Chapter 37 - Confirmation

It has never been easy to wait. Every minute of every day has been an anxiety-ridden experience for me. It's been weeks but it still wasn't enough. There are no methods of knowing for certain if a woman is pregnant or not in this century until the belly starts to swell. I cannot wait that long.

Standing by my window, I couldn't help but wish that this was all a dream. I have completely made a mess of everything. I don't know the repercussion this will do on history, but I just hope it wouldn't impact anything significantly.

Desperate to silence my head with anxiety-inducing thoughts, I decided to take a walk. To hide my presence, I wore the cloak that I have been working on for the last few months. I could barely hear anything despite the busy streets.

Not knowing where I should go, I decided to go to the banks of Arno. Instead of sitting, I stood as I watch the river dancing along with the wind and current.

I do not want to be pregnant. I pray to God that I am not. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have gone to that feast and left as soon as I got back to Florence instead. Why is this happening to me?

"Antonia?" I look over my shoulder to see Da Vinci walking toward me. "I thought you have left."

Smiling bitterly, I spoke. "I thought so too, but something has come up."

He stood next to me as we look at the river. "Must be important for you to postpone your plans for leaving."

Indeed. "It might not be significant. I just need time to figure it out is all."

He nodded and both of us fell silent for a while before he spoke once again. "I would like to ask for your forgiveness." He then sighs as he clasps his hands by his back, still looking at the river. "I know it took me a long time. I have been meaning to, but things are a little difficult for me these past few weeks."

"Whatever for, Leonardo?" I said, turning towards him.

He faces me as he pinches his lips thinly. "For being an inadequate friend. I know it puzzles you when you didn't see or heard from us for months."

"I don't hold anything against you, Leonardo. You do not need to ask for forgiveness because there's nothing to forgive." I said, smiling encouragingly.

He smiles back and sighs in relief. "That's good. I was quite terrified I have upset you in any way."

I chuckle at his reply. "No, I don't think you could ever." Then I suddenly realize a question I have been wanting to ask for a while now. "If I may, what happened to Tre Rane?"

He looked away at the mention of the inn. "With Botticelli's growing numbers of commissions and new patrons, and my time has mostly been dominated by inventions and crafts, we pay little time to it that we have to close it down."

"I'm sorry. I loved that inn." I said as I look down, remembering the great moments I had with them in it.

"It may have been closed by now but it would be something unforgettable for the two of us. The experience has taught me something nothing else could." He smiles gratefully as he continues to look away.

"There are simply some things that need to end no matter how great they are."

"It's fun while it lasted."

Smiling at his statement, I began to think of the many things this man will soon achieve. He has kept so many sketches of inventions: the catapult; water-lifting devices; the automobile; the flying machine; and siege defenses. I wanted to tell him that he was on the right track with his ideas and inventions.

I can only hope he can see them in the future but I can only do nothing but admire his intellect, skills, and talent. "Leonardo, can I ask you a favor?"

He looks towards me and nodded his head yes as he speaks, "What is it?"

"Can you keep my staying here from Botticelli?"

Silence came before us for a few seconds before he responds. "May I ask why?"

"I'll leave as soon as this is over. I'm scared that a glance at his face might waver my determination in leaving."

He eyes me with a complete sense of understanding of how I'm feeling. His smile soon became apparent. I can tell he wanted to say something, perhaps to tease me but he chose otherwise. He simply nodded and then look out for the calming water of the river.

1939, London

Alec left to fulfill his orders a few days ago and I feel rather lonely. This house is too big for one person alone. I wish I knew a lot of people from here. Looking through the mail as I sip my tea, I stumble upon an envelope that made my heart beat faster inside my chest.

It's the envelope I have been waiting for. University College London has finally sent their response to my application. I bring my teacup down on the table and lift the said envelope. My hands grew cold in anxiety. I inhaled deeply as I open the letter and began to read it.

Upon realizing I'm accepted, I squeal a little in excitement as I grin. I wish I could tell anyone, but I'm all alone. The realization made my smile disappear in a matter of seconds. Suddenly I felt sick.

I run towards the sink and threw up. When I'm done, I gargle some water in my mouth and wonder if I have eaten something bad. Not remembering anything, I decided to go back to the mail.

After a few consecutive days of feeling sick in the morning, I noticed that I am a few weeks late. Have I been eating expired goods? Not wanting to take a chance, I decided to go to the hospital.

"Good news, Mrs. Deighton." Doctor Walker said as she reads my results with a wide grin. "You're pregnant."

The thought of being pregnant makes me feel both happy and terrified. I'm happy, after all, I have always wanted to have a family of my own. However, I am terrified because I'm not quite certain if it's the right time to have a child. Germany just declared war and now that Alec is away, I don't know what to do.

Staring by the window, I couldn't help but hold my belly thinking about Alec. I have yet to tell him about my pregnancy. Will he be distracted if I tell him about it? I wish I could tell my dad...

Looking at the phone a few meters away from me, I began to debate whether I should call him or not. I haven't talked to him since I got married to Alec. It's the longest time I have not shared a conversation with him. I miss him so much. I walk closer to the telephone and dialed his number.

Ring after ring, I waited patiently in the hopes that I'd hear his voice once again. Despite my enthusiasm, he ended up not picking up the phone call. Disappointed, I put the phone down and sigh. He must have been busy or simply didn't want to talk to me. It would have been nice to hear his voice once again.

Upon receiving a letter from Alec, ponder on whether I should write to him about the news. As I write a response, I couldn't bring myself to tell him about my pregnancy. Perhaps, it's too soon at the moment. When he comes home, he'll eventually know.

1477, Florence

The cupola remains the only place where I can calm myself. At least aside from Botticelli's company. The morning view is more beautiful than ever. I have evaded his presence for weeks and I'm not sure if I truly do not want to see him or not.

I love him, but just the sight of him makes me remember the terrible things I did. He doesn't know it but it felt as if I have betrayed him. I wish these things would have been easy.

"I thought I might find you here." His voice alone could make my heart palpitate so much. I stood there, unmoving as he walks closer to me. "This is your favorite place in the city after all." He said as he smiles at the view and leans his arms on the banisters.

"How did you know I didn't leave?" I ask, my heart still palpitating from his presence. "Did Leonardo tell you?"

"No, but I did ask him a few times. He would always tell me that he hasn't seen you." He said as he looks back at me.

"Then how did you know?"

"Despite your efforts, you are hardly unnoticeable." He said nonchalantly. "It's difficult to be discreet when almost everyone turns their heads whenever you pass by." Embarrassed, I couldn't help but look down. "Why didn't you tell me you're still here? Are you hiding from me?"

"It's not that..." I said my eyes remaining downwards.

"Then what is it, Antonia?"

Not sure what to say, I started to panic. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," I said as I started towards the stairs when he held my hand to stop me in my tracks.

"No, Antonia. Not this time." He said. "If you cannot bring yourself to tell me why then at least hear my explanation you have deprived me."

How is it I seem to always not want to hear his explanation? Is it because I might not handle the truth or because I couldn't face the truth? "What's the point of your explanation? It will not make everything else appears as if it didn't happen." I exclaimed. His eyes widened in bewilderment. "You took an interest in me because you see my mother in me, you have left me with no explanation after that kiss we shared—"

"I love you!" He said, his voice a bit louder than mine to make me stop talking. Did he just say he loves me? "I always have! Yes, I may have thought you were Simonetta at first but it isn't the reason why I feel the way I feel!" Frustrated, he turns around and leans on the banisters once again. "I have wanted to tell you how I feel for a long time, Antonia."

"Then why didn't you?" I said as my brows creased in frustration.

"Because words do not come easy to me!" He said as he turns around to face me once again, his eyes fired with passion. "I'm not like Giuliano. I cannot say the right words at the right time. I'm a painter. I can liberate my thoughts well in arts but never in words." My mouth slightly parted as he explains, surprised by the sudden bursts of truth.

"You couldn't have done that in the form of a letter when you were in Venice?" I said, as I catch myself and be exasperated with him.

"I wanted to, but Giuliano insisted that no letters should be sent to Florence from Venice. Have you not wondered why you have gotten no letters from Leonardo?"

At that moment, I realized why I have never let him explain. I have always been in denial of my feelings for him. It's a lot easier for me to do so and not knowing his feelings for me has helped me make assumptions that would make it easier to keep on denying them.

I love him, and now that I have got all the pieces, I have no more bullets to hit myself with denial. "So you have loved me all this time?"

His expression softens as he walks closer to me. He cups my face with a smile then spoke, "Yes. I love you then, and I love you now."

Something warms up in my chest, Hearing him say those words has melted my very core. Smiling back, I look into his amber eyes and replied, "I do—" Before I could, I bend to my side and vomited.