Choon Hee 2

Choon Hee: (she bites her lower lip hesitating) You sure, that I can trust you? (She seemed concerned regarding opening up)

Me: mhm. (I nodded my head)

Choon Hee: I was the football captain in my school. We were a team of close friends. Everyone trusted and loved me. Everything was going fine….we were happy…..we even won interschool competitions and were thinking of going to district level….but….one incident changed everything….(she bites her lower lip feeling anxious and angry at the same time) and broke me apart. M-My coach….She….she….I trusted her so much….(her eyes well up as she speaks) Uhm…(she rubs her palms against her eyes then sighs) Well …(she licks her dry lips) It was a normal day, I was changing my clothes after a long practice session. I never realised….I always thought she was a sweet lady…..how could she….. looking back now….I feel there were hints. I don't know….I don't even want to think about it anymore. (She rubs her face trying to calm herself) She walked in the changing room, and grabbed me from behind….then pushed me to the ground in such a position that I couldn't even fight back. (Tears rolled down from her eyes) She said, everything would be fine….not to worry….she just wants to kiss me….I don't remember what else she said….but she did say that I would start enjoying it as well. She tied up….up my hands ….a-and…..I kept on screaming 'No! No! Leave me!' (she takes a deep breath before wiping her tears) I don't know what got into her….I w-was just 10 y-years old, you know? (Her body starts trembling due to fear) I-It is still traumatizing….. luckily nothing happened that day….. because she forgot to lock the door. In the nick of time the front door opened and I heard my friend's voice. (She takes a deep breath before continuing) I somehow managed to free myself and ran….ran as fast as I could, n-never to look back again. (She says staring at her hands).

Me: (I maintained silence throughout the entire time she was speaking, I still didn't know how to react about the whole situation. I remained quiet for another minute before speaking up) What happened to that woman after that? (I asked while interlocking my fingers with her hand to comfort her)

Choon Hee: I-I don't know. (She says in a murmuring tone) I-I never tried to know. I….I told my parents…. Everything …..and we came here within a month. During that time I….I kept myself isolated, no contacts nothing. I didn't know what was going on in the outside world or what happened with her after that. But I was sure that she had already ruined my reputation by then. (She sighed) so I didn't find it necessary to waste my energy in clearing up misunderstandings.

Me: What about your friends? Did you tell them regarding the incident? (I asked in a serious tone which was filled with concern)

Choon Hee: (she shook her head saying 'no') There was no point. Who would trust me against an adult's words anyway….no one would have trusted me, they would have said that I am misunderstanding the situation, how can the coach do that when she is so kind and all. Like, maybe even I would have denied it, if the situation happened with someone else instead of me. (She bites her nail hard) after all, that woman was really good at pretending.

Me: Do you blame yourself? (I stared in her eyes)

Choon Hee: (she nodded her head slowly) Mhm….I do. Sometimes I wonder, maybe it was my fault, I should have noticed that her kindness was just a façade, I shouldn't have trusted her in the first place….(her eyes start getting watery again)

Me: (I frowned) what are you saying? How is it a child's fault to misunderstand an adult's lustful eyes?? Why is it a Victim's fault to become prey? (I squeezed her shoulders) Choon Hee….you were a kid, rather you are still a kid. And it is adults responsibility to protect us, not exploit us. (I hugged her tightly) it was never your fault! So you understand?!

Choon Hee: (her voice starts choking up) T-Thank Y-You….b-because of her…I lost everything…. Everything….. (she wipes her tears as more water flowed down from her eyes) my friends….my team….my reputation….my life….and above all, my mental peace, she snatched away everything I had in my life….that witch! (She continued to choke while trying to speak) sometimes….you know….I regret isolating myself. (She bites her lower lip while fidgeting) Maybe….I should have stood up against her? Maybe I should have spoken regarding it with my friends? But what's the point of thinking about it after so many years? (She sighed) My health was deteriorating, so my family felt that it was better to shift to a new country and start a fresh life for my health. Maybe…..maybe that was the best decision….I mean look at me now….I am living a much better life here.

Me: Are you?....(I raised my brow)

Choon Hee: (she looks down at her hands) Maybe….I feel that everyone has their own regrets in life, and it's better to accept them and move on.

Me: You cannot truly move on, unless you know the reality. (I said blankly) You feel that you have moved on, until one fine day, you get triggered and all the memories rush through your brain, and trust me, this would keep on repeating again and again, throughout your life. After all….even I…..(I pressed my upper lip against my lower lip tightly while gulping my saliva getting lost in my own thoughts) It hurts….a lot…..at a point of time, your guilt will keep on increasing until it devours your mind….and you will start hating yourself…you will blame yourself…the regrets will snatch your peace and the nightmares….they won't let you live….(my gaze was unfocused)

Choon Hee: (she tapped on my shoulder lightly) Anne?....what are you saying?....(she looked at me out of concern)

Me: (I snapped back to reality and stared at her with anxiety before calming my mind) I mean….you should call your friends at least once.

Choon Hee: (she glances at my face in disbelief) Are you for real? After everything I said, you are asking me to call them? Are you joking with me right now?

Me: No, trust me. (I took a deep breath) You need to face your trauma, to get over it. Don't keep any remorse for the later stage of life.

Choon Hee: But….(she hesitates)

Me: If you don't speak with them, how would you move on? How will you know who were your real friends and who were there just for show? How would you accept yourself? (I smiled while patting her cheek) I am here for you, so don't worry. Good or Bad, my shoulders will be there for you to cry on.

Choon Hee: (she bites her lower lip then takes a deep breath calming down) Alright….let's do this.

To be continued...