Chapter 31 - Internal Damage

I could no longer bring myself to be alone anymore. I don't have the confidence to go about my daily strolls even when Giuliano's out of town. After the incident, Giuliano has been sending me more letters and has almost always stopped by to see me.

I refuse to see him at every turn. I can still feel his arms restraining me, or the way he pushed me onto the bed intending to take me against my will.

The memory poisons almost every good in my day. Sometimes I would find myself staring into nothingness for hours without even realizing it. Everyone in the house is starting to get worried about me but I have no clue how to tell them what happened.

Sleep has been elusive these past few nights. I decided to go downstairs with a candle lighting my way toward the kitchen. Perhaps tea could help me. As I heat some water, I sat down by the chair, waiting for it to boil when I heard footsteps coming over.

Aunt Simona came into view, as she wears a shawl around her shoulders and walked toward me.

"Can't sleep?" She asks with a motherly smile on her face. She occupies the seat next to me as she prepares another teacup for herself. I can only nod in response. "I can't sleep either." We were silent for a few seconds when I felt her gaze upon me. When I look up to meet her eyes, concern filled her face. "I'm worried about you, child. You know that you can always talk to me about anything."

Where to begin? I look down at the table, not knowing what to say. "I know Aunt Simona. I simply don't know how."

She grabs my hand and squeezes it encouragingly. "Let's start with the things that you want to say. I'll try to keep up."

The words struggled within my lips but I push on. Aunt Simona has been with me since the beginning and if I were to tell anyone what happened to me, it would be her. Heartened by her love and care, I take a deep breath before speaking. "As you know, I have been ignoring Giuliano upon learning of his engagement to a Neopolitan noblewoman despite my feelings for him. He's declared how deep and true his affections for me when I finally relented to meet him. However, Lucrezia came down here when you were away for Genoa to urge me to stop seeing her son. In fear of what she might do, I adhere to her wishes. Last Sunday, I heard that Giuliano was away in Milan so I confidently go to the church only to see him there. I manage to leave the church without him noticing me but when he stormed into my room, he—" I trailed as I unconsciously reached for my neck. Remembering how he forced his kisses on me. "He tried to force himself upon me." My grip suddenly tightens around her hand as I remember. "He suddenly realized what he was doing and he stopped and walked away."

Aunt Simona covers her mouth as she listens, her tears falling in disbelief and overwhelm. She then stood up to hug me tightly. "I'm so sorry, my child. If I had known, I would have done something to stop him."

It didn't matter. He's broken me.

Today, I will try to go outside alone. I am still riddled with fear but I have to overcome it eventually. Back then, walking down the street is a mixture of adventure, freedom, and calmness.

Now, all I could think about are the people with cruel intentions lurking around the corners and dark alleys, waiting for anyone they could prey on. I no longer feel safe.

Determined to feel better, I briskly walk towards Tre Rane. Walking inside, I felt as though a lot of eyes are on me but when I look around, all of them are busy talking and doing their business.

I still couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. I'd go to my usual place in the corner but fear started to creep inside me. I was about to walk away when I heard Leonardo's voice.

"Antonia! I'm certainly glad to finally see you again!" He was about to touch my arm when I suddenly saw the image of Giuliano in his place, ready to attack me once again. In fear, I immediately back up, as I look on in horror.

I suddenly stumbled upon a wall in my back but when it grabbed me by the arms, I realized it wasn't a wall at all but a person. When I look up, it's Botticello looking down on me. He, unfortunately, touched the bruised parts of my arm, making me flinch and back away from him as well. "Quite rude to treat a friend like that," Leonardo said as he looks at me disappointingly while his arms are at his hips.

I can see some odd faces my way, but fear has taken over me once again. Perhaps I'm not ready at all. When I look back at Botticelli, his face turns into concern. He must have noticed the sudden shift in my behavior. "Antonia? Are you alright?" He asks calmly. He then looks at the arms he previously touched and I instinctively walk away.

Botticelli was still calling my name when I'm a good distance away from them. Still trembling in fear, I walk on as I try to avoid the gazes of everyone on the street. When I turn left, I saw Giuliano leaning against the wall. No longer certain if it's real or not, I will simply ignore it. Upon passing it by, the vision turns out to be a real person. "Antonia?" His voice, was as calm and as sweet as I remember yet I could no longer see him the same way I did before. I stiffen upon hearing his voice. I feel him getting closer and my fear increases. "Please, I beg for your forgiveness."

When he tries to reach out to me, I flinched away. When I look up at his face, despite my uneasiness around his presence, I saw hurt, sadness, and guilt in his eyes.

Seeing the consequences of his actions have resulted, he looked down and kept his hands to himself. Seeing an opening, I decided to walk at a brisk pace to quickly reach home.

The next day, I decided to not dare myself to go out once again yet here I am, at the church attending mass amongst the sea of people worshipping. Despite being in Holy Grounds, I still couldn't feel safe.

Even though everyone is busy praying, my bones chill at the thought that perhaps someone out there in the crowd is studying me with harrowing forethought.

Sensing my increasing distress, Aunt Simona grabs my hand and smiles, temporarily distracting me from my poisonous thoughts. After the mass, I decided to simply look at the ground, effectively keeping the thoughts at bay.

When my fingertips finally healed, I began sewing my cloak again. Concentrating on keeping my fingers off the prickly needle has distracted me from thinking of anything horrible. A series of knocks on the door diverted my attention from my cloak. Once the door was opened, Franzia came in and spoke. "Messer Botticelli is here to see you. Should I let him in?"

After the incident with Giuliano, Franzia has been very careful with whom she would let inside my room. I'm thankful for her kindness. Even though she's our chambermaid, I treat her as nothing less than a friend.

Smiling, I nodded. "Yes, please let him in. Thank you, Franzia." I place the cloak next to me together with the needle as I sit upright. When he came inside, Franzia closed the door behind him. "Hello, Botticelli," I said as I smile politely at him.

"Pardon my visit without informing you firsthand. I just want to see you doing alright." He said as he stays in his place.

"Please send my apologies to Leonardo. I must admit that I wasn't myself that day." I said as I place my hands on my lap.

His eyes gaze at me intently as if he's studying me and I worry that I'd give off my worries without uttering a single word. Botticelli is very perceptive. "He would love to hear it from you."

Remembering how I acted, I suddenly feel uneasy. "Of course." I lied.

Botticelli slowly sat down on the settee across from me and then speak. "Antonia, I'm worried about you. If I may speak frankly, you have been acting strange." That's quite an understatement.

As I debate whether I should tell him about what happened, my hands reach up to my arms where my bruises are still dark and painful. Sighing in defeat, Botticelli spoke once again. "If you cannot tell me, I understand. Just know that I'm here whenever you need me." He stood up and started towards the door when I felt compelled to tell him everything.

"I heard the news that Giuliano was away in Milan." I began, making him stop in his tracks. "I felt confident about going outside. Since the threat, I have always been scared of what Lucrezia would do to everyone around me, especially those I care about the most. I have abode by her words and I must admit that it was difficult. He didn't deserve anything I had made him go through but I have no way of telling him without risking interception from his mother." Botticelli then turns around to face me as he listens. "After the mass, I went straight home to avoid being seen but Giuliano barged into my room filled with anger, frustration and I believe some amount of alcohol in his system. He grabbed me by my arms, bruising me. He told me that I had toyed with his emotions. Suddenly..." I trailed, feeling my chest getting restricted as I picture the events in my head. "He pushed me on my bed intending to force himself towards me." Not being able to suppress the tears welling up in my eyes, I look down and fidget my arms in the hopes that he wouldn't see my tears slowly pooling out of my cheeks. "I tried telling him to stop but he doesn't seem to hear me." I heard his footsteps coming closer to me. He kneels and cups my cheek as I cry. "He stops all of a sudden but I still feel betrayed," I said, as I let my emotions out together with my tears. "I'm so scared."

He then envelopes his arms around me as I lean on his shoulders. "It's alright, I'm here." He cooed. Hugging him back, I felt a wave of relief rush over my body as I continue to weep.

"Forgive me, I didn't know."

As I begin to relax in his grasp, I couldn't help but realize that even as I spiral down, I remain comfortable around Botticelli even when everyone else appears to frighten me. He has this incredible ability to make you feel safe without doing so much.

Apart from my family, I only ever feel content with him. He's the only one who has ever kept his word. He's always been there for me, despite everything.