A bad Angel

I don't know why my heart likes beating that every time. it beats and it feels son sad, the only thing i know foe sure is that not me, it's someone else, someone who don't deserve this life they live by talking there own life out of will she took her own life out of grief because he felt lost, alone, stuck, and endless loop of despair. this sadness this pain and this ache was always there, but all i could was a scream at my self with all the words in the world, then i realized no one could hear me scream anymore. as i wanted to scream to them, to whoever it might be for some reason all these words couldn't hit the right tone because. i knew, that the parson hearing would never know that they could stopped the moment. they could never see the true pain that was weighing on both us, or feeling the guilt that we are blame to everything. my mind had taken something away from me at that night. something i truly grasp because it felt a little too real explain to anyone else, everything felt stripped down, it felt as though we are walking through the dark water but deep into the bottomless pit of depression and lose, i found what i was looking for "Hope'' a hope in the form of broken soul, hoping for answers, wishing for the things i wanted to believe in no matter how impossible that may sound, Hope to find someone for love, someone for joy, someone for to share the life with, hope for an end to the darkness of our minds, that is so easily sucked into that negative thoughts, hope for love, hope for joy, for fun, hope for future where we can start it over again, maybe that's why this song has been stuck in my head, because of feelings that come with it. we see so many peoples going through the same thing that we are experiencing but think the worst won't ever happen to us, so we just hold onto our dreams and hopes that some day we will find that person, they will somehow save us, sometime the best hope will last forever but sometimes that never happens, instead we keep pushing hope for the shake of keeping ourselves strong, but ultimately letting all hope fall apart to nothing, because the truth is, the hope is more then a dream it is reality, Reality is where hopes leaves off. so when you stop living each day as it were the last one when you realize you are in the middle of nightmare. but your hope, your faith keeps moving your feet forward. you learn not to loss the fight for tomorrow, if you are anything like yourself, you know now that nothing matter in long run, nothing really until a millions years later, that is the beauty of this world, every single second no other world, no other universe, is any different, only us and our hearts, because if our hearts are not filled with joy, love, peace, and happiness then what's the point of creating the hole life for ourselves? what is the purpose of doing what ever it takes to make it happen? why bring happiness in the world if the pain worth it? if that dose not that world is hopeless? if it isn't the answers of infinite questions why?

Sitting here staring at this empty chair hella fun, Hella fun is the sense of being able to sit here and pretend things don't exist, at least most of the days i am alive, sitting in this can little bit more bearable. which i guess is kind of nice because honestly i feel i am like a zombie who's been here way longer then i should been alive, the constant fear, the loneliness, even after being around the one that cares about me enough. not only my sisters but my friends that i have known my entire life. everyone who ever comes up to me and said hello, and everyone that ever asked me to talk, everyone who knew that i was there and cared for me, i know that could say the same all of them, i am literally an old lady who can't tell jokes anymore, although maybe that isn't the case or maybe it is, but it still bothers in way more way then one. in fact it's probably not really my fault. because i am supposed to laugh anyway, supposed to let joy consume you, those feelings that have been locked in such for a long time will never leave, because that is what love feels like, love feel likes acceptance and knowing all is okay, and that no matter how get hard it is, love always find another way to get us through it. without judgement, without the fear of judgement, just acceptance, acceptance that is not accepted for all shake of accepting, but accept because it is accepted, it makes feel you love, believes in you and knows that you are loved, your family that's what love feels like, a feels like caring and wanting to be involved and having your mind made up rather then needing to reply to your partner to care for things that you should take care of on your own, loving someone completely means loving your life. there is no other way to see things, making decisions, choosing the trusting your judgement and choices fully, even if it means sacrificing your relationship with your friends and family. Even when it comes first. When everything is considered and all options are weighed