Seventeen

One week. Only one full week until Zhan is gone, and it's killing Yibo. It's ripping him apart and there's nothing at all that can help him. He hates it. He hates this so much.

He hates waking up in the morning. He hates eating. He hates watching tv. He hates showering. He hates going to sleep. He hates everything because he knows that in one week he has to do it all without Zhan.

No, Zhan doesn't live with him anymore but he's still there. He exists. But he won't in a week. He'll be gone, totally gone.

The pit in his stomach had only grown and now it's almost as if it's all that he is. Just this void. He feels so lifeless and unmotivated to do anything. Even the simplest things. He's so incredibly sad that he feels that's all that defines him.

Time has never gone this fast. That's always how it is, though. Anytime it's supposed to go fast it goes slow and vise versa. Yibo knows that the day will be here sooner than he could imagine and he has no clue what he's going to do.

You can't stop time. You can't just press pause and hope that it can stay that way forever. Time doesn't even exist really. Once that day comes, it'll feel like the moments leading up never even happened.

It will all just be a memory and that breaks him. The fact that it'll all be memories. That's how life is, memories themselves aren't sad, no. What's sad is that's all that will be left. There won't be any time left to make more. There won't be any more 'right now.' There will only be 'I remember when.'

One thing Yibo is thankful for is that he gets to see Zhan. At least there's that. At least there won't be a day he won't get to spend at least some of his time with Zhan before there aren't any more opportunities in the first place.

He has a plan. One that might be hard to execute but he's going to try. He has to. Yibo wants to give Zhan one more day to be "Normal" To get to do normal things and experience real life. Just one more time.

He's not sure how to go about it but he's going to talk to Mr. Lee because if there's anyway, he's going to try. He won't let Zhan die with the prison being his last memories for the last six years. He called Mr. Han to come and take him to prison earlier before he will see Zhan.

"Mr. Lee, do you think there's anyway I could get Zhan out of prison for a day."

Mr. Lee gives him a confused look. "Legally I mean," he adds.

"I'm not sure, son. Maybe. You'd have to talk to his case manager and his lawyer. You'd need a legit reason. They won't just let you take him."

"What's a legit reason though? I don't know if it's the same but on Orange Is The New Black, the show I watch, it takes forever to get things like that processed."

"It does. But you might have time. I can do what I can but I don't want you to get your hopes up. One of my friends who works in the department handles those things so maybe he can find a way to make it work." Mr. Lee says.

Yibo could tell that he felt bad. He wanted to help as much as he could. He knew how hard it was, losing his wife wasn't any different than Yibo losing Zhan.

"Okay, thank you so much. I just-I want him to have one day. One day to do whatever he wants. He doesn't deserve any of this. The least I could do is try and make it happen for him."

Mr. Lee nods. "I understand. It's almost harder when you know someone is going to be gone. I guess it's harder to cope with sudden loss but there's no slow burn of dread."

Yibo didn't really know how to put it in to words before Mr. Lee said it but that's exactly right. He's not so sure about the coping thing, though. Losing someone, no matter how it happens, is hard to deal

with.

"Yeah, exactly. I just-It hurts. Like really bad."

"And it will continue to hurt. For a while. It's going to rip you apart and then when you think you're doing better, it'll hit even harder. But you're strong. You'll get through it, even if it takes a long time, you will."

"Wow, thanks for the pep talk," Yibo says

sarcastically.

"I don't mean it to bring you down. It's just the truth. I know I can't sugarcoat things with you because even if it's hard to hear, you like things to be blunt. Right?"

Yibo sighs and plays with the hem of his shirt. "Yeah. I just, I'm so tired of this. I just want everything to be over."

He didn't mean that he wanted the date to come sooner. No. He meant that he wanted everything to end. How he feels, the terrible emotions coursing through his brain, the pain. All of it. He just wants it over.

"I know it seems like it's the end of the world right now, but I promise you it's not."

Yibo just sighs. He knows he'll survive in the end but he's not so sure how much of him really wants to. Maybe he wants it to be the end of the world. It sounds easier to cope with.

"Yeah, let's just-let's go in."

As they make their way to the entrance, Yibo thinks about how he'll only be doing it a few times. 2 more times until he won't have a reason to come to prison anymore.

After getting through security as they do every time.

"I'm gonna go call Mark, my friend. I'll be back." Mr. Lee says. Yibo nods and decided to wait to go see Zhan until Mr. Lee comes back. He wouldn't be able to focus if he didn't.

"What'd he say?" Yibo asks once Mr. Lee comes back.

"They're looking into it. It seemed like much more of a possibility than what I thought it would be. I guess it's nice to know that at least a few of the higher

management people have a bit of sympathy."

Yibo just shakes his head. He's sure that a conversation like this would have left him in tears a week ago, but now, he just feels empty. He feels like he doesn't even have enough energy in him to cry.

"I just don't understand how Zhan got the death sentence. I don't understand why it wasn't just life or something. He was a kid." Yibo says.

"Yeah. I'm not sure either. It could've just been a serious case of bad luck when it came to the jury and judge. Maybe the prosecution's side was just worded in a way that made him look worse than he is." Mr. Lee says.

Yibo genuinely feels angry about the whole situation. It just doesn't make sense. There's no closure, no reason....death just doesn't seem fair.

"I'm just gonna go. I don't want to waste time," Yibo says, nodding to Mr. Lee as he walks out the door and into the halls.

As he approaches the metal door that separates him and Zhan, his mind seems to go somewhere else. He thinks about how it's one of the last times he'll ever

knock on it or even look at it. It's one of the last times he'll ever walk through it.

He's snapped back into reality when the door ends up opening for him.

"Bo?" Zhan says, his voice slipping into Yibo's ears and leaving an ache in his stomach.

"Hey..." Yibo says back, looking at Zhan and taking in everything he sees. He refuses to let himself forget him.

"You alright?" Zhan asks as he steps to the side to let Yibo walk in.

Yibo does just that. He goes over to the bed and climbs onto it without hesitation or waiting for Zhan. It's only a few seconds later though that he's being

joined anyway.

"No," Yibo whispers. He hates that for some reason, the one time he wants to be present and to be able to soak up everything.

"What's wrong?" Zhan asks, pulling Yibo close to him and kissing the top of his head.

"Everything. I'm just so tired, Zhan. How do you stay so positive?" Yibo asks.

He doesn't understand how Zhan isn't quite literally shitting himself. It has to be so scary to know that you only have a week left to live. He also doesn't

understand how Zhan can always be in such a decent mood. It's so sad how it's all going to end for him.

"I'm not, not always at least. I just try not to let it get to me. I've had six years to come to terms with it so at this point, I don't know. It's not that I'm ready, I'm so fucking scared, but at the same time, it's not like there's anything I can do. Not in a week." Zhan says.

Yibo hates it so much. He hates all of it, every single thing. He hates that he's laying with Zhan right now, he hates that he's in the prison, he hates that he loves Zhan so much. He hates it because he can't have it for much longer.

"I just, I sit here and complain, I say that I'm having a hard time, but I've got it easy compared to you," Yibo says.

Zhan's quiet for a moment before responding. "I don't know. I'd rather be me in this situation, if the roles were reversed. If you were the one leaving. It will all end for me, but not for you, you have to deal with the aftermath, he says quietly.

Yibo's eyes feel heavy, they have been for a few days now. He's always tired, even though he's been sleeping far too much. He's just so depressed.

"I just wish I could come with you," Yibo says.

"No," Zhan says firmly. "No. Bo please, you gotta get rid of that mentality. I know it's probably easier said than done but I know you'll get through,"

Before Yibo can respond, Zhan sits up and leans over him. He leans down and kisses Yibo. It's soft and gentle, unlike some of their previous kisses.

As Yibo places a hand in Zhan's hair and kisses him harder, he feels a tear slip between their lips. He's not sure who it is, but it was probably his.

He knows he can't leave. Not in the way he's been thinking of it. He can't let this kills him. Not literally. It's already going to be taking one life, he refuses to let it take another.

It's still not enough. The thought. Even if his willpower will surely be enough to keep him from doing anything he shouldn't, he still wants to be gone. He just wants to be asleep. Forever.