Monday

I woke up in that same bed I crawled into last night. Unwrapping the blanked that was around me a heat I had accumulated over the night fled from my body and with the warm sensation gone, a cold feeling of sadness washed over me, like cold water being poured on a already dying flame. There was nothing out of the ordinary and nothing to be particularly sad about, it was just how I was every morning. I was simply sad because of me waking up. I wished to never wake, up that was my only wish. How amazing would that have been? If I simply died in my sleep, not knowing about me dying and dying without feeling any pain.

I want to die, but I am scared of dying. It would be more right to say that I want to be dead, but I am scared of the process of me dying. "Will I be scared out of my mind? What type of immeasurable pain will I feel as I die? Will there even be any pain? Or will I simply vanish? Will someone ever care if I die?"

―No, no one will. You already know that no one will.

"I know that." I said to myself letting out a deep sigh. At the very least I want to believe that, but no one has told me so. It is not something that can be confirmed, it's impossible.

This start of the day was like every start of the day. As I questioned myself my own existence, I stopped thinking entirely for a while. With my back slightly slumped over I stared blankly at the wall about 1 meter in front of me, with no intention. After about 5 minutes or so I snapped out of it, remembering my existence and that I had go to school.

I found my clothes beside me neatly folded for me to put them on. My mom had put them there. My mom prepared a lot of things for me in the morning: My clothes, breakfast, the pills I had to consume, and then driving me to my school. A couple of months ago, I was at my doctors when he recommended me to take some pills called Sertraline. According to him, they should help me with my depression and my social anxiety, however I am not so sure that they are working very well. peradventure I need a stronger dose.

Simple acts, such as taking said, pills and brushing my teeth, were incredibly hard for me, but I always pushed myself to do it every day. Before I brushed my teeth, I ate breakfast. The food was almost tasteless, and it made me sick. Not because of the taste, but because I wasn't hungry. I was just stuffing food down my throat so that I would have the energy necessary to start my day, and because I knew it made my mom happy.

My mom is always so concerned about me. Concerned about whether or not I get enough food, whether I have friends at school, what I am doing in school, how I am doing in general and etcetera.

After my morning routine, I was driven to school. I opened the door I was greeted with a cold and nice breeze. The breeze caressed my shin. I stepped out the car. There ground beneath my feet was covered in ice, which made I hard to walk. It had rained the day before, so the ice was extra slippery. I hoped that I wouldn't fall, it would be embarrassing, and it would direct attention towards me, even if only a few seconds. Entering the school, I hurried towards my classroom. On the way there I saw some familiar faces that I struggled to ignore. I kept chanting these words inside my head.

―don't see me, don't see me, don't see me, don't see me.

I walked past him, but then I heard someone calling my name "Luqha!" I turned around acting surprised, acting as though I didn't notice him. "What's up" I replied. When I saw his figure again, after having turned around. His back was directed towards me. Normally when speaking to someone, you have face directed towards that person. So, it struck me as odd that the custom I had been familiar with, was nowhere in sight. "huh" A confused sound came from the familiar person in front of me. "huh" The same sound came out of my throat, confused about his confusion. "Oh, what's up Luqha. I didn't see you. Can't really talk right now. I gotta get to class." Even more confused than I was earlier, I responded with an unsure tone in my voice "a-alright, cya." After that rather awkward interaction, I headed down a staircase and continued my "long" journey to my classroom. While going down the staircase I figured out who it was that called out my name. There were no one, just a voice I heard inside my head from time to time. Ever since I was about 9 or 10 years old, I have heard these voices that call out to me, with an angry tone as if going to scold me. It was usually my parents' voices, but sometimes it was the voices of my friends, sometimes there were voices I hadn't even heard before and sometimes, it was my own voice.

I had finally reached my almost unreachable destination, all I had to do now was open the door to enter. I had arrived late so class had already started. I stood outside the classroom, having a meaningless debate with myself whether I should enter, knowing damn well I would have to enter the classroom at some point.

―crap, I gotta enter that room.

―yes, but the moment you enter that classroom, you know everyone will look at you.

―I know, but I have too.

―shit, well here goes nothing.

Getting a grip of myself I gently push the doorknob down. "Kreek". The door made a "Kreek" sound and because of me slowly opening the door, the sound was prolonged.

―damnit

The faces of the students in my class were directed at me. Nothing, not a single word escaped their sealed mouths, yet I could hear their voices, clear as day.

"Look its Luqha, he's late… again."

"ehh, he's staring at us, creepy"

"Why does he even go to this class? he might as well just quit school."

"It would be better if he was gone."

Trying not to listen, to what they were "saying", even though i chould hear them clearly, I hurriedly went to my seat, which was in the front of the classroom. My class consisted of nine girls, and three guys, it was a somewhat small class. For measure, my last class had 32 students in it. I sat at my desk, put my hood on my head, earbuds in my ear, and pretended to listen to the lecture.

In the free time I had, I read books. Because it allowed me to think of something else, other than school and, myself. After many hours, school was finished, but before I got to leave, our teacher told us "This week, you will be making a presentation with the person you are sitting next to. The criteria for this task is written down in the usual place, and if some of you want a physical copy of the criteria, raise your hand and I will hand that out now."

I Looked around to see what the others were doing. Most of the other students raised their hands, and I followed along. The teacher walked to the people who had requested a physical copy and proceeded to place the paper gently on their tables. Next up was me and like she had done with the others she gently placed that piece of paper on my desk. Instinctively I looked up to the person looking down on me – my teacher. Her eyes were tense, and it felt like they were going right through me. She gave me a bad feeling; a feeling of guilt is swelled up in me. Eventually she broke eye the eye contact which I was struggling to maintain. After that the school day ended, and I quickly made my exit.

On the way home I noticed the weather being better than it had previously been, it was nearing springtime after all. The sun shone, painting the clouds in a beautiful pinkish color. The sky had captivated me so that my gaze was directed to the heavens almost the entire time walking. However, someone was walking behind me, I hadn't turned my head around yet, but I knew someone definitively was there. I stopped walking allowing the person behind me to pass me, but no one did. I started to panic. My breathing grew ragged, and my hands were shaking. My heartbeat accelerated; every beat fueled the fire that had already been set. I was fighting the urge to close my eyes and built enough courage to turn around. With a swift turn and a "Swish" my eyes were now staring at what was behind me – nothing. There was absolutely nothing behind me. Despite this happening every day, yet I still fall for it, I am truly pathetic. "Pling". My phone made that sound, telling me that I got a notification. I picked my phone from my pocket to see that the sound was a message that is supposed to remind me to visit my Therapist on Wednesday. It also reminded me that there was something entirely wrong with me. "I hate myself". The words escaped from my lips into the air that was around me. I placed my phone back into my pocket. Once again, I looked to the clouds above, and played my music to escape from this reality that I existed in. However, even after I had confirmed that there were no one behind me, I could still see the persons figure and so, I kept on looking behind me every 30 seconds or so until I had reached the place, I call home.

I didn't hesitate to open the door of my house. I quickly opened it and slammed it shut. Having entered my home, I let out a sigh of relief. My finally letting myself rest a bit and not being edge, a nausea that I had bared and pushed through the day attacked me mercilessly. I could feel that I was about to throw up. Instinctively I covered my mouth with my hand and rushed to the toilet.

―Luckily, I made it in ti-

"ahhhrggrffh"

The food I had consumed earlier spilled out of my mouth as liquid and chunks of food. The acid like liquid burned my throat, leaving it with an awful taste. The act of throwing up wasn't exactly the worst thing, it was of course disgusting, but nothing too bad. What I hated was having chunks of the food that was half digested in my nose. I tried to blow my nose to get it out, it didn't work. As depressing as it is, I have to have this shit stuck in my nose for a while. The chunks I have in my nose makes it hard to breath, and I couldn't breathe in strongly either, that would cause the food to go back in my throat and I would probably swallow it.

―Fucking disgusting

Flushing the toilet, I exited the bathroom. I got my pills and downed some more pills, I wasn't sure if it was healthy, but I still felt depressed and I still felt lonely. Walking some stairs that lead me into the living room. I sat down on the sofa and grabbed a book from the bookshelf and read for about 30 minutes. I checked the time on my phone and saw that the clock was 04.20pm. It would be about 40 minutes until my mom's job would finish so I decided to take a short nap.