Last chapter - 23 February 2024

It's been a year since my last entry.

A whole year and a few months have passed since the beginning of all this and I can confidently say it's rested it's case. It's over. Done. Dusted.

Something I tried to do for all these months happened in the most fever dream-like and disappointing way ever, but it was what I wanted so as hurt and confused as I was I couldn't complain.

I want to start by saying I love you a lot. I hope I can love someone else as much in the future.

I also wanted to confess I lied. There's nobody else. I made them up to put an end to this. Toxic I know, but I didn't want to hurt a real person and If I didn't make them up I would have hurt someone other than us at some point.

You didn't care and continued to try because our circumstance meant you never had a chance to begin with so you would settle with what you could get, but last night, after we met, something clicked. I'm not sure what it was because I had repeated it often and yet you never cared then. Suddenly, it was your main reason. Suddenly, it bothered you to hurt someone.

I was feeling a mix of confusion, worry, relief, and hurt all at once. I hadn't wanted to see you today after what happened last night and yet I wasn't sure if I wanted it to end like this either. But you made your decision and it was probably the most mature you felt to me since I've met you.

All I could say was that you were right. 

And then you were gone, just like that.

I know you won't be back for a while. I'm not sure what happened to you, but something clicked in place for you. Maybe you could tell I lied. Maybe the lie overwhelmed you. You said our situation overwhelmed you and you were overthinking how temporary it was. But what about when I said that? Why did it take so long for the jigsaw to fall into place for you?

To be honest, it doesn't feel as bad as before. Last night I felt our incompatibility which was strange because the last I didn't feel anything of the sort. I felt like you had something sinister planned, but you couldn't go through with it. You're not a bad person. You mulled over it last night and you decided to leave just like that. Because you somehow decided you had done the worst of it.

Was it because of my gift? The clear affection I had for you?

The fact I would never be yours?

You travelled 14 hours to see me for 1 hour and then you left.

I hope you have someone to speak to about this because I don't and find writing it to be my relief. I love you and I wish you the best. I genuinely mean that. You were my best friend. A soft shoulder during a hard time. I hope I meant as much to you or anything close even.

Please don't come back here for a while, until I'm calmer waters and until you've moved on. Please don't beat yourself up over this, it was our guilt to share. And when or if you do come back I'll tell you the truth although it may just have you leaving again. 

I love you C.