Chapter Seven

Ayah had just said her goodbyes to Zain and was on her way to her room, dragging her tired feet along the ground as she went. The house was swarming with people, hence going to her room was proving to be a longer journey than it normally was.

She saw Raheemah trying to lift a big table all by herself and offered to help.

“Nah, don’t worry,” Raheemah smiled, wiping her forehead with her forearm. “You should get some rest, you have a long day tomorrow.”

“Oh, don’t give me that,” Ayah scoffed, waving her off. “You and I know that’s too heavy for you.”

Her hands had already touched the table before she heard her Aunt Layla shout all of a sudden.

“Raheemah, what do you think you’re doing?” She asked.

Raheemah gave Ayah a knowing look as if to say ‘told ya’ and knocked her hands off the table. “Go rest up, Barbie.”

“It’s just a table, dumbass” She protested, then to her aunt, “I’ll just help her and be on my way.”

She was going to touch the table again when she got shoved away a little harshly. By the time she was fully recovered, Aunt Layla had already picked up her side of the table and was on the move along with Raheemah.

Ayah fell short of words, unable to close her mouth.

“But it’s just a table!” She called after them.

Acknowledging that she wasn’t going to get an answer, she continued her journey to her room. She pushed open the door to her room, wondering where Barakah who was supposed to spend the night in her room had wandered off to. Since they had some of their guests staying over, Ayah’s Mom had decided that Barakah’s room was going to serve as a guest room for the night, hence she was squatting with Ayah for the night.

Ayah had escorted the Khalil’s to their various vehicles alongside her father and mother but Barakah had been nowhere to be found. She had gone to look for her prior to escorting them but it had been to no avail as she couldn’t find Barakah anywhere. Barakah wasn’t one to hide which made Ayah a tad bit worried.

She pulled off her heels and turned on the lights, barely holding back a scream at the sight of someone on her bed. Lo and behold, there laid Barakah on her stomach, her eyes squinted from the light and her face turned towards the door as though she had been expecting Ayah.

”You’re back,” she stated. The expression with which she looked Ayah on the dinner table was still on her face which scared Ayah, she couldn’t tell what was going on in her sister’s head.

“Yeah,” Ayah replied, moving towards her wardrobe to change into comfy clothes. “You scared me.”

As though the situation didn’t warrant a ‘sorry’ or a friendly response, Barakah carried on much to Ayah’s surprise which got her wondering what exactly was wrong with her sister.

She opened the doors to her wardrobe, searching through it for her favorite blue hoodie and sweatpants. While she did, she thought about her wedding. Through the interaction she had with Zain, she could tell that he was a nice man. But was that enough reason to ease her worries on getting married to a stranger? Not nearly enough. The fact that he was the owner of the beautiful ride she had fallen in love with? Still not nearly enough. Though a part of her was relieved that they had gotten along, that was at least a good start into the proposed many years they were going to spend together. A shiver ran down her spine, and her fears began to overpower her once again. But before they could get too far, Barakah’s voice interrupted .

“I saw you getting along with Zain.”

“Yeah,” She replied, smiling when she remembered a joke he had made earlier. “I was.”

Barakah didn’t say anything in response which got Ayah raising her eyebrows and turning around to face Barakah who didn’t seem to have moved a single muscle since Ayah stepped into the room. Her face wasn’t giving out anything which only made Ayah all the more confused. After staring at her for a while and still receiving no response, she cleared her throat.

“I felt like you wanted to add more to that,” she said. “Was I wrong?”

Barakah sat up on the bed. She folded her legs in a butterfly shape and folded her arms over her chest. “Does that mean you’re okay with getting married to him?”

Ayah turned around and began to unzip her grown, her brows knitted together as she thought of the bet answer to give to her sister.

“Getting along with him doesn’t interpret to me falling in love with him, don’t you think? Besides, I’m still as against the idea as I was on the first day.” Though part of what Ayah had said was half truth, she was sure most of her was against the idea of getting married to Zain. The tiny part that had no problem with it though, was causing a lot of concern. It had become a sort of inner conflict for her, and she constantly had to ask herself; ‘why doesn’t it bother you so much any longer?’

“But it does make you feel better about getting married to him.” Barakah stated.

Ayah walked out of her gown and picked it up. “Barakah you can’t-”

“I’m right though, aren’t I?”

Sporting just her underwear, Ayah turned around, no hint of a smile on her face. She was having it with Barakah.

“No. You’re not. Why are you asking me these questions? Makes me feel like you doubt me.”

“It’s because I know you, Ayah. I know how stupidly loving you can be. I know how easily you get attracted to people. I know how much you care about everyone but yourself.” Barakah had stood up from the bed and was taking low steps towards Ayah, her index finger pointing towards Ayah’s heart. “I know how selfless you are, so stupidly selfless. I know how hard it is for you to hate people for too long. I know how hard it is for you to blame others but yourself. I know how mad you get when people get upset with you; Because of you. I know how bad you must feel for having to run on Mom, Dad, Sister Khameela, everyone. You can’t entertain the thought of having to hurt others for your own good. You’re fine with not mattering as long as others do. You’re fine with not being happy for the sake of others. You’re too nice for your own good, and I hate that for you.”

She stopped when her finger made contact with where Ayah’s heart was supposed to be, looking down on Ayah with a small frown.

Ayah stared up at Barakah, speechless with her heart thundering in her chest. Where did all that come from? She wondered. How long had Barakah waited to say that to her? Was it a lie or was that who she thought she was? Was that who she really was?

Her eyes began to water and she pushed Barakah away from herself slowly, sniffing.

“Very funny,” she muttered, proceeding to put on her clothes.

She knew. She knew just how kind to a fault she was, how stupid she was, how crazy she was when it came to helping others, how little she loved and valued herself, and she had come to terms with it. However bad it was, however self-destructive it seemed to be, she was fine with it. And as long as she was fine with it, she was going to be fine... right?

She fell to her knees and broke into tears, tightening her chest area to ease herself of the sudden pain she was feeling inside her heart. She felt Barakah’s arms wrap around her and she thrashed around, fighting, despite knowing how much stronger and bigger Barakah was. She finally gave in and allowed Barakah to stroke her head while she bawled her eyes into her sweatshirt. When she done crying, she sat still and quiet in Barakah’s arms, her mind wandering back and forth. She wasn’t sure where to start thinking from, or where to go from there. Or, much better, she didn’t want to. Somehow, what she wanted was similar to sleeping but not quite. She wanted to be in a tranquil state where she had to do nothing at all, except to breath, and sometimes, even breathing was too much a task.

“Come with me,” Barakah whispered. “Let’s do this together.”

Just like that, she began panicking again. “Barakah... isn’t there any other option? Do we really have to do this? I keep thinking of-”

She was going to say Mom and Dad again.

“Please,” Barakah begged, tightening her arms around her. “I’ve made up my mind already, and I’d really hate to do this without you.”

“Barakah I-” Perhaps that’s who I really am, she thought. She couldn’t bring herself to leave them behind, no matter how convinced she was that leaving was the best thing she could do for herself.

Sure, she was going to be at a disadvantage, probably wind up being unhappy for the rest of her life, but whatever the case, was it worth the heartbreak and disgrace she was going to give to her family? Were they ever going to bounce back from it? Most of it was their fault for trying to force marriage on her, she aware, but didn’t they deserve a second chance? A chance to see their wrong and seek to right it? A chance to apologize to her when the time came?

Whatever the cost, she was willing to pay it. She could only hope she wouldn’t regret it at the end.

“I guess that’s who I’m meant to be,” she said, laughing softly. “I’m not like you. I care, maybe a little too much, but I guess that’s just me.”

She eased herself off of Barakah and stood up to her feet. She had made up her mind, and now it was time to help her sister get out of the hellhole they shared together. She offered Barakah a hand and a lopsided smile. “C’mon, let’s help you get outta here.”

They immediately set to work, making their way to Barakah’s room to pack some of her belongings. Lucky for them, the guests who were to occupy Barakah’s room were not in, but either ways, the girls knew they had little to no time to slack off. While Barakah approached her wardrobe, Ayah went to pick up a travel box, emptied it and placed on the ground beside Barakah.

“Which ones should I put in?” She asked, staring into the wardrobe with no idea what to do.

“Anything you feel like I should take along.”

Ayah set to work too, trying her best to be as fast as she could, they couldn’t afford to be caught in the act. They were almost done putting in Barakah’s wears when they heard a knock on the door. Ayah broke a sweat, her head turning towards the direction of the door in a flash. Barakah pulled her backwards, making her look at her. Barakah had her hands held over lips and her head turning sideways hastily. Getting the message, Ayah nodded.

After what seemed like an eternity, the knocks ceased. Not wanting to take any chances, they waited a little longer before rounding up the packing. When the packing was out of the way, it was time to plan how to get her out of the house unspotted.

“Leave that to me,” Barakah said, her tone reassuring. “All I need from you now is to help me distract them, I’ll handle the rest.”

Ayah flew into Barakah’s arms, snuggling herself against her shoulders. “I’ll miss you.”

Barakah chuckled lightly, letting go of the box to reciprocate Ayah’s hug. “I’ll miss you more.”

There wasn’t much distracting for Ayah to do. It was as though their path had been cleared knowingly, it was a scarily good thing. Before launching herself across the fence, Barakah spent a while longer looking down on Ayah.

“It’s not too late, you know,” she said after a while, shrugging. “You can still change your mind.”

Ayah shook her head. “I’ll handle this mess for us... Now, off you go.”

She was trying hard not to allow Barakah see how hard it all was on her, and how close to crying she was.

“If you do change your mind, meet me at the station before ten am.”

Ayah returned to her room feeling more empty and lonely than she had for as long as she could remember. What was I thinking!? She thought, pulling at her hair. Did she think she was some kind of superhero who would swoop in to save the day? Damn right, she would. If anything, she was only going to ruin things.

What was she going to tell her parents? Was there even a plausible excuse? Now that she thought of it, she realized she had never really had to deal with a situation like that on her own. Barakah had always been right by her side, ready to guide her through every step of the way. Now that she was gone, how could she possibly do it on her own? She shook the thought of running after her out of her head. She had chosen to do this, and that was exactly what she was going to do.

Crossing her fingers that she was going to be alright, she walked back into the house, ready to cry herself to bed as had been the norm for her lately.

________

Ayah managed to make sure no one knew of Barakah’s absence that night. She had told everyone who cared to ask that she was exhausted and had gone to sleep early, even going as far as to grab two drinks from the freezer on her way back to her room to ward off all suspicion. Now that it was morning though, she knew her time was up, her lie was about to die and she knew exactly what to do about it; play dumb. She didn’t know anything.

While saying her morning prayers, she stayed longer than usual on prostration. She knew what she wanted from God, but she didn’t know how to word it. God, please don’t let me get married today... Was that even a reasonable prayer? God please, don’t let them find out Barakah ran away... Reasonable? No. But she didn’t know how else to say it, who else to turn to or who else was willing to listen to her ugly sob story, more so, after she turned down the golden opportunity of running away alongside Barakah. She just had to hope fervently that her prayers were going to be answered.

She stood up and folded her mat. Afterwards, she laid on her bed, her eyes glued to the ceiling while she waited for the onslaught of knocks that was bound to happen on her door. A little over five minutes later, she heard a knock on her door. She waited until they’ve knocked a few more times before dragging herself off of the bed. She opened the door and took a step back, leaning against the wall beside the door. The door burst open, revealing an overly ecstatic Khameela.

“Wakey, wakey, brides of this household!” Khameela stopped after putting a foot forward, her gaze glued to the empty bed.

“Over here,” Ayah said, waving lazily.

Khameela turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. “For a second there, I thought you guys had made a run for it.”

She moved closer to Ayah and pulled her into a hug, rubbing her head slowly and affectionately.

“How would you have felt if we had?” Ayah asked, genuinely curious.

Khameela was her elder sister, could she perhaps afford to tell her the truth? Tell her she wanted to go too but the thought of betraying her family was stopping her?

Khameela sighed. “Yes.”

Ayah gulped. What had she been expecting? A go ahead from Khameela despite knowing how impossible it was? Of course Khameela was going to be against it, what elder sister could be okay with her younger sisters running off?

“But not if you tell me first.”

“What?” Ayah couldn’t believe her ears.

Khameela nodded, pulling out of the hug to hold her an arm’s length away from herself.

“Ayah, before anything, your happiness, health, mental health, sanity, comes first to me. You’re my siblings, the only ones I have forever, I’ve got to have your back, don’t you think? So if ever you plan to leave, you can tell me. Hell, I’d carry out your plan for you.”

Up until then, Ayah didn’t realize how much she had wanted to hear those words. Those reassuring words that made her heart swell, made her feel important, loved. Because her mother didn’t care about her, she had somehow managed to fit everyone else into that category. How could she have forgotten how sweet and kind Khameela was to her? How much she’d showed her time and time again that she loved her? How much she’d sacrificed for her?

Suddenly, she felt the urge to cry. She did, launching herself into Khameela’s arm. She didn’t care that she was a little too loud and was making a mess of both of their outfits. She just wanted to cry, let it all out. She was surprised by how much tears she still had in her despite crying herself to sleep basically every night including the night before.

When she was done crying, she opened up to Khameela about Barakah and her wish to leave as well. She couldn’t believe how much she suddenly wanted to leave despite how much she had claimed she was not that kind of person to Barakah. People are weird, she thought.

Khameela was angry about Barakah, but she calmed down rather fast, knowing the kind of person Barakah was. She didn’t really care about anyone, just herself.

“Do you have a way to catch up with her?” Khameela asked.

“She said to meet her at the station before ten am,” Ayah replied, nodding.

Khameela checked the time, it was few minutes past seven. “You still have time. Come on, let’s get you prepared.”

“Wait, what?” Ayah asked, shocked. Happy as she was that Khameela was on her side, she still wasn’t too sure if leaving would be the right thing to do. What would happen to giving her parents a chance to apologize when the time came? A chance to redeem themselves?

“You don’t want to go?”

Ayah shook her head rapidly. “No, that’s not it. I mean, I do want to go. But I keep thinking of everyone I’m going to be leaving behind, will they be alright?

Khameela cupped Ayah’s cheek with both of her hands. “If that’s what you’re so worried about, then you don’t have to worry, I’m here. Or you don’t trust me?”

“Of course I do,” Ayah smiled.

“Then?” Khameela asked, tilting her head. “You’re worried you’re going to regret it?”

She nodded.

“Trust me when I tell you that if I had been in your position those years ago, I would’ve left before now... Save them the money, you get what I’m saying?”

“I’ve forgotten you used to be a lot worse than Barakah,” Ayah laughed.

“So don’t think too much about that. I don’t think it’s possible to regret something you did to preserve your own life, and if at all you do, it won’t be all the way, because you’d at least still be alive to regret.”

“My life?” Ayah asked. “You think it’s going to be that bad? I mean, it’s just a measly wedding, living with someone I don’t like, maybe crying here and there but that’s all, right? That’s not exactly life threatening if you ask me.”

Khameela stood up, offering Ayah a hand with which she pulled her up and led her towards the bed. “That’s all it is at first. But depression sets in, you get suicidal thoughts, you see no use for your life, you see no reason to exist. You yearn to end it all, you want peace, you want quiet; you seek it. And that’s all just you. Now imagine if he abuses you and ends up causing a lifetime damage? What if you really can’t stand him? He maltreats you, shouts at you so much you just need him to be quiet? You get a weapon? You silence him? But rarely, people enjoy these marriages. There’s some good in it. You though, I can see you getting depressed.”

“Me?” Ayah asked. “How? Why?”

“I can’t really say, maybe it’s just who you are.”

Ayah and Khameela went downstairs for breakfast a per Khameela’s plan. Afterwards, they saw her mother. Ayah didn’t say a word to her, she only gave her death stares when she wasn’t looking, and small ‘get off my back’ smile whenever she referred to her. They didn’t go to her father, because both girls knew he was undoubtedly going to see through their lie of Barakah not wanting to see anyone and being coiled up in bed.

By the time they returned to the room, it was few minutes past nine. While they packed up her clothes, Ayah thought of how possible it was to transport it out of the house without drawing attention. When they were done packing, Khameela revealed her ‘genius’ plan which got Ayah grinning. She was going to give the box to Hashim who was going to take it to the car, drive to the junction and wait for Ayah to meet up, grab her box and make a run for it.

By nine thirty, Ayah was done taking her bath and was half way through dressing. As usual, she wore a pair of sweatpants, a hoodie and had her veil wounded around her head. Her heart pounded in her chest as she told her Aunt Layla that she was only going to meet Yasmin at the mall which was only a walking distance away from their house. The wedding wasn’t going to happen until midday which made her able to walk around for bit until it was time to get prepared.

While she slowly made her way out of the house, Khameela went to the kitchen to act like it was all well. Ayah hugged Khadijah and Raheemah under the guise of being sorry for not having their time ever since they arrived.

When she got to the ante and there was no one left to lie to, let out a sigh of relief, barely keeping herself from crumbling to the ground with how heavy her heart was pounding and how lightheaded it made her. She picked up her pace when she passed through the gate, looking back time to time to make sure she was in the clear. When she passed by the road to Yasmin’s house, she bit her lips. Yasmin was going to be pissed at her for running on her, but she knew she was going to understand her, she was her best friend after all.

After few minutes of walking, she could see the blue sienna Khameela told her Hashim was going to be in up ahead. She increased her pace, her eyes glued to the car a though it would disappear if she stopped looking.

Finally, she got to the car. Looking to see that it was really Hashim inside of it and it wasn’t some kind of sick joke, she knocked on the window to grab his attention. Hashim got down from the car, said a greeting to which she replied to and opened the back seat of the vehicle, took out her box and dropped it beside her.

“I hope you find happiness,” he said, spotting a smile, the first of which she had seen on him.

“I hope so too,” she said, grabbing on to the handle of her box.

Taking three deep breaths, Ayah started walking, dragging her box along with her. She heard the door of the car slam, and the soft sound of its engines as Hashim reversed. This was it, she thought. She was now on her own. She took her phone out of her hoodie pocket to check the time, dropping it back in right after.

The time was forty five minutes after nine, could she make it to the station by ten? She had to.

She was few steps away from the main road where would board a cab when a car she could recognize even in her sleep pulled up beside her. It had just made a turn from the main road, most definitely on its way to her house. She froze in step, her brain suddenly becoming irresponsive. She couldn’t bring herself to make a run for it, she could only stand and watch her plans crumble before her eyes.

The window slowly went down and reflexively, she turned sideways, her heart pounding. Lo and behold, it was Zain in the car.