598. Chapter 598

He keeps flinching when he tries to get out of bed.

He keeps flinching because at least when he’s laying down, his chest falls a bit flatter. When he gets up, he has to go through the whole showering thing before he can even tug his binder on.

He keeps flinching, and he groans.

There’s a knock on his door, and he groans louder.

“Whaddaya want, Winn?” he calls out to his suitemate.

“Hey man, just wanted to see if it’s okay that I have some of your Cocoa Puffs for breakfast.”

Adrian frowns and is distracted from his own self for a moment.

“Winn,” he manages to sit up. “You hate Cocoa Puffs.”

He hears Winn sigh, and he ignores how heavy with depression, with immobilizing anxiety, his body feels.

Because if Winn is asking for Cocoa Puffs, something must be wrong. He tosses on a huge sweatshirt that somewhat comforts him, and he opens his bedroom door.

“You okay?” Adrian asks, still rubbing sleep and anxiety from his eyes.

Winn shuffles his feet. “Yeah, dude, I just wanted some chocolatey goodness.”

“Your dad loved Cocoa Puffs. So you hate them. So you sure as shit don’t want any of mine.” Adrian gives him a gentle, affirmative shove. “So what really is it, Schott? You can tell me, I’m here for you.”

Winn sighs and shoves his hands into his Star Wars pajama pants pockets.

“I heard you tossing and turning and generally sounding like you feel like crap. I wanted to knock and see if you were okay before you started blasting MCR and wouldn’t be able to hear me.”

Adrian scoffs and shakes his head and scoffs again.

“You’re a good egg, Schott,” he tells him finally, and Winn’s eyes crinkle into a soft smile.

“But uh… do you know if Alex is around?”

Winn’s eyes flicker with understanding, and he reaches for his phone. “They’re probably still in bed with their giiiiirlfriend,” he singsongs as he texts them. “But I’m sure they’ll be right over. Do you uh… do you wanna be alone while you wait, man, or – “

For a moment, Adrian wants to say yes. But Winn doesn’t usually call people “man” and “dude.” He’s using those words just for him. Because he’s kind and because he understands and because he doesn’t think anything is wrong or weird or freaky about Adrian.

He wasn’t one of those kids who made his life hell in high school.

So Adrian just steps back into his bedroom, climbs back into his bed, and pats the mattress next to him. Winn hops on, knees first, before checking his phone again.

“Okay, Alex’ll be here in – “

There’s a loud knock at the door.

“It’s open!” Winn shouts, and Adrian curls his knees up into his chest, hugging himself.

“Hey, what’s – “

Alex is breathless and half dressed as they poke their head into Adrian’s room, Maggie right behind them, a half-formed hickey on her neck.

“Oh, shit, guys, I’m sorry, you were clearly uh… busy, you didn’t have to – “

“Hey, no, not at all.”

“Don’t even worry about it, little man,” Alex and Maggie say at the same time, asking before Adrian nods, before they shove Winn playfully over and all four of them sink into Adrian’s tiny twin bed.

“Wanna talk about it?” Alex asks, their voice low, their eyes gentle.

Their hand hovers near Adrian’s ankle, and when he nods, they touch the hem of his plaid pajama pants.

He shifts so his head rests on Maggie’s shoulder, and she puts her arm around him and kisses his forehead. Winn and Alex exchange a soft smile.

“Not really. I just have orgo today, and it’s lab, so everyone’s always talking and carrying on while experiments are running, and like… when the guys treat me like one of them, it’s nice, you know? Validating, like. But then sometimes they’ll talk about girls in a really gross way, and if I accept like I’m one of them, does that mean I’m accepting like… their attitudes? And I don’t want to be distant from the girls, just because I’m not a girl, and I have to get dressed, and how I dress is gonna effect how they treat me, and I just want a break from having to calculate everything I do, you know? I don’t want to have to… overthink everything. I just want to… be.”

He’s nearly crying, now, and so is Alex. So is Maggie. So is Winn.

Adrian shakes his head and leans closer into Maggie’s embrace.

“I’m sorry, guys, you were having a good morning, I – “

“Hey, no, this is what roommates are for,” Winn tells him before the others get a chance to speak. “And raging lesbians just trying to start their morning as gayly as possible.”

Maggie tosses a pillow at him and Alex straight up smacks him with one, and Adrian laughs as he wipes tears from his eyes.

“I know it doesn’t fix anything, Ade,” Alex sighs after their laughter dies down. “I know it doesn’t make it better, not all the time, but… you can take a break right now. We can be your break. That’s… that’s what it feels like for me. Being with Maggie, with you and Kara and James and even this nerd here.”

“Takes one to know one, Danvers.”

“My point, Adrian, is… is we can be your break. Because we love you. And you’re real. And other people’s misogyny isn’t your fault, as long as you don’t reproduce it and make sure they know you don’t approve when you feel safe and healthy enough to do it, and all that. And how do I know? That you’re real and all kinds of badass for being you? Because this is exactly what you and Maggie tell me when I’m feeling similar to how you’re feeling. Isn’t it?”

Adrian sighs and Maggie’s hand hesitates before touching his cheek. He presses his face into her touch and they both smile as she exaggerates flinching at his newly-growing stubble.

“They’re right, Ade. I promise. We love you so much. And it’s okay to have a crappy day. It doesn’t make you a crappy person. Doesn’t make you less you. Okay?”

Adrian nods and sniffles and, finally, smiles.

“I love you guys, too. Thank you.”

“Always,” all three of them assure him at the same time, because that’s exactly what they mean.