Two

Zhan ge, I'm sorry, I don't know why am crying. He uses his other hand to wipe my tears gently, and I melted into his touch.

It's okay baby, don't cry. I'm fine. He flashes his teeth and his smile was genuine, unlike mine that's fake.

What happened that made them transfer you here? Lawyer Yang asks, breaking our moment.

He removes his hand from my cheeks and puts it on top of my hand that is in his. It felt so warm. I miss this so much. I miss sleeping on his body. To listen to him talk. I swallowed the lump in my throat and raised my eyes. Everything is driving me crazy because I miss his voice. I pray I don't panic and pass out.

Zhan ge licks his lips and shifts in his chair.

"Well, they got new inmates and we that are on death row are transferred here," Zhan ge says, emotionless yet somehow having a dark tone in his voice. The sentence alone sends shivers down my spine and I trembled.

"That doesn't matter," Lawyer Yang says, sounding angry. You still have four years and they have no right to transfer you here without contacting either your lawyer or brother. I was informed yesterday and I called Yibo immediately to inform him too. We were scared, I thought you got into a fight.

It's okay, Mr. Yang. I don't care. Zhan ge scoffs and shakes his head while squeezing my hand. I'm fine really and I am alone in my cell. I cook and read books, it's not as boring as I thought, and no one has bullied me so far.

My tongue got heavy in my mouth all of a sudden, and another stream of tears rolls down my cheeks.

Wang, he turns to look at me. I'm still here okay and I promise I won't get into trouble but I need you to be strong for me, please. Zhan ge spoke softly and I felt my heart break all over again.

He squeezes my hand so gently and I could tell he was holding back tears. I wipe my tears and gave him the paper bag.

He can't take that inside, one of the guards spoke from behind us.

Can I have a bite? Zhan ge asks.

He just nodded.

It smells lovely and I trust it will taste great. Zhan ge teases.

He took a bite and took three more. It's delicious Zhan ge moaned as he chews the spaghetti.

How is the restaurant?

It's fine, doing very well. I employed two chefs and they're not disappointing me so far.

I took out my phone and showed Zhan ge pictures of our restaurant.

I love what you've done with the place. Zhan ge said snapping me out of thought. Someone I see every day now turns into someone I see once a week for thirty minutes. It breaks my heart to think about it, but I have to be strong for Zhan ge.

Do you like it?

I love it, Wang. I'm glad I have you. He smiles at me sweetly before the guard walks up to us.

Your time is up, he said harshly.

Oh, so fast. I mumbled.

Zhan ge chuckled and squeezes my hand. I will see you next week Saturday. I love you so much Yibo and please try to sleep. He squeezes my hand and I place my other hand in his hands and he squeezes both gently before he stood up.

"He pulls me up and hugs me tight, It is difficult to breathe but I will give up anything to be in Zhan ge's arms forever.

He felt so warm and I winced when he pulls away. He kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear "please try and sleep" your eye bags are screaming under the concealer.

"Can't fake anything?" can I? I mumbled

"No, you can't. He pulls away, squeezes my shoulder, and follows the guard inside. I don't know how long I stood there staring into space until lawyer Yang pulls me away.

My eyes were blurry, I didn't even know how I managed to walk to the car. Lawyer Yang opened the door for me and I got in and buckled myself. Lawyer Yang enters the driver's side and zooms off.

The drive back home was long and silent until I spoke.

Can't we appeal? I ask with my cracked voice.

Yibo, we did that three months after he was sentenced.

Can't we try again?

No, we can't. Appeal is just once. Wang. Lawyer Yang said, shattering my already broken heart.

Oh, my Zhan ge. I wish there was something I can do. I wish I have a superpowers.

After an hour and thirty minutes of driving. Where should I drop you off? Lawyer Yang asked, breaking the silence.

Drop me at the restaurant, please. That's my safe haven.

After a few minutes of silence, lawyer Yang spoke again. You know if I didn't know you two are brothers, I'd have thought you were "lovers."

"Really? "

Yes, and the silence continued.

Fifteen minutes later, he dropped me off at the restaurant.

Lawyer Yang, why don't you come in and let me treat you to dinner?

Oh, Wang thanks. I'd love to stay but I can't miss my wife's dinner. She will kick me out of the house. He laughs and zoomed off.

I went into the restaurant and entered my office to change before I went to the kitchen. We started doing late-night deliveries since I can't sleep at home alone.

3 years later.

I never failed to see Zhan ge every Saturday in the last 3 years since he was transferred to maximum prison. And I feel suffocated waking up every morning knowing his days to live are fast approaching.

I woke up earlier this morning and prepared food with my new recipe for Zhan ge, the guard is now very close to Zhan ge, he takes the food i bring inside for Zhan ge and they eat it together.  Also, my time has been extended to one hour.

I always take a cab to prison because two years ago, I drove and I almost crashed on my way back home. I was in an emotional mess.  No matter how happy I am seeing Zhan ge, going back home alone kills my soul.

I got dressed and wore a plain black shirt and black trousers with black shoes.  I got toiletries for Zhan ge and can't wait to hug him. A week feels like forever for me.

I did the usual routine check and waited for Zhan ge at the corner we always sit in. There was a time one of the guards ask if Zhan ge was my husband. I was about to say yes when our dear friend opened his basket mouth and said we are brothers.

I saw Zhan ge walk toward me with his priceless smile. This man looks amazing every time I see him. I stood up to hug him for a few seconds before he sat next to me.

Hi, he said quietly, and his voice sounded like music in my ears.

Zhan ge, you look handsome. I couldn't help but compliment him. "He is sexy" but I can't bring myself to say that.

I love to listen to him talk about his week, and what he's done. "He also started working out. No wonder I'm drooling."

It's been 30 minutes and he looks happy talking about his activities. I guess he has come to terms with his new reality. But before I came here I want to talk to him about seeing someone.

"Zhan ge, have you tried talking to the prison counselor? You might not want to talk to me about some of the things you are going through or thinking but I think you should talk to someone, they can help."

"Why do you think I need help? Sometimes people don't want help," Zhan ge says.

I notice that Zhan ge has sat up a little straighter in his chair and is continuing to keep eye contact.

"Zhan ge, People always want help but don't want to admit it or don't even realize it in the first place. People will deny that anything could ever be fixed. They convince themselves that they're beyond help, but they're just scared."

Zhan ge doesn't say anything but I  can see anger flare in his eyes. It doesn't stop me from continuing, though.

"People like you, know they need help. They know something is wrong but they're terrified of facing what's causing the problem. They'd rather let themselves continue to spiral, or just be as miserable as possible before facing their demons. Demons are scary. It's easier to run."

"You have any demons?" Zhan ge asks, catching me off guard a little.

"Yes, I do and I'm still in the process of working them out. It's hard and it hurts like hell but it's what I know need to do to better myself."

"But you actually have a life," Zhan ge responds.

"And you don't?"

"Only for about a year." he looks down and picked his nails.

I know Zhan ge is on death row, but hearing him say that out loud gives me a tight feeling in my chest. I try to think of the best thing to say but I'm not sure if there even is one.

"Don't you want to try and make something out of it?" I ask, even though I know it's not going to change how Zhan ge feels.

"I will be dead, it won't matter, I don't care anymore. My life doesn't mean anything, I don't mean anything to anyone and I'm fine with that. Once I die I can just die, all of me, even thoughts of me."

Who...What do...you...mean?  I promise I was not going to cry, but what the fuck does he mean.

You mean the world to me Zhan ge and I love you endlessly. I squeezed both of his hands.

I...i know, I'm sorry Wang, I don't mean to say that. He looks at me pitifully.

This is one of the reasons I want you to see someone. I pleaded with my eyes.

Will it make you happy if I talk to the prison counselor? He asks, but deep down I know he does not want to do it but he needs it.

Yes, it would make me happy. I answer quickly before he changes his mind.

Okay then, I will talk to him/her. He smiles weakly.

Thank you.

Anything for you Wang.

"Do you have any religious beliefs?"I ask.

He gives me a confused look that says. "Aren't you not supposed to ask that."

"Probably not but I just did. You don't have to answer." I mumbled

"I don't know what I believe. I don't really care what happens." he mumbled back.

"I believe in reincarnation. I think that karma exists and you carry it over to your next life."

He looked at me like I was crazy and before he could talk, the guards walk to us.

"Your time is up."

"So soon" I whined.

I will see you next week Saturday. Zhan ge said and stand up to pull me into a tight hug. "I love you" and don't skip meals. He whispered before he pulled away.

I look at Zhan ge put his hands behind his back and the guard cuffed both hands right after.

I don't know what came over me but I close the distance between us and I kissed him, and he kissed me back. I wrap my hand around his neck and deepened the kiss. The guard pulled Zhan ge away and he pouted. It was so cute.

"I love you" Zhan ge. The smile he gave me made my heart flutter. It was the smile he wore for seven years before all this.

I walked out and entered the cab that has been waiting for me. Ever since the day I almost crashed. I hire a taxi for a day and it's the same person. He never asked me what happens when he sees me cry, he just hands me a tissue and faces the road.