Chapter 3.4

Seishin lit the fire in the lamp. The dark light shone over the inside of the abandoned church building.

The old style oil lamp was something that had been left behind here. Not just the lamp, the personal items belonging to the recluse who had formerly lived inside the church were all left behind. Clothing smeared in dust and mouse droppings, books rotting with mold, everything that had come to comfort him for use in his daily life.

The reason Seishin had originally started coming here was because of these things, because Seishin enjoyed reading over the things offered up by the person who dedicated himself here to living out his own individualistic faith in this sanctuary. He would chip at them uniformly, though he couldn't follow any chain of reasoning that would really give a gap into a single certain personality, but he sought out the meaning behind each and every article, taking great interest in the task of seeking out whether one item would reveal the meaning to another and tie something together.

Books on black magic and curses, another was a book on history, a dubious religious pamphlet. Mixed in with those were physics and biology books, and mixed in with those were guileless moral stories aimed and children.

He didn't know what he was thinking amassing this collection of books. Just---thought Seishin. There was no doubt that he admired martyrs. He wanted to be a martyr to something and yet what to actually become a martyr for, he himself may not have even known. He had been here always, searching for a divinity to which to devote himself. If that wasn't the case, then he may have been seeking the words to express the personal god he had found through his own intuition.

He was drug out of here and brought back, and, he thought, he probably couldn't find what he was looking for there. When he had first discovered this place, he had sought out information on the person who had lived in Kanemasa but in the chaos after the war he had gone missing and today still what had become of him after that remained unknown. If he had found the divinity which he was meant to serve, he wanted to know about it, he thought.

While thinking on that, he opened a spotted book, when he'd heard a soft clattering sound. In the light of the lamp, he turned his gaze towards the entrance where the sound had been made, seeing Sunako's face peeking in.

"---Muroi-san?"

Seishin closed the book, surprised. Sunako came towards the bench with a light stepped gait.

"I had seen the light and thought that it might have been you. I could see from the window of my house."

"Ah, .... I see."

"Do you remember your promise? I have brought the book. I wonder if I could have you sign it for me?"

Seishin nodded and took in hand the book Sunako had brought out. It was the second book Seishin had published. It was still a well bound book, but this book shouldn't have been in circulation any longer. Had it been treated with so much care? Opening the book, he signed the flyleaf page. It was something of a rarity but the people of the parish had often asked for his signature, though lately they did not. He found himself a little self-conscious.

"Thank you. I'll treasure it."

The lamp light shone over the happily smiling little girl's face.

After meeting last time, he'd tried researching about SLE. Systemic lupus erythematosus. In Japan it was classified as a collagen disease but more precisely it was a type of connective tissue disease. That said, Seishin couldn't imagine very concretely what kind of connective tissue it was. There were many young women with it, as most of the patients inflicted were female. It seemed it was something that could be passed down through the family but it seemed it wasn't clear if it was genetic or not. The primary symptoms were characteristic red spots on the skin and joint pain for this illness but it afflicted the entire body. A particular problem was decreased kidney function and decreased cardio-pulmionary function. There was full body weakness and a tendency towards infection, and lesions in the brain and nervous system could also happen. They were sensitive to ultraviolet rays, which could lead to an outbreak, which could lead to serious illness, kidney decline and cardio-pulmionary decline leading to uremia, valvular diseases, and inflammation of the pericardium, which could become life threatening. Abnormalities in the immunte system was the designated cause but what caused the outbreaks was unclear, and there was no set medical treatment. Forced to battle the illness all throughout one's life, because returning to society or work was difficult, it was designated as an incurable disease.

Maybe it was because he knew that, maybe it was because of the unsteady light of the lamp, a melancholy shadow seemed to settle over the little girl's face.

"Your complexion looks poor."

"Does it? ---I suppose it may. For a while I was bedridden."

"Are you all right?"

"I'm already quite used to it."

The little girl faintly shrugged her shoulders. Her pale white skin looked sickly but there were no signs of the characteristic red spots. It seemed the primary medical treatment for SLE was steroids, and taking doses of it for a long time could have severe side effects but for the time being Sunako didn't have the well known side effect characteristics of a full moon face or a the outward appearance of a buffalo. Aside from a poor complexion, she looked quite healthy. He wrote that off as being how it looked to a layman's eyes.

But, Seishin thought. Sunako's life was hanging upon a delicate balance. Yes, life was fragile, more so than people believed. Yasumori Susumu had died. It was possible that Mikiyasu, too, would not come back alive.

(Mikiyasu... ...)

Four years younger, he lived nearby. The temple and the Yasumoris had a deep connection. When they were smaller, they often played together. You could even call him a childhood friend.

That summer, many villagers died. There were those he knew and those he did not. But as for somebody like Mikiyasu, it was the first time someone he felt a co-ownership with had fallen. If it was that, then Mikiyasu wouldn't be saved. The last time they met would be at Nao's funeral, then? It was possible that he would never see Mikiyasu alive again. The next time they met, Mikiyasu would be an empty shell, and he would be the ones performing the last rites over that Mikiyasu's empty shell.

"Did somebody die again?"

Asked by Sunako, Seishin returned to his senses.

"... ... Why?"

"Because you were like this before, too. You said that some young girl had died. Muroi-san looks to be depressed the same as he had been at that time."

I see, Seishin forced a smile.

"A person of the parish?"

"Yes,"

Seishin nodded.

"He hasn't died yet. But... ...he's on the verge of death."

Was it all right to say that? But, there was no hope at all of him recovering.

"He is a member of the parish but, if I had to label him, I should probably go with childhood friend."

"Heeh?"

Seishin took a small, short breath.

"When we were small we played together often. Or rather, he came over asking to play often, might be more precise. He is four years younger."

"He was like your child." Sunako wore a moderate smile.

"That might have been how it was. I was more of a reserved child, afflicted with a terrible shyness, and there weren't any children besides Toshio that I was very close with."

"Toshio-san?"

"The director of the Ozaki Hospital. I got along well with Toshio myself but Toshio was very competitive. He wasn't the type to know his place with the older children, he was vigorous, so Toshio and I ended up stuck playing alone together. Toshio didn't get along well with the older kids but he got along well with younger ones. He could say some very outrageous things, and when he was in the mood he could be very cruel and hard hearted but you could say they looked up to that."

"A stereotypical child bully, wasn't he?" Sunako smiled. "But, somehow I simply can't picture Muroi-san playing together with a child bully. Somehow, I have the impression that as a child you did nothing but read books by yourself."

"It wasn't like that. I got up to a lot of mischief," Seishin smiled. "Though usually the one who brought it up was Toshio. He'd plan some terrible prank, or plan some incredibly reckless way to play. He liked to defy taboos. I tried to be an outside force of resistance but Toshio would absolutely never listen to what I said. So I'd end up stuck going along with him. I probably thought it was my job to be the break to make sure Toshio wasn't too reckless."

"...Somehow, that does seem like you."

Seishin turned his eyes towards the light of the lamp.

"In the village we have a festival called the mushiokuri. I've followed after that.... ..."

Seishin somehow remembered the night of this year's mushiokuri. He had the feeling it was long ago, and yet that it had just happened.

"The truth is, you musn't do that kind of thing. It was a religious ritual, so to the villagers there are proper religious reasons why you shouldn't. It's in the middle of the night for one thing, so children following along after it is unheard of. But each year, there would always be children who would follow along after. That's what kind of creatures children are."

"That may be."

"I wonder how old we were? Toshio was the one who said we should try following them. I, of course, was against it. Mikiyasu was---any time it might have been dangerous, he would be caught between Toshio and me, all shook up. ... ... Mikiyasu was easily scared. He was a very scared, timid child. So, for him following after the procession was probably terrifying to him. If we were found by the adults we'd be yelled at. That wasn't all, it's a festival with a kind of scary atmosphere too. I opposed it, and with a relieved face he agreed with me; but, Toshio said 'if that's the case, fine' and said he'd go by himself, and he wanted to go with him so much he couldn't stand it."

"I think I understand," Sunako smiled. Seishin also smiled faintly.

"It was always like that. Mikiyasu in the end gingerly stuck with Toshio. I couldn't help it and tagged along to keep Toshio from making too much of a mess. It's always been like that... ..."

When was it that they stopped playing together? It wasn't just Seishin who, upon entering that pubescent threshold between childhood and adulthood, slipped out of the child only groups and made groups up of those the same age. Somewhere along the line they stopped playing purely stupid pranks and reckless games, and spent more time talking than doing things. Around that time Toshio too found the way to compromise with those older than him, and Seishin remembered borrowing quite a few books and records from the book store's Tashiro and the Murasako rice shop's older brother. And then Seishin didn't see much of Mikiyasu. Mikiyasu himself found other friends---and then became an adult, married, succeeded the family business, and became a father. But, certainly for a time, he and Mikiyasu had joint ownership over a certain time between them.

Seishin held his tongue thinking of Mikiyasu, outside of the village, in a hospital room somewhere. He lost his wife, he lost his child, and he was going to lose himself---.

Say, Sunako's voice suddenly chimed. "If Muroi-san had somebody dear to him, and if you thought that you wanted to let them live, do you know what you should do?"

"Become a doctor?"

"You're wrong," Sunako laughed. "You kill them."

Seishin was flabbergasted.

"To let someone live---if it means to be the master of their time of death, then it means to kill them of your own will. If you don't do it then someone else will kill that person. They will snatch them out of your hands, Muroi-san." Sunako said with a lightly voiced laugh. "Isn't it funny? It is hard having people near to you die. Even though you think it unforgivable, having them snatched out of your life, it's a terrible thing and yet if you want to avoid that, then there's nothing but to kill them yourself. That's what kind of creatures we are."

"Yes.... ... That is true."

Sunako stood from the bench and peered into the darkness of the sanctuary. "... ... Aren't 'precious' and 'piteous' rather alike?"

"Mm?"

Sunako laughed and turned to look back. "For example, suppose you were to keep a baby bird? You would want to hold it often, love it warmly, and it would be very precious to you."

Seishin vaguely nodded.

"But, however dearly you think of it, the little bird will someday die. No matter how much and how much you cherish it and take care of it, it cannot not die. If you don't want it to be taken by somebody else, if you want to have it live as you wish, so much that the only one to kill it ever could be you, then there's no difference in doing it yourself. That is why, yes? If something is precious, it isn't just precious, it's piteous. ...Don't you feel that way?"

"... ... I see."

"That's why if something dies and we think piteously on them, you would say it was precious. You don't want to lose them; losing them is pitiful,

oshii

, I think that is why we say they are dear,

itooshii

. Preciously piteous,

ito oshii."

"....Mm."

Seishin smiled thinly. It was because Sunako was so argumentative, and because it was a reasoning that could be seen as charming from a certain broken vantage point, and also because it was funny that he was being convinced by a little girl of such a young age.

"Is this the kind of thing you always think about?"

At Seishin's question, Sunako looked to Seishin fleetingly, then as if averting her gaze looked up at the stained glass windows.

"I guess so. Living and dying---I often think of these things. I can't not think of them."

Her somewhat pensive tone of voice pricked at Seishin's chest. Sunako bore a grave burden on her health. You could even say that she was always in the ravine between life and death. Flustered with himself for such a foolish question, he suddenly remembered. SLE left one compromised. There were problems with one's immune system. Thus it was easy to catch an infectious disease, her body's ability to resist lacking due to having so many problems all over her body. And now in the village a dangerous plague was spreading out.

"Uhm...." Seishin again tonight was uncertain what to call Sunako, his words muddied. "I think it might be better not to come here too much, don't you?"

Sunako turned to face him. "As I thought, I'm a bother?"

"That isn't what I mean. It's just... there are wild dogs and such."

"Or talk of them. But, I have yet to catch sight of one."

"It's dangerous at night, even out in the country like this."

Sunako stared fiexedly at Seishin, then gave a begrudging nod mixed with a sigh. "I understand. I will behave myself in the house. I will be sure not to invade Muroi-san's territory."

"That isn't what I mean, really."

"You may say it to me frankly. I am used to not having things go my way."

"It isn't that," Seishin hesitated to say. "I'd like you to keep this a secret, but."

Sunako tilted her head.

"It will be fine to tell your parents. I think it is necessary to let your mother know especially. Your family's doctor as well. But, I don't want the people of the village to know. I'd like you not to let it leak outside of your house."

"Could it be that it is such an important secret?"

"That's right. For now, still."

"All right, I will promise."

And so Seishin explained to the girl who nodded with a serious expression.

"In the village right now, an unidentified disease is spreading."

Sunako blinked. "... ... An epidemic?"

"That's the question troubling us. Toshio is thinking that the wild dogs and small animals---and the ticks and fleas attached to them may be the intermediate carriers."

"And that is dangerous?"

"It's dangerous. At least, all of the patients that we have seen to this point have had the worst possible progression and outcome. ---It's ironic, isn't it? You all had come here seeking safer living conditions."

"That's so. I wonder if it isn't more dangerous than being in town. But, these things happen. And, what kind of sickness it is?"

Seishin shook his head. "I don't very well know yet. Toshio is saying that it doesn't conform to any existing epidemic."

"A new strain?"

"I don't know. There's the possibility that it's a new strain or a variation, he's saying, but. Since it becomes dramatically worse, there's no time to analyze it in detail. Unlike people from the city, the people of the village are against pathological autopsies. We also don't have a fully equipped hospital. That's why as far as specifics go, we are completely in the mists."

"I see... ..."

"So, it'd be better not to go out walking carelessly. Particularly with the possibility that the carrier animals are loitering in this area."

"I understand," Sunako tilted her head lightly to the side looking doubtful. "And I'd finally met Muroi-san, really it is too bad. I wonder if once in a while it would still be all right?"

"I don't know... ... To tell the truth, since we don't know what it is, we don't know how to defend against it. You might not be safe just because you're holed up in the house. I can't say any single thing for certain, though."

"It's like a roulette, isn't it? If my luck is poor, I shall be caught. But, that it would be better to lower my chances of a dangerous encounter is a truth, isn't it."

"That's what I think."

"Thank you. I will tell this to my mother and Ebuchi-san. But, I will say, not to talk about it outside of the house. If a panic breaks out, it will be troublesome. That is how it is, yes?"

Seishin nodded.

"I will take care to be careful, and it will only be once in a while. So, may I come again sometime?"

"It isn't something you need to seek my permission for. But, you really should take care."

[TL/N: Kawaii/Kawaisou, Oshii/Ito-oshii

When Sunako talks about precious and piteous, the words she uses in Japanese are 'kawaii' for cute and 'kawaisou' for pitiable, often used or said when saying "the poor thing" or expressing sympathy. The word 'kawaii' is made up of the kanji for acceptable and love; the word 'kawaisou' is made up of the same acceptable, pity, and thought. This translated imperfectly but passably in English. 

She also supposes the word 'itooshi' used to refer to someone beloved, usually in a romantic sense, may be  made up of the word 'love' (read as either (w)ai in 'kawaii' or ito in 'itooshii' ) from cute/precious and 'oshii' , for pity, lack or regret. There was no way I could think of to translate this without noting the Japanese roots]