Alright?”

Maggie doesn’t speak. She doesn’t remember how.

She doesn’t remember how to cry into anyone’s arms, either, but she knows she’s about to.

And as Alex kisses her face and draws her now limp body close into her strong, steady one, she thinks that maybe it’s about time.