Chapter 28 - When Love amounts to Nothing

It's been 3 days and I don't feel any better since I came home from Palazzo de Medici. I should have read more about Giuliano when I was in the 20th century. I could only blame myself for what happened.

I should have known better. I have blindly let my hopes get the better of me. The root of all this is when I thought that living in this century will help me find myself and rebuild my life.

I had nothing when I left my time and I would have nothing here. There's nothing Florence can offer me. As I reach out for the stone, my tears began to fall. I don't know if this will work, but if I go back, I'll stop kidding myself with the possibility of a better life.

I bring the stone to my chest, thinking of home. Thinking of my uncle and our house in York. Suddenly I felt dizzy and light. Perhaps it's finally working. When I open my eyes, I'm sure I'll be back in England again.

Is this what you want? An unfamiliar voice echoes in my ear. The green meadow by our house in York came into view. Dad's house is small and charming. We may have lived for a short time together in the house but it was home. At least for a while.

It has been awfully quiet since he passed away. It's never been the same since. Do I want to go back?

When I pushed myself to sit up, Semiramide slowly smiles and hugged me in relief. "Thank God, you're okay."

Hugging her back, I said, "How long have I been unconscious?"

"Just a few hours, Antonia," Franzia said as she gives me a glass of wine when Semiramide pulled away. I grabbed it and thanked her before drinking it.

"You scared us, Antonia," Semiramide said, now sitting next to me. "You fainted but I thought something bad happened to you."

"I think 3 days is enough. You need to go out and do whatever it is you normally do." Aunt Simona said as she enters the room with a smile. "This is the longest I've seen you stay inside. I don't think that's good for you."

Sighing, I turn to Semiramide and Franzia before speaking. "Do you mind leaving me and Aunt Simona alone for a while?"

Disappointed Semiramide stood up and nodded. She gave me a handful of letters before leaving the room with Franzia. When I look at the letters, it was all from Giuliano. I immediately place it by the nightstand and let it be unopened.

Aunt Simona sat down where Semiramide was sitting earlier and showed me the stone in her hand. "You've tried to leave. I know."

I'm not sure if she's hurt or disappointed. Her face is unreadable. "I did. It didn't work."

"Is it all because of Giuliano?" She asks, her voice raising a little bit in disbelief.

"It seems like a good idea at the time," I said, looking at my fingers as I fidget, unable to look into her eyes.

"Well, I'm quite disappointed with you then. I was under the impression that you were here for a reason." I then look up at her to see her seriously disappointed face scowling at me. "You left England when you had nothing. Now you want to leave Florence because of a man when you have gained so much more than that." Slapped with the truth, I cried. "You have a family here Antonia. Don't give it up."

I got up and hugged her tight as I cry. She rubs my back soothingly as she hugs me back. I feel so stupid. Aunt Simona is right. I shouldn't leave just because the possibility of being with Giuliano is now no longer an option. I can't believe I almost left everything I have because of it.

It's been a few weeks since I last catch a glimpse of Giuliano. The letters he sends have started to pile up. Unopened and unread. I know he said he loved me, but I may have acquired the information from overhearing them, even so, I know this century enough. It has taken me a while to realize the truth but deep down, I knew it all along.

Feelings do not amount to anything in this period. Advantages, security, and influence always prevail. People like Giuliano could not afford to let their feelings take over. No matter how passionate or true, love cannot be accounted for.

In the weeks I have stayed inside the house, I tried to do the duties women would do in this century. Aunt Simona and Semiramide were glad to finally have my company the whole day but they knew I wasn't happy.

In truth, I'm punishing myself for being so naive and foolish. I knew better but acted poorly anyway. Now that I have finally allowed myself to be outside, the cupola is the first place my feet have dragged me into.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Botticelli said as he arrives.

I remained seated on the ground as I look at the city. "I would have gone out sooner but I realized that it wouldn't be for another few hundred years before the new year will be celebrated on the 1st of January," I said as I smile.

He sat next to me, and to my surprise, he didn't take out any type of equipment at all. "Spring is more important than the realization that another year has passed." He said, still looking in the distance.

"I needed time to think to myself anyway," I said, looking down as my voice grew lower.

"He's been asking us about you." He said as he shifts his gaze toward me."He said you never responded to the letters he sends and everyone in the household said you were away whenever he asks for you."

"I know."

"Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He invited me to their family feast and log burning on Christmas eve. I didn't know why he invited me but as soon as I got there, the only person that welcomed me was Bianca. Everyone else made me feel uncomfortable. Then the Appianis arrived shortly after. Lucrezia has invited them over to declare to the whole family that Semiramade is Giuliano's fiance. After that, I left." I can still remember every detail of the event and it brings nothing but coldness and pain to me.

He was quiet beside me. Perhaps he doesn't know what to say to alleviate anything or perhaps he's just speechless. "I knew why he invited you." He suddenly said, without looking at me. "He was planning on proposing to you right in front of his family." My heart suddenly beats faster inside my chest. I had no idea he was planning that at all or that he was considering marriage with me. I was rendered speechless. "Lucrezia has never been supportive of Giuliano's decision and has been trying to stop his plan since she found out. I know I should not have told you this but I urge you to speak to him. He's been miserable."

"That's just it. She will do anything to stop it."

Botticelli, now facing me, takes my hand into his and spoke. "Talk to him. It's the only way the two of you could find clarity."

I have always been conflicted about how I feel about Botticelli but seeing him now begging me to talk to another man somehow makes me feel a different kind of disappointment. "Why? Why urge me so?"

His lips stretch ever so slightly to a thin smile and said, "Because if it was me, I would love nothing more than to talk about it with you. Hear me out, and afterward, make your decision."

He has a point. Sighing, I nodded my head. "Alright."

He then gently let my hand go and look at the distance once again. "You can always have privacy here." He said with a more energetic voice.

"No, I'd like to reserve this place just for us. This is the only place I can tell you everything that I cannot say to anyone here. I don't want to spoil that."

It felt different, to meet him after a long while. As I head toward the fountain, I don't know what to expect. I still haven't opened any of his letters and the thought of seeing him once again makes me feel a little sick from anxiety.

I don't want to be charmed or be persuaded into doing whatever he wants, he always knows how to make me weak and agree to whatever he says. I want to be free.

When I arrive at the piazza, I saw him waiting at the fountain anxiously. I'm not sure if I am ready to see him but given the amount of time I had made him wait and still be persistent, I at least owe him a chance to talk.

I walk toward him, looking anywhere but at him as I get closer. Sitting down next to him feels familiar and uncomfortable. "Antonia..." He trailed. "It's nice to finally see you, after all this time."

"What is it you want to talk about, Giuliano?" I said, still looking away from him.

He leans on his elbows on his knees and fidgets his fingers. In months of seeing him, I have never seen him in this uneasy state. "I want you to know that I have no part in the arrangement my mother made with Appiani. I didn't invite you then only to humiliate you. That's the last thing I want to do. I never should have underestimated my mother, I should have heeded your warning on our way to the palazzo. I ask for your forgiveness and hopefully a chance to prove to you once again my worth."

"I understand the kind of woman your mother is, Giuliano. She would give nothing but the best for you. She has not deemed me as such and I understand. All we have to do is accept it."

"Antonia.." He then takes my hand and turns my chin with his fingers to face him and spoke. "Please. Don't give up on me. I love you and I have no intention of giving up on us. If loving you means I'll have to defy my mother's wishes or my whole damn family then I will do so in a heartbeat." His free hand reaches up and cups my cheeks as he lovingly gazes at me. "I will always choose you."