Chapter 72

Lucifer's used to being alone. After so long in the cage, he's begun to think of anything else as strange. But Chuck's locked them all in the war room, and standing there, watching everybody chatting and just having a great time, he's actually starting to feel sort of lonely.

But when he really looks around, he can tell he's not the only one not enjoying himself. Of course, Jo and Michael are being all cute and gross, Adam and Samandriel are chatting; Ellen, Bobby, John and Mary are together; Charlie and Meg seem to be flirting; and Dean, Castiel, and Sam are all talking, but that's it.

Sam isn't really involved in their conversation, being an obvious third wheel who would probably excuse himself if he could do so politely. Then there's Gabriel. He's standing alone in the corner of the room, as far from Sam as he can be, which Lucifer finds interesting.

The two of them would obviously like someone to talk to, and Lucifer can't help but agree, but the three of them don't really seem to be compatible, even if they all did have some semblance of a friendship with each other at one time. That doesn't mean Lucifer can't try to make something work. If nothing else, maybe he can make an established fuck buddy out of Sam, seeing as Jo probably doesn't want to fill that position anymore. It's not quite the same, but it'll have to do.

But before he can at least attempt to accomplish that, he realizes something he probably should have noticed a while ago. In fact, most people probably had, and just assumed he wouldn't care. He's about to ask Gabriel, but thinks better if it. Gabriel doesn't really seem to be in the mood to socialize right now, and especially after that close call a few hours earlier, he doesn't want to give Gabriel any more reasons to think it was him who killed Kali and Jess. Gabriel was definitely suspicious, and he doesn't want to make it worse. So who...

Sam? Is that really the only person he can talk to right now? How did that even happen? Looking over at the hunter, he can clearly see that Sam feel unwanted, but the odds that he would rather talk to the devil than his brother and friend are slim.

But Sam looks around the room, presumably because he'd rather be doing just about anything at the moment, and meets Lucifer's gaze questioningly. Knowing it'd be weird to awkwardly look away, he decides to pretend it was intentional and gestures for Sam to come over there.

"" Sam mouths.

Lucifer rolls his eyes. Welp, that's enough of an answer. He shakes his head as a sign to forget it, waving a hand dismissively.

That seems to pique his interest, because Sam excuses himself from his conversation. Interested in how this will go over with a hunter and an angel, he uses his archangel hearing to tune into their conversation.

"Where are you going?" Dean asks. "Aren't we all stuck in here anyway?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm not leaving the room," Sam explains briefly.

"I don't think Gabriel wants to talk to anyone," Castiel tells him.

"I know, I'm... Never mind." Sam just walks away, and Dean and Castiel watch, confused as to what he's doing. The second he sees his brother walk up to Lucifer, Dean looks both lowkey offended and disapproving at the same time, while Castiel just looks confused.

"What?" Sam snaps.

"Hey, I told you you didn't have to come over here," Lucifer reminds him. "It's not my fault Dean's going to grill you on this later. You signed up for that one."

"Whatever. What do you want?" Sam asks. "Or did you just want someone to pick on?"

"Okay, first of all, if I was going to pick on anyone, it wouldn't be you. Believe it or not, you're not the first person I think of, friend or enemy. Second, even if I going to pick on you, I wouldn't have called you over. I would rather embarrass you, and god — err, Chuck — knows I've got some stuff to out you on if I wanted to."

"Do you have a point, or are you just talking to hear yourself speak?" Sam asks.

"That was going to be third, so really, you're just dragging this out longer than necessary," Lucifer tells him. "No, so I was just wondering, where the hell is everyone?"

Sam glances around as if he's expecting the room to be empty, other than the two of them. Finally, he says slowly, "They're right here?"

"Not everyone. We're missing the, uh..." He gestures vaguely to his mouth. "Vampire guy. Um..." He makes some type of circle over his head as he's trying to think of a name. "Angely... Castiel's friend. What's his name? Ah, whatever. Kevin's gone —"

"How do you know Kevin's name but you don't know your own brother's?" Sam asks.

"Because I'm an angel and he's a prophet," Lucifer replies, rolling his eyes. "Why is your problem with this? Did everyone else already notice this?"

"No, I don't think so," Sam answers. He looks around the room slowly. "Yeah, and we're missing Crowley, too. When did that happen?"

"I think the better question is how did I notice before you?" Lucifer replies. "They're friends. I couldn't care less about them."

"Yes, but unlike you, some of us actually have friends to talk to," Sam replies. "It's not my fault that you don't have anything else to do."

"Okay, first of all, that was a little rude."

"No dip, Sherlock," Sam replies, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, don't take the lord Sherlock Holmes' name in vain."

"I don't think you should be allowed to say his name, then."

"Ha ha," Lucifer deadpans, but there's a slight smile on his lips at that.

"Do you even know who Sherlock is?" Sam challenges, because he's very defensive of his fictional characters.

"I know Benedict Cucumberbatch's Sherlock."

"" Sam repeats incredulously.

"Yes, Cucumberbatch," Lucifer replies.

"I seriously hope that's a joke and you're not stupid."

"Yes, I really think his last name is Cucumberbatch," Lucifer says sarcastically.

"I wouldn't put it past you," Sam tells him.

Lucifer scoffs. "Wow, Sam. Just wow." After a moment of silence, Lucifer flicks his hand to dismiss him. "Alright, that was it. You can go." When Sam hesitates, he asks, "Was that not it?"

"Just... quick question," Sam says. "You know how a few years ago, before your possessed Cas, you..." He gestures vaguely to his head, trying to think of the right phrase to describe what he's thinking of.

"Screwed with your mind and played the 'God' card?" Lucifer substitutes.

"Yeah, pretty much. Did you ever do that before then?"

"What do you mean?" Lucifer asks. "Did I ever try to be my dad? Of course not."

"No, I mean, did you try to 'screw with my mind' after I got out of the cage?" he clarifies. "Was the you that kept messing with me really you?"

"No, but now I wanna know what I did," Lucifer says wth childish excitement. "Come on, gimme details!"

Sam rolls his eyes. "Yeah, okay, thanks. Bye."

He turns to walk away, but Lucifer grabs his arm to stop him. "Please?"

"Hey!" Dean yells, not caring that everyone is now looking at him. "He wants to go; let him."

Lucifer drops Sam's arm and holds his hands up, exaggerating the movement.

"Dean, it's fine," Sam assures him.

"'Fine' my ass," Dean replies. "He —"

"Isn't hurting me," Sam finishes. "Relax."

Dean eyes them skeptically for a moment, then gives a slight nod. "Fine, whatever." He turns back to Castiel, but it's clear he's still not happy about all this.

"Aw, Sammy, that was so nice!" Lucifer squeals, exaggerating his delight.

"Shut up," Sam snaps.

"You said shut up to me!"

Sam looks at him skeptically. "And you're you didn't weasel your way into my head at all before that 'God' thing?"

"I think I would know, yes," he replies. "Seriously though, what did fake me do? Was fake me even half as good at torture as real me is?"

"More like twice as good," Sam replies, partially because it's true but mostly to annoy him.

"What?" Lucifer says as if Sam just offended him horribly. He probably did, knowing him. "What are you talking about? No one's better at torture than me!"

"Well, apparently I am," Sam replies, then adds, "Or at least a product of my imagination is."

"Okay, you gotta tell me what fake me did," Lucifer insists. "Holding it over my head like this is just cold."

"Ooh, too bad I don't really care about you," Sam replies.

"I saved your ass last night," Lucifer reminds him.

"Well, no, you..." Sam trails off. He doesn't have a way to refute that. As much as he hates to think of it, Lucifer probably did save him; if not his life than from serious burns that Chuck probably would have overlooked if he decided to pull him out of the fire that swallowed Jess.

"Mm hmm," Lucifer says sassily. "So spill."

Sam sighs. "Fine, but then we're even, so don't pull that card again." He briefly explains season Hallucifer's attempt at convincing him everything around him was fake and that he was still back in the cage, leaving out how his frequent annoyances landed him in a mental hospital.

Lucifer nods thoughtfully. "That's actually a really good idea. Ya know what? If I get stuck in the cage with what's-his-face again, I'm definitely trying that out. Thanks, Sammy!"

Sam bitch faces him. "His name is Adam, and leave him alone." With that, he walks away, not wanting to get roped into another long conversation with him. It's not that he didn't enjoy that conversation — it wasn't the best conversations he's ever had, but it's better than just listening to Dean and Castiel — but because he knows Lucifer enough to know that staying away from him is his best option. Otherwise, he's sure he'll get stabbed in the back, literally and/or figuratively.