BEYOND REASON

         Faith stood in front of the building, looking at it, her purse clutched in front of her. She recalled her earlier conversation with Charlie. When Charlie had told her that he couldn't continue seeing her anymore since Douglas didn't want it, she had been dumbfounded at first, staring at him with tears in her eyes. 

      "Was that why you haven't called?" she had asked when she had finally found her voice, but it was still cracked with tears. 

      "I'm sorry, Faith, please don't make it any harder for me." Charlie had looked down at his fingers. 

      "I won't...I won't," she had sniffed.  "I just need one last favour from you." 

        "I'll be glad to help if it won't implicate me." 

       "Please, can you give me a contact I can reach him with?" 

      "Faith, you know I love you and would do anything to help you." Charlie had leaned closer.  "Do not misunderstand me, Doug wouldn't want that. I can help you with his work address but not his contact, I'm not ready to argue with him." 

       "Anything, anything to reach him, please. What did I ever do to him to deserve this?!" she had started weeping again. 

Charlie had looked at her with pity for a while. She hated that feeling and she hated people taking pity on her, so she had quickly wiped her tears and had tried to remain strong in Charlie's presence. Charlie had taken out his kerchief and had pushed it towards her. 

       "You judged him, Faith. You treated him like an outcast. He loved you so much, but he believes that you didn't love him as much as he did. He would have protected you with his last breath if you were the one that found yourself in that position, he would have followed you to wherever you were going, he would have preferred your love and care above all reasonings, above all, he wouldn't have given you out, he wouldn't have sold you out to your dad... "

     "What? I never did that!" Faith's face had crumpled in a confused frown. "I was confused at that time but I never told our father, I never planned to. I was as surprised as he was when dad found out about it." 

       "That's not what your brother thinks." 

     Faith had puffed.  "I was confused at that time! Being straight had been the only right thing I had known all my life! I wasn't prepared to have a gay brother. Dad always taught us that it was bad and a sin against God. That was what I had known all my life." 

 Charlie had taken out his phone and had typed the address and had sent it to her. "Please, don't let him know I gave you that." 

   She had nodded frantically.  "Thank you." She had stood to go. 

       "Faith," Charlie had called. She had turned to look at him.  "Good luck." 

      She had managed a weak smile and had hurried off. 

     Standing there looking at the building, she didn't feel as confident as she had felt when she had made up her mind that morning to go there. She suddenly grew cold feet staring at the building. The image of Joshua that night came to her mind eyes and she shuddered as she recalled how serious his face had been. 

      "I'm glad that you are still alive and well.  I don't want to see you ever again, I don't want you near me either. I will never forgive you because I know nothing about forgiveness." 

     She shuddered again and shut her eyes as she recalled one of the few last things he had told her that night. She shook her head. There is no need to go there since he won't ever forgive her. Why will he forgive her? She had been the worst sister ever. She recalled his face that day he was leaving the house. Was that why he had that look of betrayal on his face? 

      There was no point crying over spilt milk, she wiped the tears that were running down her cheeks, sniffed and calmed herself before she wore her dark shade, then turned back to the road and left, walking down the sidewalk. 

      Douglas watched her from the window as she walked away from his office premises. Was she going to be like this forever? Had she even come to see him or had she come to stalk him? He sighed and went back to his desk. 

       Faith got home quite exhausted and thirsty. She had walked halfway home and hadn't realized it until her legs began to ache and her throat burned from thirst. She pulled her coat and flung it across her sofa and went into the kitchen. 

      As she went into the kitchen, she met Mrs Floyd cooking, the aroma of what she was cooking wafted into her nostrils and her stomach grumbled. 

      "Uhm...sorry, I'll leave," she said. 

     "Come on, Faith. Come on in, come in." The woman gestured for her to come in. 

     She slowly went into the kitchen and Dolores squinted her eyes taking a closer look at her.   "Oh, dear. What is wrong with you? Look how puffy your eyes are. Have you been crying?" 

      Faith didn't answer, she looked away from the woman and looked down at her feet, fighting the tears that stung her eyes. Dolores went closer and took her into her arms. She smelled of curry and thyme and for some weird reason, that smell comforted Faith. She wrapped her arms around the woman and wept bitterly. 

   After a while of weeping and consoling, Dolores gently pulled away. Faith still unable to control her sob, went on in spasms. Dolores led her to a seat.

      "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let out all my emotions, I'm sorry." 

      Dolores stared at her with concern in her eyes. She dragged a chair and sat down, facing her and took her hands.  "Listen, whatever seems to be the problem now, it will all pass, everything will be alright." Faith kept weeping and the woman took her into her arms again consoling her until she was calm. 

      Faith was the one that pulled away this time. She looked at Dolores. "Thank you for comforting me." 

      Dolores shook her head with a smile.  "You are my son's girlfriend, you are like a daughter to me too." 

     "What of Ethan?" Faith asked. 

      "He went to pick up some supplies for me. I'll be going to visit a friend of mine tomorrow and I might not come back tomorrow. She is a childhood friend of mine." 

       "Oh." 

      "I would like us to eat dinner together. You know since I came, we have not had a meal together." 

       "Oh," Faith said and shrugged. 

      "So that, I'll get to know more about you." 

    Faith managed a weak smile.  "I will get some water to drink," she said and tried to stand but Dolores stopped her. 

        "Let me get it for you." Faith wanted to protest but Dolores placed a finger between her lips. Faith sat back and remained quiet. 

      Dolores went to Ethan's fridge and took out a bottle of water, some ice cubes and a glass from the cabinet. She put the ice cubes in the glass and took them to Faith, handed it to her and poured water into the glass. 

      "Thank you, Mrs Floyd," Faith said and started to drink the water. 

        "You can call me mom," Dolores said with a smile. 

    Faith almost sputtered the water but she coughed and drank the whole glass in a gulp, bringing down the glass, the ice cubes jingled in the glass. 

       "That's...that's..." she stuttered completely oblivious of what to say. 

        "You don't have to be like this, alright?"

        Faith nodded. She has never called anyone mom since her mother left, not even Nora's mom whom she had seen twice. Dolores patted her back gently. 

        "Go change into something casual my dear." 

       "Yes, Mrs...mom." It felt strange in her mouth and with that, she tried remembering what her own mother looked like. She had a vague memory of her mom now. Whenever she thinks of her mom, it was always as if she was in a dream, where her mom's face was always blurry. 

       The only memories she had of her mom were with her. Every time she thinks of her mother, she remembers nothing else except when her mom was either walking with her, bathing her, feeding her, reading to her, or rocking her to sleep, she never had any memories of her mother alone. 

       Dinner was set in a few hours.  Faith was nervous, although, Mrs Floyd had made her comfortable, she didn't know if she was going to comfortably lie at that table. She had had her shower and applied some cream that helped her face and eyes look better. Ethan was having his bath when she got dressed up. 

      She paced around her room nervously, waiting for him to be out. He came out wearing pyjamas. She looked at him. 

       "Is that what you would wear for dinner?" 

       "Of course," he replied and spread his arms.  "What? Is not like we are going anywhere, it's just in the living room." 

      Faith sighed and placed her hand on her forehead and sat down on her bed. Ethan went over to her and squatted in front of her. 

       "You look agitated." 

        "I'm nervous," Faith said.  "Your mom has been nice to me... Why don't we just tell her the truth?" 

        "Not now, Faith. It would break her heart." 

          "It would break her heart any day if she learns the truth. I don't even know what to say, we don't even have a backup story." 

        "Leave that to me, I will do the talking, mom already knows that you don't like talking." He held her hands.  "Hey, look at me." 

     She stared into the pool of green and blinked away before she drowns. He placed his palm on her cheek and st roked her cheek with his thumb. 

         "It would be fine, okay? Trust me." 

      She nodded and stared at him again.