Tivon 24

TW// Suicide Ideation

The water was calm and cold. Tears were still running down his face, his body still shivering. Tivon didn't care. He couldn't care anymore. He looked down at his shaking hands, at the ring on his finger.

Tivon burst into tears as he sat down and hugged his knees to his chest.

"He promised." He quietly sobbed through the tears.

Elias promised he wouldn't forget him. When he gave him the ring, they promised each other.

And he forgot.

There was nothing left for Tivon. Elias was everything to him. A friend, a knight, a saviour, a lover. He was his world. Elias was everything.

Of course, Tivon had Rea, he had Ivan and Cornelis, but what was he without Elias. What was a prince without his knight? A prince was still a prince without a knight, but Tivon was no prince anymore. He was only a coward.

A burden.

He couldn't get back to the kingdom. He would only be a waste of space and time to everyone.

Tivon looked up to the water running into the open sea. Maybe if I just let the water take my breath one more time. He ran his hand on the surface of it. He already knew the feeling. The feeling of nothingness. He wanted to feel it again.

Tivon took a breath, ready to lean backwards into the cold embrace of the sea. Just as he was about to close his eyes, Elias walked to him and quietly sat beside him, not minding the water. Tivon wanted nothing more than to drown. He wanted to get away from him, to make him go away. He wanted to just run away from him.

Still, more than anything he wanted him near.

As they sat in the shallow water in silence, Tivon wanted to scream at him. To tell him to go away and to tell him to stay and hold him before he does something he will regret. He wanted Elias to say anything, even if to just tell him he doesn't know who he is.

But he stayed silent. Elias only stared forward with an expression Tivon couldn't read. Tivon glanced at him. His body was stiff, his fingers digging into his skin. Tivon looked down his scared arms. He loved his scars. He loved them for every story they held.

Tivon could try again, even though he had tried so many times. He would try again, even if it would be the last time.

Tivon looked down and quietly asked. "Do you know how you got those scars?"

Tivon saw him flinch, but he didn't say anything. He took a breath and spoke. "That one you've got when Gerold, one of your crew members, was teaching you how to use two swords at one. It was your first year on The Rose Sparrow. That one, was when you were fixing the ship's mast and fell."

Tivon moved closer and pointed at his left hand. Elias didn't move away. "This one you've got at the assembly on Ziddim. You hated that place." Tivon looked down at his knuckles. They were covered in fresh wounds. "You have these tiny ones from carving wood and the time you beat up P-Pit because he hurt me." Tivon's voice stuttered when he mentioned Pit. He pointed at a big scar on his left arm. "This one you've got when we were making an escape from The Jade Paradise."

Elias was focused on something in the water, but he was listening. Tivon paused, scared to continue.

"The once on your back," He swallowed. "those were Luana's making." He said quietly.

He noticed Elias' body tense at the mention of her name. His back stiffened, but he didn't tell Tivon to stop.

"And this one," Tivon pointed at his right side, under his rib. "I almost lost you."

Tivon didn't notice when he got so close to Elias. Tivon brushed a finger down the scar on Elias' jawline. "This scar was when you were at Bradfordshire and someone attacked Violet. You saved her, but they hurt you bad. It was the first time you met Violet. And that one-"

Tivon looked up. Elias was looking at him. Tivon quickly moved his hand away. When he tried to get away from him, Elias touched the scar across Tivon's chest. Tivon flinched at the warmth of his fingers. Elias brushed his fingers over the scar.

His voice was low. "How did you get this one?"

"When we were running from the royal army and Luana's army, they captured Rea. We were saving her but got betrayed." Tivon stuttered on his words and spoke them in a whisper. "I got stabbed and I died."

Elias' eyes were fixed on the scar. Then, suddenly, he looked up into Tivon's eyes, who were already tearing up. Elias stroked his thumb down Tivon scar that ran down his head and over his colourless eye, ever so gently.

"And this one?"

Tivon's voice was breaking. "It's a long story."

Elias leaned closer, cupping Tivon's cheek in his hand. "Tell me again."

"Elias?"

"T-Tivon."

Tivon broke. Tears ran down his cheeks. He never thought he would ever hear his name from his lips again. It was the first time in over a year that he called him by his name. Something shifted through Elias' eyes. He reached for Tivon and hugged him tightly and the only thing Tivon could do, was sob into his shoulder. Elias hugged him tighter.

"Tivon," he said through the tears. "What have I done?"

Tivon wrapped his arms around him, burying his head into his shoulder. He couldn't be dreaming now. Not after these few days. This needed to be real. Tivon looked up at him.

"Tell me this is r-real." He sobbed. "Please t-tell me you know w-who I am."

"It's real." Tears ran down his face. "I remember everything now."

Tivon smiled and reached up into his kiss. Elias held his face and pulled him closer. He was finally back. Finally, sitting before him was the real Elias.

When they parted, Elias held Tivon's face with both hands and leaned his forehead against his.

"Tivon, I-I… I'm so sorry." He swallowed hard. "I don't know- I-… I'm so sorry. For everything I've done and said."

Tivon wanted to say that it was okay and that he forgave him. Tivon could forgive him for everything he said to him. He somehow always knew that he couldn't be Elias. However, with everything he had done, with everyone he had killed and hurt, it would be hard to forgive.

"I know what I've done, and I understand if you'll never forgive me. I can't explain, but…" He struggled to find the right words.

Tivon took his hand. "I know it wasn't the real you. You couldn't just forget me even though you were right there, and you didn't seem to recognize me. You've hurt Cornelis, attacked the village. You've killed so many of Luana's boys. You haven't hurt me, but…"

Tears started running down his face again. Elias wiped them away.

"I'm so sorry." He pressed him against his chest, stroking him down the back. "I really don't know what happened. I-I wasn't there, but somehow, I remember everything. It felt like a curse."

"I thought I'll never get you back." Said Tivon faintly.

"I'll never leave you Tivon." He kissed him on the head. "I promise, I'll never allow myself for this to happen again. And this time I won't break that promise."

Tivon nodded. The exhaustion from the past few days had hit him. He could barely talk, yet he still wanted to say so much. Tivon desperately wanted to apologize.

"Sorry for yelling at you earlier."

Elias let out a laugh. "I should be the one apologizing, I did so many things worse than that to you."

"I still wanted to say it. It felt wrong shouting at you."

"I'm sorry too." He said softly.

They stayed there for a moment in each other's embrace. Elias was stroking Tivon's back looking up at the moon. Tivon closed his eyes. He finally felt safe.

"You're cold Tivon."

He looked up at him. Elias looked so beautiful in the moonlight. "You're shivering too."

"I'm fine." He smiled. Elias picked Tivon up in his arms, stood up and headed back to the abandoned house. "You need some rest. I know you haven't slept in the last few days, and I know for a fact you haven't slept well in the last year."

"I was worried."

"I know." He gently kissed him on the forehead, as Tivon's eyes closed. "I know."

Tivon still feared that when he woke up Elias would be gone or that everything that happened was just the plot of his imagination. He was relieved to see Elias sitting beside him, carving up a piece of wood, black ring back on his hand. Tivon reached his hand to touch him. He let out a breath when he felt warm solid skin. Elias wrapped a hand around him and pulled him closer.

"I'm real. You're not dreaming."

Tivon hugged him back. "How did you recognize me?"

Elias sighed. "Do you remember the night when we were at Rea's?"

"Yeah?"

"When you saw Alieana in me?"

Tivon nodded. Why was he bringing that up? It made him uncomfortable thinking about her, especially because he still didn't know why he saw her. And why she felt so real.

"You were terrified." Said Elias. "That look in your eyes you had, I had never seen you that frightened before. I promised myself I would never let anyone make you that frightened again." Elias hugged him tighter. "And I had broken that promise myself. I saw them yesterday when I pushed you against the wall. Something changed or rather I started to remember. I don't know why, but it hurt to remember. It felt like something didn't want me to remember. And after that I found the ring." He smoothed the ring on Tivon's finger. "I saw it on you, and I knew Violet made them. I just couldn't remember why she made two matching ones, and why you had one."

They were both looking at the ring.

"Violet made them?" When Elias gave him the ring it was long since they last saw Violet. "When did she make them?"

"A long time ago." Tivon looked up at Elias' blushing face. "When you first met her and went back to The Jade Paradise, I went back and asked her to make them. I've carried them everywhere since then."

He had them for so long?

"I was afraid of giving them to you. It felt stupid and…" He took a breath. "I was afraid you wouldn't expect them."

"After everything we've been through? You were afraid I wouldn't feel the same?"

His face flushed even more as he looked away with a nod.

"Elias." Tivon reached for his chin and pulled him towards his. "I always felt the same."

He kissed him as a tear ran down Elias' face. He leaned his head on Tivon's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry I made you afraid of me. I'm sorry for everything."

Tivon held him close. "It's okay. You're here now. I'm not afraid of you." He whispered. "I love you."

"I'll make things right." He looked up at Tivon smiling face. "And I'll start by apologizing to Rea."

Tivon smiled. "We were invited to ball you know."

"When is it?"

"In two days."

Elias smiled and picked Tivon up. "Then we need to hurry."

Tivon wrapped his arms around Elias' neck. "How are we supposed to get there? We have no ship."

"I know this island." He winked. "And I also know where they kept their ships."