Chapter 73

GABRIELA

Alex and I had left the house to go somewhere quieter to talk. Before we left, I went to Ana to tell her I'm going for a walk with Alex, to which she smiled and continued practicing what Santi had taught her.

We started walking and along the way we were silent until we reached the place Alex wanted to go. We sit on the floor and I stare at nothing. I really didn't want to talk about it, there's no need for him to listen to everything going in my head, because it would scare him and he would leave, I don't really know, I'm just sure I don't want to talk about it.

"My queen, I know it's difficult to talk about it, but you must get it out of yourself." My boyfriend said, "I honestly don't see it as necessary." I responded, shrugging my shoulders "Well it is. I'm not doing it to bother you, I really think you should get it out of yourself, it's hurting you, even if you don't want to see it. Ana is noticing and worrying about you. I'm no longer telling you to do it so I don't worry, I'm asking you to do it for Ana, she doesn't deserve to lose another mother."

"She will never lose me; I'll always be there for her." I assured, "I know, but she feels you're not being the Gabriela you were months ago; you're focusing on everyone but yourself, love." He said kindly "It helps me not think about it, that's why I do it. It's the only thing I can do to not start crying."

"That's good." He answered, but I denied, because I'm not so sure about that. "Well, it's not, I would feel terrible." I reported, "But after you let off your feelings out, you would feel better." He practically stated "I doubt it."

"I can try to help you beautiful; I mean it. I will do everything possible to achieve it, I promise." He responded by intertwining our fingers, "You don't have to promise, I know, and you're helping me, even if it doesn't seem like you do it. Sometimes I feel like everything is coming down on me and I will end up drowning, I just want to be calm, end all the shit in my life. I swear I love my life and everything, but sometimes I'm tired of living it."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, frowning. "Sometimes I wish I was able to leave everything behind, fuck it off, and be calm." I said, "You have a lot of pressure on you, it's normal for you to feel that way."

"You don't think like Carlota, do you?" I asked, focusing my gaze on his. "About what?" My boyfriend questioned, "She thinks I want to commit suicide or something, she won't leave me alone for a long time." I said, with a final sigh, "But you're not going to do that, are you?"

"I don't have enough guts or I guess I'm not tired enough of my life to do it." I responded, shrugging my shoulders. "I wouldn't let you do that." Alex assured, "I know; besides, I don't want you to suffer because of me, I would hate myself for that." I answered sincerely, "We would suffer with that, I'm more than sure that I would go after you without a second's hesitation."

"You wouldn't do that stupid thing in case I got tired of my life; I would find a way to stop you from doing it." I said, "Well, I don't know how, because you wouldn't be here." He countered, "I would have found a way sooner, but you shouldn't worry about that because I'm not going to do it." I said, "Of course not, I'll avoid that."

"I love you, my darling." I said, giving him a kiss, "Me too, but now tell me about Jack." He asked, "I don't know what you want me to tell you." I protested, closing my eyes. "What's the relationship you had with him that makes him feel so bad about you." He asked, "Nothing special really, it's just the way his life ended, it shouldn't have ended like that, much less Ana should have seen it."

"I know beautiful, but I'm sure you did everything you could to keep her from seeing it." He said and I denied, because I hadn't done it "No, I didn't. First of all, if I had left the apartment when he told me he would be fine. It's my fault he's dead."

At that moment I started to cry, because I'm more than sure that if I had left when Jack told me, he would be alive right now. Furthermore, to that is added if I had left at that moment Ana wouldn't have seen him die, she would be somewhat saddened by her father's death, but nothing more. Alex didn't hesitate for a second to hug me and we stayed like that for a long time. He didn't even let go when I stopped crying, it comforted me and made me feel better.

"Beautiful, let me tell you what happened to Jack wasn't your fault at all, it was Monica's fault, it was her who stabbed him and not you." He said convinced, and even though I know that's how it was, maybe if I had listened to Jack, we wouldn't be in this situation. "She's sick, Alex."

"I know, but that doesn't mean she can go around murdering." He countered "I still think it's not Mónica's fault, if I…" I started, but Alex ended up putting a finger on my lips, making me not finish saying what I wanted "You can't really know what would pass. Beautiful, you're not to blame for what happened. No one blames you for what happened with Jack."

"I know, but I feel really bad about it." I responded "I know, but don't worry about it, we'll get through it together, ok?" He asked "Ok." We kissed and continued hugging for a while until I started to get cold and we went to my house. I could tell there wasn't as much weight on my shoulders anymore, the guilt is still there, but it's a little less than it was this morning.

When we get home, Ana soon comes to me and hugs me, which I gladly accept. It's at that moment I notice they are looking at me strangely, everyone except Alex and Ana, and it made me nervous because they were practically staring at me, and I hated being watched for so long.

Luckily for me, Ana wanted to show me something that from what she told me she had learned today with the guitar. It doesn't take us long to get to my room, and the first thing she does is tell me to sit in one of the armchairs there. "What have you learned today, sweetheart?" I asked, "Santi helped me finish writing a song, and I wanted to show it to you before anyone else, maybe it will help you feel better."

"Thank you honey, I'm sure I'll feel better." Ana picked up the guitar and sat on the couch in front of me. While she was playing you could tell she felt what she's playing and I'm excited she felt it in herself, plus that melody is beautiful, just like Alex's, but if they told me to choose between any of them, I wouldn't be able to, I love both of them reached my heart.

When he finished, he got up from the couch, walked over, sat on my lap and looked at me. "What did you think, mommy?" the little girl asks "I love it, it's beautiful, sweetheart." I said, with a smile on my face "Really?" She asked as if surprised by what I said. "Really, one day I will record you and listen to it all day."

"And did it help?" Ana questioned and I frowned. "What do you mean?" I asked "Are you better?" She specified "Much better." I responded "So can we play for a bit?" the girl asked with a smile starting to form on her face "Of course, if you want, we can tell Alex to come too."

"I want him to come, he's the only one I can easily beat." She said laughing and I couldn't help but do the same looking towards my boyfriend "You've got him conquered." I said, "I didn't like him too much at first."

"Why?" I asked, frowning again. "I was afraid he would take away your affection." He responded, looking forward, "Hey, no one will take my love from you, you're my girl and no one will be able to take away the love I have for you." I responded, stopping her and making her gaze meet mine. "Nor Alex?" she asked "Nor Alex, but I'm more than sure he wouldn't do that, he's fond of you too."

"Won't you stop loving me when you two decide to have a child?" Ana asked and I denied "Of course not, as I already told you, you're my girl, you could say you're my daughter, there's no way I could get the affection out of you." I assured, "I love you so much, mommy." She responded hugging me, "Me too honey, now let's go play."

With that, she got up from my lap and headed towards the door. It didn't take me too long to follow her, but an idea was running through my head. I loved Ana as if she were my daughter and since she called me mommy, maybe I could adopt her, of course I would ask both Carlos and Marcos what they think, but if they accepted I would have no problem doing so, they would continue to have the same rights as they have had now, that's something I would never take from them, after all they are her brothers and they had more rights than me, but the only thing that mattered to me is making Ana happy, basically it's the only thing what mattered to me at this moment apart from my family, Alex and my siblings, although she's the one who received the most attention so to speak.