Chapter Thirty : Lily

Atlas closes his bedroom door behind him, and I find myself alone in his living room.

I feel awful for both of them. I can't believe that was his mother. Or maybe I can. After hearing stories of her, I imagined her to be that unhinged, but I guess I expected her to look different. Both Atlas and his brother look so much like her that it makes it difficult to see that kind of behavior come from someone Atlas is related to. They are polar opposites.

I take a seat on the edge of the couch, shocked that I just witnessed all of that. I've never seen Atlas that affected. I want to go hug him, but I can absolutely understand that he needs a moment alone.

Josh, too. The poor kid.

I don't want to leave before saying goodbye to Atlas, but I also don't want to disturb him until he's had a moment to recover. I walk to the kitchen and open the refrigerator. I look for the ingredients to make breakfast for them.

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I kept it simple because that's all I really know how to do. I made scrambled eggs and bacon and put a pan of biscuits in the oven. When the biscuits are almost ready, I go tap on Josh's bedroom door. I can at least offer him something to eat while I wait for Atlas to come out of his room.

Josh opens the door about two inches and looks at me.

"You want some breakfast?" I ask him.

"Is Sutton gone?"

I nod, so he opens the door and follows me down the hall. Josh gets himself something to drink while I pull the biscuits out and make us both a plate of breakfast. I sit across from him at the table, and he eyes me while he eats. I feel like I'm being sized up.

"Where's Emerson?" he asks.

"She's with her aunt."

Josh nods and takes a bite of his food. Then: "How long have you and my brother been together?"

I shrug. "That depends. I've known him since I was fifteen, but we started dating about a month and a half ago."

There's a flash of surprise on Josh's face. "Really? Were you, like, friends back then or something?"

"Or something." I take a sip of my coffee, and then set it down carefully. "Your brother didn't have anywhere to live when I met him, so I helped him for a while."

Josh leans back in his chair. "Really? I thought he lived with our mom."

"When she and your dad would allow it," I say. "But he spent a lot of time trying to survive without their help." I hope I'm not saying too much, but I feel like Josh needs a better understanding of Atlas. "Go easy on your brother, okay? He cares a lot about you."

Josh stares at me for a beat, then nods. He leans over his plate again, taking a bite of bacon. He drops the bacon back onto the plate and wipes his mouth with a napkin. "His cooking is normally better than this."

I laugh. "That's because I made it."

"Oh, shit," Josh says. "Sorry."

I don't take offense at all because I'm sure he's getting used to Atlas's cooking. "Do you think you want to be a chef like him? He told me you like helping out at the restaurants."

Josh shrugs. "I don't know. It's fun. Maybe. But I feel like I'll get tired of it. He works a lot of nights. I feel like I'll get tired of any career after a few years, though, so I don't know what I'll do."

"Sometimes I feel like I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up."

"I thought you owned a flower shop or something. That's what Atlas told me."

"I do. Before that, I used to work at a marketing firm." I push my plate aside and fold my arms on the table. "I still feel like you do, though. Worried about boredom. Why are we expected to pick one thing to try and be successful at? What if I want to do something completely different every five years?"

Josh nods like he's in complete agreement. "The teachers at school talk like we have to decide on one thing we love and stick with it, but I want to do a hundred things."

I love how animated he is right now. He reminds me so much of a younger Atlas. "Like what?"

"I want to be a professional fisherman. I don't know how to fish, but it sounds fun. And I want to be a chef. And sometimes I think it would be fun to make a movie."

"Sometimes I dream of selling my flower shop and opening a clothing boutique."

"I want to make pottery and sell it at fairs."

"I'd like to write a book someday."

"I want to be the captain of a ship," he says.

"I think it would be fun to be an art teacher."

"I think it would be fun to be a bouncer at a strip club."

I sputter laughter at that, but I'm not the only one laughing. Josh and I glance up at Atlas, who is leaning in the doorway, laughing at our conversation.

I'm relieved to see him in a better mood than the one his mother left him in. Atlas smiles at me warmly.

"Lily made us breakfast," Josh says to him.

"I see that." Atlas walks over and kisses me on the cheek, then picks up a piece of bacon and takes a bite.

"Kind of sucks," Josh mutters in warning.

"Don't insult my girlfriend or I'll stop cooking for you." Atlas steals the last slice of bacon off Josh's plate.

"These eggs are great, Lily," Josh says with fake enthusiasm.

I laugh while Atlas takes a seat next to me. As much as I want to spend the entire day here with him, I've already stayed longer than I intended.

It also feels like he and Josh have a lot to work out today.

"I have to go," I say regretfully. Atlas nods, and I scoot back from the table. "I'm gonna go grab my stuff." I walk to the bedroom, but I don't close Atlas's door, so I hear their conversation as I'm packing my bag.

Atlas says, "You feel like taking a road trip today?"

"Where to?" Josh asks.

"I found your dad's address."

I pause gathering my things and walk closer to the door so I can hear Josh's response.

"You did?" There's a new excitement in Josh's voice. "Does he know we're coming?"

"No, I only got his address. I don't know how to get in touch with him. But you were right: He's in Vermont." I can hear the dread Atlas is attempting to cover up in his voice all the way from his bedroom. God, I hate this for him.

I hear Josh running toward his room. "He is going to be so shocked!"

I finish packing with a heavier heart. When I walk back into the kitchen, Atlas is standing in front of the sink, staring out the window into his backyard. He doesn't hear me, so I put my hand on his shoulder.

He immediately pulls me in and kisses me on the side of my head. "I'll walk you to your car."

He carries my bag to the car and places it in the backseat. I open my door, but we hug again before I climb inside.

This is the kind of hug Atlas gave me when he showed up at my apartment needing a hug that night. It's long and sad, and I don't want to let go of him. "What do you think is going to happen when you get there?" I ask.

Atlas finally releases me, but keeps his hand on my hip while he leans against my car. He sighs, threading his finger through a belt loop on my jeans. "I don't know. Why do I feel so worried for him?"

"Because you love him."

Atlas's eyes scroll over my face. "Is that why I always feel worried for you? Because I love you?"

My breath hitches at his question. "I don't know. Do you?"

Atlas digs his fingers into my waist, and he pulls me to him. He lifts his hand and traces a finger down my neck, until it meets my tattoo. "I've loved you for years and years and years, Lily. You know that." He moves his finger and then kisses me there, and that move coupled with his words takes everything in me to keep my composure.

"I've loved you for just as long."

Atlas nods. "I know you have. No one on this earth loves me like you do." He cradles my head in both of his hands, and he tilts my face up to his and he kisses me. When he pulls back, he looks at me longingly, like I've already left and he's already sad about it. Or maybe that's just what I'm imagining he feels, since that's what I feel.

"I'll call you tonight. I love you."

"I love you, too. Good luck today."

I drive home with such conflicted feelings. Every moment with him over this last day was more than I could have hoped for, but knowing what he's about to face makes my heart feel like a piece of it broke off and stayed with him.

I'm going to be thinking about him all day. I'm hoping they don't find Tim, but if they do, I hope Josh makes the right decision.