10. Walking Through Fear

Within the caves, Ayana was at ease. After all, there was nothing to be afraid of. She had grown accustomed to the darkness, and it was a comforting and calming feeling. Peculiarly, this part of the caves had large and smooth rocks, so nothing could hit her knee. Most of the time, she would spread out her arms and take one step at a time, occasionally varying depending on what intuition told her.

Sometimes, her hands would find stones in front of her. She would breathe in and out, deepening her connection with herself. Usually, she already knew where the path through the mountain would continue. But was it a labyrinth? She wouldn't know – she only followed one direction and didn't search for side paths. Just like in life sometimes, she thought, when we follow our inner path that we intuitively feel is right for us. "That's right," she heard the answer from Ignisia inside her.

In this darkest part of the Mystical Caves, there were no animals like she sometimes spotted in the lighter areas with the phosphorescent moss and mushrooms. She was completely alone, maybe for the first time in her life. She felt free – and it felt good!

Amidst all the positive emotions and experiences, Ayana also encountered other episodes, during which she accessed her inner being and became observant of her darker feelings and downward-flowing astral energies. There was still much to heal and forgive within her. For each scene that appeared in her consciousness, Ayana thanked Mother Goddess Sanuela, and for each scene and the related emotions, she asked for and offered forgiveness.

With this inner work, it almost seemed to her that each new hour she felt a bit lighter and a bit purer inside – pure, like a priestess and goddess-in-the-making. This was the direction her guides, her inner senses and her heart showed her, while helping her to solve old, destructive patterns that were still in her way.

But with the loving purity, she also opened the doors to many of her inner fears. She understood, why angels and archangels were often depicted with swords or lances, these were the light-bringing beams of love, to fight against the evil powers of fear. It was one of the hardest inner battles, easy to lose without even noticing it, Ayana had found out early in her life.

Fear was also the greatest manipulation from within ourselves. Ayana had always felt how she let herself be controlled to a greater or lesser extent by her fears and anxieties. They determined where she travelled and where she wouldn't. They determined which inner pathways she trusted herself to take and which she didn't, which people she approached and to whom she closed herself off, how honestly, openly, and lovingly she spoke to other souls, …

At times, Ayana found it difficult to differentiate her inner voice from the voice of fear; both sounded strikingly similar. She had often noticed herself following what seemed like an insight from her inner centre, yet it was instead only the fear of opening herself further. She comprehended how fear was like a hidden prison, holding us away from our true love and joy. Fear always sought to make us take the safe path – even if that meant shielding us off from wonderful possibilities that life offered for us. Ayana recognised that, in order to trust more in herself and face new doors and opportunities with courage, she needed to break free from the prison of false beliefs and emotions that held her back in certain behaviour or action patterns.

Just knowing this had made her a battler of all her fears and anxieties. But battling was not a word that quite described her way of working with them. Whenever they showed up, she would greet them like friends, offering tea and chocolate, sitting with them, experiencing them. And then, they had to leave again because her love was just much stronger. They were asked to leave her loving aura, and so they always did. It worked every time; she just always had to go back to her heart centre if she sometimes forgot briefly while in a state of fear or anxiety. Her love was her divine lance, and the fear was swiftly forgotten.

One of her fears kept coming up in some of her dreams and during her walking times, when she was reminded of her long journey and what awaited her back in life outside. How would the people of Sanuela, along with her friends and family, perceive her as a High Princess? Would they be able to fully accept and love her? Would some reject her, or flee in fear because of her overwhelming aura, energies, and feelings? How would she feel about that? Would it make her sorrowful?

Ayana knew that it wasn't a matter of pride or ego for her. She would truly feel sorry for this soul. And she would use it as an invitation to practise even deeper levels of empathy and unconditional love towards someone who has yet to experience how far and deep love can be. She felt confident that in the end, all souls would find their way eventually to connect on a deeper level. It merely needed the will to do so.

As a human, of course, she also wanted to be accepted, welcomed and loved by others. No matter how much light and love she would gain on her journey, she would still remain a human being, longing for connection, closeness, and tenderness. Would the people of Sanuela be able to connect with her, or would the profound respect for the new and rare High Priestess be so overwhelming, that they would forget how human she was?

Ayana stopped walking and sat down on the smooth rock in front of her. She took some deep breaths, then just sat with her feelings, without trying to push them away or solve them. After a while, she started breathing love in and out through her inner heart centre. Gradually, she felt a warm energy rising inside, making her astral body tingle. These energies reminded her to accept herself – with love and trust and grace. That was the only thing that mattered.

She realized that if she appreciated the beauty and love of each moment, regardless of who loved her, and embraced all aspects of herself, then love from others would surely follow.

Ayana breathed deeply and slowly, allowing the constriction in her heart to ebb away. She nodded her head, feeling a profound peace settle inside her. A smile spread across her face as she decided that she would learn to leave behind how others perceived or judged her and instead focus on self-love and acceptance.

She walked further, inwardly conversing with Ignisia about her fears. She was aware that Ignisia wasn't physically fluttering about with her glowing wings at that moment. Nevertheless, it was natural to talk to her, as if she would be always there. She recollected similar experiences with the white deer. Recently, she hadn't seen the deer any more in the woods, yet she still kept up her telepathic connection with him.

Ayana asked Ignisia what she thought of all the changes happening on Sanuela lately. Should she be worried? Ignisia replied: "Only listen to your heart and keep connecting to the sacred inner light within you, through meditation and heart centre breathing. Trust yourself and your intuition, remembering that you are a powerful being full of love and light. Really… nothing else matters. Everything will be going well if you just keep following your natural path into the light."

Ayana nodded and took a few deep breaths as she kept walking. Her heart was filled with gratitude for the clear words from her spiritual guardian angel, as she now beheld Ignisia. Even though Ayana knew it wasn't easy to follow her deepest inner self at times – especially when fear or doubt took over in moments of insecurity – yet, she also felt an inner strength growing inside her. She would just keep on following her path to the sacred light within; she was sure of that.

After all, she was never alone on her path. Ayana felt a close connection with Ignisia that was ever-growing. They both loved one another. When Ayana was feeling into the frequencies of Ignisia, she felt a strong surge of angelic energies. She could sometimes feel when a soul had parts of an angelic being within them, and Ignisia was surely filled with it, radiating pure angelic light and love wherever her little wings would take her. She also remembered how often the butterfly would fly an eight in front of her – the number of the higher angelic realm. But to be certain, Ayana asked.

"Ignisia?"

"Yes, my light and my love?"

"May I call you my angel?"

"Of course, you may. After all, this winged form in our shared material reality is only a reminder of where we first met."

"Would you tell me more about this? I have memories of a past life on Gaia, but I don't remember seeing you there."

"By now, you should be ready for it, yes. You lived in Celestria, a long time ago, from your current perspective. We bonded and decided to always be together, as our mutual spiritual guides, united forever until we become a star one day."

"Wow… That sounds… romantic and wonderful. I do feel this very special connection and what you are saying makes sense. It is… almost as if I remember this as our story, although the part with the star is still in the future, isn't that odd?"

"No, not at all, my light and my love. Of course you can remember. We all can do so at times; that is what brings us forward. We call it intuition or having great ideas then, but this is always a remembering of something on our path to our fullest light."

"And why do you call me your light and your love? I feel that this is something I'd love to say to you, for you are showing, teaching and sharing with me so much so that I can learn and grow. You are my guide!"

"In some lives, you need me more; sometimes I get stuck and need your help. You too have angelic frequencies within yourself, Ayana. You are often times a guide for me and for other souls who we both love…"

"Is there any connection with a white deer?" Ayana felt the need to ask.

"You mean your dear magician spirit guide, appearing to you as a white deer and sometimes in other forms?"

Now, Ayana became clear in her mind why she felt such a strong connection with the white deer and with Ignisia. They both were her spirit guides – masculine and feminine, as it needed to be in order to incarnate in a three-dimensional material body.

"Ignisia, how can you be my spirit guide and at the same time have a body in this world?" she wondered.

"There is only a part of me in this little body buzzing around, my light and my love. The other soul particles are in other beings and places, and in many other times. It's a bit complicated to explain and understand, but ultimately, everything is happening at once, so I am here and there, and everywhere, in all times, but all within the here and now."

Ayana's head was spinning, and her heart was moved by the thought of the immense energies emanating from the present moment.

"So, I will find my deer in other beings again?"

"Yes, you might glimpse aspects of him in some souls of Sanuela, especially in some men. You will feel it when you connect with them, when you start to love them."

"Will I find you too, in some other soul forms, then?" Ayana asked.

"Of course. I am not only a butterfly, but you will find small parts of my frequency also in some women and men you will meet and love. My light and my love, await for me and we can reunite joyfully."