Submerging

19: SUBMERGING

Today, we went to visit noona to ask her about how we can find the moon's grace. My wolf was giddy about searching for the person who the Goddess paired up with us. I, on the other hand, did this entirely to support him.

Truthfully, I wasn't interested in finding our match. I wasn't even thrilled with the idea of forming a bond with someone. I wanted to focus on re-establishing ourselves in the pack and spending my time with my family.

But I know how important this was to Fenris. If I could find another person who would love my wolf as much as I love him, then I see no problem with at least putting in the effort.

"You're interested in the moon's grace? I did not expect that from you." Noona placed a steaming hot cocoa in front of me.

"Then again, you and your wolf are an unusual bunch."

"Fenris is very keen to search for him. I'm not interested in anyone from the pack," I responded to noona.

Searching for the moon's grace was considered righteous in the werewolf tradition. Most werewolves didn't care for it because of their libido.

Noona nodded and sipped her tea. With how werewolves maintain their youthful appearance, no one outside of the pack could guess noona's age.

"I understand that very much. But I am warning you, Caleb, once you and the moon's grace cross paths, you will never be able to find a replacement if your mate perishes. If that person dies, you die. Moon's grace can bring you the greatest happiness and at the same time, the worst of sufferings."

'Fenris don't care! Fenris wants moon's grace!'

My wolf was imprudent when it came to this.

"What if I die? Will that person die too?"

It can't be a one-sided death, can it? It wasn't fair that we get to die while that person can bond with someone else after our death.

Okay, that was a selfish thought.

"If your moon's grace is another werewolf, then yes," noona answered.

'Are you sure about this, breux? There is no backing out once we seal the deal."

'Oh please droog! Fenris wants the moon's grace very much so!'

I really had no say in this from the start.

"There is another thing you must know," noona said. "Not all werewolves are given with the moon's grace."

What a relief.

Oh, wait a minute.

I was pleased to hear that there was a chance that we no longer have to spend effort and time in soul-searching. Then I realized that if this Lucichan did not exist, Fenris would be inconsolable.

"Then how do we know if that person is out there?"

We need to at least try. If Lucichan did not exist then Fenris and I will just have to focus on the pack. It would take some time for Fenris to recover but I doubt he'll sulk forever.

"If you truly wish to know then there is this method done by those who seek their true mate…"

…

…

…

"Ouch!" I yelped when I hit my thumb with the hammer.

'Droog, I thought we're building a wooden bathtub?'

I sighed. 'We are…what do you think it looks like?'

Building was another thing I wasn't blessed with. It was no surprise that the result would look terrible.

"It looks like a fence. Who are we keeping out, droog?"

I groaned and tossed the hammer to the side, feeling teary-eyed.

This was hopeless.

'Don't cry droog! Let me out and I'll build it!' Fenris consoled me.

An image of my wolf trying to hold the hammer in between his paws caused me to accidentally blow out my snot from the sudden burst of laughter.

"You don't even have fingers, breux, how can you hold the hammer?"

"What are you building Caleb?" Papa asked from behind me.

My embarrassment rose. I wiped my teary eyes with my arm.

"It's…It's supposed to be a bathtub," I murmured shyly.

I expected papa to laugh at me for my futile efforts of actually building something, but it was more foolish of me to even think of papa like that.

He patted the back of my head, picking up the hammer that I threw out of frustration.

"It looks like you were having a hard time, why didn't you ask me for help?"

My shoulders slumped.

"I…I thought I'd be able to do it since I'm old enough."

"Age doesn't come with a skill you know," papa calmly lectured, observing the progress of my work. "If you want to be good at something you have to practice doing it; learn from someone good at it and have the patience to continuously endure failure that comes with the process of being good at it."

He looked up at me with a smile. Papa had always been encouraging. He never ran out of patience. He was full of wisdom and strength. I wanted to be like him.

"Let's do this again," he motivated.

We spent the day building the bathtub that we will use to connect with the moon's grace.

My brothers dropped by initially to pest us, but they ended up helping too. Mama brought snacks and watched us work. Papa taught us how to carve figures from wood.

Nightfall came. Before having dinner, I filled the tub with water with the help of Conall.

"You're going to try and connect with your mate? What's wrong with the omegas here?" he asked me.

We were carrying buckets of water from the well which was the main source of water for the pack. Before I could give him an answer, he realized that his question was unnecessary.

"Oh wait, never mind that. I would rather have you mated to someone outside of the pack."

A grin spread across my lips.

"Why's that?"

"None of them were interested in you when Ulmer was still the big shot. None of them even stood up for you," he replied, bearing a stern face.

We poured the water into the tub and went back to get more.

"Are you worried about me getting mated to someone from the pack who was once against me?" I teased, causing Conall to hit me with the bucket and glare at me.

"I'm agonizing over the fact that you'll fall for anyone who'd spread their legs for you but wasn't there when the whole pack was against you!" he scolded.

Honestly, who was older again?

"You're afraid of me ending up with a fawner and a lickspittle," I clarified.

"It's good that we understand one another."

"What are the characteristics that my mate should have to gain your approval, Oh Great and Wise Conall?"

If my mate surmounted Conall's criteria then without a doubt, that mate was indispensable. Conall would kick my ass if I lost him.

I gathered water from the well while he thought about my question.

"He should love you unconditionally and should be someone who can see right through your false act of bravery. He should be someone who would stick his neck out for you and just…didn't care about status, repute, and power," Conall answered without a hint of malarkey. "If your mate is like that then…we wouldn't have to worry about you all the time."

My eyes swelled up from my brother's touching words. I let go of the bucket to give him a hug. He rejected my embrace with all his denial and bashful self.

"What the heck are you doing you idiot?! Let go of me!" he growled.

"So you do love us!" I cried out of joy. My wolf hiccupped and sobbed.

'Droog, this is the nicest thing Conall has ever told us!'

"What rubbish are you going on about now?!" Conall snapped.

Dinner was done. I stripped out of my clothes and stood nude at the back of our house where the tub was. Being nude outside of the house wasn't much of a big deal for those who weren't omegas. This was a trait of werewolves deemed embarrassing by other races. We would casually mingle with each other without a strip of clothing on.

The water in the tub carried the reflection of the moon. I looked at myself, feeling slightly nervous.

'To know if your mate is out there, you will have to submerge yourself in the water, bearing the reflection of the moon. The fuller the moon is, the better results you'll get. Yotz will give you hints if your mate is out there. Those hints sometimes go unnoticed if you don't observe yourself enough. When you perform this method, you'll have to rely on yourself to find the answer you are seeking. You will be the mirror to your moon's grace,' was what noona told me.

I got inside of the tub, shivering as I sat. The cold water bit my skin. Being a naturally warm-blooded being, the water adapted to my body temperature.

"Ready, breux?" I asked my wolf.

"Ready!"

I took a deep breath and gradually lied down. I shut my eyes, waiting for anything to happen, but I ended up resurfacing to catch my breath.

With a few more times of immersing underwater, I reached the point of defeat.

"Nothing is happening," I groaned, planting my face in my palms.

"You have to enter into the planar state with your wolf," Noon pointed out right beside me.

I jolted and yelped from surprise. My whole family was also there beside her, eating snacks while they watched.

"Are you…are you guys enjoying yourselves?" I asked in annoyance.

"Oui (Yes)" they answered simultaneously with a nod.

"Fenris is so glad to have the whole family here! See droog? We have to try some more!" my wolf pushed on.

I really had no choice.

"What do you mean by the planar state?"

"You and your wolf have to exist in the physical world together just like when you fought with Ulmer," she answered.

"That…I don't know how we did that," I replied.

I guess we got carried away by our emotions that day.

"We'll help you," papa said.

Noona held my shoulder. Mama went to the other side. Together they shoved me down without warning. Papa's golden eyes lit up. I became debilitated underwater.

Confusion wreaked havoc inside of my head. My chest pounded in a fret. I couldn't help but feel like they were trying to kill us rather than help us.

One of my siblings got inside the tub, stepping on my chest. Judging by the ability to heat up, these were Claude's feet.

The two women who held me down withdrew their arms from the simmering water. A slightly heavier weight was added inside the tub on top of my stomach. Claude's heat died down and was abruptly replaced by a freezing cold temperature from Conall.

My body was getting exposed to extreme ends of temperature as my oxygen declined. A sense of great trepidation and doom shadowed over me and my wolf.

'Fenris you have to do something, I can't breathe!' I panicked.

'Papa's power is stopping me from coming out!' my wolf wheezed.

I shut my eyes tightly, spumes came along with my scream underwater. Water flooded inside my nose.

'Caleb!' my wolf growled.

A tail sprouted out from my back. My ears retracted and grew differently on top of my head.

Conall's freezing temperature became the last shift. My entire body floated in a daze once my brothers left the tub.

What was this?

"What's going on?" my wolf and I questioned.

We were awake yet we were in a daze.

My hand immediately went to my aching chest.

Why did it hurt so much?

Shaky breaths escaped my mouth from the intense pressure in my chest.

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

Our scream caught the attention of the whole pack. My family attempted to calm us down but we ended up thrashing around demanding justice for whatever this was.

We felt like we were still being drowned when we weren't.

It was suffocating.

Make it stop…

"What do you want from me?! Why do you keep doing this to me?! What have I ever done to you? Get away from me! Get away!" we screamed.

We did not know how we ended up spewing these words but no matter how much we cried it out, the pain wouldn't go away.

Papa was finally able to get a hold of us. He secured us into his embrace. Noona sent the spying eyes home while mama and papa consoled us.

"It's going to be okay son…No one is hurting you…" Papa cooed. He tightened his grasp on me, trying to shield me away from any harm.

Mama stroked my cheek and kept on kissing me while my siblings became quiet.

"It hurts so much…please take my heart out…take it out…it's all just the same…" we sobbed.

"No, don't say that, where is this coming from, son?" papa queried. "Where is this all coming from hmm? Don't say that. Don't ever take your life."

His question was the same as mine— where were these words coming from? We would never say this.

When we were stable enough, mama dried us up and put us to bed. Papa and noona conversed out of our room. Fenris withdrew from the physical state. I was staring at the ceiling, unblinking.

My body was flaccid. I think all life just abandoned me and left nothing but a vessel wandering about.

Mama stroked my hair. My chest tightened even more. Why was I upset with my own mother now? Why did I want her to get out of my sight? What was this sudden abhorrence out of nowhere?

"Can I have a word with Caleb, please?" noona asked when she came into my room.

Mama nodded and gave me a good night kiss. She left me in the room with noona who kept a close eye on me.

"How are you feeling, Caleb?" she asked. "What I mean is: how is your mate feeling?" she clarified.

"These are…all of our mate's feelings?" I asked her.

Tears soaked my pillow. I bit my bottom lip before I emanated a forceful breath. I curled into a ball under the sheets of my bed.

"Yes…it would seem so," she answered grimly.

"It hurts…It hurts so much."

How can that person keep this all in? How can our mate live with all of this pain?

"What do you plan to do? Will you stop connecting with your moon's grace from now on?" she asked.

"Th--the pain will stop if I do?"

Noona bowed her head as an answer. I was left in my own thoughts for a second until Fenris joined.

'We're going to stop?' he asked, sounding depressed.

"This pain is unbearable Fenris. I don't think I can—"

'So if we ever meet Lucichan, are we just going to abandon him whenever he feels this way?' he asked me, causing my eyes to widen. Guilt seeped inside my heart.

"If this is causing you too much pain then maybe you should give up on moon's grace," noona advised. "There are many people from the pack who can give you happiness," she added before turning around.

She was scornful of me. With how I was acting, she had the right to do so.

"But if by some fate you were to meet the moon's grace…" she said and paused for a moment. "Remember how you gave up on him in an instant."

Fenris didn't talk to me any further that night. I wasn't able to sleep even when I was so tired. The pain that my mate had that we felt slowly dissipated.

I was just guilty now.

We had felt ache all our life and we were fortunate enough that we had our family to run to. We masked smiles for people no matter how much we were hurting inside.

But this person…this person just carried all that weight in him that it shocked me. It felt like I was being dragged into the bottom of the lake with no hopes of getting back up. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by people who cherished me. I felt so scared and helpless.

'Fenris…I'm sorry for being a coward. I just got scared…didn't you get scared?'

"I was…But Lucichan is more scared."

Didn't he have anyone to soothe him?

The sun came up and I sighed. 'I understand. We'll try again and…learn more about him.'

If we ever crossed roads, I didn't want us to merely watch him pass by. I want Fenris to be able to approach him with pride because we were adept to handle the pain he felt before.

If he continued to feel this way, we would have to toughen up so we can escort him through it.

We'll be there for him and I hope that he'll do the same for us.

When Fenris replied cheerily, I finally permitted myself to submit to sleep. We'll need all the strength for tonight's session. I will have to let noona know that we weren't going to give up.

After struggling a sleepless night and finally being able to have the opportunity to sleep, an angry scream of a pack member brought us back to reality.

"Stronzo (Asshole), you gave my daughter to the rogues! What kind of chief are you?!"

What did that bastard Ulmer do this time?