Chapter 19

The next morning after Subh, she dressed up and left for work early. Her Head throbbed. The pain felt like someone had taken a knife to her skull. She leant her head against her desk. Squeezing her eyes shut, she willed the pain to go away. The rest of the world became detached, all she could concentrate on was the pain rooted deep in her head. She could barely hear the people chattering around her. All she felt, all she knew was the pain of that moment. Staying up all night and whimpering wasn't a good idea. 

She massaged her temple and breathed in and out slowly. She took some warm water and relaxed on the sofa. "What have I done?" She whispered, as tears rolled down. That morning every food was cardboard. No amount of chewing made it possible to swallow. Her mouth is dryer than a sandbox in summer. If he truly doesn't come back like he said he wouldn't , she's going to be broken. He called her after every trip whenever he was sent overseas, always saying sweet things. He asks her to tell him about life back here. How dull everything is now. When she finished he sometimes asks her to say it all over again, but slower, like he's savouring the words. He can never hang up either, she have to be the one to do that. Each passing moment only leads to the next, taking her away from the allotted time for his return.

A little while later, Amanda came in with few files in her hand. "You have few patients to check up today. Your father said after you're done you should go home instead. They would do the ward round." She gave her the information. "Okay, you can leave now," Maryam dismissed her. 

Her first patient of the day came in few minutes after Amanda left. She was at midst of her check up when Mujahid barged in holding the purse she used last night. "Can you excuse us for three minutes please," she pleaded with him and he smiled and nodded before heading out. After she was done checking her patient, he entered again. 

She slowly stood up from her office chair. "What happened last night?" She asked while he engulfed her in a hug. "I don't even know. But someone must've put something in our coffee drink. I woke up in my house and I couldn't find you."

"I found myself in Mahmud's house," she spoke as if she wasn't sure about what she was saying. "What?" He barked. "Are you okay? Did he do anything to you?" He examined, touching her forehead and cheeks. "I'm fine. I'm just confused..... but it's okay."

"Listen, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I panicked. I called you but you weren't picking. I got very terrified. I could remember seeing Mahmud there then everything went blank. I don't know how I got home or what exactly happened but whatever it is I'm sure my brother knows about it."

She folded her arms listen to what he was saying. Now she got confused on who to believe. She could barely remember what happened last night. He cupped her cheeks in his palm and raised her head up. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you right? You know how much I love you and cherish our lovely relationship." 

She smiled and nodded. "I believe you," she uttered. He also smiled a planted a soft kiss on her cheek. "I have to go now. We will talk later okay?" She nodded and hugged him firmly. "Don't leave me, please." She whispered. He sighed replaying the words again. For the first time he felt remorseful for what he has been doing to her. She deserves someone better. She deserves to be happy, to be loved and cherished. She was one of a kind. She's so nice, caring and kind hearted. But she chose to be with him, a player! 

"I promise." She heard his deep voice but it was soothing. She raised her head up, looking at his eyes. "Your kisses, your hugs and your sweet words are all I need to feel happy in my life. Your eyes melts my heart and your smile makes me go crazy. This is love at its purest form. I love you, babe."

"I love you. I love you more and more everyday." He hugged her one more time before letting go. She went back to her chair and called on the next patient while he left the clinic to do his own work. This was the first time he actually felt restless about how has been treating Maryam. She doesn't deserve this! Is he starting to actually fall for her? "No," he shook his head. He has Nadia; she's the only girl he loves. She's enough for him. He will get married to her soon and forget about Maryam. He chuckled dryly and shrugged off every thought of her and continued driving. 

••

"You can be in a happy state of life If you leave things to Allah. Believe that He is always there to guide you. Believe in the power of Du'a. Believe in that divinity so rear. May Allah Al Hafidh protect you for us and keep blessing you. Please take good care of yourself and be careful."

Mahmud smiled reviving this kind of special moments he had when his biological mother was alive. She always prayed for him and preached whenever he was going on a trip. "And always pray Mahmud. May Allah protect you for us. Allah yayi Maka albarka," his father added. 

His head still low as he began to thank them. "I will remain indebted to both of you for all my life. Your unconditional and selfless love has made me so strong. Its truly a blessing having wonderful parents like you. I just want to say that I truly respect both of you. You two are simply the best in everything. Thank you for everything. Jazakallahu Khair." 

Ummah smiles and touched his head, "I will always say this; your mother is the luckiest woman to have this obedient and responsible child."

After they were done conversing. He stood to leave the moment Ahmad came to pick him. They all accompanied him out the door. Intisar couldn't let go of him. He was her favorite sibling. Whenever he was in the house they would spend time together, play games, eat together, gists about her friends and what she did in school, do her homework, cook till she passed out. 

"Common, you're a big girl now. You shouldn't cry, Yaya Mujahid will always be there for you." She shook her head, "but he doesn't play with me. He doesn't even like it when I'm around him." He held her tiny hands, staring at her chubby tear stained face. "I'll be back real soon and we will play hide and seek, cook, treasure hunt and all the games you want us to play. I promise you, baby." Her mood brightened up a little bit. She hugged him again and kissed his cheek before they parted. 

He has never went on a long trip before. That was his first time. He doesn't know when he was going to come back. All he needed was to stay away from her for a bit and move on. Maybe he would get to open up for other girls to come into his life.

He entered the car after loading his suitcase. They started driving to the airport. “You're not going to say goodbye?" Ahmad asked when they were passing Maryam's house. Mahmud smiled bitterly, "I doubt if she wants to see me again."

"All will be well In sha Allah." 

Mahmud was quiet for a while but then something crossed his mind. "This is really crazy," he whispered but Ahmad heard him. His eyes were fixed on the window looking at the cars and people passing by. “What?" Ahmad asked, eyes fixed on the road. "She's now a stranger with all my secrets."

Ahmad reduced the speed and looked at him before looking away. "Look Man, I know you're going through a rough time. I understand how special this girl is but you gotta let go. Maybe she's not the one for you. Maybe this is where your relationship with her was going to stop so please, pray and calm yourself." 

Mahmud wasn't convinced that he was not going to see her again. This is not the end of their journey maybe. He still had hopes on her. He knew she’d protect herself. 

••

"Yes, Maryam he left earlier today," Aydah repeated her statement, annoyed. "But.... he's coming back soon, right?" Maryam asked worriedly. Aydah shrugged off her shoulders and plumped down on her bed. "Don't know, don't care because I'm freaking tired of your silly fights. You guys should stop asking me questions about each other! Jeez.... get it over with and fix things."

There are times her brain fries up. It's no excuse she knows; She own her behaviour. She tries to help, try to be good, and then a trigger is flicked. Her emotions turn - cold, fearful, anxious... She backs away, flee or strike out at someone who loves her. In these moments She is least proud of who she has become, for she has failed to be the warrior she was born to be, the strong woman with the softness of a mother. Instead she showed the frightened child within, damaged and afraid, the one still hiding in the dark under the train table, awaiting the next heartbreak. She know these are things for her to work on, not for others to mitigate, she is an adult after all. Yet she asked for consideration, that her fear triggers are left alone until her body stops living in a state of flight or fight, until She finds a way back to being calm and steady. She has been stable many years, caring for others, pouring out love without measure, yet never knowing how to ask for it. It is the only medicine that can heal this fractured soul.

Aydah looked at Maryam's face and grimaced but shrugs. If Maryam was ready to open up she'd gladly listen. She knew asking her was a waste of time. "I have to go now," Maryam announced packing her labcoat and handbag. "But I thought you were going to stay for dinner." 

"I'm so sorry Aydah. We'll have a sleepover when next I'm free, okay." She hugged her, "bye now." She rushed out. She walked fast out to her car and entered. She started the car and horned at the gate man to open the gate. She feels lost and confused, but sort of happy and certain. She is like a ball of tangled yarn. The parts that are untangled are available, useable; the rest is a mess, useless until it is untied. That mess feels endless and at most times unyielding.

She had made lots of promises to him but broken all. She promised to be with him no matter what.  To keep him company whenever he was missing his mother. To cheer him up. She promised to never betray his trust. She promised...... but now they're turning to total strangers. 

As much as she tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. She hit the breaks and parked the car just few blocks away from her house. The muffled sobs wracked against her chest. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was gone. The last painful emotion slammed against her before she lost the feeling of feeling. Everything darkened into nothingness as all their sweet moments came rushing to her brain. 

Why was she so broken because of him? She caused everything! Judged him without having a second thought. Trusted his brother that she just got to know few months ago over him that they spent almost 10 years together. She was blindly in love with Mujahid that she slowly wrecked a beautiful innocent friendship. 

She embraced herself and drove herself home. Mujahid's car was out in the parking lot. For the first time she wasn't happy to see him. She decided to stay in the car for a while before heading in. 

He got tired of waiting for her in the living room and came out. Her eyes were closed as she breathed in and out slowly. He slowly knocked on the window. She hesitated before opening her eyes. She dropped out of the car. "I've been calling you for the past thirty minutes and you weren't picking. What happened to you? Your face? What's wrong Maryam?" He held her shoulders. 

She freed herself, "don't do that now. Can't you see that my father is around." She pointed at one of his cars. Mujahid shrugged and asked her again. "What's wrong? Why did you cry?" 

"Don't you worry babe I’ll be fine. I lost one of my special patients," she said tapping his shoulder before walking away. He turned and stared at her walking slowly into the house. He hissed loudly and walked to his car.