2. Anniversary

SANTI'S POV

At this moment I'm walking towards the cemetery. And you may be wondering, what are you going for? That's answered simply, I am going to see the most important person I had in my life and whom I loved more than anything in this world… Jessica.

When I arrived, the cemetery manager greeted me because he already knew me. There wasn't a day I didn't come here for at least an hour, or when I felt so bad that I needed to have her around, although that's not entirely true, because her body had never been found, but I felt a little better coming here to talk to her, because I told her what was going on in my day-to-day life.

It didn't take me more than two minutes to get to the front of her headstone, I left her the flowers I bought along the way, and sat looking at it.

"Hello my love. You must be wondering what I'm doing here, or you must be annoyed I come to bother you every day, but being here I feel better and I'm here to tell you about my day, although I'm sure you'll know how I'm doing. As you may know, today marks four years since I lost you in that horrible city and I feel like crap. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and since the day I found out what was happened in Los Angeles I'm not able to get into our room, because I feel like I'll break down as soon as I walk in, but I think today must be the day I walk in. I'm sure you'd tell me at some point I'd have to face this, that it's just an obstacle in our way, but for the last four years, the word "ours" no longer exists in my vocabulary, because you took everything inside me, you took my heart with you. You can say I'm dead in life, even if I'm not really like that, but that's how I feel, because it was you who gave me life, my happiness was yours and I don't want you to get angry about it. I know it was important to you I had more happiness than yours, but I guess always happens the moment you fall in love with someone as much as I am with you. But let's stop talking about me, your sister is about to finish her degree, you will find it impressive since she didn't like to study, but she ended up getting her act together, I guess in some way it helped her overcome all the pain she had when losing you, but that's not the best thing either. The best part is she's going to marry that guy you almost scared away the day you warned him. We can see he's a good guy and loves her, and we're all happy about that, the wedding preparations are helping everyone to keep the pain at bay, although at least they can smile when they remember you and not burst into tears like it happens to me, I guess at some point I'll be able to do it too, but I'm not yet. Your parents are great too and today they offered to spend the day with me, but today I'm not anyone's best company, I don't want to ruin anyone's day. Your grandmother is in charge of lifting everyone's spirits when we're sad. Deep down I know it was hard for her and it still costs her a lot to be without you, after all, you were her pride. The vast majority of the time I have her stuck to me, because as you know mine died a couple of months ago, and even though it hurt, it didn't hurt as much as it hurt your... Well, you know what I mean. On the other hand, there's Carla, who even though she's on tour at the moment, there's not a day that goes by that she didn't call to find out how I'm doing. As you know, she released an album and it's pretty good, but there's a song I'm not able to listen to, the one you helped her write and to which she put your name. Everyone insists I listen it her, but I can't, I just can't, and I think that's all I have to tell you about the family and myself. Well, no. Do you know what I dreamed about today? Well, it's not exactly a dream, it's a memory, but I'm sure you can't imagine it... I dreamed of the day we met, that big day we became best friends..."

Flashback (narrator)

Today was the day when many three-year-olds started kindergarten, but it would be special for Santi and Jessica because it would be the first time they would meet and later their great friendship would be exchanged for a great love.

At Santi's house, his grandmother was trying to dress him and calm him down as he was jumping up and down the house. She was the one who took care of him, since his parents had died when he was little. The green-eyed, copper-haired little boy was excited to go to daycare because his grandmother told him there would be more kids he could play with and he was excited to have more friends than the boy he knew from the park.

On the other hand, at Jessica's house, the situation was very different from Santi's house. Jessica wasn't so excited about going to daycare, she preferred to stay at home to paint, but they convinced her she would also paint there, which was true. The brown-eyed girl finally agreed, mostly because she could see how excited everyone in her house was. For a girl who was about to turn three, she could feel what others were feeling easily and she liked to help everyone.

The two families arrived at the same time at the nursery where the children would go, but they didn't cross paths although they entered through the same door. Once inside the class, the teacher introduced them and they sat next to each other. Jessica was happy the moment the teacher told them they were going to draw a picture, so she took out her colours she put in the small backpack without her parents noticing and the others were using the ones in class and concentrated on starting to make her drawing.

It is at that moment, she realizes the boy sitting next to her wasn't painting, and she was amused by the fact he had for not being able to paint like the others, since apparently there were no colours, he could use.

"We can share my colours if you want." The girl said with a big smile on her face, causing the boy to turn to look at the girl who had said to him and stared at her for a moment. "But it's your colours." He replied sheepishly, "That doesn't mean we can't share them, unless you have a problem with that."

"Thank you so much for lending me your colours." The boy said, with a big smile beginning to form on his face, "You're welcome." The girl said and Santi took the blue one and started to make a drawing like all the others, but soon he turned to see the one Jessica was doing, which he was liking very much, and, above all, he was a little amused by the face of concentration the girl had at this moment.

"By the way, my name is Santi." The boy said after a few minutes of concentration on his drawing, "Nice to meet you, I'm Jessica." The girl answered, focusing on him for a few seconds "Would you like to be my friend?" asked Santi shyly, "Your friend? Why?" asked the girl, frowning, "For sharing the colours with me, not like those others who have two and don't let me one, and because you're a very pretty girl, but if you don't want to, I'll understand..."

"Thank you, and of course, we can be friends." The little girl replied with a big smile on her face, "Really?" the surprised boy asked, "Yes." And it is at that precise moment the great friendship between these two began and which would later become something more than a beautiful friendship.

End of flashback

"I don't know why that memory came to my mind, I guess it's a way of reminding me how much I love you and will always love you..." I said the last thing in a whisper, leaving my head on my knees, "I knew I'd find you here." 

At that moment I turned to the direction in which the voice of the girl who sometimes I hated too much had come, because she never left me alone, my phone practically didn't stop ringing because of her. "Weren't you supposed to have a concert today?" I asked, surprised to see her here.

"Won't you get in trouble with your reps for this?" I asked curiously even though I got the idea she doesn't care about it at the moment. "I don't care what problems I might have with them, the place I was supposed to be today was here, so here I am. Do you know that you have everyone worried about not hearing from you all day? They were starting to get paranoid."

"I made it very clear to them I wanted to be alone. So, you might as well go anywhere and leave me alone." I said quietly and without looking at her, "If you really think I'm going to leave you like that, you're sorely mistaken. Jessica would have killed me for leaving you so bad here. Why don't we go home and talk?" she asked, "I don't want to leave, Carla, and I want to be alone."

"Well, if you insist, we'll stay a while longer." With that, Carla sat down on the other side of the tombstone and stared at a point in infinity. We were quiet for a long time until she decided to speak up. "You keep coming every day, don't you?" my best friend asked, even though she knew the answer all too well "You know I do." I said, "Listen, I don't want you to be angry, okay, but you know Jessica wanted you to be happy, with or without her, and right now you're not."

"Obviously I'm not. How do you expect me to be happy if I lost her?" I asked irritably, "I guess it's not easy to digest, but that's what would have made Jessica happy." She said softly, "I can't be happy without her." I assured, because if I hadn't made it in these four years, I'm completely sure I wouldn't make it now, "You can't say that if you didn't even try to be happy."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, looking at her. "I'm talking about everything, Santi. When was the last time you were in your room? When will be the day when you decide to stop pushing everyone away so as not to hurt them? At what point will you decide to stop torturing yourself because of what happened to Jessica in Los Angeles? But, above all, at what point do you plan to turn the page?"

I expected the first three questions, but I didn't expect the last one. It's like a bucket of cold water fell on me. I froze in place staring into the void and feeling anger begin to flow through my veins. "It can't be that you're asking me to turn the page. Do you really want me to forget the love of my life?" I asked, anger starting to creep in "I didn't mean that..." she began to say "SO YOU MEAN WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN BY TURNING THE PAGE?" I finally yelled, because I wasn't believing her at this moment.

"First of all, calm down because I didn't mean what's going on in your head right now, you know full well I wouldn't tell you that. I'm referring to the moment when you stop hurting yourself, when you go back to being the same Santi you were years ago and open yourself up to love again."

"I can't believe it... HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO OPEN UP TO LOVE AGAIN IF THE ONLY PERSON I LOVED, LOVE AND WILL LOVE WILL BE JESSICA... I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET IT LIKE YOU'RE ALL DOING." I shouted in frustration, "We're not forgetting her, Santi. Jessica would have wanted us to move on. I can assure you she died..."

"Don't even think about saying that word." I said seriously and adrenaline coursing through my veins "That's another one, when are you going to assimilate Jessica is gone?" asked Carla annoyed, "I know she's gone and she won't be back." I said, "No, you don't know, Santi, because in all this time I've never heard you say Jessica died. That's what happened, Jessica died to save that boy and his pet, it was her way of being and it's something we couldn't help."

"If I had been with her, this wouldn't be happening now. I'd be with her right now." I assured, because I would have taken care of that myself, "And we're back with this shit... Look, I'm going to be clear to you and I hope you understand once and for all... If you're here, it's because you still have something to do in this world. The fact Jessica died doesn't mean anything, you have to get on with your life. It's what Jesus would have wanted, it's what we all want to happen. Have you ever been back to the sound desk since Jessica died? That made you happy."

"No, and what made me happy was seeing Jessica's smile, she was the one who inspired me." I reported, resting my head on my girlfriend's headstone, "I know you loved Jessica, there's no doubt in my mind, but... What I mean is she would have liked you to go back to doing what you loved. She would come down from those clouds and kick your ass. You were really good at it."

"You know the reason I haven't touched the sound desk." I said, "Because it's in the studio you two shared, so what? In all this time you haven't entered either the bedroom you shared or the study. Don't you think that can help you improve, even a little? Really, my friend, I don't know how you managed to convince this man to do everything you wanted. You drive me crazy Santi, I'm really telling you."

"I didn't tell you to come, I made it clear I wanted to be alone." I replied, "And do something stupid like last time? You're wrong my friend; I'm not going to leave you on a day like today. You're depressed and I don't want to have to bury another friend anymore." With those words we remained silent looking at least her, because at this precise moment I had thousands of memories running through my head, the best days of my life with the woman I love most in this world, and of course I burst into tears because of everything she made me remember.

"I think it's time for us to go home." Carla said with a sigh, "Carla... please..." I begged, "No Santi, we've been here for a while, it's time to go." She said firmly. Carla had gotten up and I know I wasn't going to be able to convince her to leave and leave me here, not today. "Okay, but I still don't want to go home. I'm sure her parents will be there, and I don't want to make their day any bitter than they have."

"Okay, shall we go for a walk then?" she asked, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers. "Ok" I answered, caring little what we were going to do, but before we left, I turned to the headstone and kissed the top of it.

"I'll be back tomorrow. I love you Jesus." I whispered and then Carla walked up to the headstone and said something I didn't quite hear. After that, we left the cemetery and began to walk aimlessly, each in our thoughts until we stopped at a place to which I'm not yet ready to return… our home.

"The house is still the same as the last time I was here. When was the last time you were here?" she asked, shifting her gaze to me, "About two weeks ago." I murmured, "And how far did you go this time? Did you enter the room or the study?"

"I was on the verge, but I wasn't able to." I said sincerely, "At least you tried, something's something. Now tell me what we're doing here." My best friend asked and I frowned, not understanding what she's talking about, "You came, you must know why." I replied, "No, I didn't come, I just followed you."

"What...?" I began, shifting my gaze to the house "What you heard. Are you going in or you...?" But I didn't hear anything she was asking me about, I just started walking in the direction of the door and stopped once in front of it. "Do you really want to do this, Santi?" Carla asked in a worried tone, "I made up my mind to go into the bedroom..."

"I'm so glad to hear that, but it doesn't have to be today, you know?" she said and I nodded, because I already knew that. "Are you sure you want to do it?" she asked, and I shook my head, "No, but at some point, I'll have to do it, you said it yourself a while ago."

"You know sometimes I talk too much... But if that's what you want to do... I'll be here for whatever you need... If you want, I'll come in with you." My best friend said softly, "No... I want to do it on my own." I whispered without taking my eyes off the house, "Are you sure?" she asked again and I nodded, "Okay, I'll let you in alone, but I'll be out here for anything."

"You can go, you don't have to stay with me." I said, "I know I don't have to, but it's my duty as a friend to support you right now. Jess is what would have wanted, so I'll be waiting for you here." She said, with a small smile on her face, "Thank you, Carla."

I know that if I asked her to come in with me, she would do it, but it's more than clear to me it was the last thing she wanted to do. She had lost her best friend and it took her a long time to assimilate, I think it was in that moment of pain she wrote her album. Since then, the work has distracted her, but at the same time she has been aware of me, according to her, because I had to take care of myself because Jessica didn't trust me in that aspect, but deep down I appreciated it. At some point in our lives the only thing we did was annoy each other in a friendly way, you can say we practically did it all our lives until four years ago for obvious reasons.

I slowly took the keys out of my pants pocket, put them in the lock and opened the door a little, making the essence of Jessica reach my nostrils, and I couldn't stop a small smile from appearing on my face, but I went in quickly to prevent that essence that smelled better than my mind was trying to reproduce from being lost.