Chapter 49

“How are you feeling my dear?” Mommy asked, stroking her head. She was trying so hard not to shed tears in front of her daughter. It has been six days now and she wasn't making any progress. Pain, is all she feels and understood. She smiled even though it didn't reach her heart. “Mommy....” She let her words trailed off. “My baby, speak up, okay? Do you need anything? Are you hungry?” She questioned and habiba shook her head. 

“Where is Mahmud? I haven't seen him since I woke up,” she mouthed, looking at the door as if he would appear. “I told him to go home and rest, he haven't been sleeping well for the past five days. I'm sure he would be back soon.” Mommy explained and she nodded. “Let me go call the doctor,” she said before sauntering out of the room.

She met Maryam on her way to doctor Wasila’s office. “Oh, good morning doctor.... Mahdi?” Maryam smiled and nodded. “Good morning ma'am, how’s habiba doing? Is she awake?” She asked and mommy nodded. “I was going to call the doctor now.”

“Oh please, let me go check her up and see how she's doing.” She offered and mommy smiled, not liking the idea. She knew habiba didn't like Maryam. What she didn't know was, why habiba disliked Maryam. They walked into the room and met habiba looking through the window while having a reverie. Habiba looked at her mother and furrowed her brows. 

“How are you feeling today Mrs Mahmud?” She asked even though it sounded so hurtful to say those last two words. “I'm okay,” she murmured and looked away. Maryam awkwardly moved further in and picked up habiba’s chart and went through it before she did what she's supposed to do. She called the nurses and ordered them to give her her morning injection. 

She opened the door same time he was coming in. He briskly moved back and hissed a bit. She cleared her throat and walked passed him. By Allah he couldn't take being around her. It was tutoring for him, for them both. The nurses also left the room before he entered. “Mahmud, you're back already. I hope you've rested well.” He smiled and scratched the back of his head. How could he actually rest when his wife wasn't well? “Yes mommy, I have. The driver is waiting for you outside, he will take you home now so you would also rest,” he informed. Mommy nodded smiling. “I will be back later with lunch. Take care of yourself for me.” She kissed her daughter’s forehead. Habiba smiled and nodded like a small kid.

He accompanied mommy to the car before going back to habiba’s room. She gazed at him and simpered. “Help me sit up right, we need to talk about something,” she uttered. He did as she said and settled down on the stool beside the bed. “How are you feeling, baby? Hows the pain?” He asked, massaging her softly hand. 

“All I can say is Alhamdulillah..... And.....” She trailed off with a sigh. She knew if she didn’t speak up now, she would never get the chance. She could feel the pain in her bone rising but she masked it with a smile. “I know how much you love me and how you care about me. By Allah I am one of the most luckiest wife ever. You're the best husband any lady would wish to have but.... I know you love her more. I saw how you look at her. I always observe how you react when you see her or when you're around her. Mahmud forgive me but I saw everything in your phone, I saw the pictures, the videos and the messages. And I know you still love her.”

He stared at her face in awe. He was frozen to the spot and he could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. The hairs on his arm stand to attention, as a militia of chills march down his spine. He wished this was all a dream, a nightmare perhaps. He was tongue tied. She chuckled a bit and shook her head. “I'm not going to judge you, Mahmud. I understand that you weren't ready to let go of her but you had to for your own good. And I know she loves you too by the way she acts whenever you're around....” She paused and grimaced in pain. “This pain is too much,” she murmured weakly. 

“Baby, please.... Uh... you need to rest a bit, we will talk later about it.” He pleaded. She smiled yet again and nodded. She laid back down and closed her eyes. He kissed her forehead softly and covered her body with the blanket. He stepped out of the room and found himself walking towards her office. 

He knocked and entered the office. She looked up from her phone and briskly stood up. She couldn't remember when last he came into her office. Its been months, more than a year. She couldn't help but smile at him. He scratched the back of his head thinking of what to say to her. What even brought him to her office? What was he thinking? 

“How’s she doing?” She broke the awkward silence. He returned a smile and nodded, “she's doing great Alhamdulillah.” And then they were both silent again. The silence was a poison to them, for in that void of sound the shallowness of their conversation was laid bare. What used to be an intellectual banter of flirting and fun moments was utterly vapid. 

“I have to go back in case she’d need anything,” he broke the silence. She blinked twice and looked at his face. “Please stay,” she quickly uttered. “I want to talk to you,” she had said. He stood still, waiting to hear what she has to say. 

“I...” She let her words trail off. “I know what I did was wrong. And you have been all through and strong, but lets end this here because I'm really suffering without you, Mahmud. I know the fault is mine and I'm feeling very remorseful about everything I did to you. I know one sorry can't change everything, but by Allah I regret every single thing I have done. Please forgive me and let things go back to the way it used to be.”

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He was having mixed feelings. He wasn't happy or sad. He was baffled. Could he trust her again? Heck, he's married now, his wife would never accept his interaction with Maryam. “Look  into my eyes Mahmud. You will see nothing but pain. I am deeply sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.” 

He locks eyes with her and he saw how deep they were. He focused on her eyes, which were on his, shining even though it wasn't that bright in the office. They were a deep, earthy brown - the colour of the earth after torrential rains. But there was something else in them, something glistening. Glistening like an old copper penny being examined in the warmth next to powerful flames that were licking the safety glass door of an old fireplace. They held secrets, love, pain, the same way pot holds layers of deep soil- cradling- because it is essential to keep the plant safe. The roots are held in place the same way her dark, liquidly eyes held so tightly onto his secrets. 

A rapid knock interrupted their staring contest. Maryam looked at the door and quickly walked passed him to the door. “Doctor, the patient from A104 is taken to the A & E. Your attention is needed ASAP.” Amanda spoke rapidly. “Room what?” He shrieked. Maryam quickly took her lab coat and stepped out of the office with him tailing behind. His heart beat raced at a high rate. What’s going to happen to his wife? She was okay moments ago. His hands trembled with fear. He couldn't even stand. His body felt hot and sweat started trickling down his forehead and neck. His breath quickens as more doctors rushed into the emergency theatre. 

He took deep breaths and settled down on the plastic chair just few feet away from the emergency room. He closed his eyes when it stared getting watery. He chanted dua silently and waited for what was going to happen. He was too dazed to call anyone.

“Yaya Mahmud,” he heard his name being called. He opened his eyes and slowly looked at her. It was Aydah and Fadila, he was, more than glad to see his siblings. “How is she doing? We went to the room and one of the nurses told us that she has been taken to the A & E.” She said, plumping down beside him. “Please, do not worry yourself too much, okay? She will be fine by Allah’s will,” she cooed massaging his shoulder. Fadila couldn't even utter a word to him. She felt so bad for her brother even though they were never in good terms. 

The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of her vision and the only thing she could hear was her own heartbeat from the heartbeat monitor. Her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as she lay there, the doctors doing every possible thing to save her life. They swarmed all over her, trying to save her from dying. Where was he? She wanted to say goodbye to him, kiss him goodbye maybe and ask him to marry Maryam when she had passed away. 

She gazed at Maryam whom had a tear stained face. She fought with her eyes from closing. She wanted to speak but she couldn't. She couldn't feel anything anymore. Surely Maryam knew it was too late for habiba to be saved, yet they still tried. The despair and suffering of the world that took the people she loved from her. She would be joining them soon. She would finally be able to leave the pain behind. She slowly closed her eyes, she could die happily now. Her fragile, human heart beat one last time.....

Maryam held her breath for what seems like forever. May Allah forgive her but she never thought Habiba would pass away at that moment. At least not so soon. How would she even break the terrifying news to him? 

Doctor wasila held her shoulders but she moved away and ran out of the theatre. The moment he saw her, he stood up briskly but before he could reach, she ran away. 

He looked at Aydah that already had her eyes on him. She had a melancholic expression. She held his hand and pulled him away from the door,  “Come Yaya, we should.....” He hurried into the theatre before she even finished saying what she had in mind. He barged into the theatre same time habiba’s corpse was covered. Doctor wasila sighed and moved closer to him. “I'm sorry but your wife has passed away,” she broke the bitter news.

The news rolls over him like an old Russian tank, slow but painful, carrying on as if nothing happened. There was a distance in Mahmud’s eyes when he looked at her corpse. He took few steps backwards, bumping into a mayo table. His head spins with impact, eyes throbbed. His voice comes out thin and distant, “what, but, no, it can't be, that’s, she was just....” He's breathing all wrong, beginning to gasp like theres not enough oxygen in the air.

He was broken now, shattered really. His heart, pool stapled shut, was beating so hard that he thought he might also fall and stop breathing forever. His eyesight blurred, but not because tears were welling up. Everything became fuzzy; then he saw nothing at all. His consciousness was floating through an empty filled with a thick static. Throughout the inky space his heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in his ears, alongside fading pleas for help. Feeling in his body drained away until finally all was black.

**

Though his eyes were open, he couldn't think of why; his heart was pounding. Or was it because of the nightmare, the scariest nightmare. He had never gotten so scared like he was at that moment. He looked to the other side and ummah was sitting beside him. He quickly sat up when he remembered his wife. “Ummah, where is habiba? A had terrible nightmare about her, I want to go see her.” He pulled out the IV from his and tried to get off the bed. “No, no Mahmud, lie back down. You're not strong enough yet. Just stay here, I will go call the doctor.” She helped him to lie down and covered half his body with the blanket. 

He looked around the room, it looked familiar.... 

And then it hit him hard in the head..... It wasn't a dream.... It was true.... She's dead.

His heartache, like a wolf was eating at his chest, tearing it’s way to his trembling heart. He was so heartbroken that he felt the pain in his chest, his throat. He couldn't remember when last he felt that kind of pain, perhaps when his mother passed away. He sat upright as the tears gushed out from his eyes. The pain was too much for him. Could he survive? How was he going to go on with his life without his loved one? His beloved.

He will miss her. 

He will miss her smell that can't be described but it made him feel warm and protected inside. 

He will miss when she let him cuddle her head, whispering in her ear, everything that he dreads.

He will miss how she listened to him, how she understood him and how she never judged him.

He will miss her smile, a smile as beautiful as the sunset. 

He will miss how they stayed up late in the night and speak about their worries and seek for advice from each other. 

She was gone, she was really gone. That was the end, he still couldn't believe. It’s so hard to see a person that you love leave you behind and to the hereafter. It is so hard for him to open his eyes and not see her giddy expression, her alluring smile that always made him fall in love with her all over again. But, its destiny and he had to embrace it. He wished she was there, just to tell her how much he loves her one last time. But.... It was too late.... He will miss her, surely.