Chapter ７

“Yes.” There is no doubt. That's why I won't waste time with doubt. This evening seems like the culmination of six years of planning. All signs point to this happening eventually.

To ask, "What is your room number?"

Having to deal with such a realistic and useful inquiry throws me for a loop. Eyes flicker. The question "Right now?"

David looks me over while running his hand down my neck. Allow me to explain how things will unfold. If it's ok to you, then we'll proceed. If not, I'll get you in a taxi and make sure you get home okay.

I can hardly take a breath at this point. “Okay.”

"No bluffing, Anna. You can't fuck other people or back out if you decide this isn't for you. Say you will"

I get a kick out of teasing him, but I want this more than I want to seem like a spoiled brat. As a result, I can only choose one path forward. As I nod, the tips of his fingers gently graze against my flesh, and the sensation is excruciating. “Okay. Certainly, that's my word."

I feel the tingle of expectation as his lips curl. David draws in closer and softens his tone. If you have a spare key, you're going to hand it to me and enter that room. Put away that red dress, shut your eyes, and wait for me by bending over the bed.

There's a lick of my lips there. It seems like the temperature in here has increased by twenty degrees in the last few seconds. Is it true that this is happening? One could ask, "And then?"

As soon as we're alone, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to your tight little body. His grip on my neck tightens ever so little. Tell me "yellow" if I should ease up on the gas, and "red" if I should come to a complete halt.

The space around me appears to shrink. As the heat rises, I feel a tightness throughout my body. "It's a safe term." Yes, of course I am acquainted with them. I've participated in my fair share of risky sex games, but I learned pretty early that kink requires more exposure than I'm comfortable with and is best saved for exceptional partners or rare occasions.

These descriptions apply to tonight.

You confided in me that you felt comfortable here. That won't alter no matter what the future holds. To this day, he still has my attention. The extent to which this goes depends entirely on you.

I feel like laughing till I cry from the sheer joy of it. He won't be grateful, and he may even take my response the wrong way. How far does this go, exactly? As far as it goes, I want it to be successful. What I really want is for that dashing mind of his to be a virtual dream factory. Everything vile, every sleazy particular. "Give me anything," There's a lick of my lips there. "Even I have my own wild imagination."

His eyes wander to my grin. You promised, "Tell them to me tonight."

The demand sends a chill down my spine, and the intensity of his stare just makes things worse. When I say "I will," I scarcely sound like myself. Certainly, that's my word."

That's the number of the room you're staying in.

I just recite it off the top of my head. I reach into my purse and, hands trembling, deliver him the extra hotel key. He gently squeezes my neck and lets go. “Go.”

I go.

Keeping my gait slow and steady as I leave the hotel bar requires more work than I could have imagined. David's eyes are always onto me; they are dark and full of hope.

That is indeed what is occurring.

In fact, that is currently occurring at this time.

I hold it together until the elevator doors close behind me. When this happens, I lean against the wall and let out a deep, ragged breath. For emphasis: "Holy crap. Wow, that's incredible. I thought there was a good chance David would reject me. Since the night we met, he has maintained such a cautious distance from us...

Striking me with pain that is both numbing and all too familiar. Thirty percent of my life has passed since my parents passed away. Even more so. Even now, it aches. The anguish isn't as intense as it once was, and it no longer sends me into a panic attack whenever I have a fleeting memory of them.

Depression seems to have no upper bounds.

At least now I can safely reach back and touch the happy moments. There was a time when even thinking about them brought me nothing but pain. I was wondering whether David ever remembers my dad. We haven't really discussed this before, and he's gone through a similar tragedy. No one can compare a friend to a parent, but that doesn't mean his feelings of loss are any less real than mine.

I push off the wall and allow my momentum take me out into the corridor as the elevator doors silently glide open. The past is irrelevant at this time. In a few days, I'll be able to resume the never-ending process of dealing with my loss and improving my psychological and emotional well-being. The focus for tonight is on letting go. Putting all of your worries aside and relaxing.

As I make my way to the penthouse room across the corner, the outfit I'm wearing feels appallingly constrictive. A little grin forms on my face. On this night, with this guy, I need more than just a standard hotel room. I couldn't possibly be me if I didn't make a big deal out of this. I even made sure we'd have everything we needed to live out the dreams that have been bothering me for far too long by equipping the room with everything we'd need to do so.

I pause to take a glance around the motel room. I left my stuff up here earlier, but I didn't leave any lights on save for the one on the desk. The darkness casts a palpable sense of foreboding across the whole room.

Remove your dress.

Wait for me as I bend over the bed.