Chapter 13

The sun has already gone down, melting into the waves of the ocean, painting the distance orange and light pink. It was a beautiful sight that I could stare at for hours even.

I couldn't explain it but the sight of nature always relaxed me in ways I couldn't even explain.

I left the girls behind because Leigh has gotten a call from her mother – which according to her would be hours long – and Emilia stayed with her to get ready and change.

I, on the other hand, didn't feel the need to try to look good. There was nobody here that I wanted to impress with makeup and perfectly done hair.

As we walked in the sand, I took my shoes off to enjoy the sand with my bare feet. Austin and Casen ran into the water to play a match while I kept walking under the colorful sky.

Seeley looked more relaxed now than he had been before we went to the cinema which was a huge relief to me.

But I hadn't expected him to stick with me and keep me company while our friends were trying to hit each other with their volleyball.

"It's beautiful," I said glancing up to the sky and Seeley raised his head.

"I've seen better," he said and I gasped silently.

He tried to bite his smile back as I pushed his arm playfully. I was glad that we could be on somewhat good terms but I didn't want it to end.

I wanted more time being surrounded by laughter and honest smiles. It's been too long since I'd experienced that.

"This is what I always tell Austin when he shows me his paintings," I admitted almost shamefully and his eyes landed on me.

"No..." he said in disbelief, amusement shining in his green eyes.

I bit into my lower lip and nodded several times.

"I'm horrible, I know," I grinned and Seeley let out a cloudless laugh, his head thrown back.

"You really are," he continued to laugh and I shrugged.

"I can't treat him like a baby," I defended my point. "He is an adult, he's going to deal with criticism."

"A very raw criticism," he gave me a knowing look and I closed my mouth. "Maybe be a little less harsh with him, would you?"

"You are the one talking." I lowered my tone and looked away from him to look casual. I didn't want him to know how much I didn't like seeing him being this collapsed.

Seeley stopped walking and sunk his hands into his pockets.

"What does that mean?" he asked and waited for me to stop walking.

I sighed and clenched my hands onto my heart, my back facing him while a storm of thoughts and worries overran my head. Suddenly, I started to worry about what his reaction would be if I confronted him about his worrying behavior.

When I turned back to him, he was standing a few feet away from me, not moving an inch as the wind ruffled the back of his hair.

I took a step closer to him as the only things that could be heard around us were the waves and the wind.

"I just..." I put a strand of hair behind my ear, hoping that he didn't notice my fretfulness.

Seeley didn't even interrupt me which was almost deadly to my ears. He just stood there and waited for my response without any remorse or forethought.

"I noticed that you changed," I admitted, not daring to breathe in his presence. I didn't want to mention the girls because I didn't know how he would react.

"People change, Heds," was his answer.

I almost groaned at his avoidable answer but I decided to stay firm and stoic. This was the only time I didn't need to worry about our friends hearing or interrupting us.

Because let's admit, the latest thing was something that Casen would probably – definitely – would do.

"I know," I nodded and dropped my gaze to my bare feet.

Seeley exhaled deeply and stepped closer to me. I felt the urge to take two steps back in response but I found myself glued to my place.

"How did I change?" he asked with a head tilt. His voice was different this time, calm, balanced, and soft.

When I looked up, I noticed how close he has been standing to me and I found myself getting lost in his beautiful eyes.

I collected my thoughts and took a step back. When he saw me doing that, something flashed through his features but I couldn't see it perfectly.

"You've become distant and you lose your mind really fast which is concerning." I whispered, suddenly not finding my voice.

He gave me a questioning look but when he saw me not expanding my thoughts on that, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"I could say the same to you," he said and I blinked a few times to comprehend what I'd just heard.

"I don't think I did that much," I shook my head, taking another step back.

Seeley glanced down to the increased distance between us before licking his lips slowly.

"Hate to break it to you, but you really have, Heds." he gave me a determined but also sympathetic look.

I felt the color drain from my face. Of course, I've changed and of course, he has changed also, but I didn't think that my change was visible or concerning like his was.

From my point of view, I was still the old me only with a few differences such as impatient outbursts and higher expectations for myself.

At least I wasn't snapping at my friends for no reason, only because something has been bothering me. I could separate my problems from my social life which was something he seemed to fail at.

"How so?" I crossed my arms and raised my head to look higher and bigger which obviously wasn't working.

Seeley rubbed the side of his face and his look roamed over my body from head to foot.

The wait was killing me while he was taking his time to give me an answer.

"You are just as distant as I am." he said and I almost laughed at the irony he was trying to bring to me.

"I certainly don't think so." I shook my head. "I don't lash out at my friends for no goddamn reason."

He raised his eyebrows, something warning flashing in his eyes.

"It doesn't happen on a daily basis." he said casually and I glared at him.

"That's all you've got to say?" I asked and he nodded. "You were acting like a child earlier with Casen."

"I don't owe you anything regarding that," he lowered his tone, sending chills down my spine. "Especially not an explanation."

I sniffed and bit my tongue to stop myself from answering right away because I knew that I'd say something that would piss him off even more.

"I never asked an explanation." I clarified. "I just confronted you about everything that happened lately."

"So, what are you telling me?" he asked while furrowing his eyebrows. "That I'm not allowed to change?"

"Of course you are." I replied dryly. "But I would have been happier if you changed for the better and not the opposite."

It was true. I've already screwed things up months ago then why not make it worse?

Fine, it wasn't my intention to make things worse between us when we've had our better moments like in his car in the middle of a traffic jam or in the cinema before the movie started but I couldn't hold it inside of me anymore.

I had nothing to lose because things… our friendship would never be the same anymore, so why just stay in the back and nod like a good sheep?

That wasn't my intention to do. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but my fear of him losing himself for good was much bigger than that.

He clenched his jaw and leaned back a little to get a better look at me. For a moment I had a feeling that he would just walk away and not tell me anything in his defense but then he opened his mouth.

"You're saying this like you are a saint." his voice cut through me and I tried my best to stay calm.

"I never claimed that I was."

"Good, because neither have I," he said and turned away, his eyes focusing on the birds above us.

"Everybody misses the old Seeley." I blurted it out and his face softened a little.

When he turned back to me, all I could see in his eyes were war and pity.

"Well, he isn't here anymore, so either get used to it or just don't talk to me at all." He gave me the option and I felt myself take a sharp breath.

"I know that he is in there," I pointed at his chest. "I talked to him before we came here."

When he understood what moment I was talking about, he dropped his gaze to my hand and pointed in the direction of his heart.

Even if we weren't physically touching each other, it felt like he had handcuffed my hand to his heart.

"Don't tell me that you're jealous of Clara and you just want to have your moment," he said and my eyes widened.

"Excuse me?" I asked in an angry tone. "Me jealous?"

"Yes."

"I know better than swoon over someone who doesn't know better than respecting her boyfriend." I snapped, feeling the endless hunger for defense.

"It's not up to you what she is like with me."

"You're right." I nodded. "But it's up to me to be worried about you."

"Why the hell would you be worried for me?" He asked, his voice indignant.

"Because I've known you for years and I care for you whether you like it or not." I said and his face fell. "I don't want any of you to get hurt."

When I added the last sentence, he pressed his lips together and pinched the top of his nose. I knew that he was angry with me but I needed to talk some sense into him. I hated to see him like this.

"That won't end well," he said and I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

Seeley sighed and examined my face like he had never seen me before making me feel like I looked either crazy or ridiculous.

"You need to start to think of yourself." he clarified. "You've got to stop putting other people before you."

To be honest, I saw where he was coming from but I didn't know how to do that. I haven't had the best role model and knew the value of things and people, but not me.

"I can't do that," I whispered and dropped my gaze in an embarrassing way to avoid his determined gaze.

"You can if you believe in yourself." Seeley stepped closer. "You've already helped me a little, now it's time for you to think of yourself."

I slowly raised my head only to be faced with the less than five feet distance between us.

"Helped you? How?" I asked.

He scoffed and gave me a winning smile.

"You opened my eyes when we were on our way to here." he enlightened me and I felt something move inside my chest. "A part of me knew the downside of all the things that I've let Clara do to me, but hearing from you was another proof that despite her accuses… I might have been right all along."

I let myself smile, really smile, over what he had said to me. It was a real struggle to talk some sense into him and I couldn't be happier with my success.

If I stopped caring so much for broken people like him, maybe my life would be much easier. All I would need to do was endure my mother and do my things.

But my heart and brain have always felt the need to help whenever I could. Sometimes I loved that personality trait of mine and there were times when I straight down hated it or was ashamed of it.

I was a clinical mess that needed some work but I had no idea where should I even start.

"I've been thinking about your suggestion," he continued after he noticed my silence. "About the balance of my relationship and the things I am allowed or not allowed to do."

"You are a boyfriend, not a dog," I said. "You don't need to be allowed to do or say anything."

He gave me a half smile and inhaled deeply.

"Tell that to Clara."

"Oh, believe me when I say I would." I nodded with a determined look on my face. "She needs to learn a lesson if she doesn't know how to communicate. Give her a taste of her own medicine this time, would you?"

He laughed at my irritation as I shook my head in disbelief and tried to fix my hair. Where was Perkyn with his lent hair gums when I needed him the most?

"I was thinking about that actually." he kicked the sand with his feet and I clapped my hands together.

"Finally." I said. "Let me know if she noticed her manipulative behavior."

To my biggest surprise, Seeley wasn't even trying to defend his girlfriend which made me worry a little more. How bad she could be if even Seeley Drewitt didn't know how to stand up for her?

He really might have been in trouble with Clara.

"I wanted to ask you to help me."

My face softened and I nodded almost right away.

"Anything."

Seeley rubbed the back of his neck while he got lost in his thoughts. For a second I got scared that there might be real trouble if he didn't find the right words to express himself.

"I was thinking that I'd do the same as her."

"You mean getting laid?" I asked. "Go ahead."

Seeley laughed lightly at my honest and raw answer.

"I was hoping that you could help me out with that one."

The words got caught up in my throat as my eyes slowly widened. Did I hear him right?

"What?" I asked after a short pause.

"I don't tend to sleep with complete strangers, that's not me," he waved his hands around.

"And?"

"We are both pressured and stressed, so it would be great to get rid of all the tension, wouldn't it?"

It was appealing, really, that he has thought of me as his intimate partner but I felt more conflicted than ever because I have never expected him to say something like this.

"I mean… yes… but…"

"It would just be a summer fling, nothing serious, you know that." he tried to reassure me and I kept nodding even after my ears seemed to stop moving.

How did we get from an honest confrontation to being each other sex partners?

Not that it wasn't great that he had thought of me, because it was but it came out of nowhere, so I had no idea how to think of that.

No feelings attached?

Sleeping with my friend who happens to be really handsome and also muscular?

Getting back at his girlfriend for pressing him to be in an open relationship which he probably has never wanted?

I felt my cheeks burn as an endless circle of questions started to siege my brain.

The pros and cos started to have a war with each other while my thoughts kept racing.

What would I say to our friends?

"What about the others?" I asked after the thought had crossed my mind.

Seeley looked at Austin and Casen who were giving all their attention to each other while still playing their intense match.

"No one needs to know," he shrugged.

"So, you're telling me that it would be like a secret affair?"

"Basically yes."

"That's one way to put it," I said simply.

Seeley shrugged and gave me a wary look.

"It's nothing serious, you know." he kept trying.

"I know but it's kind of a big deal." I put my hands up.

"You're the one who suggsested it," he pointed out and my ears turned red.

"I might have but I didn't mean that with me." I pointed to my chest. Could I really carry the weight of this?

"I don't want to touch strangers," he said in an outraged way.

I understood that he has kept his distance from strangers but couldn't he find someone else for this?

Not that I wouldn't agree or understand that friends with benefits definitely had its perks but things were already awkward between us.

But maybe this would help lossen things up between us a little.

But this could end up in a really ugly way.

You probably wouldn't talk to him after this summer anyway, why not take the chance to have some fun like you had precontrived?

My subconcious could be more than annoying but also reasoning from time to time.

"What about Leigh?" I asked. "Or Em? I'm pretty sure she knows her ways around the sheets."

Seeley scoffed as if he didn't understand why I'd ask such questions.

"I like them, they are great but I don't think I'd be able to do that with them."

"But you could with me?" I asked and his voice quietened.

Honestly, I didn't know what to expect from him. When I had suggested that he should do the same thing as Clara, it didn't even cross my mind that he'd think of me.

It was both flattering and terrifying.

"Definitely," he said and I bit back a gasp. His answer was short, simple and the most determined I've ever heard him.

If I wanted to get close to him again, to gain his trust again was most likely this way. He offered me something that would tie us together in an other way.

Even if in the end he'd just get a cold feet and walk away from me, I'd at least have a summer fun. With a handsome friend of mine.

Why would I reject that offer again?

My heart screamed no because it didn't want to complicate things even more than they already were. But my brain said yes because at least I'd have something exciting going on behind everything.

We wouldn't need to explain or ask, all we needed to do was giving the other what they needed. Distracton. Satisfaction. Enjoyment. And sore muscles.

"This silence doesn't mean good," he commented with a tremulous look on his face.

I didn't want to believe that he'd be attracted to me like that. And it felt really great to have him accept the fact that he'd rather jump into bed with me than Leigh or Emilia. I didn't know why but for some reason it calmed my nerves.

"I'm thinking," I said, my voice small and still unsure.

"You sure as hell are an overthinker," he said with a forced smile. He seemed nervous about my possible answer which made me feel pity for him a little. Just a little.

I looked down at him fidgeting with his fingers while he didn't dare saying another word.

"I need time." I blurted it out and a questioning look took over his face.

"Time for what?"

"To think about this." I waved my hand around between us, my voice was almost trembling.

Seeley looked both confused and wondering. It was a beautiful sight to see and I hated to admit but it felt great to play with him a little.

Even if my answer was yes, there was no way I'd give in that fast. He had to learn and know that I've had my worth and value. Sort of.

"What do you need to think about?" He asked almost impatiently but his voice was still quiet. "Just sey yes."

"I have to think about it." I repeated myself slowly and walked away as his unsatisfaction slowly washed over his features.

Holy cow, did I really just give him a hint what I'd do? Did I really mean that I might say yes and be his distraction for the summer?

If we kept our distance and only made physical connection then maybe there would be a chance to avoid all the drama that could come with this.

I didn't want to admit but I liked having power over him. And who would I be to turn down the offer to give him what he needed?

And also I'd be delighted to teach Clara a lesson for being a gaslighting girlfriend she has been. And it was even better that I could be the other partner who'd give the attention to her man that he has needed.

If she couldn't appreciate her boyfriend then I could. And it was also time to show her what does it feel to be the doormat in a relationship.