691. Chapter 691
She’s used to it, by now.
The way her heart races and her head can’t focus on anything at all because every new thing she thinks about launches her into a deeper state of panic, gives her something new to spin out about.
She’s used to it, and she can push through it.
She did it throughout middle school, and dammit, she can do it in high school, too.
She doesn’t need the nurse’s office, and she certainly doesn’t need everyone’s alternately curious, sympathetic, or snide looks.
She doesn’t need anything. She doesn’t need anyone.
She’s got this.
She doesn’t have time for this.
She can do this. She’s done it before. She can do it again.
“Maggie?” a voice – her favorite voice in the entire world – sounds from just behind her, and where it usually gives her the greatest happiness, the greatest comfort, right now it just makes her panic worse.
Because her defenses are lower around her girlfriend.
But she can still do this. Really, she can.
She keeps working on her lab report, steadily sifting her way through the chemical reactions she’s stirring up in the beakers, careful to keep her goggles on to avoid the chastizement from their chemistry teacher.
She keeps her goggles on even though they’re making her feel even more closed in, even more trapped, even more… no. No no no no no. She’s got this.
She keeps the pen steady in her gloved hand as she observes the reactions and measures their temperatures.
“Babe,” Alex tries again. “You’re sweating.”
“It’s hot in here,” Maggie shrugs before realizing too late how defensive she’d sounded. She can turn this around. She can, she can, she can. “Just like it is whenever you’re in the room, Danvers,” she tries to smirk, but she imagines that it just comes out like what it is: a panicked attempt to hide her panic.
“It’s actually pretty cold,” Alex says gently, with absolutely no judgment in her voice.
“I’m fine. Just trying to get this lab done.” She tries to keep her voice steady, but there must be something in it that her girlfriend detects, because her gloved hands are suddenly covering Maggie’s.
“Mags, hey. Hey, it’s okay. You can stop. We don’t have to finish right now.”
“Yes, we do! You’re the one always freaking out about making sure your school work is perfect, Danvers, of course we have to finish, don’t be – “
“Maggie. Listen to me. You are my girlfriend. Okay? You’re more important than our school work. And you don’t look okay. I mean, you look great, I’m just saying. I’ve got you. I’m here. What do you need?”
Maggie hesitates for a beat, but Alex’s voice is so genuine, so low and so loving, that she tells her.
“Everything’s spinning and nothing’s right and I can’t do anything the right way and I’m ruining our lab because I can’t handle basic school work and my heart feels like it’s gonna burst even though I know it’s not but knowing that doesn’t make it any better, you know?”
And Alex doesn’t tell her it’s going to be alright. She doesn’t tell her to calm down. She just weaves their fingers together, right there in the middle of their chemistry lab, gloves and all.
“I know. I know it doesn’t. But I promise you, Maggie, you don’t have to push through it. I can ride through it with you. Together. You don’t have to pretend it’s not there, okay? I’m here. And I’m stronger than your panic, and so are you. Okay? Combined? It’ll be panicked about us.”
Maggie can’t help but laugh at her girlfriend’s ridiculousness and earnesty.
“Oh no, poor panic!” she chortles, and Alex kisses her quickly.
“I’m here. Okay? I’m here. I’ve got you.”
“Promise?” Maggie blinks back tears so they don’t fill her goggles.
“Promise,” Alex nods, and she’s right: the panic doesn’t go away. Not right away, not completely. But Maggie does start to see a way to ride through it, now. And somehow, that and Alex’s hand in hers is what gets her through.