Chapter 30

It's seven o'clock in the morning and Lucifer is still stuck in this bedroom with Jo sleeping only feet from him. Why? Why can't Chuck just unlock the damn door already? This is ridiculous! He's been here for almost a whole twenty four hours. What more does Chuck want from him?

Jo starts whimpering in her sleep, her eyes squeezed shut as if bracing herself against something. Lucifer can feel the fear coming off her in waves, and he realizes immediately that she's having a nightmare. Should he wake her up? Actually, he's kind of enjoying this. He isn't too fond of this girl, and he'll take any chance to watch her suffer. Jo starts spazzing in her sleep, murmuring something impossible to understand, even with Lucifer's angelic hearing.

Now, Lucifer isn't going soft. No freaking way. He's Lucifer; he's the devil. Satan doesn't go soft. But as much as he hates the girl, he finds that he can't leave her like this. It's not him going soft though. He's still not a nice person. Of course not. It's not even really a moment of weakness. He just decides against letting her suffer like this. That's all. Of course. That's totally it.

Lucifer walks over to her, putting a hand on each arm and shaking her gently. She doesn't seem to notice, so he shakes her again, harder this time.

"Jo," he whispers. "Jo, wake up."

Jo bolts upright in bed, panting. Their heads collide, causing Jo to put a hand to hers as if it really hurt, which is ridiculous, because Lucifer could barely feel it. Oh, wait. He's an angel, and she's a human. Yeah, that had to hurt. Now the question is, does he heal it or not?

"What the hell was that for?" Jo demands, fifty shades of pissed off.

Yeah, he's not healing her.

"You were having a nightmare, I woke you up. It's your own damn fault you hit me," Lucifer snaps.

"hit ?" Jo repeats. "You were leaning over me! What the hell did you think was gonna happen?"

"I thought you'd be smart enough not to slam your face into me!" Lucifer retorts. "I mean, you're definitely not the brightest bulb in the box, but I didn't think you were stupid."

"You should've left me alone and we never would've had this problem in the first place!"

"Fine! Next time you're freaking out because of your own imagination, I'll just leave you alone to scream in your sleep. Better yet, how 'bout I help move the process along? Fuck up your mind so bad, you'll wake up with PTSD? You know, I like that idea. Enjoy your last day of sanity, sweetheart."

"Like I could enjoy anything with you breathing down my neck," Jo says sarcastically.

"Right back at ya," Lucifer replies. "Believe me, if I could've, I would've killed you a hundred times over by now, slowly and painfully."

"You're a fucking asshole," Jo snaps.

"Only to you," Lucifer replies, his voice so hostile, it's hard to register the false sweetness of the statement. "You're ."

"You too," Jo tells him. "I have never, in my entire life, wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill you."

"Trust me, feeling's mutual," Lucifer replies. "The only thing getting me through this vacation a la God is thinking of all the ways I'm going to torture you as soon as Dad lifts his mojo."

"I can't wait to see the boys throw you back in the cage where you belong," Jo spits.

"I'd take that over talking to you hairless ape any day."

"Better a hairless ape than a rejected angel," Jo replies vehemently. "'Least I still have a family and friends, unlike some social outcast I know."

"You mean those friends that left you to die?" Lucifer reminds her. "Oh, I'm so sad that I don't have that," he adds sarcastically. "Puh-lease. Face it; the only thing you're good for is bait."

"I'm clearly pretty good at baiting you," Jo replies with a smirk. "Then again, it doesn't seem to take much. You've got serious problems. Maybe that's why you can't keep a healthy relationship — or any relationship, really — to save your life."

"Yeah, you're one to talk. Daddy? Dead. Mommy? She died, too. Ash? Oh, look. Dead. The Winchesters? Dad knows they can't die. At least you've always got them, right? Except, oh wait, they left to die. Oops."

"At least they didn't want to. My dad and Ash, that was all an accident. Sam and Dean? I had to beg them to leave. My mom? She stayed with me until the end. At least they didn't turn on me. Like how Gabriel just left when Michael struck you down to hell. And Raphael? He certainly didn't do anything to stop it. And dear old Dad? Well, he's the one who ordered it. So, yes, please keep telling me about how unhealthy my relationships are, because yours are golden."

Jo barely has time to register the sudden red glow to Lucifer's eyes before Chuck appears between them, looking not exactly angry, or even disappointed in them for their inability to get along, but more annoyed.

"Guys, seriously, I asked you to do , just to get along, and you couldn't even do that?"

"I'm sure I could get along with anyone else in this entire building," Jo replies. "But no, you just had to stick me with asshole."

"I would rather sleep with Crowley than spend another minute with this chick," Lucifer adds.

"Use protection," Jo says mockingly. "Or actually, don't. You getting a demon STD would be the highlight of my stay here at the Hell Hotel."

"What kind of protection do you prefer? I'm sure you have lots of experience with it, seeing as you've been working as a sex toy for the last few years of your life."

"Enough!" Chuck yells before Jo can reply with a comeback of her own. Calming down, he continues, "I'm determined to make sure that, by the time you leave here, you will not hate each other."

Jo scoffs. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"Next, you should try to get a goldfish to ride a bicycle through a fire," Lucifer adds. "After getting us to get along, that'll be nothin' for you."

Chuck groans, exasperated. "Okay, let's try this. Give each other a compliment. Who wants to go first?"

"I will," Lucifer volunteers. He clears his throat for effect before continuing, "Jo, you're so hot, it almost makes me forget how much of an absolute fucking bitch you are."

"That's not what I —" Chuck begins, but Jo interrupts with a "compliment" of her own.

"Lucifer, you're such a good therapist. Looking at you makes me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I mean, it could be worse. I could be ."

"Oh my self, guys!" Chuck groans in frustration. "Look, I'm leaving you guys in here until you learn to get along."

"You hear that, Jo?" Lucifer says with childish excitement. "You're gonna die in here!"

"Hopefully sooner rather than later," Jo retorts. "I don't think I can spend another whole day with you."

Chuck throws his hands up in exasperation. "I quit! I'm out!"

With that, he disappears, leaving Jo and Lucifer alone again. Jo crosses her arms to show that she is not okay with this arrangement, to which Lucifer just rolls his eyes.

"Great pose," Lucifer says sarcastically. "Ten out of ten. You'd make a great model. Especially the hair. Really adds to the 'I'm a crazy drug addicted hobo' look."

"And those red eyes? Could really score you a spot in a horror movie. Only thing scarier than seeing your eyes in the dark is seeing you in the light."

Up in Heaven, Chuck facepalms. This might take a while.