Chapter 46

It was around midnight when I heard someone opening the frontdoor and almost slamming it in frustration.

After Leigh and the others had got home, we were watching movies when I told them the big news about Clara's sudden show up.

"Not her, please." Austin had rolled her eyes.

"But we were having such a great time." Casen whined and hugged a pillow.

"I didn't know what was absent of my life until now." Emilia glared at the ceiling.

Leigh looked disappointed than frustrated.

"I don't know why am I surpirsed." She had murmured before walking to the kitchen to keep herself busy.

We had barely paid any attention to the movie whatsoever. We all were too mad that out of all people that could have joined us for the rest few weeks of our summer, it was Clara who showed up.

I kept thinking about Seeley and the way his expression darkened when Clara was around. Now that I told him that I had faith in him, he might have the power to stand up for himself and break up with her.

Even if things won't work out between us, I was hoping that he'd get rid of her for good.

I talked with Leigh and listened to her talking about her fears and insecurities. She didn't know when she'd tell Seeley that she had feelings for him.

I felt like shit while listening to her, trying to give her advice while I was aware of that Seeley didn't look at her like that.

They barely had become real friends now that Leigh had let go of her judgemental side and to be fair, it was out of the blue that she has had a crush on him.

Not that I couldn't blame her because Seeley looked really handsome but looking back at her previous relationships, I would have thought that she'd give herself more time to get to know the person that she'd become very fond of.

I should have told her. It wasn't my place to feed her illusions and encourage her hope.

But since I had no idea if Seeley and I would ever become a couple, I kept backing out. I was a coward, I knew but it still didn't erase my fair that I'd lose my friendship with Leigh.

We have been so much together for me to just break everything down.

That was one of the main reasons I couldn't sleep.

The other was that I kept wondering whenever I checked the time on my phone – and that if Seeley had texted me – about his whereabouts.

Knowing now the darkside and also real side of his relationship with Clara, I was worried sick that if he could talk to her then she might have done something with her.

I was sure if she'd layed a finger on him, I'd go after her and make her regret the day she was even born.

After hearing someone walking in the house, my eyes opened right away and I satu p before even noticing what my body was doing.

I hoped it was him then I reminded myself that it only could be him.

Unless Clara had gotten his keys and came her to avenge her hurt feelings by beating me up. Okay, that was a little dramatic but I could never be sure with Clara.

I slipped out of my bed and rubbed my arms when I realized how cold it was while the stars stared back at me through the window. Of course it was open, Leigh always left it open because she could never sleep when the window was closed in her room.

I walked out on my tiptoes, wearing nothing but my shorts and a black shirt that almost covered half of my thighs. I loved wearing oversized shirts even at home because they always made me feel free and independent.

I rubbed my eyes as I walked into the living room only to find it empty. When I felt the cold air reaching out for me like a hand, I turned to the glass door that was open.

That was when I noticed Seeley, sitting on the stairs of the terrace, his back facing me. Some of the lights that were still up were on, lightning softly the quiet garden.

I felt like I was walking on fire when I made my way over to him, crossing my arms across my chest to protect myself from the chilly air.

When Seeley heard my footsteps approaching him, he turned his head to the side but he didn't look at me.

"Hi, you've been gone for a while." I tried to break his tension that could be felt from miles away.

He nodded and leaned his elbows on his knees, staring at the lights.

My hand moved up to the dreamcatcher necklace he had given me and I swallowed my nerves. Something had happened, and I was afraid to ask it.

But I had to know. Because I was also part of this game of his.

I dropped my gaze and moved my toes against the wooden floor.

"What happened?" I asked softly.

He sighed and cleared his throat.

"I told her everything," his voice was flat that only made me more nervous. "I told her that I've been sleeping with you because despite her not respecting me all the time, she was always honest about her affairs."

My shoulders tensed and my stomach turned to the size of a golf ball. I wanted to urge him to tell me how it went and what was her reaction but looking at his numb expression, I chose not to push his buttons.

"She already didn't like the fact that I was under the same roof as you." He continued, looking at his hands. "That was when I told her."

"And?" I asked carefully.

He scoffed.

"And? You know her." He answered coldly. "She wasn't happy about it."

Considering the fact that I was the person she hated the most on this earth, it wasn't a surprising thing to the slightest.

I was just afraid that she has done something to Seeley to take revenge. Because that was what people like her has always done. If their feelings or ego got hurt they wanted to hurt you twice as bad.

Because they couldn't stand being the only one hurting.

When he remained silent, I furrowed my eyebrows because he still wouldn't turn to face me or look me in the eyes. I walked down the stairs and stopped in front of him and my eyes widened when he looked up at me.

The other side of his face that wasn't injured by the encounter he has had yesterday with his father, was just as bad now. There was a dark purple, almost black line under his right eye, the top of his nose was bloodshot. There were a few fresh bruises on his cheek, neck and arms. The more I looked at his arms, the more scratches I noticed.

My chest tightened at the sight of his bruised face and his defeated expression.

"What happened?" I asked, trying to reach out but he gently pushed my hand away.

"She gave answer to my confession." He shrugged and let out a void chuckle. "Just not verbally. She could always communicate better with her fists and kickes."

It was hard to breathe while I was standing there, just as guilty as he was, and looking at his fresh injuries that would take a while to heal.

I should have known that it would end like this after Clara didn't even bother asking Seeley about the scar on his left cheek, the one that Oswald gave him when he slammed a framed picture against his head.

"Why didn't you do anything?" I asked and his eyes landed on me.

He seemed like he was in disbelief when his eyes studied me like I was some kind of experiment.

"I might be aggressive and hot-temperatured at times, Heds, but I'll never lay a finger on a woman." He said with narrowed eyes. "Believe it or not but after all the fucked up things Clara has done to me, I still respect women."

Some of them didn't deserve any respect.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Ever since he admitted his love for me, life seemed to fall apart and I didn't want to hang on the edge of the cliff.

"You can't go back to her. You can't be with someone who is abusive. No one deserves that, especially you." I said in a determined tone.

When he turned away, I could see doubts darkening his bruised face.

"As if you care." He murmured.

"Believe it or not, I still remember when we were friends. When we were partners in crime and ruined every teacher's day just because they suddenly put a test in front of us without any warning." I reminded him, trying to bring up the best memories I could.

I was losing his patience and tendency, I could see it. I tried to keep myself together while all I wanted to do was collapse on the floor.

Everything was falling apart. I was falling apart.

"How fucking generous of you. And what should I do, huh? Chase you instead like a lost puppy? After all the shit you put me through?" He snapped and hugged my torso.

I was afraid that something like this would happen. Now that Clara has beaten her reaction into him, I was also the enemy.

I couldn't blame him for feeling that way. After a woman just abused you, you had every right to not want to talk to another right after. He needed time to process everything that he has just been through.

But when could I talk to him if not now? I could barely catch him alone because someone was always around.

"No… that's not what I meant…"

"My girlfriend is abusive toward me and the most special person in my life is playing with my head so much that I just finally lost control. Congratulations, Heddy, you win once again." His voice was cold as ice and his words made me shiver.

"That's not what I intended to do."

"I'm sick of your fucking games. I really am." He rubbed his forehead and I bit my lip.

"I'm not playing with you. Not anymore, Seeley." I stepped closer to him and crouched then put my hands on his knees.

He seemed even more lost now that I was this close to him. And knowing that I was also the reason behind him feeling unworthy made me physically sick.

"I was a fool for believing anything you said." He glared at me with empty eyes. "I should have known that you were just making fun of me once again."

I hated and despised Clara for making him lose his belief in me. Whenever she came between us, all she did was putting me in a bad light.

I didn't know what Clara had told him but she could really get into his head if he was this confused and full of deny now when a few hours ago he was happy that I'd have faith in me. In us.

"I believe in you and I want you to know that you deserve so much better." I pleaded, trying to break through his unbreakable walls.

"I'm tired, Heddy. So much." His face twisted in pain which was both physical and emotional.

I sniffed and leaned closer to take his face carefully into my hands. I waited until his eyes found me.

His mind was chaotic just like his actions were. And unfortunately he was the only one who could make a change about that but I could try help him make that step.

I didn't believe Leigh or Emilia either when they told me that Kalen wasn't good news to me. And I wasted my time and mental health by trying to prove them wrong because I wanted him to be the love of my life.

I'd be damned if I'd let Seeley do the same mistake.

"I know it's hard to leave someone who is part of your life and you spend a lot time together but believe me when I tell you that you weren't born to be someone else's emotional punchbag."

It seemed like he wanted to believe me but his doubts clouded his brain and eyes again as he shook his head.

"No, that's different." He tried to defend himself.

"It isn't." I said softly. "I'd spent so much time trying to be someone that I wasn't for Kalen. And I lost part of myself in the process. Don't make the same mistake that I'd done because it will haunt you until the end of your life."

His eyes softened before taking my wrists into his hands and bringing them away from his face.

I was about to fight him pushing me away then he stood up and pulled me up with him, not letting me go.

"If you love me then please believe me, Seeley." I pleaded in a shaky tone. "I want the best for you. And Clara won't give you that."

Seeley sighed and licked his lips, his face twisting in pain from the movement.

"If I'll break up with Clara, will you be with me?" He asked, his eyes full of emotiones I couldn't comprehend at first.

I saw love, fear and pain in his beautiful eyes and I would have done anything to stop him from hurting.

If I could stop his pain then I gladly would do it. He's suffered enough and he deserved to find the light in his life again.

"Seeley…" I wasn't sure about my answer. I still couldn't fully believe that he could change and let his demons drown while looking forward.

If he had the same kind of doubts that Kalen has had after I broke up with him, then I had doubts in his change.

It was never easy to change but could he really change for me?

Could he be a genuinly good person with no remorse and shadows? He couldn't leave his past behind, it had too much of an impact on him.

I hoped and kept hoping that he was different than Kalen but I was afraid to fully trust him.

I couldn't give my whole heart to him when I could see glimpses of Kalen in Seeley.

"Would you be the light of my life until the end of it?" He asked seriously and my throat tightened.

I didn't have an answer for that.

"I'm not sure I could do it, Seeley." I admitted with a racing heart. "I can't make that kind of decision before I'm not sure that you could change."

I was afraid if I'd say yes to him right now, he'd drag me down with him and no matter who he would be with me, I wouldn't be strong enough to leave him for my own good.

It almost killed me when I left Kalen and I wasn't sure if I could do it again.

"Why not?" He asked, his voice full of sadness. "If I'd know that I could get you then I'd do it. I'd change in a heartbeat."

I shook my hea din denial and heartbreak as I stepped away from him.

"You shouldn't change for me. You should change for yourself." I said dryly. "You said you'd break up with her if that would mean I'd be with you."

He nodded.

"Yes, that's what I'm talking about."

I pressed my lips together while my thoughts were chasing each other.

"You wouldn't even consider leaving her because of yourself?" I asked silently. "You'd torture yourself for God knows long because I wouldn't be there in the end waiting for you?"

He spread his arm, confusion clear on his face.

"What's the point then?"

"Yourself, Seeley." I said and put my hand over his heart. "You should leave her because this relationship is not doing anything good for you. You shouldn't only consider respecting yourself because you love me."

He looked genuinely baffled by my pleading. I wanted him to see that he didn't need anyone for a change or to step away from someone.

But after being alone for so long, I understood why was he hesitating unless he knew things for sure.

But that was one of the best things about life. Knowing that you couldn't see everything that might happen to you.

"I don't think that's going to work." He shook his head.

"You have to believe in yourself too." I kept trying. "I shouldn't be the only person to care about you. Don't be the person who always stays low for others."

He stepped away from me and dragged his hand down his face. He looked like he has seen a ghost as he was thinking about my words.

"Sometimes loving someone is not enough." I said while his back was facing me. "You have to give yourself time. Don't jump from a relationship to another."

He sighed while his eyes were scanning the black sky. As if he was waiting for an answer or help from the stars.

"I just don't know what will happen if you don't believe in me." He said quietly. "The only person that I love in this world and even you have your doubts about me. That tells you something."

I tried to argue and reason with him but in his aspect he got it right. I just felt more responsible for him now knowing that he was in love with me for so long.

"I'm not saying that it's impossible but the reason behind your change should be yourself only and not me." I added.

When his eyes found me again, they were full of sadness. I hated to be the person to bring him down to face reality.

What would happen if I'd always stand at the end of the road waiting for him? That could take ages maybe even decades and I didn't want to waste any of my time on someone else just for the ifs.

Yes, I told him I wouldn't leave him but time was something meaningful that no one could gave you back. I only now realized that.

And if he'd need a lot of time then I was allowed to move on.

"I want to change." He said hesitantly. "I just don't know how."

After spending years in the dark, it was not easy to step out to the light and change for the better. It was hard but it wasn't impossible.

"First of all, try to control your anger. The thing you did last night could cost you years in prison if you don't hold yourself back." I suggested. "And then you can focus on your inspect to control other people's lives and let others in."

"I don't want to let anyone else in, just you." He said with a defeated expression.

Pain stabbed through my heart by looking at his honest eyes. How could he be so helpless but also insecure about himself at the same time?

"I don't want you to give up on me just yet." He said and leaned closer.

"I need to work on myself too, Seeley. You are not the only one who is far from perfect."

He cupped my face and grazed his thumb over my face in a smoothing manner. My body immediately calmed.

"You don't need to be, you already are for me." He said and kissed my forehead. "I love you, just don't forget that."

"What is going on?" Leigh asked and my blood turned cold.