689. Chapter 689

She never wanted to feel that feeling again.

The feeling that Red Kryptonite gave her.

The feeling of watching her sister’s face crumble.

The feeling of hearing Cat Grant scream in terror.

The feeling of destroying everything.

Everyone.

That she loved.

She never wanted to feel that feeling again.

Except also, a little bit… she did.

A little bit, she did, because it gave her an outlet.

Cat had told her to find the reasons she was really angry, and Rao, she found so many.

Too many for any one person to bear.

So she never wanted to feel it again, but sometimes… sometimes, in her darker moments, she imagined what it would be like.

To be able to let go.

Of all the rage and all the hurt, all the disappointment and all the terror.

Terror of losing Alex.

Rage at losing… everything.

Again, and again, and again, and again.

She never wanted to feel it again, except maybe she did… but then she didn’t have a choice.

Because Cadmus got their hands on the stuff, and they were, of course, merciless with it.

So she’s in Alex’s apartment, now, and Alex looks different than she did last time.

Her hair is curlier, is redder. Her face, always confident, carries a little more self-love, a little less force and a little more soft.

But it’s all edges, now, because Kara is telling her everything she’s wanted to tell her – not wanted to, but wanted to, but not, but yes, but… – for too long now.

“And you don’t think she’s actually going to stay with you? She never stays with anyone, she never looks back. But you know who’s stayed, Alex, for you? I have. I have, even when you abandon me, even when you promise me that dating someone won’t take you away from me. But you know what, sister?”

She says the word with disgust. Like she had last time. With a mocking that carves Alex to the core.

“It did. It did, because I needed you. Cat was gone, and she was all I had at CatCo, my only normal anchor. Because Winn wants to be involved in everything Supergirl, and hell, James is his own superhero now! Maybe Maggie can get her own suit, too, it can be a good old party. But Cat was normal, was safe and sane and she left me, like you left me. She left me for mountains and you left me for a girl, and neither of you cared that I was dying inside.”

“Kara – “

“Are you going to tell me I’m wrong? That bringing me back from the Black Mercy wasn’t the cruelest thing anyone had ever done to me? You should have left me there, Alex. You should have left me, in a world with my family, my real family. My family that didn’t include you. I was happy, then, and you ripped me away.”

“You chose – “

“You begged. You begged because you didn’t know who to be without me, but now you have Maggie, and you can just be her mirror like you were mine. You brought me back from paradise straight into hell, and then you left me. A real sister wouldn’t abandon me, Alex, wouldn’t neglect my Earth birthday or postpone Sisters’ Night or be so distracted that I get sucked into a warzone across the galaxy without you. And after you murdered my aunt, the one connection I had left to my home. You could have incapacitated her, you could have done anything but kill her, but you chose, and you made the choice to destroy everything I – ”

“Kara, please – “

She’s crying, now. Alex.

And Kara loves it.

Relishes it.

A small part of her, a quiet part of her, screams against it, protests against Alex’s pain.

But the part of her – most of her – that is flooded with every terrible thought she’s ever had is having the time of her life.

The release is amazing.

This is amazing.

And it can get even better.

“I wonder who’s out there in this city you and your girlfriend love so much that’s going to need protection. I would tell you not to follow me, but you trying to stop me will just make this even better. See you on the battlefield. Sister.”

And she does.

She sees her sister trembling as she fires the DEO-made gun that finally knocks her out.

She thinks later that she could have gotten out of the way, but maybe part of her needed it to stop. Needed to be stopped. Or else she never would.

She almost expects Alex to be nowhere in sight when she wakes, with tears streaked on her face and her body sore all over.

But she is.

Of course she is. Holding her hand and stroking her hair like she hadn’t tried her hardest to break her heart. To break her.

“Alex,” is all Kara can manage, because her voice is hoarse and because her overflow of emotions is just too much.

“No one got hurt,” Alex assures her gently, but her back stiffer now that Kara’s awake.

“That’s not true,” Kara reaches a trembling hand over herself to cover Alex’s, who just grimaces and shakes her head.

“I’ll be fine,” she says, but her voice is tight, and Kara wonders vaguely what she’s told Maggie about their exchange. Or, rather, about Kara’s monologue.

“Alex – “

“It wasn’t you, Kara.” Her voice is firm. Like she wants the conversation to be over. Like she needs that to be the truth. But it’s not. And her eyes tell Kara that she knows it, too.

“But it was,” Kara whispers, and Alex bites her lip to keep from sobbing as she turns her face away.

“I know,” Alex whispers back. “But… but is it also you that loves me? Because if you do, then we can work through the rest, we can – “

“I do, Alex. I do, of course. I love you so much, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I – “

“Shhh, Kara. I got you. I got you. I got you.”

“I love you, Alex. I love you so much, I do, I promise I do, I’m so sorry.”

It’s hours before J’onn decides it’s time to wake them from the sobbing-induced sleep they take in each other’s arms.

He knows it’ll be a long road, but the way Kara hugs Maggie on their way out of the DEO, and the way she walks between her and Alex, holding both of their hands as they finally head home, he knows it’ll be worth the journey. Together.