4. Love, Liability, and all Things in Between

Despite Eddie’s nagging, Steve was in fact late the next morning. After about ten minutes with no sign of the man, he let out a sigh, digging into his pockets for a cigarette. “Dammit, Harrington.” He lit the cigarette and leaned against the side of the video store, tugging his jacket a little tighter around him at the brisk morning air, work smock hanging from one hand.

“Munson,” a voice that was definitely not Steve tugged Eddie’s eyes up from the ground. He tried to hide the way he stiffened at the sight of Jason, Andy, and Chance walking up. “Good. You’re here.”

“Carver, look. It’s way too early in the morning for me to be seeing your face,” Eddie said in a genuinely tired tone. “I mean, am I really the first person you wanna talk to in your day?”

There was no back and forth this time. Jason grabbed Eddie by his vest and slammed him against the wall, eyes wide with anger. Eddie winced at the impact, dropping his smock as he held his hands up in an attempted surrender, managing to somehow hold onto the cigarette.

“Fortunately for me, there won’t be much talking,” and then Carver’s hands were around his throat, squeezing. Hard. Eddie let out a choked noise, eyes widening and free hand trying to claw at Jason’s arm.

Jason glared back at him with a clenched jaw, face red and veins popping in his neck as he put his full force into choking the life out of Eddie. Eddie’s head began to feel fuzzy.

Before Vecna, Eddie was never a fighter. When it came down to it, he could never stomach fighting back dirty any time some jock would rough him up. Content to protect himself enough to soften the damage, and never taking that step into vicious territory.

But Vecna required him to be vicious. No matter how much it broke his spirit. Eddie had become accustomed to being thrust into situation after situation where he had to think of any way out, or he would die. Or worse, watch someone he cared for die.

Maybe that’s why, even with his mind drifting out of him, he was so readily able to press his lit cigarette into Carver’s hand. Eddie pressed with all the strength he had left, relief flooding him as Jason cried out, dropping Eddie and backing up a few steps. “Fuck!” He roared.

Eddie’s knees buckled as his feet hit the ground, feeling air flood his lungs before he began to cough raggedly. He only fell to his knees for a moment before forcing himself into a staggering walk, which slowly turned into a weak run away from the three men.

Three men who had just turned to pursue Eddie’s– painfully slow– escape, when suddenly a familiar car was screeching to a stop next to the sidewalk in front of him.

Eddie had never been happier to see Steve Harrington. Steve shot out of his car, slamming the door with wide eyes as he ran over to support a clearly still unstable Eddie. “Eddie?” He said urgently. “What–” he looked up then, obviously spotting Carver and his boys approaching. “Get in the car,” Steve commanded sternly, helping Eddie to the car by steadying his shoulders with his hands.

He opened the door and Eddie ducked into the passenger seat, finally starting to feel his sense of reality return. Steve closed the door behind him, running to get in the driver’s side as the three guys were now running toward them as well.

Andy had just managed to slam his hands against Eddie’s window, yelling, “You’re dead Munson!” Before Steve sped off.

“What the hell happened?” Steve asked urgently, breaths erratic from the adrenaline. He looked over at him then with wide, worried eyes that Eddie had come to know all too well.

“Oh, you know,” Eddie rasped out, voice hoarse. He was breathing heavily as well, still shaking from the events. “Carver must’ve heard through the grapevine I like choking, but he’s terrible at it,” Eddie joked, attempting a thoughtful look as his body desperately tried to return to homeostasis. “Hey, maybe he heard about my list.”

“He choked you?!” Steve exclaimed in disbelief, completely ignoring Eddie’s sarcasm. He examined Eddie between a few glances, still keeping eyes on the road. “Are you okay?” He asked, quieter.

Eddie met Steve’s eyes, breath finally slowing. He let out a final sigh of relief, voice tightened into a higher pitch than normal. “Yeah,” he shrugged. “Burned him with my cigarette.”

Steve looked back at him again, face lighting up in shock and amusement. “You burned him with your cigarette?” He grinned, stealing a few more glances at Eddie. Where they were even driving, Eddie didn’t know. Eddie nodded, smiling at Steve’s reaction. “Munson. That’s pretty Ozzy of you.”

Eddie barked a laugh. “You don’t even know who he is!”

“I do now,” Steve defended, “I read about him in a few of your magazines. Seems like a… wild dude,” he glanced at Eddie with a smirk. “Nothing compared to some of the shit I’ve seen you do, though.”

And despite literally almost having the life choked out of him moments ago, Eddie couldn’t contain the grin that spread across his face at this. He shook his head, chuckling to himself as he looked out the window, unable to see even an inch of Steve for fear of his face splitting in half.

“It’s true!” Steve urged with a laugh, taking Eddie’s response as disagreement. Which he supposed it partially was. “Seriously. Ozzy hasn’t fought demobats. Hasn’t played a sick guitar solo that contributed to saving the fucking world. He hasn’t even been to the Upside Down.” As much as Eddie’s innate reaction was to disagree, he had to give it to Steve, because he was making a surprisingly compelling argument.

Eddie tried to bite back the grin as he looked over at Steve, raising his eyebrows at the ridiculous man who just probably saved him a trip to the hospital. When Steve looked back at Eddie, he smiled at whatever he saw. “Think you’re taking this whole list thing a little too seriously,” Eddie teased lightly.

“Yeah, well,” Steve continued to smile as he watched the road. “I’m just stating the facts. And factually, you’re way cooler than Ozzy.”

“Whatever you say, Harrington,” Eddie mused as he, too, watched the road. He let out a sigh. “So… what do we do about work? Should I just quit?”

“What?” Steve whipped his head to Eddie again briefly. “Why would you do that?”

“They’re obviously not gonna let this go, Steve,” Eddie said seriously, disappointment spreading through him. He’d actually really started to like his time at the video store. “And you’re not always gonna be there to be all…” Eddie gestured flippantly to Steve. “He-Man. What if Robin’s there next time and she gets hurt somehow? I’d never be able to live with myself.”

Steve was silent for a moment, but Eddie could practically hear his brain working overtime. “Then… we keep a few bats at the store… and tell our boss so we can get them banned,” Steve shrugged. “If they come back again we call Hopper directly and explain why they’re bothering you. You’re not quitting,” he said that last part matter-of-factly, with a look at Eddie that further implied he’d made the decision for him already.

Eddie could practically feel the change in the atmosphere, Steve’s jaw tightening as he kept his eyes on the road. “I’m, uh…” He began, voice quiet and almost… trembling? It was almost unnoticeable, but Eddie picked up on it. “I’m so fucking sorry, Eddie.”

This was practically as shocking to Eddie as what he’d just experienced with Carver. His brows furrowed deeply, stunned momentarily into silence by the sincerity in Steve’s voice. “For… what?”

Steve sucked in a hard breath through his nose, blowing it back out with force. His knuckles were white as he gripped the wheel. “You told me not to be fucking late, and if I had just–” he cut himself off, irritation bubbling with his words. “If I had just shown up on fucking time he wouldn’t have had a chance to lay his hands on you. I’m just… really fucking sorry, okay?”

“Steve,” This earned the attention of the man in question, who examined him with charged eyes before turning back to the road. Eddie sat up, the overwhelming need to assure Steve he wasn’t to blame breathing energy back into him. “This was not your fuckin’ fault,” Eddie gave a snort. His blame was so far from being placed on Steve, he almost couldn’t fathom how Steve came to such a conclusion. Though, he supposed given the circumstances, he would’ve likely come to the same one.

Steve seemed unconvinced, so Eddie continued. “No, I’m serious, Harrington. I’m not even entertaining your apology because–” Eddie shook his head with a gentle, but humorless chuckle. “It’s just not… applicable. So we’re good, alright?” He raised his brows at Steve expectantly.

When Steve looked back at him, his eyes were still widened into worried circles. “Alright,” he said quietly, looking back at the road. But Eddie could still see the tension held in his posture, hands gripping the wheel a little too tight for Eddie’s satisfaction.

“C’mon, Stevie,” Eddie gave a wide smile. “This any way to celebrate being bumped up to number five?” And when Steve looked back, that familiar grin spreading across his face, warmth spread through Eddie’s chest.

“Suck it, Gareth,” Steve muttered to himself triumphantly as he turned to the road.

“Well, for your sake let’s hope he doesn’t,” Eddie mused, earning a sudden laugh from Steve.

“Nah, it’s fine. Let him. I got a head start now.”

Apparently Steve had just been driving them around in the general area, finally circling back to the video store. Luckily, there was no sign of Carver or his friends. “If you want, take the day off, I’ll call Brenda and explain what happened,” Steve offered. Neither of them made a move to get out of the car right away, Eddie letting out a long sigh.

He thought about going back to the empty trailer, spending all day staring at that spot on the ceiling, now with added worry that Jason would show up at any second. “Nah. ‘Idle hands,’ and all that,” Eddie shrugged. “Anyway, I need the money. Might as well be here,” with a final look over at Steve, who was looking on in palely hidden concern, Eddie got out of the car.

Steve followed a moment later, but instead of unlocking the store door, he went around to his trunk. Eddie picked up his work smock, which still laid on the ground, dusting it off. When Steve closed his trunk he was holding the baseball bat. “Multi-use,” he said while shaking it lightly in the air.

Once Steve let them in, he said he was going to call Brenda, their boss, and headed straight for the back. Eddie followed him to clock in, but had no reason to stay to hear the call, instead walking back out to the checkout counter.

Eddie shrugged off his jacket and vest, hanging them on the stool before leaning on the counter with crossed arms. He let out a long exhale as he dropped his forehead against his forearms, letting his hair and body cloud him in a moment of peaceful darkness.

Worry began to crawl through Eddie. What if they burned down his trailer? What if they came looking for Eddie but found Wayne instead? Sure, he had a shotgun, but he was an older man and they were three healthy nineteen year olds. And it wasn’t like he answered the door with a loaded gun. Wayne wasn’t that level of paranoid, though guilt twisted deep in Eddie’s gut that maybe he should be.

“Hey,” Steve said in a quiet voice, Eddie lifting his head to see him examining him from his side. “You sure you’re good?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said reflexively, standing up and leaning against the counter with his back instead. “What did Brenda say?”

“Well, she said go home if you want… I’m guessing that’s still a no?” He raised his eyebrows at Eddie, who gave a weak smile as he tapped his nose twice. “She’s gonna get a camera installed in the parking lot. Carver and them aren’t allowed back. Mentioned maybe calling the cops.”

“Unfortunately, a few of the cops are more than happy to side with Carver,” Eddie sighed.

“Yeah, I know,” Steve said dejectedly. “I think it’s a good idea to call Hopper, though. Just let him know. And Sheriff Powell knows our side of the story now.” Hopper had joined the police again once he returned, but Calvin Powell stayed sheriff. Collaboratively, they were the leading forces making sure Eddie got declared innocent. Though, with the mental break claim, it was hard for Hopper’s words to carry much weight. Which is why Eddie owed a lot to Sheriff Powell, though he never thought in a million years a cop would be on his side.

He let out what felt like the billionth sigh that day, and it was barely eight AM. “You’re probably right.” Eddie’s voice was still strung out, but by now it hurt less to speak, thankfully.

Steve gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “I’ll go call him. Here,” Steve handed him the bat. “Just in case.” He disappeared into the back room once more. Eddie decided to call Robin from one of the phones at the checkout counter. She’d probably want to know, and he thought it would be good for her to keep an eye out just in case. He didn’t think Jason would go so far as to hurt anyone that wasn’t directly standing in his way, but he’d rather be safe than sorry.

“I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch,” Robin said through the phone once Eddie finished recalling the events. “Pretty sick you put your cigarette out on him, though. Little prick deserves it.”

“Yeah, well,” Eddie leaned back against the counter, crossing his legs and the arm that wasn’t holding the phone. “Still would’ve been a goner if it wasn’t for Harrington. Who knows what would’ve happened if he didn’t show up when he did.”

“Kinda wish he used his monster-hunting skills on them, though,” he could hear Robin’s disappointment through the phone.

He scoffed. “It was three on two, Rob, and I had just nearly been unconscious. Don’t think our odds were good enough for that.”

“Still,” Robin sighed. “Would’ve been nice to hear Jason had his basketball career ruined before it even started ‘cause he took a bat to the knee.”

“Jesus,” Eddie breathed a genuine laugh. “Maybe I should be warning Carver about you.”

There was a pause. “I’m glad you’re safe, Eddie,” she said sincerely.

Maybe it was all the emotions running high from the morning’s events, but he felt his eyes prickle at the words. He swallowed before saying “Thanks, Rob.” Eddie cleared his throat, dismissing the heavy silence that had fallen once more. “Oh, by the way, forgot to tell you. Update on the magazine: Couldn’t find it. So I must’ve taken it home sometime after we looked at it.”

Another brief pause. “Uh… unless that day was in between my last shift with Steve and your first one back… it was definitely in there.”

“What?” Eddie asked. “How do you know?”

“I looked through the drawer after Steve got one on the shift before I told you. It was there,” she said with certainty. “You didn’t have a shift in between the time that I found it and the time that I told you.”

“Wait,” Eddie rubbed one eye with his fingers as he tried to visualize dates and times. “If you found the mag why didn’t you just take it?”

“Because it’s not mine and I didn’t know if you wanted it there,” Robin said simply. “Plus, what would Vickie say if she found– for me– straight porn in my room?”

Eddie glanced around and despite Robin not being able to see him, he shrugged. “I dunno. Probably laugh?”

Robin sucked her teeth. “Yeah, that does sound like her actually. Regardless, I didn’t take it, you didn’t take it…”

He let out a long groan, lowering his voice as he said, “Are you really telling me that there’s a gay porn magazine on the loose at the Family Video Store?”

“Well, not really on the loose,” Robin corrected. “Someone has to have it. If it’s not you or me, that leaves three other people.”

“So, Brenda, Colton, or… Steve?” Eddie glanced to the back room, making sure to whisper Steve’s name, then continuing with normal volume. “My money’s on Colton, honestly. I’ve been waiting for that shoe to drop.”

“Brenda said anything to you about it?”

“No, but she hasn’t been in the store while I’m working in a while,” Eddie sighed. “Steve called her about today, not me.”

“And I feel like essentially questioning you on your sexuality after what just happened would feel particularly cruel, so I doubt she’d ask to talk to you about it now,” Robin thought aloud. He heard footsteps growing closer from behind the backroom door.

“Gotta go, Steve’s coming back. I’ll keep an eye out,” he rushed in a quiet tone, the two of them saying their goodbyes as Steve came out of the backroom. Eddie hung up the phone and turned his attention to him.

“Talked to Hopper, Powell is gonna put Callahan on watch over the trailer park,” Steve said as he leaned against the counter opposite Eddie. “They didn’t tell him specifics, just that some of the richer kids had been harassing the other people there. Said he’ll try to keep someone posted there as much as possible for the next week or so.”

Eddie ran frustrated hands over his face. “Yup, definitely gonna make the drug dealing harder,” he sighed. “But what can ya do? I’ll just sell out of the van, or something. ‘Cause ya know, it’s not like having copious amounts of drug paraphernalia in a vehicle is like, a huge crime or anything. And boy,” Eddie scoffed sarcastically. “Good thing I don’t have a record, right?”

Steve looked like he genuinely felt bad for Eddie in that moment, and it was frankly a little jarring to the latter. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, but in earnest. “If you want, just lay low, and I’ll spot you cash until you can start selling again.”

Eddie forced out a sigh in an attempt to unscramble his frazzled brain as a million components of his life had been tossed into the air in a single morning. “It’s fine, Harrington. And this feels like you’re not taking what I said earlier seriously.” Eddie looked him in the eyes as he said “It wasn’t your fault. And I’ll manage. More shit to think about, but I’ll live,” he attempted a reassuring smile, but it fell flat.

“Yes,” Steve said pointedly, picking up the bat and slowly shedding the serious tone from his words. “You will. You’ll take this home, because I have many more, despite never having played baseball, and if Carver ever comes within fifty feet of you again one of us will shatter his shins,” and then he gave the most innocent, fun-loving grin as he mimed swinging the bat in slow motion. “Sound good?”

Eddie laughed a little, raising his eyebrows in marvel. “Sometimes you and Robin are like two halves of a whole idiot, ya know that?”

Steve’s face fell into one of confused offense, but he still wore a smile. “Rude,” he scoffed, as if stunned by Eddie’s response. “Incredibly rude.”

“I meant to say that with affection,” Eddie smiled. Then, a thought crossed his mind. “Hey uh, random question,” he pulled a brief, goofy face to make it seem like his intrigue was casual. “You didn’t happen to find a… weird mag in the drawer, did you?”

Steve seemed to think about this. “Weird how?”

“Nah, forget it,” Eddie gave a wave, knowing that if Steve had caught any glimpse of the magazine he’d have known exactly what he was talking about. “Robin thinks she might’ve left one here,” he lied, expecting it to be in Steve’s nature to pry at the mention of a ‘weird mag.’

To Eddie’s surprise, he didn’t. “Alright,” Steve shrugged. “If I see a… ’weird magazine’ I’ll be sure to tell one of you,” he smirked, before opening the backroom and pulling out the returns cart.

“Here,” Eddie said, grabbing the cart from Steve. “Figured if I’m gonna be here I might as well actually work.” In reality, he knew if he wasn’t busy he’d just end up thinking about this morning.

“That’s a first,” Steve teased, Eddie flipping him off as he pulled the cart around the checkout. “So…” Steve started, pulling out a magazine from Eddie’s drawer and plopping it on the counter. He was looking up at Eddie with those eyes that meant he was about to give him shit for something, the slightest amusement tugging at his lips. “You said something about liking being choked?”

Eddie’s face turned bright red as he grabbed a candy bar from the checkout counter and didn’t hesitate to chuck it Straight at Steve. “Ah– Hey!” Steve startled into a laugh as the candy hit him with a dull ’smack.’ “I’m just making conversation!”

Eddie shook his head as he buried himself in returns, but was unsuccessful in biting back his smile.

+++

Sure enough, when Eddie tried to pull into the trailer park, he saw the square frames of Callahan sitting in a parked police car. As much as this would cause trouble for Eddie’s second form of income, he agreed with Steve. Better safe than sorry.

Wayne got home earlier than usual that evening, though still around midnight. “Hey kid,” he said hoarsely, hanging up his keys and jacket before slipping off his work boots. “See they got a cop parked out there?”

“Yeah, uh, about that,” Eddie said, looking down at where his hands were fiddling in his lap. He hated worrying his uncle more, but he was scared of what could happen if he wasn’t on guard. Jason knew who Wayne was even outside of the trailer park, and who knew how thirsty for revenge he was. “Remember Jason Carver? The boyfriend… ex-boyfriend of…Chrissy Cunningham?” It was hard for Eddie to even say her name out loud, the words clogging in his throat like molasses. It was hard for Wayne to hear it as well, as was evident by the harrowed look that crossed his face the few times it was spoken on necessity, like now. Wayne nodded patiently, prompting Eddie to continue.

“Well, they keep comin’ around me looking for trouble–” Eddie was cut off by Wayne.

“Again?” He asked in frustration that was not caused by Eddie, rather clearly the loss of control either of them had over the situation. “How many people have to say you’re innocent before that silver-spoon jackass finds something else to beat his boredom?”

“I dunno, Uncle Wayne,” Eddie said with a shake of his head, staring at a spot on the floor but feeling lightyears away. “He and his friends tried something today, and thankfully Steve was there, but…” Eddie looked up at his uncle with earnest eyes, trying his hardest not to show how scared he was. “I want you to keep an eye out. Be careful. Maybe try to get a handgun to carry on you.”

“Already got one, don’t you worry about that, son,” Wayne scoffed. “If that waste of sperm comes around me it’ll be the last thing he does, I’ll tell you that.” Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle a little at this, Wayne joining in a bit as well. The somber atmosphere around them dissipated ever so slightly, and Eddie felt the weight on his chest lessen.

“You said they tried somethin’ today… you okay, Eddie?” His gruff voice and closed off demeanor might scare most people off, but Eddie knew there wasn’t a man who cared for his loved ones more than his uncle. “And don’t go lyin’ to me. I won’t leave ya alone until I hear the truth. And trust me, I’ll know,” he said this pointedly, and Eddie knew what he was very covertly referencing.

Technically, Wayne didn’t know any specifics on how Chrissy died, or why everything that happened after happened. All he knew from day one was that his nephew was innocent, and when Eddie had said there was an explanation to everything, but that he just couldn’t tell him, Wayne had taken his word. But Eddie could always tell Wayne knew there was more to the story in ways that he couldn’t rightly understand with his current knowledge of the world.

“Yeah, I’m okay Uncle Wayne. Really,” Eddie said, and it wasn’t really a lie.

Wayne fixed him with a scrutinizing look, but eventually gave way to a nod. “Well, uh, good,” he took a few steps so he could ruffle Eddie’s hair lightly, before looking down at him on the couch. Eddie could see the question brewing behind Wayne’s eyes; he always could. “So, you said this… Steve fellow helped you?”

Eddie smiled a bit. “Yeah, we work together. He’s…” Eddie debated for a moment before saying, “My friend, actually.”

“Well… I’m glad to hear you’re makin’ friends,” Wayne said. The man didn’t necessarily shy away from sharing affection, always making sure Eddie knew he was cared for and could trust him with anything. However, every time he did it was with this air of awkwardness, like he didn’t know what to do with himself while saying it.

“Me too,” Eddie said with another smile, before scratching his head. “Actually, uh. You know Vickie?”

“That’s uh… Robin’s girlfriend, right?” Wayne asked, clearly trying to recall. Eddie raised his eyebrows, because he had certainly never told Wayne that Robin was a lesbian.

“How do you know that?” He asked, a little baffled.

Wayne shrugged. “Robin told me herself one time while she was waitin’ for you to get back from work.” Eddie scoffed at this information, taken aback. “What? I didn’t care when you told me about likin’ fellas, why would I care what she does?”

Eddie laughed at this. “No, yeah, I didn’t think that. Just didn’t know you were so close with my friends,” he smiled up at his uncle, who seemed to find Eddie’s reaction amusing.

“Well I only know the one,” Wayne informed, and Eddie couldn’t help but feel that was the slightest burn.

“Anyway,” Eddie continued. “Steve’s actually throwing her a surprise party at his house,” Eddie smirked before saying “He’s rich and has a pool,” Wayne raised his eyebrows at this, whistling. “Yeah, I know. But… I know you get worried when I’m out late, so he offered to let me stay the night. And he said you can call his place when you get off work. Ya know, check in with me.”

Wayne seemed to consider Eddie’s words with a thoughtful sigh. “I mean… I’ve never stopped you from goin’ out before. Why the sudden need of permission?”

“I just…” Eddie trailed off, looking back to that spot on the floor. “I don’t like you losing sleep over me. Figured this way you wouldn’t.”

“Edward Munson I don’t want you ever for a damned second worryin’ about me, worryin’ about you,” Wayne immediately delved into that reprimansive tone, but it was born out of softness and not scolding. “But, uh… thank you. For being considerate. Lord knows where you got that trait from because it certainly wasn’t either of your parents, I’m sorry to say. But I’m glad you have it. Maybe more of it than I’ve seen in anyone.”

Sometimes Wayne rambled aloud like he was talking more to himself than Eddie, but it gave Eddie a lot of insight into his uncle’s mind. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear something like that until that moment, and he felt his throat tighten up just a tad.

“Anyhow,” Wayne shook his head with a dismissive wave. “Sounds as good a plan as any.” Eddie could see that question bubbling behind his eyes, this one taking a particularly long time to be voiced. Wayne sniffed awkwardly as he put his hands on his hips, looking down at Eddie. “Uh, this Steve guy…” He raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “He just a friend? Or do I gotta jog your memory on the importance of safety–”

Eddie let out a choked, embarrassed laugh as his face turned bright red. “Nope– no. Definitely… don’t need to do that. He’s just a friend. Straight as they come, trust me,” Eddie assured.

Wayne cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Good. Just, eh… makin’ sure.” Wayne gave an awkward thumbs up to the air before turning. “Alright, goodnight kid.” He gave Eddie a pat on the shoulder before making his way to his room.

“Night, Uncle Wayne,” Eddie replied, getting up and moving to his own room for the night.

Once the door was shut behind him, Eddie quickly unbuttoned his vest, which he’d fastened all the way to the top and popped his collar. He shrugged off his jacket and vest, which had been pretty uncomfortable in the warmth of the trailer, but it was necessary. He didn’t need Wayne worrying more than needed. He pulled back his hair, and wasn’t surprised with the sight.

On either side of his neck were dark, red and purpling marks, where Jason had strangled Eddie. As his fingers gently prodded the sore spots, a mixture of emotions toiled inside him. Fear, anger, and helplessness, but most consumingly: the overwhelming notion that he was, and always would be, a liability.