785. Chapter 785

She loves when Alex takes when she wants.

She does. She really, really does.

Even when Alex is pissed off and terrified and all she wants is to wash away the violent screams of the day with Maggie’s very-distinctly-not-violent sex screams; when all she wants is to use Maggie’s body to feel a rush that has nothing to do with protecting anyone, nothing to do with almost losing anyone, nothing to do with saving the world. Just the rush of blood that won’t be shed, whimpers that aren’t born of fear or pain, scratches down her back that might break the skin, but will feel sweet and warm after, not something that will keep her in the med bay for days on end.

Maggie loves Alex, and she doesn’t love when she’s like that, not exactly - because it means, invariably, that she’s in unspeakable amounts of pain, that her eyes have seen things and her hands have done things that she can’t bear to recall - but she loves giving her body, her heart, over to Alex’s process.

Because she always asks, and she always looks like she’s concentrating so damn hard, expending the very last bits of her willpower, on making sure Maggie’s alright with everything that’s happening, that Maggie wants everything Alex is doing to her.

And gods, yes, usually, she does.

But tonight she’s tired and she had a day of her own and Alex wants to fuck her, but Maggie wants to kiss her; to kiss her and hold her and tell her everything’s going to be okay, and if everything’s not going to be okay, they can be not okay together.

But when Alex asks, Maggie nods; because Alex’s eyes are burning and Maggie might not be in the mood, might rather kiss her gently and pull her close, but she trusts her, and she doesn’t mind, not really, because damn if Alex isn’t good at what she does; so she nods every time Alex pauses to ask, gruff and low and rough, and when Alex dimly detects that Maggie isn’t as into it as she usually is, Maggie soothes her confused concern away by pulling her back down into a kiss and giving her body over to what she loves, just not right now, to who she loves, always.

It’s something she’s done before, but never with Alex.

So when Alex falls asleep - Alex always sleeps, hard, when she’s made love to Maggie like this - Maggie shifts to the side and pulls herself up on the bed and pulls Alex’s sweatshirt over her head and she cries.

She cries because she doesn’t feel violated and she doesn’t feel wronged - she might, under different circumstances, but she doesn’t, just now - but she feels hopeless and fucked up and like the inevitable is not good.

Because whenever she’s done this with someone else - went along with something she didn’t necessarily want at the moment - it spelled disaster for the relationship.

Because usually, once or twice became a pattern. And when it became a pattern, she would start noticing other patterns.

Other ways that the other person got what she wanted more than Maggie did. Other ways that the other person’s needs were more important than Maggie’s, other ways that her own desires got sidelined, throughout the entire relationship.

And when she pointed them out?

She was hard-headed, insensitive, obsessed with work. Borderline sociopathic. All the fun stuff that went right after Maggie’s diagnoses, insecurities.

Because asserting what she needed always brought out that kind of thing.

She should have known better. She always should have known better.

Was this the start, then, of all that? Of not feeling like it but going along with what Alex needed this one time in bed a sign that it was going to become a pattern, just… how they had sex? Was it a sign that she wasn’t asserting herself enough in their relationship in general? That she was going to bottle everything and bottle everything and internalize it until everything bubbled over and then Alex would be taken by surprise, wouldn’t want her anymore, when one time, just one, Maggie drew a line in the relationship sand and wouldn’t cross it?

It’s what always happens.

It’s always the same.

She doesn’t want it to be the same with Alex.

So she cries on the edge of the bed, and she’s an expert at it, really.

Crying without waking the woman on the other side of your bed.

Maggie’s an expert, but Alex is a Danvers, and Alex, of course, wakes up.

“Maggie?” she murmurs, and there’s only gentleness in her voice, now.

She must have fucked through everything she needed to.

Maggie gulps and tries to be subtle about wiping her eyes.

“Sleep, Danvers,” she tries to sound collected, and even she knows she’s failing.

Alex’s sleepy arms are around her in moments.

“What’s wrong, Mags?”

Maggie flinches away, just right now, just in this moment, from the nickname.

“Maggie?” Alex repeats, like she knows.

This is how everything ends.

This is always how everything ends.

“I’m fine, Danvers, go back to sleep.”

She says it to the wall, and she doesn’t know if she’s grateful or not when Alex curls herself into a little seated ball next to her.

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk. But can I be here? With you?”

Maggie doesn’t dare to hope. That Alex is different. That she’s different with Alex. That this isn’t a sign of something bigger, an indicator, a red flag. That this is just something she needs to talk to Alex about, and it will be better, different, won’t happen, next time.

She doesn’t dare to hope.

Well, almost.

She trusts this woman. This woman loves her.

Right?

That’s something she’s worthy of.

Right?

“I didn’t want you to fuck me like that tonight, Alex,” she tells the wall before she can change her mind. Her voice is low and her hands are already up, protecting against Alex’s inevitably panic spiral.

“Hey, whoa, no. No, you’re fine. I don’t feel, I don’t know, violated or anything. You checked in and you didn’t hurt me and I’m completely fine.”

“You’re crying -”

And from the sound of her voice - Maggie wouldn’t know visually, because she hasn’t quite been able to look at her girlfriend yet - Alex is crying, now, already.

“I am. But I need you not to, right now. I’m fine and you didn’t hurt me and you didn’t do anything crazy wrong, and I need it to be about me right now. Just right now. And we can talk more about everything later. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay.” Alex’s voice is still shaking, but it’s involuntary and it’s repressed, and a wave of gratitude and hope sweeps through Maggie’s bones.

“I’m fine. But you know, I get worried about you. When you come home all worked up like that, and you don’t tell me what’s going on. I like it, normally, god, you know I do. But I get worried, you know, and you won’t talk and sometimes we both get swept away and that’s great, I’m here for it, but tonight you were swept away and I was right here, worrying about you and wondering what you weren’t telling me and I just wanted to kiss you and hold you and let you talk, and hey, I’m a big fan of you talking with your body, Danvers, but I couldn’t get out of my own head tonight worrying about what happened to make you in this mood, and I should’ve said something but I didn’t so now I’m worried it’s a bigger thing, and… yeah. That’s… that’s all I got.”

She clamps her mouth closed before she can apologize for speaking, before she can apologize for having feelings.

She trusts Alex more than that. And, she’s surprised to realize, she trusts herself more than that too, now.

Maggie turns to look Alex in the face for the first time, and there are tears streaked down Alex’s cheeks, but she hasn’t made a sound. She hasn’t drawn attention to it. She hasn’t made Maggie feel guilty for saying something that made her cry.

She knew she loved her, but god, this is next level.

Maybe she has a low bar. Or maybe she both has a low bar and Alex Danvers is a dedicated, fast learner.

Alex has her processing face on; another thing that steadies Maggie’s heart rate. She’s nodding slowly to herself, and she reaches for Maggie’s hands.

“May I?”

Maggie smiles and not only gives Alex her hands, but scoots closer to her.

Her touch is gentle and tender and reverent. It sweeps through Maggie like nothing she’d ever known, before this woman.

“I’m sorry. I knew something was off, I think, but you kept saying it was okay so I kept choosing to trust your words instead of what the rest of your vibe was saying. And I shouldn’t have, just then. I’m sorry for putting my wants so far ahead of yours that I made a choice not to see where you were at.”

Normally this would be when Maggie jumps in, comforts her, tells her she’s sorry for causing any pain, that she didn’t do anything wrong.

But she loves Alex, trusts her, more than she’s ever loved or trusted anyone.

And she loves and trusts herself, too, it seems, more than she’s ever loved or trusted herself before.

Because she stays quiet, her fingers wrapped in Alex’s, and lets Alex continue processing.

“I need to figure out how to talk, don’t I? When I’m feeling like that. I know I usually talk after. But still. I guess I take the debrief in debriefing a little too far, don’t I?”

Maggie groans and Alex gives a watery laugh. “Please don’t take pun lessons from your sister or Winn anymore,” Maggie smirks with wet eyes.

“I usually love it, I swear I do. You being all growly and raspy and taking everything you want from me? Absolutely.” She kisses down Alex’s jawline, making both of them shiver, still holding hands in Alex’s lap. “Just,” Maggie pulls back slightly so they can look each other in the eyes. “I think we need to make sure you’re in a place where you feel like you want to have sex that way, instead of feeling like you need to in order to like, survive a moment.”

Alex nods as she kisses Maggie’s forehead. They both sigh into the action, and giggle simultaneously at the way they sighed simultaneously.

Which, of course, only makes them giggle more.

Alex sobers first. “I’m sorry, Maggie. Or, well. I understand what you’re saying, and I’m going to put in the work, okay? I promise. And thank you. That had to be hella scary to tell me. Thank you.”

“I love you, Danvers,” Maggie says like it’s the most obvious answer, because it is.

Alex nods again, slow and steady and almost to herself. “And I’m going to make sure I deserve that love.”

“You already do, Danvers. Just do me one favor?”

Alex’s spine stiffens as she readies herself for whatever the favor might be.

Maggie laughs at the nerd that is her girlfriend.

“Let me hold you?” Maggie asks, and it isn’t by any means what Alex looks like she was expecting, but it’s exactly what they both want.

“Yes please,” Alex murmurs, and when they kiss, it’s sweet and warm and everything they both need.