(15) what she needs to do

Nathan blows a cloud of smoke from his tobacco into the air above him and watches if it takes a shape, or just dissipates in the air faster than he blew it. Either way, it is not getting him away from this conversation, so the best he could do was distract himself in any way he could. He glances at the students on the other side of the window enjoying themselves and wishes he could be just as free. He glances in Airi's direction.

"So, what happened next?" he says, disinterested in the topic at hand, as if his tone of voice doesn’t give it away enough. He just wants to get this over and done with so he could get his lunch. At this, Airi made a face. It's not like she likes the idea of having to confide in him either.

And yet, in the end, here she is, telling him exactly what he does not want to hear. Moreover, to a guy she barely talked with! In her whole month and a half since entering university, this is only the second time they'd ever shared a conversation. Airi had to use threatening methods to jab his memory and make him remember her, or at least pretend to.

She didn't know what had happened right until the end, when Ren storms off leaving her feelings exposed, with no way to place them. She feels conflicted, relieved and frustrated at the same time because why. She didn't know what he was thinking and what he knows, what made him say the things he said.

She remembers his face as he left, a mix of frustration and anger so raw that it made it seem like he was angered by something more than the fact that he had just caught her making Nina cry.

After he leaves, then the feelings came rushing in and she buries her face on her palms, weeping.

Her knees soon fail her and she collapses before she was even aware of it, her knees scraping on the small branches below her from the sudden impact. The pain only made it worse for her and soon her self-loathing turned into resentment and bitterness. Anger. She began criticizing everything. She thinks that this is all unfair to her, she didn’t want any of this, so why does it keep happening!? Hasn’t she already experienced enough in high school? She blames the circumstances around her that led to this, and bitterly, Ren as well because why would you go to a school that’s clearly beneath you?! Didn’t he use to tell her he would go to a prestigious university in the city or something? He can do so much better but no, he just had to come here instead for some reason. Probably Nina but whatever.

And what the hell did he mean when he said it's not bloody fine? Of course, it is! She is fine being hated, hell she should be! How else will everybody be satisfied?! How else will she redeem herself?! It's... what she has to do.

Fuck. She knows it's not fine. Of course, she does. Just... What other option did she have? How... how else will she be forgiven otherwise?

She stays crouched down, breathes deeply, and tries to calm down, buried in resentment about everything. She thinks wants to change schools, she thinks she wants to leave here and have everyone leave her alone. She’s tired, drained. She has had enough and just wants to leave everything behind.

However, she thinks of Zoey, and Luke and Neil and what she's done so far and knows she can't leave. Not now after reaching so far.

The thoughts start settling in after laying out everything she has always kept to herself. She begins to cool down as her thoughts start fading to black, and her heavy breaths evaporate into tiny hiccups. Soon enough all she could hear was nature at work around her. The trees bustling and the birds chirping, everything was at ease and unbothered that she felt stupid for even crying about it. She stares up and looks around her, thinks that this place isn't bad. It's kind of nice, actually. Quiet and refreshing that she thought about staying there for a while— all day— basking in the company of nature until she decides, reluctantly, to stand up for her next class.

She starts dragging her feet out the small forest and sees an empty bench out front where Nina probably stayed while waiting for Ren. The recent events came rushing in again and it took her a while to recover again, settling on the bench to relax. She must look like shit right now, she thought, with her face fresh out of crying so hard.

She remembers that her next class is a joint class with Ren's group and she groans, she doesn’t need this right now.

As she debates whether she's going to skip or not (although no doubt she would), "What the hell are you doing?" She looks up and it took her a while to recognize the assistant nurse, Nathan, with his curly hair tied neatly behind him and the stubble he had when they first met cleanly shaved.

Nathan saw her look, the look of a person with dubious plans which may or may not involve him. He was about to skedaddle out of there when, she decides to make him take her to the clinic, as— in her words— she apparently feels a headache coming, which he knows is total bullshit given her history of feigning illness to skip classes.

She reasons, tugging forcefully at his white coat, "believe me, this time I have a legitimate reason to skip!" He jerks it back telling her to let go or it'll rip. They were like this for a while, playing tug of war until Nathan literally heard his coat stretch, another yank away from ripping, and concedes bitterly.

True to her words, she began to tell him everything. Laying her feelings bare to him. More than explaining herself to him, she just wanted someone to talk to, a stranger to open up to.

"Well, that's stupid." He says, matter-of-factly, stares at her with the same connotation as if saying it is not enough.

She decides to ignore his insensitive comment in favor of indulging in her whims and instead asks why the hell is it stupid. The irritation in her voice makes him snort, thinks that she's such a kid.

Nathan then blows a cloud of smoke from his cigarette one last time before putting it off on the ashtray. She watches his every move, half waiting for an answer and half fascinated with how he coolly puts out his cigarette. He leans at the side of his table, composed with a neat appearance and a somewhat adult air around him. Somehow, this made Airi realize that although the way they converse is as if they're of the same age, he is actually quite older than her and probably experienced more than she did.

Although it's still a far cry from looking like a university professor.

Finally, he makes eye contact with her. "Leave the damn thing alone," he says in a firm tone of voice.

She pauses to make a sense of what Nathan just said and tilts her head questioningly. Leave what alone?

"I think you're making too much of a big deal out of this. You and everyone. I get that you've done bad things and hurt people. Deceived some and shit, but that's that. It's fine to regret, but don't make that a reason you want to change, that's just stupid."

He tilts back further in his seat, "If I were you, I'd leave it alone. It's not like you can do anything about it now anyway."

Airi pouts, Easy for you to say her face was saying. He shrugs at this.

"You know what holds people back the most? The past." Nathan then says as he starts to get down to work.

"And anyway, there are people who'll feel more at ease if you stayed as the bad guy."

Listening to him go on and on about how stupid she's making the situation out to be made her see a different perspective on her situation. He has a point, a good one that she feels stupid for not realizing it sooner. It wasn't that everyone hasn't moved on from the things she did (although she thinks it's still one of the reasons), it's because deep inside, she herself hasn't accepted the things she did. She still hadn't forgiven herself.

"Think of yourself for a change. You're too young to be thinking about others." He says simply without looking at her, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

And just like that, a new door was opened in front of her.