Chapter 9.2

Seishin received notice of Natsuno's death before the morning Buddhist service. He informed Koike that he'd wanted to be buried in the village, that he wanted to enter the parish and use a plot of theirs.

"Yuuki-san wants the same thing as Mutou-san, he wants him to be buried after all. I will be leaving that to you."

"I do not mind but," Seishin said, still holding the receiver as he looked to the blackboard where he wrote it down. "To be honest…. Koike-san, there are already many appointments the day after tomorrow."

"The day after---Ah, tomorrow's Tomobiki, isn't it?"

"There are also many on the 17th. Should we ask for the help of a nearby temple---if it must be us no matter what, it will have to be done on the 18th, or otherwise tomorrow, but."

"No matter what the case putting it off until the 18th is over the limit," Koike said as he thinking and stopping himself. "The 18th is the 18th, we might end up with emergency tasks then too. Yuuki's will have to be tomorrow. I'm very sorry to do with to Yuuki but if he can't swallow it down, then…"

Yes, Seishin nodded. Writing down the schedule, he went to the main temple building to request Mitsuo to prepare a gravesite. Somebody stopped Seishin as he was returning after finishing the services.

"Say... Junior Monk?"

When he turned around, he saw that it was Chiyo from the general store. The pious old woman who had attended services every morning without fail after sweeping the mountain entrance bowed her head formally to him.

"These days, it seems very busy, doesn't it?"

Quite, Seishin said in a vague and prevaricated answer, Chiyo staring into fixedly at his face as he did so as if to ask him something.

"...Everything is well, isn't it?"

That short and simple question from the normally silent old woman pricked at Seishin's heart. Within those words were Chiyo's worry and hope.

Chiyo having said all that she had wanted to say gazed up at Seishin fixedly awaiting his words.

"...Yes."

When Seishin did at last finally answer, she once again deeply bowed her head. With a slow gait she stepped out of the temple. She left behind only Seishin with his painful lie.

The village was impending. To this extent. So many were dying that the temple couldn't keep up. Indeed it was just as Toshio had said, perhaps this was no time to care about frivolities such as how something was done. Somebody had to stop this calamity. It was unforgivable to let this be.

Toshio stirring on Ikumi was clearly imprudent, he thought. But he couldn't blame Toshio for being impatient. To start with, he was not angry with Toshio for the fact that his actions had made the situation worse. He was angry with what he had done in and of itself.

It wasn't as if he didn't understand Toshio's feelings. He knew Toshio's personality. Egging on Ikumi was very Toshio, and if he were in Toshio's shoes, he might have even thought it the appropriate thing to do. That end result was unprecedented. So he couldn't even begin to blame him.

(And yet...)

He couldn't see where Toshio was coming from. He knew that Toshio was trying to save the village, but what was it that made him think as much? To put it into simple terms, was it not justice, was it not compassionate towards the villagers? In that, where did making use of Ikumi come into play?

He wasn't picky as long as it had the result he wanted---he saw Toshio's behavior, which could be described thusly, as terribly egoistic. If that were the case then he should have acted egoistic from the very start. He should have said who cares about the villagers, should have refused any further troubles, should have just excused himself from any further troubles. If he had done that, Seishin too would have understood and consented.

---And, that went for himself.

If he wanted to save the village, he shouldn't have questioned the means of that end. There wasn't enough of a village left for that. Indeed this was a choice with only two options. If he wanted to save the village, they needed to exterminate the Shiki, unless they were exterminated the calamity would not stop. None the less, there was most certainly a part of him bothered by such a method. Seishin did not understand that part of himself.

In his hands, nothing moved as it normally should. He would turn the flywheel to fetch water but as soon as he touched it the mechanism itself refused to work, and rather than work it drew up dirt. Smiling at he who was bewildered, his little brother touched it. When he did, it returned to working as it should and he drew up water. That was how things went.

Without his little brother's help he could not interact with the world. And as long as he had his little brother as an intermediary, however indirectly, he could touch the world of beautiful harmony, and believe with great relief for the time being that it had nothing to do with him.

The world in harmony around his brother was a picture he could never enter into but using his little brother as an intermediary, he was allowed to appreciate that picture. And so all the more he was the one most at a loss when he had lost his little brother.

And yet why then? He must have had a wish for his little brother to die.

--If not, why did you have to kill him?

At the evil spirits' voice, his body hardened.

I don't know.

His little brother's death caused his neighbors to grieve. They solemnly carried the corpse discovered n the thicket, carried it into town and into the temple. During that time, those on the pathway were in tears as they saw them pass. But he cried more than any one of them. He clung to his fallen little brother as if to call him back, confirming that that wish would never be granted and leading him to wail.

Unbearable pain, bottomless despair, and yet the one who had taken his little brother from him was he himself.

---Why did you commit such a sin?

You filth, the evil spirits said as if lording over him.

You filth, the true feelings you harbored towards your little brother were jealousy.

He attained what you could not, you envied your little brother who could perform deeds you could not benefit from attempting, you longed for what he did on your behalf, you resented him for being able to. Not only did ye cradle an inferiority complex, you smelt an air of a superiority complex in his philanthropy, perceiving it as the hubris of the victor, making yourself the victim.

That's not true, he shouted.

Of course he had harbored jealousy of his little brother for being easily accepted in to the systematic ways of the world, and all the more so for living in that picture. But at the same time, on the other hand, he had also in his heart given up on himself ever being able to enter into that. That he could not enter into order and providence's favor was something intrinsic to himself, not at all his brother's fault, he himself understood that.

For example even if his brother were not there, he likely never would have been accepted into the system. Rather, without his little brother, he would not have been able to survive. He understood that gravely.

---Then, it was revenge.

You did it as revenge against the world that would not accept you, by means of slaughtering its most beloved child.

That's not it either, he groaned.

He indeed suffered greatly the tragedy of not being accepted by the world. To tell the truth, it was not that he had never thought of using his little brother in order to take revenge. But all the same, that had never been by means of slaughtering his little brother. He had reveries of coaxing his little brother, of using his deeply loving little brother's endless sympathy, having his little brother reject the world that would not accept his older brother, fantasizing as to how much it would save him if he would come to hate it.

What was vital to that was that his little brother would refuse the world's outpouring love, not that his little brother would no longer exist. ---That was how dependent he was upon his little brother, even in this.

But at the same time he was ashamed of himself for such a reverie. That was a deeply sinful thing, he knew that such revenge would not bring forth anything. He wanted the love of the orderly world, he did not want to be isolated from the order.

It was because his little brother was within the harmony of providence that through his little brother he could play a part in the order, that he could touch upon that beautiful harmony. If his little brother, the touch point into order refused it, then together with him, the two would be cut off from the world, and he would lose the world he gained through his little brother.

---Then, why did you fatally wound him?

He did not know the answer to that.