662. Chapter 662

Sometimes she just picks fights.

She doesn’t do it on purpose.

Usually, she’s not even aware she’s doing it.

But sometimes, she just picks fights, because sometimes – well, all the time, really – she feels like she doesn’t deserve her.

Like she will leave her – knowing all she does about her, knowing her as intimately as she does, knowing things about her she’s never shared with anyone else, knowing that she’s her everything – because one day, Alex will figure that out, too.

Might as well speed up the process, right?

Alex falls for it a couple of times.

Falls for the idea that Maggie is just being a jerk for no apparent reason.

Until Alex picks up a pattern.

When Maggie messes up – or thinks she does – at work.

When she sees Alex interacting with other women, beautiful women, single women.

When Alex does something particularly brilliant.

It’s not that Maggie takes out her bad days on Alex; quite the contrary. Often, the only way Alex even knows Maggie’s had a bad day is because Winn will call to let her know that her overheard certain things on the NCPD comms lines.

And it’s not that Maggie doesn’t want Alex to interact with other women; quite the contrary. She encourages it, and she smiles and she tells Alex – and she means it – how great it is to have more people who make her smile in her life.

And it’s not that she isn’t supportive when Alex does something particularly brilliant; quite the contrary. She goes all out to congratulate her, to praise her, to celebrate her, making her feel like she deserves, hardcore, to be celebrated.

Alex just picks up the pattern that, in the days surrounding those types of things, Maggie tends to withdraw into herself, to pick fights.

And one day, it’s just crystal clear to Alex why: the through line is Maggie’s fear.

Maggie’s fear that she isn’t good enough.

That she’ll hurt Alex.

Or, before she gets a chance, that Alex will realize she isn’t worth it, she isn’t enough, and she’ll leave.

And Maggie will be destroyed.

So one night, she pads over to the couch Maggie’s insisted on sleeping on – at least she’s stopped trying to leave the apartment when she gets upset, because the anxiety Alex has that something could happen to her while they’re fighting is just too much – and she kneels next to her girlfriend.

She runs gentle fingers through her hair and presses light kisses to her face until Maggie wakes up.

“What, Danvers?” she asks, their fight – about nothing, about Alex driving with too little gas in her Ducati’s tank – still thick in her voice.

“Come to bed, baby,” Alex whispers, and it’s the love in her tone that snaps Maggie’s eyes open.

“I was a jackass,” she deadpans, the sleep gone from her voice now.

Alex nods slowly, no judgment in her eyes, no anger in her stance. She crawls onto the couch as Maggie sits up, shifting the blankets so she can be next to her.

“And I think I know why,” Alex tilts her head, and Maggie chances a glance at her.

“Oh yeah?” she croaks, and Alex reaches out a hand to caress her face.

“May I?” she asks.

“I don’t deserve it,” Maggie mutters, and Alex smiles softly.

“See? That’s what I mean. I think… Maggie, I think sometimes you’re so scared to get broken again that you forget that I love you. I think sometimes you’re so scared by how the world’s treated you that you forget that I’m not the rest of the world. And I think when you get that scared, you push me away, because better to be in pain now than later, when you’ve opened yourself up even more, right?”

Alex offers her hand out to Maggie again, and this time, Maggie relents, letting her face press into Alex’s palm.

“What makes you think that?” she asks despite herself.

“Because I know you, Maggie Sawyer. And you know what? I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever thought it was possible to love someone, and I just… I want you to let me. So come back to bed. Let me hold you. Please?”

“I picked a fight for no reason,” Maggie protests softly.

“Like I’ve never made any mistakes,” Alex counters, stroking her hair and kissing her face.

“I’m sorry,” Maggie whispers, as she lets Alex pull her off the couch and carries her to bed.

“Make it up to me by letting me love you better,” Alex kisses her hair as she tucks them both in, as she snuggles Maggie close into her body. “You deserve all my love,” she assures her as Maggie latches onto her. “I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Maggie Sawyer. I love you so much.”

“And I love you, Alex Danvers,” Maggie murmurs as she falls asleep, as she lets Alex love her and, possibly, begins to love herself.