Chapter 190

I slept really peacefully last night. I slept so peacefully that I even dared to have dreams about my parents.

I have dreams that I had always wanted to avoid, dreams about the good times we had together and about how exciting my life was before I decided to wreck everything myself. Well I'm guessing that it will be hard to say i messed up my life myself, but yet that might be exactly what I did.

I'm guessing that if I hadn't simply decided to keep on falling for each guy that came my way, I wouldn't have had as much heartbreak as I did. I wouldn't have had as much arguments with mum as I did, and worry so much at Scott's voice sounding so uncannily like hers.

It unsettled me a bit, it unsettles me that it always makes me think of her and of every bad moments that we ever had together.

Sure enough Scott only obliged us one song, only obliged that one song that was so precious to me, and yet is keeping me turning on my bed this morning even with the pleasant sleep I had last night. This morning seemed to bring its own troubles with it.

It makes me wonder what if I had done things differently?, what if I had simply decided to keep my heart to myself and to gaurd it like the treasure that it was?, what if I decided not to fall in love with Aaron, or fall in love with George, or Lucian, or the other two who also wrecked my life and left their own mark on me.

What if I decided not to fall for all of them, would it have been so bad, it would not have been that horrible would it?. I would have simply kept my heart intact and in the best shape possible while I lived my life a little bit lonely and having unrequited feelings.

It is still a fact that I cannot deny that for everyone that I have ever loved, I have borne feelings for them. I have carried feelings that decided not to go away by me simply wishing it, feelings that drew the both of us together, but disappeared the moment I met the next person.

The fact that Clay and Eras still hover in around me also makes me nervous, it makes me nervous at the way Clay always stares at me with that intense gaze in his eyes, it makes me nervous at the way Eras seems to have this attitude around me, an attitude which only shows me his good sides and which makes me doubt that he even has any bad sides to begin with.

I am so nervous at this feeling that I feel already bubbling up in my chest barely a week after I had gotten dumped.

This week has been a whole lot of drama on its own and I'm not really sure I can keep on living like this. I cannot keep on living so unsure of myself.