The Pain in my Soul
I'm in the bathroom, looking at the scale I'm standing on. A tear escapes my eye and rolls over my cheek, and I don't even try to wipe it away. 88,5 kg it says. I forgot to take my medication for one simple day, and I've already gained 800 grams. How on earth is this possible? I sit down on the rim of the bath and try to still my shaking hands, while the thoughts in my head take me back a couple of years.
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I met Natasha Romanoff through SHIELD. The two of us were sent on a mission together, which we had completed with ease. The fact that we matched each other in our physical capabilities came as no surprise, but the fact that we liked each other's presence did. It turned out we had the same outlook on life, the same sense of sarcastic humor and the same 'pain only makes you stronger' mindset. Being in her presence felt natural and comfortable, something that I had never experienced with anyone else. I knew about her past as a Black Widow, but since she didn't feel the need to talk about it, I didn't ask. In return, she treated me with the same level of respect. My past was nothing compared to hers, but it still qualified as 'pretty fucked up'. Father leaving me when I was a baby because I was bothering him with my crying and a mother who only got pregnant to keep my father trapped with her. Something which obviously didn't work out, meaning I had failed at my first mission when I was only 9 months old. What followed were years of physical and mental abuse, neglect and living nightmares. I escaped when I was 16 years old, roaming the streets and trying to survive. It was Maria Hill who found me as she was finishing up a mission and took me under her wing. She became my foster mother, something she would never admit if you asked her. Maria was very private with her emotions, which made a lot of sense since she was the Deputy Director of SHIELD. She trained me herself, making sure she covered all of the bases. There was nothing she missed. Martial arts, guns, camouflage, bow and arrows, interrogations, withstanding pain… We covered it all and it turned me in one of SHIELD's top agents. A title I was very proud of.
By the time I was 26, Natasha and I were a regular team. The combination you could count on to get things done and not return until the mission was completed. Clint often accompanied us, him and Nat also going on missions alone from time to time, and while I knew that Natasha felt a sisterly bond towards him, I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I've never had any problems with Barton. We got along just fine and always got the job done while cracking a joke in the meantime. But I would never see him as my brother. Something that Natasha did and I could not help but feel jealous about it. The weird thing was that I didn't even want her to see me as a sister, it was the deep and intimate bond between them I was jealous of. But I would never admit this, not to her and not to myself. Love was a weakness and I would not be beaten by something as stupid as that.
I was 28 when the accident happened. I was on a mission with Nat and Clint, and as always everything was going according to plan. We just had to get back to the plane and we were ready to go. Maria had already been contacted to let her know the mission was a success and we would be home in about an hour. But when we arrived at the jet we walked straight into an HYDRA ambush. It was no big deal, we were trained to stand our ground even in situations like this. But somehow all of us missed the sniper stationed in the open window of one of the buildings surrounding the plane. I still don't know how we missed that important detail, we were trained to be better than that. But the point was that we did. Clint was planting his arrows into enemy bodies and Nat was using her battle batons to take care of them when I had just shot down the last of the agents standing in my immediate vicinity. I took a moment to scan the area behind me and that's when the glistering of the sun bouncing of the riffle gave away the man's location. It was pointed right at the redhead and my heart squeezed in fear. My calculations told me that from the position I was standing in shooting him was not an option and calling for Natasha to get out of the way would only distract her, probably giving the men who she was fighting the opportunity to land a hit. The only thing I could do was run and position myself between her and the bullet, while praying it would not go through me and reach its goal. After pulling a sprint I did exactly that, and the only thing I could feel next was excruciating pain going through every part of my body. It was as if all the air had been knocked out of my lungs and I fell to my knees, trying my best to see whether Natasha had been hurt. She wasn't. Relief rushed through me and the last thing I remembered was looking at the sky, thinking it was weird that it was getting black when it was only midday. The thing that followed next was complete darkness.
Waking up was scary, there was no other way to explain it. The moment I came to, I was immediately filled with fear a blinding panic caused me to start screaming and thrashing around. I could hear high beeps filling the room, indicating my heart rate was too high. I did not care. 2 pair of strong hands pinned me down and a red and brown blur filled my vision. "успокаивать! (calm down)"
I tried to focus my attention on the owner of the voice who just spoke to me, something I was not very successful in.
"Daughter, calm down. You're safe." Daughter… The only person who called me that, when it was just the two of us alone, was…
"M-Maria…?" The name was just a whisper leaving my lips but it was enough, they heard it.
"Yes." A short but concise answer, just the way my foster mother was.
I could feel the fear subsiding a little bit, it was still there but it was no longer clouding my ability to think. If Maria was with me, it had to mean we were back in the SHIELD headquarters.
"We're going to let go of you now, will you stay calm?"
A nod of my head was the confirmation they needed, and slowly they let go of my arms. I lay very still with my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing and my heart rate. Remembering the training Maria had given me I created a metal box and stored the fear I was feeling away in it. Fear was an emotion which served no purpose, it only clouded your mind and made you incapable of clear thinking. After a while I slowly opened my eyes, capable of seeing clearly again thanks to the fact that I had managed to calm myself down. The brown and red blur turned out to be Maria and … Natasha. I'm not sure why, but I was surprised to see her there.
"Tell me." Maria's voice drew my attention back to her. "Since when is jumping in front of a bullet part of your SHIELD training?"
I tried to give her a small smile, which quickly turned into a grimace feeling the pain it caused. "Maybe you should make it part of the training Hill, that way I would have been prepared for this shitload of pain."
I could see Maria's lips becoming a thin line, clearly not amused by the answer. She opened her mouth, ready to reply, but instead only a small sigh came out. She took my hand into her own, and when she looked into my eyes I could see emotions brewing behind hers. I was not used to her showing this amount of affection and it made me nervous. I had always known that she loved me, but that it was something she was not capable of saying out loud. It was okay that way, we both knew what the other felt and what we meant to each other without having to say it. "Just… Don't scare me like that again, got it? I'm not ready to lose you yet."
I took a moment to let her words sink in, and even though I tried to, I couldn't deny that they warmed my heart. "You got it mum."
She squeezed my fingers very softly, being careful to not put me in even more pain then I already was. "And where do you think you're going Romanoff?"
Hearing Maria's words I turned my attention to the red head, only to see that she was just about to walk out of the room. An uncomfortable cough came out of Natasha's mouth before the words "I don't think I'm supposed to be part of this… whatever this is" followed.
"Nonsense."
Maria's voice was back to the stern tone she always used, and after putting down my hand she stood up. "I need to give Fury an update so I need you to look after her, can you do that Romanoff?"
I could see Natasha looking at me when a small smile took place on her lips. "Yes Ma'am."
As Maria left the room, she sat down on the chair next to me.
"Don't you have a mission to complete Nat?" I asked her, not wanting to be the reason the famous Black Widow would not be fit for action the next couple of days.
"Don't you know?" She asked me while tilting her head to the side.
"Don't I know what?"
"Taking care of you is my mission, моя любовь (my love)."
The fact that this was the beginning of my relationship with Natasha was of course a beautiful thing.
The fact that this accident would be the end of my life at SHIELD, was not.
Natasha kept her promise and she took care of me in every way she could. The healing process was a long one and she was there with me every step of the way. Encouraging me, supporting me, loving me. I did not understand why I was the one capable of capturing the Black Widow's broken heart, I still don't, but I was forever grateful for it. I was discharged from the hospital after a couple of weeks and was allowed to start training again, so I could build up my muscles once more. But very soon I noticed the terrible pain I felt in my back was not reducing at all, quite the opposite. I tried to work and fight through it as much as I could, just like I had been taught, but that only resulted in me sometimes needing a cane to be capable of moving around. When Natasha demanded I would point this out to the medical team, the doctors jumped on it, looking for a way to remove the pain from my existence. But they couldn't. They discussed multiple procedures but came to the conclusion that operating on me would not fix the pain I was feeling.
Natasha was with me when the chief physician entered my room accompanied by Maria and Fury. A bad feeling washed over me seeing all of them gathering and while the childish part of me wanted to cover her ears and ignore their existence, I sat up as much as I could in my chair to give them the impression that I was undefeatable. SHIELD training 101. But the news they brought was something that broke me all the same. I had caught the bullet in my back and even though they operated on me as soon as possible and did all they could, it had not been enough. I had irreplaceable and unfixable nerve and muscle damage in my back, and the pain would never go away. I kept looking at them with a straight face, not showing them the hurt in my heart I was feeling. I began making a statement about how I would learn to fight with the pain, it was just another thing I would have to learn, but before I could even finish it Fury shook his head.
"I'm sorry, but we cannot take that risk. Not for your own safely and not for that of your teammates. You are no longer allowed to be on duty."
It felt as if all air was knocked out of me and I clenched my hands into fists, so hard that my knuckles turned as white as snow. SHIELD was my home, my family, my life… And all of it was being taken away from me. Just because I had missed that stupid man in the window.
"You will be placed in a safe house in New York where you will continue to be under the protection of SHIELD. You have made a lot of enemies and your contribution to this division has been immense, so we will keep protecting you and make sure you have everything you need. Money will not be something you'll have to worry about. We will get you appointments with a doctor in the city and you will take on a fake identity."
I heard Fury's words but it was as if they were going right through me. Not only was I no longer on duty, I was being kicked out of the Helicarrier. The only safe space I had ever had in my life. If I was no longer capable of being an addition to the team, they needed this space for someone who was still useful. My head snapped to Natasha as she was standing up, ready to address the people in the room.
"I am going with her."
Fury shook his head. "We need you on missions Romanoff, together with Barton."
"And I will still go on missions, but the time I am not working I will spend in her home. Our home. That way I can personally keep an eye on her and while still being available for the work you need me to do." Her voice left no room for discussion.
Fury took a moment to think and then he nodded, showing his agreement. "Fine."
He walked towards me and held out his hand, which I shook with as much power as possible. "Thank you for your service, your name will forever be written in our history."
With a small not he turned around and left the room together with the doctor, leaving Maria, Natasha and me behind. The brunette walked towards me and crouched in front of me, taking my hands into her own. "I'll visit you when I can get some time off, and never forget, you are and always will be my daughter."
The house was of medium size and furnished quite practically, as expected from a SHIELD safe house. It was close to the public transport and next to a lovely park. It had a huge bed and all of the newest technology, including a state of the art kitchen. Maria must have arranged that last part, she knew that I loved to cook. The first couple of days Natasha had spend with me were pretty okay, but then she was send on a mission for an unknown amount of time and I was left all on my own. I discovered that cooking was something that was hurting me now and that seeing your hobby turn into a negative thing was not good for your mental health. Also, there were only so much shows you could binge watch before you got bored. I had no friends, well at least none outside of SHIELD. There was nobody I could call to have a chat with. My girlfriend was on a mission with one of my only other friends. My foster mother was helping Fury lead SHIELD and would not really have the time to have a boring chat about the weather. And the couple of members I got along with quite nicely were never qualified as friends, so I knew I would not hear from them now that I was no longer part of the organization. They had already disappeared when it had become quite clear I would not be capable of going back in the field. I tried my best to keep my skills as much up to date as possible, practicing hacking into websites for example, and continued to try to fight through the pain and get as much exercise as I could. I felt very naked without my guns with me, especially now that I was no longer capable of protecting myself physically the way I used to. I send Nat a message asking her if she could sneak some in for me, but as expected there was no reply.
And that's how the day came for me to go to my first doctor appointment. Alone. I tried my best to blend in as much as possible, but seeing a 28 year old seemingly healthy woman walk around with a cane was just something that simply caught people's attention. They kept staring at me and I could hear the whispers about how I was undeserving of the disabled seat on the bus. I plugged in my headphones to ignore them, looking out the window so I would memorize the route in case I needed it. Arriving at the practice exactly on time I discovered that non SHIELD doctors apparently had the habit of being late. Very late. We had never been allowed to be late, you would have to do 50 sit ups for every minute you were overtime. A sigh left my lips, what had my life become. 37 minutes late the doctor finally called my name and I entered the room, full of hope and expectations. Something that would soon be gone. He asked some basic information about me, and I gave him all the answers that fitted my fake ID's story. 28 year old horse back rider that hurt her back in a riding accident and was no longer capable of performing her job. The man barely listened to the answers I gave, like he had already decided I was a lost cause.
"Here, take these medications. One pill every evening." He said while handing me a paper. The name Cymbalta was written on it.
"Will this help me with my pain and allow me to get back to work?"
"Sure, I'll see you again in 6 months. Pay at the front desk please."
And with these words he left the room, not even looking back. I shook my head, the doctors I was used to were nothing compared to this. But since I was no longer part of SHIELD, I would have to make do. Because apparently over here you could not just go to any doctor you wanted, I had to go to this uninterested bastard. After paying way too much money for 5 minutes of someone's time, I went back home.
I took the medication full of hope, wishing for them to help so that I could get back to the life I had before. But it did nothing for my pain, and it took me a while before I started realizing that it was creating more problems than it was fixing.
One day I was getting dressed when I noticed that I could not close the button of my favorite jeans anymore. I stepped on the scale I hadn't used in a long time, and seeing the 75kg startled me. I had gained 5 kilo's without me noticing. The only reason I could think of for me gaining this weight was the fact I was barely working out and was eating more than I used to. I decided I would eat less, which was very hard since I was hungry all of the time. It did not matter, because the next time I weighed myself another 2 kilo's were added. I started wondering whether this was being caused by the Cymbalta medication and made a mental note to ask the doctor when I saw him again, which would be in 3 months time. I decided to go for some loose sweatpants and walked downstairs, desperation filling my soul. Feeling completely alone, I grabbed my phone from the kitchen table and called Natasha's number. It instantly went over to voicemail, the robotic voice informing me that the person I tried to call was not available right now and that I could leave a message after the beep.
"Hey Nat, it's me. I know you're on a mission right now, but I just want to let you know that I miss you and I hope you're back soon. The last 3 months have been…" I thought of all the words popping up in my head: hard, hell, a nightmare, unreal. "kind of tough so I would love to have you around again. Anyway, take care, come back alive and say hi to Barton from me."
I ended the call and put the phone back on the table. I turned around looking at the kitchen and my stomach rumbled with the thought of food. After a moment I walked away, ignoring the hungry feeling going through me.
3 months had passed and I was returning home after going to my check up appointment. The doctor informed me that the medication had no weight gaining side effect and that it was probably because I was not exercising enough and was eating too much. I was another 8 kilo's heavier, bringing the total to 85 kilo's now. When I told him that the pills were not helping with my pain, he said they probably were but I was already used to this new level of pain. If I would stop taking them, it would be much worse again. So I had to take the pills, eat less and work out more. He didn't know that I was barely eating anything, just enough to keep my body going. And that I was trying so, SO hard to exercise as much as my body allowed me. I got off the bus at my stop and walked towards the house. I knew that there were SHIELD agents keeping an eye on me from the shadows. When Fury promised you protection, he lived up to that promise. But I also knew they would make no contact with me, since they had gotten that specific order. So that I could get used to my new life, a life of misery. I opened the door with my keys, stepped out of my shoes and walked into the living room. Seeing my favorite red head lying on my couch, seemingly asleep, stopped me in my tracks. Natasha was here. She had returned to me, to… to a person who was only shadow of who she used to be. I looked at how her red locks were dirty and messy, and noticed the same could be said about her suit. Her suit, she was wearing her suit. Which meant that she must have come here straight after her mission had been completed…
"Are you going to keep staring at me from a distance?" A smile tugged on her lips as she made this comment.
"N-Nat?" My voice was but a whisper.
I was scared to get closer, convinced about the fact that she would disappear into smoke the moment I put one step in her direction. She sat up straight, and I could see that there was some dried blood on her face coming from a cut on her forehead and that she was also getting a big bruise on her neck.
"What are you doing here?"
"If my memory serves me well, дорогой (my dear), we agreed that I would spent my time between missions here with you, at home. So where else would I be?"
She stood up from the sofa and walked towards me. Besides dirty and tired, this was the Natasha I remembered. But I was not the same woman she knew from 6 months ago. I was no longer toned and skinny. Instead I was an out of shape fat girl.
"Oh, the guns are in the bag. I got you 2 Clock 26s', the ones you always liked to use." A nod of her head made me look at the black bag that was thrown in a corner.
"You got me guns?" I asked, still unsure of how to react in this unexpected situation.
"Of course, you asked for them, didn't you?"
She had crossed the distance between us and was close enough to see my pale skin and the dark bags under my eyes. She took my hand in her own and with the softest voice ever, she asked: "Darling, are you okay?"
I broke. Months of suppressing my emotions finally caught up with me. She must have caught me before I could fall to the floor because my legs stopped working and down I went. Hanging into her arms the tears started streaming over my face. Very softly she sat down on the floor and pulled me into her lap, hiding me from the world in her warm embrace. There were no words spoken, the pain was so very present that they were not needed. Her suit turned into a wet piece of clothing and Natasha's dirt was smudged on my face. It did not matter. She was here, she would fix me. She had to, because what else would I do.
After god knows how long, she scooped me up in her strong arms and carried me to the bathroom. She placed me on the floor as she started the water for a hot bath and I just sat there, lost in the darkness of my soul. I could see her step out of her Black Widow suit and when she was finally freed of the pieces of clothing she had been wearing, she started removing mine. Pulling my shirt over my head, unclasping the bra next, and she finished with wiggling my trousers off of me. I tried to cover my naked body from her as much as possible, not wanting her to see me like this, but she did not allow it. Softly she wrenched them to the side, and gave me a kiss on my collarbone. As gently as possible she picked me up and placed me in the bathtub, in between her legs. With soft movements she started washing my hair, taking her time for every step of the process. I'm sure nobody would have thought Natasha Romanoff to be capable of such gentleness. The hands that had killed many men and women alike for the last 6 months, were now cherishing me as if I was the most precious thing in the world.
"Why?" I whispered, not sure if she would hear me.
But of course she did. "Why what?"
"Why did you come back?"
She didn't stop the movements of her hands, taking the time to untangle every knot she found in my hair.
"Because you are my girlfriend and I missed you. Why would I not come back?"
I kept silent, the storm of thoughts raging through my head.
"Because…"
I fell silent once again, listening to the voice inside of me telling me how unworthy I was of her love. How she could never love a… a monster like me.
"Out with it." She pulled my hair very softly, reinforcing her statement.
"Because I'm not worthy of your love. I lost my fighting skills. I gained so much weight, there's no way you still find me attractive when I look like this. I'm fat, and…"
Her finger went to my lips, preventing me from continuing my rant.
"Don't you ever talk about the love of my life like that again. You're as beautiful as the day I met you, and that you weigh more just means there's more of you to love."
It was 1.5 year later that I finally managed to make the decision to stop with the medication, that no reduction of pain was worth the situation I was in now. I stopped gaining weight once I reached about 95kg. I'm not sure why I continued taking the medication for 2 whole years while knowing they did nothing for the pain. I guess a part of me kept hoping that one day it would start working, I just had to wait long enough. I just had to try hard enough.
And I did wait, and I did try, but it changed absolutely nothing. Natasha had made sure she was no longer gone for huge periods of time. One month was the longest her missions were now. It helped, knowing she kept coming back to me. But I still had the feeling I was unworthy of her love, that I was a monster and that she would be better off with someone else. However, the last time I tried bringing that up she hit me with one of the pillows, snarling at me in Russian curse words. I did not bring it up again after that, even though the thoughts went through my head nearly every hour of every single day.
Half a year later Natasha managed to pull some strings, and I could go and see an actual SHIELD doctor. Fury always had a soft spot for her, even though he would never admit it, and she used it in her advantage. Or rather my advantage.
It was in a hidden away location in New York which Natasha escorted me to, and at 3pm exactly the doors opened and I was let in. This strictness felt like coming home and I could feel a bit of tension leaving my body.
"So, one of SHIELD's previous top agents is visiting me. What can I do for you?"
The doctor listened to everything I had to say, from the accident to the permanent pain and the weight gain.
"So you're telling me that except for medication, they never tried any alternative way of stopping your pain?" The doctor's voice asked me, and I nodded in agreement.
"That's right."
He took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "It's always the same with those so called doctors. Thinking a simple pill will solve everything. And the same goes to the Helicarrier crew, always thinking they know it better than all the rest of us. If they can't operate the problem away, they think there's nothing left to do."
A couple of silent seconds filled the room, the doctor thinking about what to say next and Natasha and I were ready to listen to the information he was about to give us.
"First of all, I think it's important that you know that the weight gain is not your fault. There's a side effect of Cymbalta they don't want people do know. It completely ruins your metabolism. That's the reason why you've been incapable of losing weight, because every little thing you eat turns into calories that stay. Sadly enough stopping with the medication is not enough the fix the damage it creates. I don't understand why the product is still on the market."
It took a moment for his words to sink in, but as soon as they did a mixture of feelings filled my body. Anger, relief, frustration… Natasha took my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze, while keeping her eyes pinned on the doctor.
"Can you do something to fix it?" I asked, the fear I was feeling in my heart not present in my voice.
"I will try my very best. We need to look at 2 different paths in your case. The pain problem, and the weight problem. Since the weight is only adding more pressure on your joints and muscles this has priority in my professional opinion. I will start by giving you injections, or better said, you will inject yourself daily with this product named Saxenda. It will get your metabolism working again and will stop the feeling of constant hunger for a big part. But make sure that when you feel full while eating, you listen to that feeling. Otherwise you will be throwing up."
I had been a high class spy for 12 years, injecting myself with needles would be child's play.
"Got it. Restarts metabolism, makes me less hungry, and when I eat too much and I'll throw up. What about the pain? Is there a way for you to fix that?"
The doctor put his glasses back on and nodded.
"Yes, well at least part of it. We will burn through the nerves that are responsible for your pain. First you'll come back here and we will do some tests. We will numb the nerves with infiltrations, just so we are 100% sure that the pain you are feeling is indeed coming from these places. This treatment should get you settled for about a year, if it is effective of course. It's a painful procedure but nothing you're not used to I would assume."
I listened to his words with disbelief. Could it really be this simple? Was there really a solution to my problems, a solution that the previous doctors refused to think of?
"Is there… Is there a chance I could become a SHIELD agent again?" I asked with shaking hands.
"I cannot answer that question yet, but it's not out of the question. Time will tell"
The first instinct I had was to cry, the hope and relief I was feeling at this very moment were so intense that it was the only thing I wanted to do. But I didn't. If I was to get a chance at becoming an agent again, step one would be to have complete control over my emotions again.
I cleared my throat and with a voice that hadn't held this much power in a while, and said: "So, what are we waiting for?"
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2 months have passed since I met that doctor, or as I would call him in my head, my angel. The treatments he suggested were working better than I could have possibly hoped for. It was the first time in years that the pain was driven to the background and it was no longer the center of my existence. I started working out again, little bits at a time. I was still tired after 10 minutes of exercise but was determined to get back to the point I had been before the accident. Natasha had given herself the task of coaching me through it. The injections I gave myself daily were like a miracle cure, I had lost 8 kilo's already. But every time I stepped on the scales I was terrified of what I would see.
Yesterday had been Christmas, and Maria managed to get some time off and surprise me with a visit. I loved the fact that Natasha was there to spend it with me, we even had a small Christmas tree set up with some gifts underneath. It was one of the first days that I was not as nauseous as I usually was from the medication, so I ate a little bit more then usually. It was a very pleasant evening, filled with laughter, stories and hope. I had made Natasha some cozy socks in her favorite color red, knitting was something I had tried to get the hang of these last 6 months. I got her a book full of poems from her favorite writer, and last but not least a getaway trip for her and her sister Yelena. In return she had bought me the most beautiful pair of jewelry I had ever seen. It consisted of a necklace and some earrings, both in the deepest red you could even imagine. Maria gave me a new gun. It was very small and practical so you could hide it in your clothing. I felt very guilty for not getting her something, but she told me that spending time with me for the first time in 6 months was enough of a gift for her.
The problem is that because of the cozy night, I had forgotten to inject myself. For the first time ever. So when I stepped on the scale this morning, it said 88.5 kg. Forgetting to take my medication had caused me to gain 800 grams in one night. Desperation filled me as I was sitting on the edge of the bath. I was so stupid, so fat, such a lost cause. I was despicable.
"What's wrong дорогой (darling)?" Natasha is standing in the doorway, looking at me with worry in her eyes.
"I forgot to take my medication last night." A sob follows my words.
She walks towards me and uses her index finger to push my chin up, forcing me to look into her eyes.
"What's the damage?"
"800 grams."
I feel extremely embarrassed admitting it to her. She was probably thinking I was a failure, not even capable of taking my medication. She lets go of my chin and softly pulls my head against her stomach while I am still sitting on the bath.
"It's okay."
I scoff in disagreement.
"It's not."
"Yes it is. You're getting this medicine because your metabolism is broken. You forgetting to inject yourself prevented the metabolism from working the way it should last night. You can go and do it now, than there will only be half a day of damage instead of an entire day. In a couple of days it will be gone again, trust me."
Even though I try, I can not stop the tears from rolling over my cheeks. Of course I trust her, and I want to believe her but the thoughts in my head were saying the exact opposite.
"Besides, do you remember what I said?"
She stands up straight and offers me her hands, pulling me up on my feet.
"Crying is weak and pointless?" I mumble, referencing our SHIELD training.
"Yes, sure, but that's not what I'm talking about now."
"Then what are you talking about?"
"The more you weigh, the more there is for me to love."
She plants a soft kiss on my lips, and I can't help but relax into her touch.
"Let's go, tomorrow is another day. And I'm sure I can hear a hungry Maria about to plunder our fridge, something I'm not sure it will survive."
She kisses me again with a bit more force this time. As we break apart I rest my forehead against hers.
"милый (sweetie)?" I started learning Russian, trying to understand this part of Natasha better and to show her that I embrace every piece of her. Even her dark past.
"Hmm?"
"I love you."
I can see a smile cross her lips.
"I love you too. Just you wait... In a year the two of us will be going on missions again, mark my words."
Is there perfection in imperfection?
Or is that just a personal projection?
I look at my own reflection,
With mental disconnection.
The only thing I see is rejection,
Everything needs a correction.
Especially my midsection,
There is no perfection.
Only objection,
To the imperfection.