CHAPTER FOUR

AMANDA DIDN'T FEEL LIKE TRYING.

She didn't feel like trying to look good when she woke up this morning. She didn't care how she would do her hair, or how much makeup she would put on, or even if she ate breakfast. But she did anyway. People would ask what's wrong, and it would just be better for her to not explain that she's hurting from losing someone who was never hers.

Amanda breathes in the cool air as she steps into the gymnasium after running her laps. She's not feeling okay, everything is going wrong. Her eyes have bags lining under them, evidence of a sleepless night. She decided to leave her hair in natural curls, and although she loves how long it is, she's been thinking about cutting her hair to her shoulders.

She bobs her head to the music pouring from her earbuds, fixing her beanie on her head before reaching down and grabbing a volleyball from the basket beside the coaches. She pads across the gym to a place to bump the ball without running into anyone else, and when she gets to the spot near the back doors, she starts bumping the ball softly between her wrists and letting it bounce off the wall in front of her. When her skin turns blotchy pink, she switches to setting the ball.  

Right when she gets into a rhythm, she accidentally hits it too hard and it flies past her before settling on the ground and rolling away. She sighs as she chases after it, but before she can grab it, she sees it hit a guy on the back of his heel and he turns from his spot at the four square game. 

The guy bends down to grab it before straightening up and meeting Amanda's eyes. It's Simon, she thinks as she takes out an earbud. His hair is a little messy and it's in his eyes a bit. She smiles up at him, "Hey Simon, thanks for getting the ball." She says, and he tosses it to her.

Simon is grinning at her, "No problem. Hey, do you wanna play four square with us?" he asks hopeful, gesturing to the other players. 

She feels her cheeks flush, "Ah, no, I'm not all that good." She says, chuckling.

He laughs, "You don't have to be good. I mean," he turns and gestures to Chase, who looks completely in the zone while he dives for a ball but he fails miserably as he crashes to the floor. "you, um, don't have to very good." He turns back to her, "Come on, it'll be fun."

Amanda laughs, but still, she shakes her head, her curls falling shifting around her back, "I'm not all that good, really." She may play it off like she just doesn't want to because she's not very good, but in all honesty, she doesn't wanna embarrass herself in front of everyone.

He shrugs, "Alright, but if you wanna play then don't hesitate."

She nods her head, "I'll keep that in mind." She says, smiling softly, before turning and walking back to the wall and starting to bump it back and fourth. She slips her earbud back in. Part of her wants to walk back over to Simon and tell him that she will play with them, but the other part of her takes over her thoughts.

That's her mind. It wanders freely, and she has no control as to where it goes. When it decides to stop and think about something. She has to sit through it and endure it until her mind is tired of the thought. So, she sits through this as well.

She remembers someone saying something about how heartbreak is beautiful. All she can think of that is, how is this beautiful? It's not, none of this is beautiful. Heartbreak can't be beautiful. It's not some pretty words sprawled out on a paper that rhyme. It's not staying up till four A.M. listening to sad music. It's not poetry. It's not art. 

It's breaking down out of nowhere. It's confusion, it's anger, it's an overwhelming sadness all at the same time. And It's so painful. It hurts so much. It's sleepless nights where she can't breathe with all the weight. It's like a disease with no cure. The deeper she falls, the more agony she feels. She tries to let him go, she tries so hard; but he pulls her back and makes her feel, and then he treats her like she's nothing. 

He destroyed her when her only intention was to love him.

She's waited. She's been waiting for so fucking long; but he never came, no matter how much she wishes, no matter how hard she tries. He will not be there, he will never be there.  He took advantage of the way she felt about him. He used her feelings against her. He knew she would never leave. He knew that no matter what, she would never choose anyone over him, that she would always love him. He had promised her that he would always be there. He said he would never be this way. 

And then he changed so much that she doesn't even recognise him anymore.

He used to be the most kind, most incredible person she had ever met. His presence alone made her day, and she's sure he did that for others, too. It was the first time she made him smile. That was the point at which she felt totally and utterly safe with him. That's what they did - they connected on a much deeper level. She had never trusted anyone the way she trusted him. She showed him her soul, she gave him her heart. 

Until he changed. He changed her outlook on him within the snap of a finger. He changed how she felt when she heard his name. He changed her heart towards him. She doesn't understand how two people can grow apart when they once depended on one another. When they were there for each other. She remembers when her days didn't make sense without him. The way he changed makes her question others. People always told her that cheaters never change, and liars will always lie; but what they failed to mention is that someone you love, can turn away from you; they never warned her that amazing people will change; that kind people can become bitter.

And that's exactly what he did.

It's as if he took everything she gave him and said, "This is a girl who cares about me, a girl who trusts me, a girl who loves me. I'm gonna change her whole world right now; I'm gonna blow her mind; I'm gonna break her heart."

She wonders, was it hard for him? Was it hard to leave? To just walk away from everything they had built? Did one day he wake up and just decide that this isn't what he wanted? Did she do something that made him upset? She keeps trying to tell her heart that he's gone and that he isn't coming back. She spends moments out of her day needing him. She hears his name and it hurts. He makes her feel helpless. He makes he feel like she never mattered.

He could've been so much. He could've been the very reason why she breathes, the reason why she wakes up every morning, the reason why she smiles. But he had crushed her, he smashed her heart to pieces, and left her by herself in the cold to pick them up. And she swears, the way he did it was like he had it planned from the beginning. It's like when they met he said to himself, "This girl is amazing. I think I wanna splinter her view on love. I'm gonna destroy every relationship she has after me." And he did it perfectly, her next relationships were doomed before they even started.

The worst part is that it has made her question every relationship and every friendship after him. It makes her question everyone's motive. She won't trust, she can't trust. Every time she sees potential in someone, she thinks of him. She thinks of all the things she could have done to prevent what he did. Now anyone who tries to care about her, she pushes them away. He destroyed her soul and shattered her heart. 

Now she tries to spend everyday fixing what he broke.

Amanda sighs to herself. She wanted to be alone at first but the thing about being alone is that she tortures herself with her thoughts. Her eyes seem to look like glass, like windows. Tears form up in the corners and she blinks them away. 

She shakes her head and turns around, looking for Simon. He's still standing in the line to play four square still, at the far end. She takes a deep breath, bends down to roll the ball so that it will go to the coaches and before she takes a step, she - without even knowing - puts up her walls again. 

Then, she takes a deep breath and starts walking to him. When she stands beside him, she takes out an earbud and speaks in a soft voice, "I got kinda bored." She says, grinning. 

He looks down at her, surprise on his features. Then, he starts laughing a bit, "Well, I'm glad you came over here, you gonna play?" he asks. 

She shakes her head, "nah, prolly not. Ima just observe for now." She says. She feels a bit awkward since they only met a few days ago and doesn't know how he will react to her, but she tries to keep it to herself. She folds her arms over her chest as she watches the game.

"Oh come on, now that you're over here, you gotta play." He says, tilting his head slightly.

She laughs and shakes her head, "Maybe next time."

He smiles, "I'm holding you to that."

The weird thing about being around Simon, is that Amanda instantly feels calm. Her mind will not wander, her thoughts can't torture her, she just feels safe. And although she knows that she will never be able to open up to him, she knows that he is a kind person and she feels relaxed with him.

They sit in a comfortable silence as they watch the game, laughing when Chase does something stupid, commenting every once in awhile. By the time the bell rings, she feels slightly sad because she wants to keep talking to Simon. Amanda slips some deodorant on when she gets into the locker room, sighing when she rummages through her bag to once again, find that she forgot her other shirt this morning, and zipping it up instead. She takes her backpack by the strap and swinging it over her shoulders before walking out and making a trip to the gym doors. But then she sees Simon and Chase standing in the corner again so she decides to walk up to them instead.

"Hey guys." She says, feeling slightly confident.

They turn to her, "Hey Amanda, wanna sit with us at lunch?" Simon asks.

She goes quiet for a moment, thinking it over. She should stay away from Alex, she needs to, but at the same time she can't. She just wants to be around him, talk to him, be with him. Even if he loves someone else, she still just wants him. She parts her lips, "Um," she hesitates, before finally deciding, "yeah, sure." She says smiling. 

She can't do it again, she can't keep doing it again. She can't keep hurting herself in hopes he'll come back. He isn't going to come back. It's time to move on now. The thought stings her heart, but it's what she must do. She can't keep running back to something that is gone. 

Simon and Chase grin widely at her, "Awesome," Chase says, "let's go."

So, she fallows them to the cafeteria and as they walk past the break area, she catches a glimpse of Alexander through the window. And she sees him, laughing, smiling, happy. But he's with her, he's with the girl that he truly loves. At least she can be everything Amanda's love wasn't. At least he's happy, even without her. 

She made the right decision.