Book I, Act VIII: Daydreams of the Future and Nightmares of the Past, Chapter IV

Edited by: Bieverdog AO3: GalavantingGoose

Book I, Imbalance

Act VIII: Daydreams of the Future and Nightmares of the Past

Music: Heavy Rain - Angèle Dubeau https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZQ9n25o-9g&list=OLAK5uy_kt1wasdRpmAeliVoAUbKkdVBhCZBd6jCE&index=9

Chapter IV

The hot steam was rising to her face as she stared with dry eyes at the bowl in front of her, a pleasant aroma mingling with the heavy humidity in the room. A nurse placed the pieces of food in her mouth, and she chewed without thinking, without fighting. She had given up the struggle. She was surrounded; there was no point; she could never escape it. Anything she thought about it was just a delusion. She didn't get tired, didn't eat, wasn't human. It would haunt her wherever she went. Having walls around her made no difference when her own mind was her prison. She was sick, needed help; and they would keep her safe.

It repeated day after day. Anything not to see her, at least ignore her if possible. She was empty, had nothing, was nothing. She spent so many days in bed, she could have been mistaken for part of the furniture. Pale, immobile, unthinking, indifferent.

Sometimes, she had trouble remembering who she was, what she did, or why she was even there. Everything felt surreal, like in a dream, and she wondered when she would wake up. Intermittently, there were moments of pain, inexplicable sadness, a burning that crept up from her neck into her head. Then, there were moments where she remembered her only for an instant but the rage that gripped her was enough to leave marks. She dreaded those moments, the only ones where she could feel something, a fear she couldn't run from–

"Hello, Azula..." The voice was soft. She thought she knew it.

She looked around, but there was no one. "Who are you?"

"I'm sorry... I never meant for it to end like this..."

Her mind lit up, and she saw a blue-eyed girl in front of her, with her eyes downcast, teary. "No, listen to me; if I stay with you, they'll catch us both and send us back or worse. Is that what you want? I have to find out what's going on..." The girl's face didn't seem static, almost blurred, and her teary eyes were flashing from a deep blue to gray.

The girl tried to reach out, but she backed away; she couldn't hold her tears. "Azula..." Like a bolt of lightning, it came to her: Nozomi.

She jolted up. "I know you!"

"Please don't give up." Her voice was distant.

"You don't understand! I'm fine here. I'm not safe outside, not anymore..."

"Remember who you are."

"No, it's not safe. Don't–" Her blue eyes vanished, and Azula looked around confused, trying to find her. She was somewhere else, didn't know how she got there. A well-lit room. She squinted her eyes, trying to cover them with a hand, but her hand wouldn't move.

He was standing in front of her, holding a wooden cylinder with colorful engravings. She knew him; she was safe. "Good morning. I hope you liked your meal; I thought you would appreciate it." Her mind blanked at his sight.

Her eyes trailed off. "I– No... Where… Who am I?"

He smiled politely. "I thought we talked about it. Don't worry, we have time to talk. You're safe here." He held her arm.

She believed him. "Yes– Thank you."

The man carefully unstrapped the belts around her wrists and gave her the cylinder. "Take this; solve it." He sat in front of her, looking back expectantly.

Her eyes focused on it. The markings on it were in rings; they could move around and lock in place, all with different colors and letters. She thought she knew but couldn't understand. It felt exasperating not being able to know their meaning, yet she somehow felt it was so simple. Her hands gripped it so loosely that it slipped and fell.

The man picked it up disappointed. "Hmm… Let's move on."

Her vision dimmed. "Don't listen; you know who you are." It was Nozomi again.

Before she could respond, the man had placed a wooden tablet on her lap. It had ten square tiles that could fit perfectly in a one-column grid. "I want you to place these numbers in order." Like before, he sat and waited patiently, his eyes intensely focused on her.

She looked down on the tablet and had heard his instructions; and, indeed, the tiles were numbered. But she just couldn't tell what they meant. She knew yet… didn't–

"Remember." She saw a flash of images in succession: screams, that man, blood, and darkness. Frightened, she threw the board to the floor, the pieces flying everywhere.

The man, disappointed, put a hand to his chin and stood up. He turned around with his hands behind his back, silent for a while. "I thought we were making progress. Perhaps you need an incentive?"

Her body shuddered without warning. She was not well; it wasn't right. She wanted to avoid it at all costs. "No– I-I can."

The doctor looked at her and sighed. "Maybe you are not feeling like yourself today. How about a reminder? You know those help."

Anything, anything at all. "Y-yes, please, that would make me happy."

"Yes, remember that you are happy now. Keep that in mind today. Tomorrow you may try again." He gestured to a guard. "Take her back, please." And he walked away.

Her hands were fastened to the chair tightly. They moved her out of the room, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. Even though she saw nothing she knew, she felt she was there. "Why are you following me?"

The blue-eyed girl's face was familiar, like a word on the tip of your tongue. "I want to help you. Let me." Her voice was calm and soothing.

She shook her head. "I don't– I'm okay here. Leave me be."

"If only you knew."

Again, she had gotten somewhere else, didn't know where she was or how she had arrived–

A freckled girl sat in front of her. "Back from another one of his sessions? They really did you good up there, huh?" The girl paused for a response, staring at her. "Yeah, go back to pretending I don't exist, like that's going to fix anything.... At least, you're silent now."

"You know her too. Zirin, remember?" Zirin? She could see her laughing at her, she was sitting. "What's that Thing you're carrying there? Bring your pet over here." There were other girls around her, mocking them–

–Zirin glared at her angrily. "Tell your pet to behave, Savage. Doesn't it know it's rude to stare at people–

–She was waiting for her. Azula had a plan. "What's up, pet? For your sake, I hope you are not wasting my time."–

–Azula stood above Zirin. The girl looked back in fear but with a sense of conviction in her eyes. "...What should I do?"–

–"Where are you going?" She could see her fists stained in blood, sweat mixed with soot all over her face, bodies at their feet amongst cheering shouts. The freckled girl stared back with suspicion before running off–

"Stop!" Azula looked around desperately. She was in that room again, confused. She didn't want to get lost again. No more. She felt as if she had a hole in her head.

Zirin laughed. "Uh oh, should I worry about any ghosts?"

She covered her ears as the headache pierced harder. "I. Said. Stop. …Don't talk to me." Her ears buzzed.

The girl now looked concerned as Azula tried to get up. "Hey… You don't look so hot." Azula stumbled and fell; but instead of hitting the cold floor, she felt weightless.

She blinked then found herself lying on a patch of tall grass soaked with fresh morning dew. The sun shone on her face. She sat and looked around, only able to see plain fields of grass as far as the eye could see in all directions but one, where there was a tall, crooked tree. She walked towards it uncertain, the sound of crashing waves swelling as she neared. She felt like she knew the place, could see a girl looking towards the sea with her back to her and black, flowing hair that reached the base of her neck.

When she neared, the girl turned around and smiled sadly. "Hi again."

Nozomi. Azula sat beside her. "Why are you here? You shouldn't be. I thought you left."

"Said I'd come back for you, didn't I?"

"I never thought you would…What's going on?"

"I'm here so you don't forget." Her blue eyes drifted towards the sea.

No matter how hard she tried to think, there was nothing. "Why can't I remember anything?" She looked desperately at her friend for an answer. The waves sounded off, metallic? It was the sound of saw blades. Burnt flesh, a sharp pain to the back of her skull. Azula shuddered. "...H-he did that to me…"

Nozomi nodded with her eyes downcast. "But you are partly to blame. You are suppressing your thoughts, memories, feelings, everything that makes you you." Azula was speechless. Her friend took her hand. "I know it's painful; it hurts a lot. But I can't interfere. You have to make a choice. I came because you needed help. But I know it isn't easy, and I won't blame you if you choose to forget."

"You aren't real, aren't you?" Azula looked away.

She squeezed her hand harder. "To you, I am. Does that make any difference? Your past doesn't define you, Azula, but it is what led you to this moment, what made you who you are, with your qualities and flaws. On the other hand, you can choose to remain in blissful ignorance, with no pain, no feelings; but you know the price to pay for that."

"What if I refuse to choose anything at all?"

"Right now, your mind is split. you've been experiencing both at the same time: the apathy, constantly confused by a sense of familiarity you just can't put into words, that sudden sense of fear that comes out of nowhere, the pain. It went on for too long; and now, you've reached a turning point. I'm not sure you can take it anymore; you're getting worse." She was serious, sounded sad.

Azula paused for a moment. "So, I could just… end it all now."

By the look in her eyes, she knew it was an option. "I know how you feel… I was there once."

"I feel... dead inside."

"But that's not true is it? You care—I've seen it—no matter how many times you try to hide it."

Azula looked down at her hands. "Does it matter what's true anymore?"

"Perhaps not, but it's all we know, right? Even if it doesn't seem like it, there's always something worth living for. I would have never met you if that was the case. You helped me."

She stared limply at the grass. "If you say so…"

Nozomi placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, cheer up. Everything will work out one day; you'll see."

Azula tried to smile, but her mouth was stuck in a tired frown. "I think I'm ready now."

"Whatever you decide..." The words caught in her throat, and she smiled through tears.

Azula sat up to see an empty room. She took a deep breath, for she knew the place. She stood before a golden framed mirror. she saw two reflections of herself mirroring each other, one regal and confident, the other a pessimistic peasant–

Then, it shattered, cascading from the center, and all the shards fell before her, scattering over the red carpet beneath it. She walked slowly towards them. Looking down, she saw that each crystal shone with a different shade of the rainbow. From afar, each was like a mirage that shifted as she approached. She held one up, and a vibrant memory flashed through her eyes: the aroma of the salty sea air, voices of children laughing–

She dropped it like poisoned tea. Her eyes drifted to the other pieces that still shone. The shard she had just held was not shining anymore, simply a piece of refuse now. She looked over to the broken mirror. It was void, looked like a light trap, reflecting nothing. she passed her hand in front of it, but the reflection was still blank. Yet it began to ripple.

Azula picked up another piece, and a different sensation went through her body: pain, exhaustion, uncontrollable despair. She could barely see through her tears and a dense black cloud of smoke that surrounded her. Then it stopped; she had been ready for that. She realized that she had been holding the shard so tightly it had left cuts in her hand. With shaking hands, she set it in the mirror, and the crystal stuck in place, now showing her reflection.

She didn't know how long she spent picking up the pieces in that dark room. Each crystal was something new; something that struck her, whether it was with joy or sadness. A spectrum of emotions that she had never remembered were passing through her, filling parts of her memory that felt empty, making connections in empty spaces as if her mind were an intricate puzzle. She remembered parts of her childhood, her friends, her brother, betrayal, moments of glory; tried to discern before taking each piece which would be a good memory and which would be a bad one; but it was impossible for her to distinguish between the colors before taking each crystal.

Sometimes, she took them with fear; sometimes, with desire, always placing them back, completing the mirror, looking at parts of her diffuse reflection. But as each memory pieced her image together, a feeling of apprehension slowly grew as well, weighing her down to the point that she wanted to stop. She tried to hold back tears as the last memories she had found held nothing but pain and death. She looked at her half-completed reflection, disgusted by the person she saw, and felt an uncontrollable rage burning inside her chest. Only a sliver of hope buried deep inside held her back.

Azula tried to control her breathing, but it only quickened when she saw Mother standing behind her. In a fit of rage, she circled her fingers and pointed them at the mirror, blasting it with a blinding white lightning strike. The pulverized pieces of glass rained down like glittering raindrops. She turned around to face her, her fingers already pulsating with electricity, then stood still and silent. Her mother looked at her with heavy eyes, disappointed, maybe even sad, then smiled wickedly at her with a smile full of fangs.

Azula jolted awake. Her head was spinning, but she managed to support her body against the frame of her bed. She recognized the place, the dirty padded walls.

"You're alive? Gotta say I didn't expect that." She turned to look at her. Zirin. She seemed surprised.

"How long was I out?"

"Couple of hours at least." The girl lay with her head resting on pillowed hands, with a leg crossed over the other, and without a care in the world.

"Didn't think of calling anyone?"

Zirin shrugged. "What for? They'd think I did something to you then take us both. Figured I'd rather relax before they'd inevitably take me, but alas."

She stared flatly at her. "Thanks for having my back…" Azula made an effort to sit properly on her bed.

"What's gotten into you that you're so chatty now anyway?"

"You just said you were surprised that I was alive."

Zirin sat normally, facing her. "Well, I meant the reason why you aren't blabbering nonsense yet."

"Honestly, I don't know…" She looked down.

"Okay. As long as you don't snap and go crazy again, it's fine by me." Zirin kicked back again and relaxed.

"It's not like I can promise that."

"Of all the people I had to be stuck with here, it just had to be you. He probably did it on purpose…"

"Enjoying it?"

"Yes. I'm filled with joy. Look, we can both stay on our sides; we can just both pretend the other doesn't exist–you know, like I've been doing with you for the past weeks–and we should be able to pull through just fine."

"I don't see that going well."

Zirin scoffed. "Shouldn't even be here. They should get someone as crazy as you to keep you company, like the savage. You made a fine pair."

"Well, you are! What's a bunch of complaining going to do about it, huh? And talk about her again and I'll rip your tongue out."

"Pft. Whatever." She had rolled her eyes, judging by her tone.

Azula sighed. "...I think I'll take you up on that plan of yours..."

"At least, we can agree on something."

"Shut up."

Zirin gestured, amused. "As I was saying… It's simple. We do it like we did last time; only now, we'll have to fight harder because you made everyone paranoid since your last try. Oh, there's also that little detail that we're on the safest ward in the asylum; just throwing it out there. Also, filled to the brim with guards all hours of the day–"

"Could you please stop for now? I'm tired." Azula massaged her temples, for her mind was unable to bear anything else, and painfully rested her head on the pillow. It felt like pieces of broken glass pricking her scalp.

"Sure, we've got all the time in the world… What's a few more years?"

"If we keep going like this, it'll be a few more days." Azula exhaled and ignored the girl as best she could, closing her eyes. Even though no one spoke, she could hear amidst the silence an indistinguishable voice whispering something she couldn't understand nor had the energy to decipher. She tried her best to sleep.