603. Chapter 603

She’s forgotten, lately.

That Winn used to be her shoulder to cry on.

That before there was Supergirl; before there was the DEO and before her sister was living a double life – well, before she knew about it, anyway – there was Winn.

She’s forgotten, lately.

She’s forgotten a lot, lately.

So when she tells him that she’s stronger than that – stronger than having a mere human panic attack – she almost doesn’t register what the flicker of pain on his face means.

Almost.

But then he stumbles over his words, and he recovers himself, because this is about Kara, Kara, Kara, not about him.

He tells her that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

And suddenly, she is ashamed.

But not because of her panic attack.

Because of his.

Because of his father’s birthdays and the calls from the prison that send Winn into a downward spiral.

Because of nights spent at his little studio apartment – sometimes alone, sometimes with James, sometimes with Alex, and, more recently, sometimes with Maggie – making sure he can breathe. Making sure he takes his medication with some food in his stomach. Making sure he knows where he is. Making sure he knows that he’s safe. That it’s not his fault his mother left. That he is none of the things his foster families would tell him he was.

That he is not, and never will be, his father.

And suddenly, the wall she’s spent too long now trying to carve around her heart cracks, melts, vaporizes.

Just like her planet.

She pushes that to the side, for now.

Because Winn deserves better than for her to imply that he’s weak. That she’s stronger than him, better than him, because she’s too good to have panic attacks.

Even if that’s not what she meant.

“Oh, Winn, no, I’m… I’m not ashamed.” And her voice is softer, now, less defensive, now.

More loving, now.

She shifts closer to him and hesitates before putting her hands on his. He accepts her touch gratefully.

“And you have nothing to be ashamed of, either. That… that was a terrible thing to say. That I’m stronger than that. Stronger than panic attacks. I… I didn’t mean that. That was a terrible thing to say. I’m sorry, Winn. I’m so sorry.”

He shrugs and he scoffs and he tries to smile. Tries to pretend he isn’t about to cry.

Tries to pretend his heart underneath her boots, shredded by her tongue and her pain that made her forget his.

“Not about me, there, Supergirl,” he quips, trying to inject levity in his voice.

“No, Winn, don’t… don’t do that. Not for me.”

“Do what?” he asks, trying to laugh, and she squeezes his hands, taking care not to do it enough to hurt.

“Don’t laugh it off. I messed up, Winn. I hurt you. You can be angry at me. It’s okay.”

Winn sighs and shakes his head.

“Kara, I’m not… you just had a horrible panic attack. You lashed out, you… you’re in pain. It’s… it’s okay. But you need to tell Alex, Kara. You need to tell J’onn. Please.”

She sighs and starts to leave, but he holds onto her hands, pleading in his eyes.

“What if I hadn’t told you? When I needed you? Please, Kara. We’re your family. Let us be here. Let Alex be here. She’ll threaten me with her index finger, and maybe even her pinky, if she finds out I know and didn’t tell her, anyway.”

This brings a small laugh from his best friend, and he smiles faintly.

“I love you, Kara.”

The words hurt – because everything hurts, especially the love of people who don’t understand how worthless she is – but they make her smile anyway. It’s soft and it’s pained, but it’s something.

She steps into his arms and she lets him hold her, like she’s held him through his attacks.

“I love you too, Winn,” she murmurs into his shoulder, and it’s good enough for now.